A Little Bit Crazy A Lot Of The Time
The first deadline for my thesis is Monday and it’s been a real bitch to finish. I’ve been sitting in front of my computer the past few days surrounded by pages and pages of notes, stacks of books, and enough Red Bull to wake the dead.
That’s why I decided to take a mini-study break and use the Green Tea Calming Face Mask that I had been saving for just such a stressful occasion. The woman on the box looked happy and calm. I wanted to be happy and calm! As my face was on its way to happy calmness, I saw my hair in the mirror. Dear god, this fall weather is wreaking havoc on my hair. I needed a hot oil treatment. But not just any hot oil treatment. I remembered reading about a super-moisturizing-organic-whisk-together-shit-you-have-in your-kitchen-hot-oil-treatment. But since I never have time to actually finish an entire magazine article, I wasn’t sure if I need to include olive oil and avocado and egg and mayo and honey. I figured a lot of moisture is better than none and whipped up a foul smelling brew with all the ingredients I had on hand. Mr. Dingo decided that it was time to say good-night and ran to bed.
So, with the entire contents of the Whole Foods produce section composting on my head, and a Calming Face mask drying into a Google Maps image of Death Valley on my face, Dingo Girl decided she needed to go out. Thinking that the Chinese Food I fed her earlier must not agree with her, I threw on a hoodie and sunglasses before we had a Def Con 4 situation on our hardwood floors. I was confident that I was sufficiently incognito to take her for a quick walk down the street. After all, who’s out at 2am, right? I’ll tell you who. Everyone. Everyone had decided that one of the coldest nights we’ve had so far was a fine night for a leisurely stroll.
Dingo Girl’s urgent need to poo dissipated as soon as we left the apartment. She suddenly decided, like everyone else on the street last night, that near-arctic temperatures provide a delightful backdrop for window shopping and unhurried wandering. I was afraid that I would run into someone I knew who would either run in horror or ask me to explain my Halloween costume. The great thing about New York, however, is that no matter how out of place you think you are, there’s someone else more fucked up than you. Last night was my lucky night.
As Dingo Girl and I walked down the street we passed a old man in a trench coat and tube socks. Tube socks like the hipsters now wear thinking that it’s retro when it’s actually just stupid. Trench coat and tube socks. And a fedora. But only the brim. Yes, the top of the fedora was missing so the brim of his hat surrounded his head like a monk’s tonsure. Well, Dingo, you ask, how do you know it was a fedora if the top part was missing? Oh you sneaky Innernetz, Dingo can’t slip one past you, can she? I didn’t know if it was a fedora but I do like typing that word. Fedora, fedora, fedora.
Anyway, as we passed by this man he yelled out, “Fuck you!” I turned to tell him that I wished him a good night and that I hoped the blessings of the upcoming holiday season descended upon him like cherry blossoms in spring. He yelled, “Fuck you!” again. Now I realized he wasn’t talking to me. He was talking to a taxicab on the street that was bleating its horn like a Jeopardy game show contestant on meth. They made an odd musical pair.
Honk.
Fuckyou!
Honk.
Fuckyou!
Honk.
Fuckyou!
The man never broke stride and was oblivious to the stares and shocked looks he was attracting as his tube-socked, trench-coated, fedora-brimmed self walked down the street. The scene took on an added element of ridiculousness when both the cab driver and Fedora man increased the tempo of their night music.
Honk. Fuck.
Honk. You.
Honk. Fuck.
Honk. You.
This continued until the man turned the corner. A woman who might have been a man wearing a red-sequined evening gown under a pink fur jacket, but also wearing tan construction boots and a utility belt complete with foot-long flashlight attached, was standing at the bus stop where Dingo Girl decided she needed to make her night deposit. She turned to me and, looking directly into my moon-colored hardening-face masked oliveoilavacadoeggmayohoney hair treatment hoodied person, said, “Can you believe the freaks that walk the streets around here?”
