Not So Friendly Skies

Way, way, way back in the day (or sometime last week), Dirty Laundry Diva tapped me for a meme.  While I don’t ordinarily do memes because they are so much damn work, this one seemed easy.  All I had to do is list seven interesting facts about me.  Um yeah, sorry, don’t have much for you there. 

So, I thought I’d expand on a topic that I’ve only briefly mentioned before.  My life as a sky goddess.  Yes, prior to attending law school I was a flight attendant for three and a half years. 

All of you who just nodded your head and said, “Oh yeah!  I can see that!” consider yourself cyberslapped.  I HATE when people say that.  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  I get the opposite reaction when people find out that I’m a lawyer and practiced law at one of the nation’s largest and most expensive chew-them-up-and-spit-them-out attorney mills.  Their brow gets wrinkled and there’s a puzzled look in their eyes.  “Really?” they ask.  “No, REALLY?” Yes, really, asshat.  Is it really that difficult to imagine me in court dazzling the jury with my brilliance, striking fear into the hollow hearts of opposing counsel, and figuring out ways to screw the little guy so my corporate client with a gazillion dollars in his hip pocket can keep it there, waiting for the right lap-dance to saunter by?  Is it?!?  I ask you, esteemed internet, does the Dingo who appears before you today not look like she could wipe the floor with any and all who oppose her?  And maybe also serve soft drinks and tiny bags of peanuts at thirty thousand feet? 

Anyway, here are seven li’l tidbits about my life as a flight attendant for Pathetic Airlines:

1) It sucked.

2) I am the bane of Little People everywhere.  One of my many run-ins with the Little People included the time I saw an unaccompanied minor gazing out the window.  Being a good flight attendant (it’s flight attendant, NOT stewardess), I scurried to the galley and came back to her seat proudly bearing wings, Mickey Mouse ears, and an offer to tour of the cockpit once the plane landed.  And yes, when I asked her if she’d ever travelled alone before, my face may have actually made a flushing sound when she answered, “I usually travel alone on business trips.  They won’t let me bring my mommy.” Those Little People sure are touchy!  I won’t even go into the time there was a group of Little People going to a convention.  Let’s just say it was dark, the beverage cart had a wobbly wheel, and it’s not my fault it if I didn’t see their heads sticking out into the aisle.  Who can lay down in a row of seats with your head in the aisle, I ask you?  Decapitated Little People, that’s who.

3) I was instructed to ask if you are able and willing to remove the window in an exit row and assist your fellow passengers.  I only ask that because in an emergency, I am going out the back door.  Y’all can fend for yourselves.

4) I think they brought defibrillators on the airplanes just for me.  There was a rather wearying stretch of time where at least once a week I had some sort of emergency.  It was usually some poor schlub having a heart attack.  But I also had to make two emergency landings, put out a fire, break up a fight, actually use the oxygen masks, and have the Marshalls meet the plane because of unruly passengers.  This is before the term “air rage” came into being.  Back then, we just called them assholes.

5) Believe it or not, if you brought a five-tier wedding cake on board for your sister’s wedding in Greensboro, or a beach umbrella and lounge chair for your Ft. Lauderdale vacation, or a Christmas tree, I could stow it away as carry-on for you.  But it would not feel good and your ass would be sore for days.

6) Yes, I did make fun of you behind your back and often to your face.  You just didn’t always know it.

7) Because I was based in NYC, I had many celebrities making the NY-LA trip.  Some of them were jerks.  Most of them were nice.  One of the nicest ones was Val Kilmer.  As the last passenger disembarked , my crew and I were rushing to our next flight about sixty miles at the other end of the airport.  Everyone was gushing over Val Kilmer and asked what he was like.  He was charming, I said.  He was nice, I said.  I’d definitely do him, I said.  At that point, I dropped my ugly flight attendant sweater.  I heard a voice say, “You dropped something.” As I turned to thank the gentleman and retrieve the ugly flight attendant sweater, I came face to face with Val Kilmer.  Who had heard every word.  Every.  Word.  He just smiled.  I’d still do him.

So, think about these things the next time we discuss my career at Pathetic Air Lines.  I bet you’re no longer thinking, “Oh yeah, I can see that!”

That’s all for now.  Buh-bye!

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