Animal, Vegetable, Mineral

Breaking news!  I ate a vegetable for dinner! 

I quit smoking two months ago (go me!), started running, and now, now I’m eating veggies?  What’s next, a cure for cancer?  Don’t roll your eyes, I’m sure whatever is growing in the Petri dish that is my bathtub has medicinal properties.  Mr. Dingo and I are trying to adopt healthier eating habits and so far, of all the changes in my life, this one that has been the toughest.  I mean, I was raised in a family where “fried” is the fifth food group.  If the food wasn’t fried it had best be smothered in gravy.  My culinary role models were not Julia Child or the Cajun Chef and his “un-yones.” I was more cosmopolitan in my tastes, preferring the exoticism of Outback Steakhouse and the intercontinental flair of The International House of Pancakes. 

Obviously, I am not a foodie.  Which, by the way is a pretentious label.  Do people actually go around calling themselves “foodies?” Wait a minute, let me ask my friend Google.  Oh my God, Google says, “Yes!” What does one wear to such an “intimate” event that the information on location will only be given to those who RSVP to the tasting?  Would my Red Lobster bib be completely out of place?  When should one use the finger bowl and when should one just lick one’s fingers and why does one always use the pronoun “one” when trying to sound high-falutin?  I would go to an event like this if just to report back to you but $85 is a lot of money to shell out just to make fun of people when I can get that sort of amusement for free just by walking down the street.  Or teaching my class. 

Speaking of class, yesterday — only two class meetings away from the end of the semester — I was informed that I have to give a final exam in the class.  As part of some new (“new” as in only TWO class meetings from the end of the semester!!) assessment program, all freshman literature classes must have a final exam.  My class took it rather well.  I softened the blow by telling them that I would only use the highest test grade, whether that was their mid-term or their final, when calculating final grades.  I was immediately hailed a hero.  I basked in the praise — “You are soo cool!” and “You rock!” — while secretly patting myself on the back for figuring out a way to avoid creating a new grading rubric.  Oh, and the students that the assessment team chose from my class to assess?  You guessed it, the plagiarist.  Also included in my assessment:  a student who hasn’t turned in a paper the entire semester and someone who has been featured quite regularly in my rants here.  They couldn’t pick my rock stars?  They couldn’t pick the students who amaze me daily with their insights and ability to discuss issues and the complexities of literature and life?  No, they pick the two students who I can’t tell whether they are vegetable or mineral. 

It’s enough to make me want to drink except that, after reading that foodienyc.com web site, I’m beginning to doubt my ability to taste and assess food and wine.  Maybe I should put together an assessment team for food and wine.  We could all meet at my apartment and eat fried food and drink my favorite wine.  I would even spring for one can for each of us.  Of course, since it would be such an intimate setting, I won’t be able to tell you the location until you RSVP.  And please, bring your own Red Lobster bibs.  My set is currently in the laundry hamper until the maid gets around to cleaning them.