All That Glitter
Is it possible to ask for a do-over for an entire week? No, really, I need to do this week over. Whom do we talk to about this?
Monday got the week off to a great start. I managed to ignore the snooze button on my Talking Al Gore alarm clock ("Time to wake up and contribute even more to the destruction of the planet") to stumble out the door for an early morning run. I managed to knock an entire minute off my three-mile run! While basking in the heat, humidity, and painful glow of this milestone during my post-run stretch, I noticed a flash of white down by my little girl bits. Huh? I had worn my black running shorts so the flash of color took me by surprise. It didn’t take Horatio Kane to figure out that I’d committed a fashion crime. My running shorts were inside out. So while I was burning up the miles, the white cotton crotch sewn into my shorts was burning the corneas of my fellow runners. Tell me, who in the world makes black running shorts with a white cotton panty? Who!? Some of you may be asking, “Who wears their running shorts inside out?” To you I say, shush and get back to your spreadsheets and donuts. You shouldn’t be reading blogs at work.
The rest of the week fell into a familiar pattern: I dropped my make-up brush into the toilet. Twice. After spending hours preparing for class, I left my lesson plans, attendance sheet, and Red Bull at home. The lesson plans and attendance sheet were trivial matters compared to the distress of not having my liquid energy. I put my hand through a hole in the poopy bag while picking up Dingo Girl’s evening offering and got a handful of recycled dog food organic waste dog shit. And that was just Monday. All week long, I felt as if I were the subject of a Punk’d all-Dingo special.
But Friday finally rolled around. Marian the Librarian and I had an appointment for a Ladies Who Lunch lunch, that is if your idea of Ladies Who Lunch consists of cold pints and plates of fries. And if that is not your idea of a Ladies Who Lunch lunch, then la-di-da, look who’s puttin’ on airs! After pounding down a few brews we stumbled into Sephora. It wasn’t our original destination but the sign outside advertising a free color consultation and make-over was a sign from the Make-Up Gods that we dared not disobey. It was fate. It was destiny. It was the signpost leading to another disaster.
Marian got whisked away by an edgy platinum blonde with asymmetrical hair and a fun, hip vibe. I was corralled into a chair by a woman whose sole experience with make-up application consisted of painting the detached Barbie Styling Head she got for Christmas with a floor mop. Side note: Did you know that they now make the Make Me Pretty Talking Styling Head? Is it just me or does everyone else find that unbelievably disconcerting as well? There’s nothing like trying to put glitter on your doll’s eyelids while she’s sassing you about how Glitter Glam Green is sooo not her color and did you make sure to moisturize first? Shut up, Be-otch! Anatomically Incorrect Ken is going to be here in ten minutes to take your disembodied self to the prom and you want to be ready, don’t you?
Okay, okay, where was I? Oh yes, as I was leaning back in my chair futilely telling Commandant Clueless that Glitter Glam Green is sooo not my color. She kept telling me to lean forward and to stop squinting. I couldn’t help it. The way she wielded that make-up brush I thought for sure I was going to lose an eye. And she used enough frosted shadow to make me look like a three-tiered Betty- Off-Her-Crocker cake. Between glimpses of myself in the mirror, I tried to make a run for it but she body blocked me. I think I still have bruises.
Realizing that resistance was futile, I humbly submitted to her will. Forty-minutes later, she was done with my eyes. Forty-minutes! I asked about concealer and mascara to complete the look. The sigh she gave me made me feel as if I’d just asked her to donate a liver to the Pâté Makers Association. Just then, Marian the Librarian appeared at my elbow. She. Looked. Stunning. Now, Marian the Librarian is a pretty woman in ordinary circumstances but her make-up person had accentuated her natural beauty. She looked like she wasn’t wearing any make-up at all. I can only imagine all the horny kids coming to her desk at the library asking for assistance. “Excuse me, Ms. Marian the Librarian. Can you help me? I’m looking for Looooooove.” And then Marian the Librarian, who takes no sass from anyone and who has an incredible right hook, would knock them into the reference stacks. They’d feel as if they’d been hit by Cupid and go away happy.
Marian the Librarian took one look at me and said, “I like it. It’s summery.” I think it was because my face looked like a bowl filled with tropical fish. Commandant Clueless looked at me expectantly. Um, did she really expect me to buy any of this crap? I didn’t buy any make-up but I did buy a nice face wash and travel chisel to help remove the layers of spackle.
I should’ve ended the evening right there and gone home to console myself with Grey’s Anatomy re-runs. Dr. McSteamy, with all his plastic surgery prowess, would make things okay. Hell, as surreal as my day had been, he might have even reached through the screen to tell me how to fix the hot mess on my eyes. But no, I headed to H&M where I tried to fit into clothes made for people as thin and boobless as a Barbie Styling Head.
But the day and the week wasn’t a total wash. I got home to find out our A/C was on the fritz and the make-up soon melted right off. Thank heaven for global warming.
Posted on Saturday, August 02, 2008 at 08:42 PM.
