Phone Company Grass

I’m headed to Mom’s again for a few days to help out around the house.  What that means for me is a lot of cougar training shopping yard work.  What that means for you is cougar training shopping Odd Boy updates.  Do you see all that I do for you?  No sacrifice is too great to keep you, my dear readers, updated on the Adventures of Odd Boy. 

Fortunately, the kids from Mom’s youth group came over this week to mow the lawn so all I have to do is some weeding and hedge trimming when I get there.  There’s much more weeding to do now that the phone company updated the underground fiber optic lines.  They ripped out Mom’s beautiful flowerbed by the front walk and, after they had finished, reseeded the area with grass.  But not just any old grass.  This Phone Company Grass is some of the toughest grass I have ever seen.  We’ve uprooted it, sprayed it, and cursed at it. Well, I’ve cursed at it.  Mom’s strongest curse is a half-hearted, “Well, darn it!”

No matter what we do to the Phone Company Grass, it keeps coming back.  It is the herpes of grass.  Osama Bin Laden may be made of this grass or, at least, hiding under it somewhere.  Meanwhile, where the phone company did not touch anything, there’s a giant bare spot in the front lawn that looks like someone has been making crop circles with battery acid.  I had better keep a closer eye on Odd Boy. 

Odd Boy, you see, has a fascination with Mom’s lawn.  He’s always offering to mow it.  My mom told me that he seemed genuinely hurt to discover that the kids from church were mowing her lawn this week.  He walked over to where Mom was dispensing iced tea and cookies to ask about her use of child labor.

Odd Boy:  Is that your lawn?

Mom: Um….yes.

Odd Boy:  Are those kids mowing your lawn?

Mom: Yes.

Odd Boy:  Do you pay them to do that? 

Mom:  No, they’re from my youth group.  They do it to help out.

Odd Boy:  Well, I would’ve charged you to mow the lawn.

Mom (always wanting to help and thinking he might need the money):  How much do you charge?

Odd Boy:  Sixty-five dollars.

Mom:  Sixty-five dollars!  That’s… hey, how come I never see you mowing your own lawn?

Odd Boy:  I’m not allowed to mow it by myself.  My dad has to watch me.

Mom:  So, how would you be able to mow my lawn?

Odd Boy:  My dad would come over and watch me.  Can I have some cookies?

Mom (handing him cookies): Of course!

Odd Boy:  I would still charge you sixty-five dollars.  My dad watches for free.

That Odd Boy, he drives a hard bargain.

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