A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To Class
I love the Best Of lists that come out this time of year. I get to review the various lists for all the songs I need to know, books I must read, and movies I have to see in order to be one of the cool kidz. From what I can tell so far, my coolness factor is nil. I’m so uncool, I’m hot. Scorching. I’m the Heat Miser.
But my students, oh my students. They definitely deserve their own Best Of list. This has been a semester of relatives “dying,” emergency surgeries, involuntary mental institution commitments, subway incidents and accidents, and a whole slew of other excuses for why they couldn’t get their papers in on time. Now, before you get your panties in a bunch thinking that Dingo is cruel and lacks compassion because she mocks these students’ tales of woe, remember one thing: these students are full of shit.
Without further ado, The Top Three Best Worst Excuses For Not Turning In Papers Fall 2008.
Winner
Our first entry comes straight from a student we’ll call TMFI. Yes, that’s TMFI as in Too Much Fucking Information. She liked to come to my office hours to talk about the new shoes she bought, the dance recital at her community center, that her mom was a SAHM, or even a dinner recipe she wanted to try. Everything was a source of nonstop chatter and none of it was relevant to the class. She would sit at my desk and say things like, “Miss, you are a great teacher! Miss, you are so smart!” — all of this, while true, was a waste of my time. And hers. She would have been better off getting her nose out of my ass and putting it to the grindstone.
Anyway, TMFI was absent on the day a major paper was due. I literally bumped into her outside the elevators 10 minutes after class ended. She was laughing with friends until she saw me. The laughter immediately turned to pouty-lipped dismay. You see, she had been attacked that morning on her way to school. Attacked and beaten! She was just on her way to my office to tell me all. about. it.
I was immediately alarmed but as she began to tell me her tragic tale it didn’t add up. According to TMFI, she was on her way to school at 8am when she got into an empty subway car. A black guy came onto the train and, without provocation, began to hit and kick her. Oh, wait, there was a Hispanic guy sitting nearby but he didn’t help. No, wait, the Hispanic guy was at the other end of the subway car and didn’t hear or see her being attacked.
Let’s review the relevant facts, shall we?
Exhibit A: TMFI was on an empty subway car during NYC rush hour.
This is the stuff of NYC commuter fantasies. If I ever found myself on an empty subway during rush hour, I would swing naked from the ceiling in celebration and shake my booty at all the suckers on the platforms obviously preferring to wait for an overcrowded train.
Exhibit B: The attacker hit and kicked her without provocation and without saying a word during the entire incident.
This is not out of the realm of possibility. If TMFI began to tell one of her interminable stories, I could see someone being moved to violent action. I, of the unending patience, have often wished to staple her lips to my desk during one of her office visits.
Exhibit C: While being brutally kicked and beaten, her updo managed to stay perfectly coiffed, her make-up meticulously applied, her silk top and linen pants maintained that fresh from the dry-cleaners feeling, and her skin remained remarkably smooth and free of cuts and scrapes.
Maybe we should call this guy the Gentleman Bandit. Or maybe he was simply adhering to the 1960s movie thug stereotype of “Hit ‘em where it won’t show.”
Exhibit E: Her attacker didn’t take her Sidekick or iPod.
Who could blame him? Her iPod was obsolete once the iPhone came out and anyone can pick up a Sidekick on the cheap on Ebay.
Exhibit F: Although the Gentleman Bandit didn’t steal TMFI’s Sidekick or iPod, he did manage to get steal both the hard copy of her paper and her jump drive; the only place she had her paper saved.
Of course.
Concerned for my lying student’s well-being, I suggested that she call a friend or family member to stay with her for a little while. She called a friend on her unstolen phone. A tearful and animated conversation ensued. About halfway through the play by play of her attack, I suggested that the call would probably be more effective if she actually turned the phone on.
Runner-Up
The subway is apparently a dangerous place for students in my class. The runner-up Best Worst Excuse is from a student who wasn’t able to turn her paper in because while running to catch the subway, she slipped on ice at the subway station, was knocked unconscious and came to only after class was over. While she was unconscious, someone stole her paper.
Another Runner-Up
While there were a great many entries in the stoopid category ranging from “I thought this paper was optional” to “I had mono over the weekend,” my favorite was from the student who submitted a paper consisting of a single sentence. Three weeks later, she emailed me asking why she received an F. When I told her why, she said she accidentally sent the wrong one. Hmmm, does this sound familiar to anyone? I let her resubmit her paper just knowing what was going to happen. I’m omniscient like that. And yes, just as in the incident with Patty Plagiarist, this student also plagiarized her entire paper.
This student, however, was less astute at ballsing it out. When I confronted her with print outs of the various web sites from which she’d plagiarized, she thought she was off the hook. “But Miss, I didn’t copy from those web sites! I used different ones!”
And there you have it, Innernetz, The Top Three Best Worst Excuses For Not Turning In Papers Fall 2008. I am so glad this semester is over.
Speaking of Best Of, don’t forget to enter my giveaway! All you need to do is leave a comment with a link to a favorite post that you’ve written and you are entered into the drawing. You can leave it in the original giveaway post or this one. Just leave a link! The contest ends at midnight TONIGHT!