Tags: I Hate Shopping, Fashion is Smashin'!, La Vida Loca, Leaps and Pounds, Little Red Schoolhouse
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Comments & Trackbacks
You have my absolute sympathy as I think I was having the same week, JUST ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD.
I was sick as you know and that just made everything ten times worse, then I cried in front of my workmates because I was sick of being sick.
Here’s to next week being a shitload better (not dogshit though, oh no)
xx
LaLa — You also need some rest! Easier said than done, huh? Oh, and just for kicks, you can tell your workmates that you were crying because you heard that they were all being fired and you just don’t know how to handle the workload after they are gone. Good for a small laugh.
I had a similar make-up experience once. In my early 20’s I kept my hair really short. I went to my stylist and asked him to just make my hair as short as he possibly could without using the clippers. I had no idea how short that would turn out to be. It was a buzz without the buzz. When he was done, we looked at each other in the mirror in silence, with stunned expressions on our faces.
“Sweetie,” he said, “I think we’d better put some make-up on you.” Very considerate of him, it was an Aveda salon after all, and I was facing a walk home through downtown Palm Springs on Dinah Shore weekend looking butcher than a butcher.
He made me look like Annie Lennox. Or maybe David Bowie with Annie Lennox’s hair.
I am not reading this at work. Well, not today, at least. 
Last week I got my haircut and chatted with the lady in the next chair, who was in the middle of a 1 1/2 hour hair-cut. I sat down, the hair trimmed, and was done in 10 minutes. Some days, being a guy is the greatest! :D
I’ve never done one of those department store makeovers. I don’t wear makeup anyway, and those women scare me.
I’m giggling about the inside-out shorts, though. Many moons ago, I issued the decree that She Who Folds the Laundry will no longer turn others’ clothing right-side-out; it gets folded the way it comes out of the drier. Several times, young Chilis have worn their shirts to school with the seams facing out…
Those Sephora girls can do some things so well and others you come out looking like a drag queen who put her makeup on in the dark. Yikes!
Congrats on the 3 mile run! That’s a really nice milestone to hit.
And you can sit by me anytime!
Memarie Lane — Ha! Annie Lennox haircut during Dinah SHore weekend. Girl, I think there’s a blog post in there somewhere!
GeekHiker — Mr. Dingo not only does not appreciate how long my hair takes to cut (certainly not 1 1/2 hours!) but that it’s also considerably more expensive than getting his cut. Not fair.
Mrs. Chili — I’ve seen your pics. You don’t wear make-up? You look that good au naturale? I hate you. But love you. Tell Beanie and Punkin’ that I can’t help but laugh at the thought of them going to school with tags facing the wrong way and seams exposed to all the world.
MsCatalysta — It’s hit or miss with makeovers. There was a make-up artist next to me who looked like Goth meets Merchant Ivory but the two women she did while I was being bullied by Commandant Clueless left their chairs looking really good! We should sit together and talk about people getting make-overs!
Those make-up ladies are a scary bunch. I’ve never gotten a makeover where I didn’t look like I was dipped in kindergarten paint.
Okay, you’re definitely due a new week. I guess I’d better not tell you how much fun I had while in Toronto? (My penance will be reading lots and lots and lots of Don Quixote and Song of Roland this week).
We call those Poopy bags, too. And when we shake them, he gets all excited and dancy!
I’m sure you looked gorgeous. snort.
AND, my code thingy? says “looked21”. Seriously!
Tara R. — Make-overs always sound like a good idea but unless it’s for a TV show and I’m getting extreme plastic surgery in the deal, I think I’m going to pass from now on.
Jen of a2eatwrite — I love Toronto. And I think Don Quixote and Song of Roland is more than adequate penance.
Ree Ha! I’d love to see the poop dance! And I’m sorry for the mistake, it should’ve said “Look 21” because dahling, you do - no past tense.
instead of fretting over your white cotton crotch you should think of it as starting a new trend. be fierce on your run, darlin’, and own that crotch. soon everyone else will be following in your bold footsteps.
I thought of you today because I decided to start running.
While I managed to put my shorts on right side out, I have to say that running is hard. Very hard. I ran for about 10 minutes and maybe it was like a mile and a half or so. I tried to haul ass as best I could.
I thought I would throw up and/or die.
So good for you for running! I have new respect. Maybe you’ll get the shorts right someday.
blakspring — You are a genius! I can start a new running trend. Will you be my first disciple?
Crissy — The fact that you ran for ten minutes on your first run is impressive. I barely got ten feet on my first try. But it pays off, I ran seven miles yesterday!!
Sorry I dragged you in there - I’m such a sucker for anything with the word “free” in it.
As to the shorts, I can help you with this. Did I mention that I like Lululemon? Did we not pass one on the way to Sephora? Guess what they have. No, guess.
Yes! Reversible running shorts! And, reversible running pants! I think this warrants further research in light of recent Mondays. Because seriously, I would have done the same darn thing about a zillion times by now, were it not for reversible athletic wear.
Oh my gosh, I HATE when there’s a hole in the poopy bag. That’ll ruin just about any good day.
