98 Degrees and No Nick Lachey
I ran a 10K today. And oh my holy hell, did I feel every K. As Marian the Librarian and I lined up for the start, I was worried. It was only 9am and it was hot. Sorry, let me rephrase that. It was only 9am and it was so hot I was sweatin’ like a whore at bible camp. And that was just from standing at the starting line!
When the race started there was a large mass of forward movement. From where I was positioned, I could see the thousands of racers in front of me stretched up Central Park West like a giant centipede. It undulated and swayed in a multicolor array of bodies, clothes, and feet. It was at that point that I decided I was either already dehydrated and hallucinating, or I was part of something big. I chose to believe the latter. Did I mention it was hot? Hotter than the hinges of Hell.
Once we got into the park the shade provided some relief. Not much, though. I was so glad that Marian the Librarian was with me. Chatting with her helped distract me from the heat. Well, it only provided a little distraction because almost all we could talk about was the heat. And beer. Talking about the beer we planned to chug at the end of the race was definitely helpful. The first fluid area came none too soon. The stampede to the water tables reminded me of the westerns I watched as a kid when all the buffalo would suddenly startle and go running pell mell toward the cliff. I swear, if the water table had been at the bottom of a cliff, I would’ve taken a swan dive into a Dixie cup. Fortunately, that wasn’t necessary. In addition to the water tables, the race organizers had someone with a huge fire hose spraying water over the runners as we passed by. Blessed brief relief!
Although I was pretty confident that the heat would take some of the people out of the race, I was also upset that some people weren’t instantly disqualified over poor fashion choices. Now, I do not have fancy running duds. I have running/bike shorts that eliminate the chub rub and a t-shirt. However, I feel very strongly that if you are going to buy fancy running duds that you should buy a racer back bra to go with your racer back running shirt. How many times do I have to say this folks? Athlete or A-list superstar, No. Exposed. Bra. Straps! I asked Marian the Librarian if she would mind if we picked up the pace a bit so I could issue a citation to the fashion wreck a few paces ahead of us. She was against the idea. I really think I need to have a chat with Obama and see if he can add this to his platform for the upcoming election.
Things went along well for a while. Until today, my longest run had been a little more than 40 minutes. As we approached the five-mile mark, my race time was about an hour. I was really proud of myself but could feel the effects of the heat and humidity setting in. My legs felt great but I could feel my face was flushed and an overall exhaustion began to set in. I also felt kinda dizzy. Immediate warning sign of dehydration. Although Marian the Librarian and I had water at every fluid station, it wasn’t enough. It was about this time that I questioned the whole intelligent design theory. Wouldn’t a truly intelligent design have us store water in our thighs like camels? I mean, if my thighs are going to jiggle anyway, wouldn’t it be better to have that jiggle come from a useful function like water storage than as evidence of my peanut M&M addiction? At the very least, there could be a place in my thighs to store M&Ms.
Marian the Librarian could see that I was faltering and kept me going with encouragement and threats. Okay, so maybe she didn’t threaten me, but I honestly can’t tell you what we talked about the last mile. We passed other runners who had passed out or who just plain ol’ couldn’t make it. Paramedics and ambulances were almost as prevalent as the racers at this point. Before I knew it, the finish line was in sight. There were a lot of people cheering us on the last ¼ mile and it made such a difference. Between the people at the side of the road cheering for us and Marian the Librarian telling me that she was not going to drag my sorry, sweaty ass across the finish line — Okay, maybe those weren’t her exact words; she might have said something like, “You’re almost there! You can do it!” but I know she meant, “You’d better do it because I’m not going to drag your sorry, sweaty ass across the finish line!” — I crossed the finished line! Woohoo!
It was amazing feeling! I can’t wait until the next race. I enjoyed this race but it has made me realize that training for the marathon is going to suck like a Hoover. Or maybe even a Dyson. Does anyone even buy Hoovers anymore? After beer and mozzarella sticks, our traditional post race fare, I made my way home. Shower, nap, and mindless TV were the order of the day, although I dragged myself to a nearby salon for a pedicure and foot massage. Heaven! I called Marian the Librarian later in the afternoon. While I had been basking in my accomplishment from the comfort of my couch, she had vacuumed her apartment, organized her upcoming vacation, written a novel, and developed a ground-breaking open-heart surgery technique. It made me tired. So I took another nap. And then wrote this post. The end.
Posted on Sunday, June 08, 2008 at 12:59 AM.
Tags: Fashion is Smashin'!, Leaps and Pounds, Marathon Madness
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Comments & Trackbacks
I LOVE the alliteration of “hotter than the hinges of Hell.” I’m totally stealing that.
I think the amount of sweating at bible camp would depend a lot on the KIND of whore you’re talking about, don’t you agree. I’d like to think I’d be the brash, blatant, unrepentant kind of whore; the kind who’s fun at parties and who all the good Christian men would want to have around the campfire at night and who all the woman would cluck about at the sewing circles.
I love your running posts. I don’t understand, even a little, why you do such a silly thing as races, but I do like reading about it as long as, you know, I don’t have to actually DO it....
Wow, you have my utmost admiration. I don’t even like running when it’s nice out, let alone when the weather hits 101 degrees at noon.
Mrs. Chili — Feel free to quote me whenever the mood arises. When I think of whores in bible camp, the image of western dance hall girls come to mind. I’m waiting for the opportunity to yell out, “Belly up to the bar, boys!” You can quote that one as well.
NPW — This running thing sounded like a great idea when it was nice and cool out. With my latest rant at God, I’m thinking I probably need to get used to functioning in this kind of heat anyway.
Congratulations on finishing the run!! I have an amazing amount of respect for your commitment to running! Just walking around the city yesterday made me sweatier than I like to be. I hope you get to enjoy the rest of the weekend in air conditioned goodness!
You finish off your race day with beer and mozzarella sticks? This definitely makes me want to become a runner. Seriously though- good for you!! What an awesome accomplishment.
Hamster_grrl — I have spent most of the weekend on the couch or at my computer in air conditioned splendor making lists of what I should be doing.
I left some suggestions for your NYC tour in the comments section of your web site. I am looking forward to your zombie pics!
brandy Post race it’s important to replenish your body with liquids and protein. Beer and mozzarella sticks fit the bill, don’t you think? Of course when the beer comes several minutes before the food, it hits your depleted system like a tsunami. I think I have found the secret to the runner’s high I hear so much about.
Good for you! Gawd, I miss running in races. I hate running, but I love that feeling of accomplishment at the end of a race.
Congratulations.
wow - that’s so impressive. you go girl. just breathing outside this weekend was bad - can’t imagine running. there should have been a giant slip-n-slide at the finish line as an added incentive.
Bwahahahahaha!!!!
Sweatin’ like a whore at bible camp!
Love that.
And can I please join you for the celebratory beer?
Ree — I don’t know if I’ll ever be one of those people who loves the act of running but you are right, the feeling at the end is incredible.
blakspring — Slip-n-slide! I love those! I’ll suggest it to the event organizers for the next run.
Crissy — Oh yeah! Come on over!
Wow! Good for you! I don’t even like to move off the couch when it is that hot, let alone run a LONG DISTANCE!
You’re my hero!
good for you lady! a 10k! awesome!
holy hell, you give me some hope- i have my damn bootcamp tonight in this 98 degree heat/humidity (and no nick, sigh) and im already getting nervous.
if you can do a 10k then i can do the bootcamp, right?
Kristabella — This morning (8am) it was already 80 plus degrees. I may be using our elliptical on days like this. When I had the adrenaline of a race and cheering crowds running was doable. If I tried to run today, I’d be stopping every 15 feet at the sidewalk vendors to fill up on water and ice cream.
brookem — Day-um, Girl! You are tough! I think I’d be telling the bride to order me a moumou and then I’d call it a day.
I am so not running until this heat wave is over. I’m sitting in my air-conditioned office scarfing peanut M&Ms;, and after they kick me out of the library I’m going to be a beer-seeking missile. So maybe there will be a brief sprint from work to the bar.
And Dingo, you are just as much fun to run with as your posts indicate!
I still wouldn’t have dragged your ass over the finish line though. I could barely get my own to the end!
Way to stick it out. And yes, marathon training in the heat is Dyson awesome.
Dingo, you rule. I cannot imagine doing a race now that it’s summer. I will drink my next glass of water in your honor. LOVE the idea of storing water in our thighs, too. That would come in way more handy than the salami and cheese deposits that have taken up residence in mine.
*chortle* Now that was a funny post! I’m just impressed that you ran 10k! Hot, cold, windy, calm, shady, sunny… it doesn’t matter, I can’t run worth squat. Hike up a trail for hours on end? No problem. Run for over 15 minutes? I feel like I’m gonna pass out. And so, with all humbleness, I bow to your running prowess!
Mel Heth — I want to run a 1/2 marathon like you did but don’t think I’m going to be able to fit one in before the marathon. You rule!
GeekHiker — What’s so funny is that I have been able to run for longer and longer distances but walking up the two flights to my apartment leaves me winded.
justrun — Running when it was a bit chilly wasn’t so bad but there’s only so many layers of clothing I can take off in this heat. Once I’m down to my bikini and running shoes, it’s less of a race and more like an exhibition.
Marian — Surely you don’t mean that about not running in this heat wave. You know there’s another 10K in July, right?
I admired your being cool in the heat of the sun while on a race like that and finished it.Sometimes it teaches us to be patient and keep our cool mind under control.