Posted on Monday, December 29, 2008 at 06:39 AM.
Tags: Little Red Schoolhouse
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Comments & Trackbacks
Wow, I’m so glad I didn’t go to college in NYC. I mean, they’re lucky they survive much less get papers done!
This may be my favorite best-of list yet.
See? This is why I’m just going to sit on my degree and NOT TEACH.
I’d rather be poor and stupid just like that black guy and the deaf Hispanic guy on the subway than teach morons like that.
Seriously.
It makes me too crazy.
I don’t have a favorite blog post. I don’t think.
I, for one, am THRILLED to know that the muggers and thieves in NYC are such intellectuals!!!
And here, Your Majesty, is my humble submission for your contest....(drumroll).....http://moldingyoungminds.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/that-girl/.
:0)
Pssh! Amateurs! I came up with MUCH better excuses for not turning my papers in. Of course, I can’t recall any right now (probably due to excess partying and the resulting brain cell loss).
Wow.
I hadn’t realized you taught in NYC, I wonder if you’re at my cousin’s U? I think she’s at Columbia. Her name is Charnelle Crick.
This will sound positively geeky of me, but I never did this. I figured Karma would come along and kick me in the ass if I did. Apparently, doing your papers on time doesn’t run too high on Karma’s list of good deeds, though.
justrun — What’s even more difficult about going to school in NYC is keeping your stories straight when lying to your teacher.
Crissy — I think the thing that made me angriest about her lie was that she just had to bring all the racial bullshit into it. Really? An unknown black assailant? That’s so Susan Smith 1994.
Ms. H — If I could get the muggers to grade the papers after stealing them, I’d have all my students ride the subway.
Shania — If you think of them, send me the list to distribute to my classes. I’m really tired of all the lame subway mugger excuses.
Memarie Lane — If your cousin hasn’t come home from an English mid-term with tears in her eyes wondering if she should change her major, she’s not in my class.
April — I never did anything like this either. I was on time, respectful, and diligent. Unfortunately, karma doesn’t give a shit and has found other ways to kick me in the ass.
Wow, you have very imaginative students. Back when I was teaching, my students didn’t even care enough to put any effort into lying. They just looked me in the eye and said they didn’t want to do it so they didn’t. Okey, dokey.
The two books look fabulous! I need some inspiration and good kick in the butt. I don’t really have a favorite post but I like this one because of the pictures of Daisy: http://angstgirl.wordpress.com/2008/12/03/crisis-averted/
I was too pansy-assed to make shit up. Which would explain the all nighters and my faster than the speed of lightening typing. I could pull an eight page paper out of my ass in two hours if I was on fire. And not getting an “A” was something that used to make me burn with passion.
Not so much anymore.
In your position, I would spend every free minute busting students, but that might not be the most productive use of my time. There is no way I should be allowed to educate the future leaders of the free world.
Creativity should be rewarded, but it still has to be somewhat plausible...doesn’t it?
This was very helpful. I now have three excellent excuses I can use for when I can’t turn in papers. No more goody two shoes for me! From now on I am going to see how many subway excuses can get me out of papers...I’m sure it’ll work well for me despite the lack of a subway system here.
Jules — Hey, Jules! If they could only apply that imagination to their work assignments, we’d all be happy. Daisy is a cutie.
k8 — Pulling papers out of your ass while being on fire?! Woman, you should’ve joined the circus.
MTAE — I delight in busting the plagiarists. I draw out their interrogation until it’s just almost cruel. But you’d be surprised at how many think they can outsmart me. As for the elaborate “my paper was stolen” liars, if they can get it to me by the end of the day, I accept the paper. They never can. Because they never wrote it.
Megkathleen — You just have to let me know how The Subway Defense works out for you. I’m thinking that it won’t. Just sayin’.
Oh wow...that winner totally deserved that prize. I’m speechless!
What I can’t get over is the college kiddos seem even more clueless than their high school counterparts.
The first one really takes the cake, though.
And my son’s homework really was eaten by one of our guinea pigs, but not so badly that he couldn’t turn it in. His teacher thought the teeth marks were funny. She asked if she could keep it just to show what an actual “my pet ate my homework” paper looks like.
To be fair, I once called in to my second job because I slipped on the icy stairs of the bus I was riding and landed in a huge slush puddle and there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to sit at work for 6 hours sopping wet. So, slipped on the ice and knocked unconscious I would have bought… but someone stole her paper while she was unconscious? Maybe one of her classmates needed a paper, saw her unfortunate accident and nipped off with it? Did someone turn in a paper with the name crossed out and their own written in? Ahhh, those crazy kids…
Oh, good lord. Seriously? She was UNCONSCIOUS until after class was over? And someone STOLE her paper while she was out?
I’ve got to start collecting stories like these. My biggest loser last semester was the kid who couldn’t do her homework because her car broke down.
Huh.....?
