At Your Cervix
I got a letter from my ob/gyn yesterday notifying me that it’s time for my semi-annual poke and grope. I like my ob/gyn. She’s funny, pretty, and best of all, she doesn’t pressure me to pro-create. And since she can actually find my cervix, I will continue to see her twice a year. What? You’ve never lost your cervix? You’ve never been a little absent-minded and left your cervix in the back of a cab or perhaps accidentally dropped it in the mail slot while mailing your electric bill? Um yeah, me neither, but that didn’t stop my first doctor from asking me, “Where’s your cervix?” I looked at her to see if she was kidding. She wasn’t. “Well,” I said, “You were the last one to see it, you tell me!”
After more hemming and hawing on her part and oooching and owwwing on mine, she decided to bring in the head doctor, well, not the head doctor. I do have issues but those issues would increase astronomically if my therapist started poking around my nether regions. This doctor came in wearing one of those headbands with a mirror attached to the front and a flashlight. A flashlight? With all the high-tech gadgets sitting in the exam room, the best they could come up with is a miner’s hat and a flashlight? I was getting a little nervous that there would be a knock on the door and seven tiny men with pointed hats would come wandering into the room singing an annoying ditty about going to work. Given my relationship with little people that is not a scenario I envisioned ending well.
The head doctor asked me all kinds of questions like:
Have I had this problem before? The only problem I could see was the fact that two doctors with umpteen medical degrees between them can’t find something that I’m sure was there the night before. Should I call Mr. Dingo to verify this?
Is my pelvis tilted? Only on the dance floor after several Jack and Diet Cokes and some really bad 80’s retro music.
Have I had children? WTF? Did they not read my gazillion page medical history? No, I have not had children. Why? Are they prone to taking cervixes and hiding them in their diapers or something? Just another reason why I am not going to pop one out. Apparently, they like to hide internal organs!
After the exam room became too small for all the doctors and nurses who gathered to look at the wonder of science that is my hoo-ha, we decided that I should go see a specialist. I don’t know if there’s anything worse than having someone look at your hoo-ha as they shake their head and mutter, “We’d better send you to a specialist.” And you know how I KNEW my cervix was where it was supposed to be? Because upon hearing those words, it shriveled up in fear and ended up somewhere near my throat.
So, I went to see the specialist who, without any flashlights, miner’s caps, search and rescue teams, or CSI crews, was able to find my cervix right where it was supposed to be. And I’ve been going to her ever since.
Posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 10:03 PM.
Tags: Leaps and Pounds
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Comments & Trackbacks
I love to read your blog and comment on your blog but, seriously, what am I supposed to say here? Nothing, that’s what.
So I’m just going to say that I’m watching the Olympics all the ‘freakin time right now. I mean, seriously, crazy-in-shape women in tight (or in the case of volleyball, next-to-no) clothing, what’s not to like?
GeekHiker — Doesn’t this make you want to root for our women’s teams even more? They’ve overcome adversity, disappointment, and wandering cervixes to represent our country in the Olympics. Go U.S.A.!
I’m so glad Geekhiker was the first to read this! I was totally thinking of him as I read, wondering what he would have to say on this topic!
Dingo, I think this is the best picture you’ve created yet. I almost want to print it out and make it into a postcard.
When you were lying on the table with Tweedle Doc and Tweedle Dumb, did you happen to hear the word “spelunking” at any point?
Dingo, you always make me laugh, but this was hysterical! Even more so ‘cuz guess what? My pelvis IS tilted and it’s all my kids’ fault!!
how could they lose your cervix? did you find these doctors from a subway advertisement? but at least you like your new doctor. mine keeps telling me that she feels an enlarged right ovary and sends me for sonograms which show nothing of the sort. and she really wants me to get knocked up even though after two and a half years of no miracle of life i’m assuming that’s an impossibility for me. perhaps my uterus has run away with your cervix (like the dish with the spoon).
p.s. - i drink rum and diet coke, and i always feel a little silly for ordering a diet soda. then again, i’d rather save those calories for m&ms;.
Mel Heth — I didn’t hear anything about spelunking but there was some buzz about air tanks, fins, and snorkeling equipment. Also, GH cannot relate now, but in five years after his first prostate exam, he will be singing a different tune.
April — Oh no! Did they put it in their diapers?
blakspring — Rum, Diet Coke, and M&Ms;? Booze and chocolate. If that doesn’t get you knocked up, you and D are not trying hard enough!
BWAHAHAHAHA! It must be the week for poke-and-prods; I saw my smart, pretty, funny OB/GYN on Monday.
WHAT?
That’s all I can think of to say.
WHAT?
Oh, and that picture is awesome!!!
Too funny! What morons. Are they still in practice? I really have no further comment as I’m still laughing my butt off, partially because I can totally see that happening.
Cheers to you!
P.S. Thanks for the reminder to see my smart, pretty, funny OB/GYN/Midwife. Yeah. Good times ahead.
Mrs. Chili — At this point, I’m not gauging “smart” by the diplomas but by whether they can find my cervix without a GPS.
Crissy — I think I would’ve gotten a better exam from the dwarfs but they kept yelling “High Ho’!” and I don’t let anyone call me that. