Law and Disorder

Oh my holy hell, folks.  I had planned to post earlier this week but once again, if they paved the road to hell with my intentions, we’d have a superhighway in no time at all.  Of course, with the high price of gas and environmental impact of a new road, maybe I can forgo the highway to hell and trade my good intentions in for a six pack of Hop Devil Beer and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

I have been at The Cougar’s this week for her divorce hearing.  I would like to write about how justice and fairness prevailed and that Jackass I will be writhing in torment for all eternity but I can’t.  We did not have Judge Judy who would’ve given Jackass I the smack down he so deserves.  No, we had Judge Reinhold.  Wait a minute, you say!  He’s not a real judge!  He’s that dorky actor from Fast Times at Ridgemont High! That’s okay, we didn’t have a real judge either.  And believe me, the comparison works because this judge was obviously smokin’ the ganja.  In the end, although the court’s decision wasn’t fair, Mom will be okay financially. 

The papers haven’t been finalized and submitted to the court yet so I don’t want to say anything that Jackass Spy can pour into Jackass I’s ear and foul things up.  It has been a grueling week and I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to spend all day in court and then come home and blog. 

I haven’t even had a chance to read your blogs!  But I have been able to read your captions for the Go Find the Funny Contest.  You guys are HILARIOUS!  I was stuck in the waiting area for some of the hearing since, as a witness, I couldn’t listen to the testimony of other witnesses.  Your comments kept me sane through the long wait and made me laugh out loud.  Loud laughter in Family Court is often inappropriate.  But in spite of the unhappy circumstances, there was much to laugh at; like the fact that one of the court police officers was cross-eyed.  He wasn’t just mildly cross-eyed.  Oh no!  This guy’s right eye was so far to the left he looked like a flounder.  If that wasn’t unsettling enough, he had a gun!  How does one make it through the Police Academy (hey, wasn’t Judge Reinhold in that movie too!) with eyes so crossed you can’t help but run in circles?  This man was so cross-eyed he would get caught in his own friendly fire! 

Then there was the Special Olympics officer.  I suppose the local Wal-Mart wasn’t accepting anymore applications for greeters because the second officer roaming the hall where I sat would’ve been a shoo-in.  On a break I tried to get my Mom to stare rudely in his direction.  “Mom, does that police officer have Down’s Syndrome?  Does he, Mom?  Does he?” She wasn’t listening, she was paying attention to some other guy…oh, yeah, her lawyer.  Geez, I know that she’s in court fighting for her financial survival but I have a blog to write, damn it!  Anyway, I’m pretty sure he had Down’s Syndrome.  One of my favorite Aunts is mentally challenged and she has lots of Down’s friends.  I know Down’s.  This officer had Down’s.  The following exchange between Officer Downs and Officer Flounder eliminated all doubt.

Officer Flounder:  Yeah, well I just got back from Afghanistan.
Officer Downs:  Afghanistan?  Were you on vacation?
Officer Flounder:  No, I was finishing up my tour.
Officer Downs:  Tour?  What tour group?
Officer Flounder:  No, my tour.  In the army.
Officer Downs:  I’ve never been to Europe.

And yes, Officer Downs also carried a gun.

After I was called in to testify (see this time I was a real witness Mel Heth!) I wanted to borrow one of their guns.  Or at least taser myself.  You’d think that after my legal career where I’d prepped dozens of witnesses for trials and depositions I would’ve done much better on the stand.  But no.  I froze.  It could’ve been Jackass I giving me the stink eye, smirking, and shaking his head every time I said something that threw me, but I don’t think so.  I stopped caring what he thought of me a long time ago.  I just think I’m a bad witness.  Let me say, as much as I love you all, if you ever commit a crime please do not call me as a character witness.  If you do, you’ll be serving 10-20 and the next time we see each other it will be from behind a glass partition as you introduce me to your bitch Martha.

Anyhoodle, that’s what’s been going on here with me!  Mom and I are looking forward to going over all the captions this evening.  If you haven’t submitted one, it’s not too late!  Do it, do it!  Go find the funny!

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