“No, m’am,” I said, my face mask cracking a little around the corners of my mouth. “No, I can’t.”
Posted on Friday, October 31, 2008 at 01:10 PM.
Tags: It's All Relative, In The Neighborhood, Dingo Girl, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
Do you know that you are seriously one of my all-time favorite bloggers? Because of posts like this; freaks indeed! Not you, of course.
This is why I wished I lived in New York - who doesn’t love freaks yelling Fuck you at cabs?
I always wondered if the monk haircut had a name, other than “The Bald Spot o’God.” This is why *I* love your blog; I always learn something!
I’m going to start calling the dog’s droppings “deposits” rather than “fucking disgusting shits,” too. It sounds more civilized.
All that writing sounds stressful! At least it’s almost done.
Wow...good for you for having the nerve to go out in public like that (and not turn around as soon as you saw someone!). 
I really need to get out more.
Kori — Thanks, Kori! I’m sure in NYC, I fit right in. I’m a little wary of leaving the city because I’m pretty sure I’ll be an odd bird anyplace else.
Megkathleen — It’s one of my favorite pastimes!
saratogajean — I always thought the bald spot was where god reached out and touched them, “Tag! You’re it!”
Zandria — This first deadline is the tough one. After this, it’s fine tuning and editing. I’ll be relieved when it’s all over though!
Tara R. — Yes, you do - in NYC. Come visit!
Look at you go! You’re almost through that first one. Yee ha!
I don’t know New York like you do, but I’m guessing you fit it quite a bit more than you would have anywhere else.
So is your face calm now? You’ll have to give me your recipe.
A great piece. Great, great.
It’s about time cabbies got a musical mention. And may I just say that, post-application, Mr. Dingo “ran to bed,” I choked on a mouthful of fine Chimay blue.
So how did your hair turn out? You are brave!
Thesis, eh? Good for you. I just wrote part 1 of my masters “thesis” (I quote because it’s kind of a lame version of a thesis) and I was so proud of it. THen I got a not-so-good grade on it. Pissed me off.
And oh man, love the street-walking story. LOVE the cab/dude duet and the lady/man in the dress was the best ending ever. I think your stories could be on TV.
*shudders*
That story reminds me of the days of transvestite hookers working the streets on Van Buren St. In downtown Phoenix, AZ. Once when N was going in to work at a station near the questionable area one of them tried to climb in the passenger seat of his car!
Do you take a gun with you?
justrun — One of my students today told me that I was eccentric. I’m going to choose to believe he meant that as a compliment.
sunny — It’s an easy recipe. Add some of this, a lot of that, and then mush it all together!
Charlie — Chimay Blue! Are you sure you weren’t choking because that is just some bitter, bitter stuff?
jane — My hair was a silky mane. My hoodie was ruined. You can’t get olive oil and avocado out of a hoodie.
Talina — A gun?! No, I didn’t take the gun. The police helicopters and the strategically placed snipers along the rooftops make me feel safe.
Sometimes I yell fuck you out the window, but I live in a really small town so people just stop and stare. LOL
I SO belong in NYC. I’ve often wondered what to wear my toolbelt with to accesorize, and now I know. And I use enough foundation to qualify as a mask, so I’m good there too. Soul sistahs, I tell ya.
You are too funny - love that shopped photo- St. Carmina of the Thesis!
Halloween was obviously the perfecto time to take the vegetable aisle of Whole Foods (and I envy you for having that store around: out here we are bereft) for a walk in various liquid states on your head; reminds me of Buffy when, on Halloween, all the demons and vamps walked freely among the Sunnydale denizens, the “happy meals on legs,” I ramble - what a cool word- ramblerambleramble.
Good luck on your thesis!
Maxie — I think they were a little upset that you weren’t wearing a red-sequined dress with construction worker boots. I hear that is all the rage. Try it, I bet the response from Mayberry will be much, much more accepting.
