A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To Class

I love the Best Of lists that come out this time of year.  I get to review the various lists for all the songs I need to know, books I must read, and movies I have to see in order to be one of the cool kidz.  From what I can tell so far, my coolness factor is nil.  I’m so uncool, I’m hot.  Scorching.  I’m the Heat Miser. 

But my students, oh my students.  They definitely deserve their own Best Of list.  This has been a semester of relatives “dying,” emergency surgeries, involuntary mental institution commitments, subway incidents and accidents, and a whole slew of other excuses for why they couldn’t get their papers in on time.  Now, before you get your panties in a bunch thinking that Dingo is cruel and lacks compassion because she mocks these students’ tales of woe, remember one thing:  these students are full of shit.

Without further ado, The Top Three Best Worst Excuses For Not Turning In Papers Fall 2008. 

Winner

Our first entry comes straight from a student we’ll call TMFI.  Yes, that’s TMFI as in Too Much Fucking Information.  She liked to come to my office hours to talk about the new shoes she bought, the dance recital at her community center, that her mom was a SAHM, or even a dinner recipe she wanted to try.  Everything was a source of nonstop chatter and none of it was relevant to the class.  She would sit at my desk and say things like, “Miss, you are a great teacher!  Miss, you are so smart!” — all of this, while true, was a waste of my time. And hers.  She would have been better off getting her nose out of my ass and putting it to the grindstone.

Anyway, TMFI was absent on the day a major paper was due.  I literally bumped into her outside the elevators 10 minutes after class ended.  She was laughing with friends until she saw me. The laughter immediately turned to pouty-lipped dismay.  You see, she had been attacked that morning on her way to school.  Attacked and beaten!  She was just on her way to my office to tell me all. about. it.

I was immediately alarmed but as she began to tell me her tragic tale it didn’t add up.  According to TMFI, she was on her way to school at 8am when she got into an empty subway car.  A black guy came onto the train and, without provocation, began to hit and kick her.  Oh, wait, there was a Hispanic guy sitting nearby but he didn’t help.  No, wait, the Hispanic guy was at the other end of the subway car and didn’t hear or see her being attacked. 

Let’s review the relevant facts, shall we?

Exhibit A: TMFI was on an empty subway car during NYC rush hour.
This is the stuff of NYC commuter fantasies.  If I ever found myself on an empty subway during rush hour, I would swing naked from the ceiling in celebration and shake my booty at all the suckers on the platforms obviously preferring to wait for an overcrowded train.

Exhibit B: The attacker hit and kicked her without provocation and without saying a word during the entire incident.
This is not out of the realm of possibility.  If TMFI began to tell one of her interminable stories, I could see someone being moved to violent action.  I, of the unending patience, have often wished to staple her lips to my desk during one of her office visits.

Exhibit C: While being brutally kicked and beaten, her updo managed to stay perfectly coiffed, her make-up meticulously applied, her silk top and linen pants maintained that fresh from the dry-cleaners feeling, and her skin remained remarkably smooth and free of cuts and scrapes.
Maybe we should call this guy the Gentleman Bandit.  Or maybe he was simply adhering to the 1960s movie thug stereotype of “Hit ‘em where it won’t show.”

Exhibit E: Her attacker didn’t take her Sidekick or iPod.
Who could blame him?  Her iPod was obsolete once the iPhone came out and anyone can pick up a Sidekick on the cheap on Ebay.

Exhibit F:  Although the Gentleman Bandit didn’t steal TMFI’s Sidekick or iPod, he did manage to get steal both the hard copy of her paper and her jump drive; the only place she had her paper saved.
Of course.

Concerned for my lying student’s well-being, I suggested that she call a friend or family member to stay with her for a little while.  She called a friend on her unstolen phone. A tearful and animated conversation ensued.  About halfway through the play by play of her attack, I suggested that the call would probably be more effective if she actually turned the phone on. 

Runner-Up

The subway is apparently a dangerous place for students in my class.  The runner-up Best Worst Excuse is from a student who wasn’t able to turn her paper in because while running to catch the subway, she slipped on ice at the subway station, was knocked unconscious and came to only after class was over.  While she was unconscious, someone stole her paper.

Another Runner-Up

While there were a great many entries in the stoopid category ranging from “I thought this paper was optional” to “I had mono over the weekend,” my favorite was from the student who submitted a paper consisting of a single sentence.  Three weeks later, she emailed me asking why she received an F.  When I told her why, she said she accidentally sent the wrong one.  Hmmm, does this sound familiar to anyone?  I let her resubmit her paper just knowing what was going to happen.  I’m omniscient like that.  And yes, just as in the incident with Patty Plagiarist, this student also plagiarized her entire paper.
This student, however, was less astute at ballsing it out.  When I confronted her with print outs of the various web sites from which she’d plagiarized, she thought she was off the hook.  “But Miss, I didn’t copy from those web sites!  I used different ones!”

And there you have it, Innernetz, The Top Three Best Worst Excuses For Not Turning In Papers Fall 2008.  I am so glad this semester is over.

Speaking of Best Of, don’t forget to enter my giveaway!  All you need to do is leave a comment with a link to a favorite post that you’ve written and you are entered into the drawing.  You can leave it in the original giveaway post or this one.  Just leave a link! The contest ends at midnight TONIGHT!

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