You crack me up, girl. I’ve missed reading your posts.
Oh, how I have missed your acerbic wit! And this is why I don’t wear makeup much.
I was stuffing my face just now with leftover Chinese and I choked a little at the inside out shorts. Nice. Not as bad, but I wore the WRONG bra to step aerobics once. Not pretty at all. Oh, and I have definitely put my finger through the poop bag on more than one occasion. Plus scraping it off the hairiest ones butt hair. Yum. More Chinese food, please!!
You are a brave woman. I hate those pushy makeup girls. Don’t freaking touch me or try to pretend you know what is best for me! I have control issues.
We have also had quite the shittastic week, actually the whole month has been that way. You know it may be the eclipse and the moon or something. Here’s to a better week!
Marian — All if forgiven because I really do like the facial wash that I bought. Holy Inside Out! Reversible gear? Who knew there was a market for knuckleheads like myself.
justrun — And I was three blocks from home with the only thing to wipe my hands was a flier I pulled off a windshield. Yuck. I think I got poop on the windshield too. Glad you are back!
Kori — I like to say that I’m low-maintenance but I think I’ve finally realized that that’s a lie.
jane — Oh, the scraping it off the butt hair is the WORST! When will they ever learn to wipe themselves? I’m convinced that ‘s why Dingo Girl always follows me into the bathroom. She wants to learn my secret.
I totally read your blog at work and when I saw today’s picture I had some serious high school prom flashbacks. I also have the hardest time with people doing my hair and make-up. For years I would sit there even though I didn’t like what they were doing and just take it. I learned the hard way (some lady cut a chunk out of the back of my hair) to speak up because as ofended as they might be, you’re the one who has to live with it.
DirtyLaundryDiva — Yeah, maybe you should avoid the make-overs. I can imagine a make-up fight at the MAC counter and it wouldn’t be pretty. You are definitely due for a do-over. When I find out where to get them, I’ll let you know.
Rachel — You went to the prom without a body and an Anatomically Incorrect Ken doll? My, weren’t you progressive!
Does it make you feel any better that I laughed my ass off at your misfortune? Because I did.
Okay...you’re right behind me, is that? I so should have been working on a spreadsheet but took a break to read this....
Anyway, I’m sorry that your week sucked but it was definitely a funny read, so that maybe that can be your silver lining!
Well he was really, really cute…
Megkathleen — Your turn will come. Don’t you have a wedding to go to with your boss soon?
stealthnerd — I knew I could count on you to find the good in all of this.
Rachel — Woohoo! Maybe you should get a makeover before your next date! I know just the place...
I’m feeling extremely guilty for finding such comic satisfaction in your misfortune. This post was like eating an entire pint of Haagen Daaz hilarity. SO glad we’re adoption you into the family - this confirms you’ll fit RIGHT in.
Really? That was good? Huh.
I knew you had just done 7 miles and so the whole time I was trying not to die I was thinking “holy crap! I cannot imagine 7 miles of this!” But you did it!
That’s really awesome!
I’m glad to hear that I, to paraphrase Tyra, am still in the running towards becoming the next Lady Who Lunches. Are we allowed to have chili and cheese on our fries? That would be a deal-breaker for me.
Also, on a side note--have you seen “The Other Sister?” You know, the scene where she only gets HALF of a makeover at some department store counter? I’m thinking of you hiding around corners and behind Piercing Pagoda kiosks as you try to make your way out of the mall without attacting attention. If you haven’t seen the movie, well, now *I* look like the crazy one.
Mel Heth — Don’t feel guilty. I make mistakes so you don’t have to.
Crissy — Hell yeah a mile and a half is great for your first run! A bit crazy, but great!
saratogajean — Chili and cheese on the fries makes you da man’ da lady! Um, no I haven’t seen it. Yes, you are crazy. But in a good way.
Um...yeah I’m a writer...who doesn’t proof her work very well...I meant “adopting” not “adoption.”
Mel Heth — Adoption or adoptiing, either way we’re family now!
I’m really pissed that for some reason, you haven’t been showing up on my reader!!
And I want the Al Gore alarm clock. Better yet, how ‘bout a McSteamy alarm clock?
April — A McSteamy alarm clock would totally defeat the purpose as I’d stay in bed aaaallll day!
Next time you run, wear your sports bra on the outside. I promise that you will see that shit all over People and InStyle. YOU, my friend, are a trend setter.
Even when I take a picture with me, I have never had a makeover that Ij just loved. I realize the girls are like 12 and get their “training” from porn videos, but how hard is it to make me look like Gabrielle Union??
thecoconutdiaries — You have the greatest ideas, CD! I will try it but I bet some poor fashion backward person like Gold Lame woman will write nasty things in her blog about me.
I would’ve settled for looking like a circus clown or even Tammi Faye Bakker (minus the mascara since be-otch felt it was too much trouble). The hot mess I walked out with was indescribable.
I got dog poo on my hand the other day too. I think I screamed loudly enough for the neighbors to think I was being attacked. And yet none of them came to my rescue. Assholes.
-Jill