This Week’s Short List of People Who Piss Me Off

Why is everyone trying to piss me off this week?  As if I didn’t have enough to do getting ready for the start of summer classes, I had to sit down and write some letters:

Dear fuckety-fuck-fucking-fuckheads at the Philadelphia Valley Swim Club,

You know, this flap over throwing the black kids from the local summer camp out of your pool is your own damn fault.  Sure, you signed the agreement to have the kids from a local summer camp come to your pool.  And yes, you took their $1900.  But what you didn’t do, you sillies, is make sure all the kids were white!!  And now, there’s an uproar because your club President expressed concern that allowing the children to swim with you would change the “complexion” of the club and some of your members feared that their children were not safe around the black kids.  Thank you for demonstrating to the rose-colored glasses contingent that there’s no such thing as a post-racial America.  Or maybe you didn’t read the post-racial memo with all those black letters blighting that pristine white page and whatnot.  It’s more likely that you’re just dumbass motherfuckers who didn’t cut eyeholes in your sheets.  Either way, fuck you with a burning cross.

Sincerely,

Dingo

Dear Obama,

I know you must be surprised to be on the short list of people who’ve pissed me off, but here you are.  When you first took office I was ecstatic, giddy even, as I stood in Times Square with thousands of others watching the election results come in.  We kissed friends, we kissed neighbors, and I may have even slipped some tongue to a gorgeous Swedish tourist.  You, however, seem to have given those of us who voted for you the big kiss-off choosing to lock lips instead with Right Wing ass.  At first, I didn’t view it as pandering as others did.  “Oh, no,” I said. “He’s reaching across the aisle!  He’s building bridges! Give him a chance!” And yes, I used a lot of exclamation points. 

Well, Obama your building bridges has turned into a game of Chutes and Ladders.  You’ve backtracked on repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, you’ve appointed radical Anti-Choice Activist Alexia Kelley to the Department of Health and Human Services, and your promises about closing Guantanamo Bay and actually upholding our Constitution and restoring our good name were as empty as Keira Knightly’s bra.  In spite of the Michelle baby-bump speculation, I’m starting to think you’ve lost your balls.  I voted for change and I voted for principles.  Get your act together, POTUS, or my next letter to you will be short, sweet, and to the point: F.U.

Sincerely,

Dingo

Dear Annoying Parents in the Dog Run,

Do not yell at my dog.  She doesn’t bite but I do.  Dingo Girl had no interest in your big-headed offspring.  She was playing at least eight feet way with her best doggy buddy when you decided that you weren’t taking up enough space with your stroller, diaper bag, wagon, and soccer ball and moved in our direction. Your baby was completely safe at all times since there was absolutely no way Dingo Girl would ever fit that ginormous Tweety-Pie head in her mouth.  Believe me, your baby is safe, although you might want to consider forgetting about the college fund and think about setting aside a HUGE dowry. Maybe one about the size of your kid’s head.  And oh, it’s a DOG RUN not a freakin’ playground!  I’d tell you to get your head out of your asses but since it’s obvious where your little Jimmy Neutron got her noggin, I think you’re quite stuck.  So, fuck you.

Sincerely,

Dingo Didn’t Eat Your Baby

Well, that’s it for now.  I’m sure as this week goes on this list will get longer and longer.  That’s just the sort of mood I’m in.

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