I think one of my favorite posts that I’ve written is this one;
http://theinnerdoor.wordpress.com/2007/09/11/ten-things-tuesday-36/
Funniest ‘effin thing I’ve read all day. And I say that completely sober. If I ever come to NYC, I will be extra careful to avoid those special rush hour empty cars, and particularly careful killer ice cream of death on the platform…
stealthnerd — The things these students try to get away with is astonishing. These were just the best excuses of this semester. I could put one of these lists together every semester.
Jen of a2eatwrite — That first one was offensive on so many levels. If you are going to lie, just lie, don’t try to bring in racial stereotypes and prejudices into it. I would probably buy a “my guinea pig ate my homework” excuse. I am a particular sucker for animal related excuses.
MsDarkstar — Apparently she was unconscious for a whole hour on the subway platform—during rush hour—and the only person that stopped stole her paper. That’s hard to believe even for NYC. One other thing, falling into the puddle? I’m sure you look back on that and laugh, right?
Mrs. Chili — Oh, Chili, that is an excellent post. You have a remarkable way of putting your thoughts and belief into words and actions.
GH — Oh yes, the rush hour special. I would recommend bringing something you’ve written with you. That way, if you are robbed, they’ll leave your valuables alone and make off with our paper instead.
I had to look up what a sidekick was as my mental image was someone trying to steal Robin. Nothing so fun as it turns out and yet, I kind of want one!
Tell me, have you had the student who gets indignant when you critique their work and says you are there for them and they pay your salary and you should be nicer to them? The students rule the skool? Have you? *LOL* That was ME! I was such an ass. I’ve also had my moments begging outside my teachers cubicle for the one point that would allow me to graduate with honors. One point! I did lower myself, prostrate to her will, and lay on the floor blocking her roller chair’s path to the photocopier three feet away, and bellowed for all her colleagues to hear that I knew my Freud, Jung and Skinner honestly- test me now in front of everyone - and she just was too wily in her multiple choice and I failed her and to PLEEEEEASE give me one more point! She did. I had my yellow tassle.
Plagiarism is for pussies. I handed in papers late because I was an anxious mess over being sure my bibliography was perfect. I was a nightmare student. With a 3.8!
Those are some of most outrageous excuses I have ever heard, but beyond the “please tell me you’re an idiot or ridiculously willing to let me get away with this, puhleeeze!” category, I love the one sentence email “paper.” I have received numbers of those as tests of the hardness of my ass and resolve and I love bursting those bubbles.
I think that’s because as a student, I ALWAYS had my papers in on time or suffered - and I chose to suffer rarely. I don’t think I ever came up with an excuse, I just took my lumps as I chose them.
I have attached a link to one of my favorite posts (um, written last year) and I hope you like it!
http://thebluetwin.wordpress.com/2007/08/05/thing-thing-called-motherhood/
Lyvvie — I had a witty response to your comment and now it’s gone! Did my own blog just moderate me? Or...you know what? On my way to the computer, I slipped on some ice. While I was unconscious someone stole my comment. Yeah, that’s it.
O’Mama — I really am a hard ass when it comes to people slacking off but I do give leeway to people that have good reasons for not getting a paper in on time. A one sentence “paper” and having someone steal your paper while you are unconscious are not good excuses. Humorous excuses, but not good ones.
I can remember at least three times that I turned in papers late in college, but I think I just went to the professors and said, “I didn’t finish it. May I turn it in late?” and they said, “um, yes.” I think they were just happy that they didn’t have to listen to an overly-complicated and transparent lie.
I love it when there ARE good reasons, and not just a bullshit convention as yeah, I will admit that I am a sucker for the real thing!
Happy New Year!!
First place high school division: MY PRINTER BROKE.
Second place high school division: SOMETHING HAPPENED TO MY PRINTER.
Third place high school division: MY PRINTER RAN OUT OF INK.
And these are all in spite of the fact that on the first day of school, when I think they might have still be listening to me, I told them: NO printer excuses; if the printer doesn’t work--USE YOUR FINGERS AND WRITE IT OUT.
The joys of teaching.
And how come I never got on an empty subway--at any time of day or night? She was so lucky!
Wow, even the runner-up is a doozie. Admittedly, I’ve pulled variations of the second runner-up.
This is why I couldn’t be a teacher.
flurrious — See, simple works best. Wouldn’t you rather have your professor just think that you are lazy rather than that you are lazy and stupid?
O’Mama — It’s always funny to discover what they think are “good” reasons, isn’t it?
Laura — Ohh! I like that! I’m going to have to put the WRITE IT OUT clause in my syllabus.
Rachel — Rachel! *shaking finger* That must’ve been before the days of Mr. Google. Mr. Google never fails me.
Well I think it’s only fair that you send me two witty comments and you have until Monday. New Years’ party you say? Well, your grade depends on those comments being in my inbox by 9am Monday so you figure out which is more important and I’ll see you later.
Have a Happy Hogmanay!!
I really love the student who sent you one line and then claimed to have sent the wrong version of the paper. Hahahahaha! BRILLIANT! (er. maybe not.)
At least they should say their whole backpack was stolen! Geez!
it must be the same guy that stole both papers. someone should put an APB out on him before other college students get hurt...or worse.