B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Oh, the busy life of Dingo.  One of the perks of not living in the real world is that I get a month off for Winter Break.  An entire month!  Unpaid, of course, but who needs money when I can live on love Ramen Noodles?  I know, I know, Innernetz, you are thinking, “Bitch gets a month off and can’t bring her ass to post more often!” There’s a reason for that, Innernetz.  I’ve been terribly busy.  Please read that last line with a British accent.  No really, do it.  Out loud.  I don’t care if the person in the office next to you can hear you.  I think they’d be impressed that not only are you terribly busy but that you also know a foreign language!

So, what have I been doing you ask? 

• I finally got around to organizing my cookbook.  That took all of two minutes. I basically have two categories:  Soup.  Sandwiches.  I make awesome soup.  I’m still working on the sandwiches. 

• I went to the school at least five times to make-sure-they-got-my-thesis-and-why-haven’t-I-received-any graduation-information-yet-oh-my-god-what-if there’s-a-mistake-and-I-still-need-to-take-another-class-oh-look-someone-left-donuts-in-the-staff-lounge!

• The apartment is finally clean.  Well, except for the bedroom.  Apparently, the people who built our apartment back in the days when people weren’t expected to live past their 30’s obviously counted on tenants not living long enough to notice that there were no closets.  So we have piles of things, stacks of stuff, and mounds of madness just waiting to trip me when I get up in the middle of the night to pee.  The Cougar is coming to visit in a few weeks and I’m hoping that in a fit of nostalgia for my teenage years, she’ll clean my bedroom for me.  Maybe if I play Duran Duran and wear friendship bracelets and parachute pants, she will automatically start sorting and folding in a Pavlonian response.  Then again, she could just ground me until my room is clean. 

• Sleep.  ‘Nuff said.

But best of all, Innernetz, I found a place to cut my hair.  Yes, I went and got my hur did.  It has been months since my last hair cut and I’m still having post traumatic flashbacks. My previous hairstylist was apparently also fan of the 80’s because I walked out of the salon looking like an extra in a hair band rock video. So, I took a day off from eating bon-bons and having our cabana boy feed me grapes to interview a couple of hairstylists.  Yes, I interviewed them.  I asked them questions and asked to see their book/portfolio.  Most of the stylists I spoke to were quite willing to talk about themselves and their work.  I crossed the ones that talked too much off my list.  I don’t care how good you are, I don’t want a chatty stylist. You should be channeling that energy into making me look gorgeous. The ones that looked at me as if I were crazy and refused to talk were not only crossed off my list but I left a big red X on the sidewalk in front of their salon as a warning to others.  Okay, I didn’t really do that last part, but I’m sure if I had, curly-haired women citywide would thank me.  And maybe even throw me a party.

I also eliminated stylists who charged for consultations.  Charging someone a fee to take a look at your hair and the six inch stack of movie star photos you’ve brought in as references is ridiculous.  Some of the salons say that the consultation fee will be deducted from your salon service.  But what if you decide not to get your hair cut with them?  What if you pay your consultation fee and then they bring Bobo the Monkey out to play with your hair?  Although, thanks to my Discovery Channel obsession, I know that monkey’s are meticulous groomers, I just don’t have a purse big enough to carry around enough bananas to properly tip.

But I did find one stylist who met my exacting standards and yesterday was my date with destiny.  She was amazing.  After she was done cutting and styling my hair, I wanted to roll over and have a cigarette.  Walking home from the salon, I stopped at my corner deli to pick up something to eat.  I hadn’t seen the woman behind the counter in almost a month but when she noticed me her eyes got big and she rushed right over.  I was prepared to preen and bask in hair admiration.  She leaned across the counter, “I haven’t seen you in ages!  You look different!” I smiled, “I do?!”

“Yes,” she said, “Did you gain weight?”

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