Shania — I am full of fashion advice. My biggest secret? Throw a feather boa around your neck. It goes with jeans, it goes with shorts. You will be the style maven of your block.
O’Mama — St. Carmina of the Thesis! I love it! I will be the patron saint of all beleaguered, mask wearing Master’s students.
How did I not know until now you were in NYC?!? It so totally makes sense, I’m pissed at myself for not figuring that out.
Is it better to be a little crazy a lot of the time or a lot crazy a little of the time?
SO?! Is your hair gorgeous and shiny? More to the point, how long did it take to rinse that shit completely out?
April — You might not have known because maybe the crazy didn’t show before? And I’m not sure what the “it totally makes sense” is supposed to mean, my friend. It makes sense because NYC is the perfect place for nuts like me?
Ree — You could go crazy trying to figure that one out.
Mrs Chili — My hair actually did feel great but I couldn’t get the smell out. Also, rinsing it out was nasty and my tub looked like a sewer. Yuck.
I really love that you went out with your face mask on and whatever that shit was that you had in your hair! I heart you, Dingo. And I hope all goes well with the thesis. xoxoxo
Aw man! Now I want to know why he was swearing at the cabbie!?! haha I have the best picture in my head of you walking down the street.
Awe I wish you lived in my neighborhood! I would’ve loved to scream “zombie face!” and run away from you and Dingo girl.
Good luck with the rest of your thesis! Tell me when you’re done and I’ll have 6 glasses of wine in your honor.
Someday you’ll have to give me the full NYC tour, m’kay?
Though not right now, as I’m pretty sure I know what you’re doing as I write this… good luck on the thesis!
Hey, I think you found a topic for your NEXT thesis....you can dress up as oddly as you want to see how long it takes a New Yorker to think you look strange. I just met Leslie, the infamous Austin transvestite, who is not foolin’ anyone. I’ll recommend your hair tonic, though. That kid’s hair lacks some serious bounce.
Lara — Thanks, Lara. If my thesis sucks, I may have a future as a smoothie maker.
MsCatalysta — Do you really need a reason to swear at a cabbie?
Mel Heth — If you’d done that, my face mask would’ve cracked from laughing and that really would’ve scared some folks. Can you imagine a woman walking down the street with her face sloughing off?
GeekHiker — One NYC tour coming right up! Well, after the thesis…
thecoconutdiaries — If you introduce me to Leslie, I’ll introduce you to NYC’s infamous Naked Cowboy.
Oh my goodness! That is too funny! I will never take having a fenced in yard for granted again.
NEVER.
And DID THE HAIR THING WORK?
dingo, you are soooo awesome. i’d be too paranoid to leave the house with a face mask and health-food-hair - in case i get run over by a pedicab or something. that’s why i wear clean underwear every day.
Aww, I love this city.
Crissy — The hair thing did work. But the smell...oh, the smell…
blakspring — I knew I was forgetting something! Clean underwear!
stealthnerd — Isn’t it the greatest?!
Another reason on my “why to move to NY list.” If you can wander around looking like an escapee from the spa and be considered normal, I just might pass muster.
Jac — Thanks for stopping by. In NYC you can look like a spa, zoo, looney bin, or prison escapee and no one will notice. Tell someone that you don’t like Starbucks lattes though, and people will start to talk about you behind your back. Be prepared.
Sounds like a fun place to take a walk. That is just down right freaking hilarious.
Toe — Hi! Thanks for visiting. One thing I can say about NYC is that there’s always something to see.
How I missed this post, I don’t know. But this is what I like about New York. It’s my favorite, favorite, favorite thing to people watch! Always.
k8 — There’s always something to see here. Sometimes it’s sensory overload but it’s always entertaining.
And I thought walking the dog braless was a sign of my devil-may-care attitude…
Skin calming moisture mask: Guess what? It does exactly what it says it does. You can either use it as a beauty booster when your skin is feeling dehydrated (for 5 minutes), or you can use it for an intense, pampering experience and leave it on for 20 minutes.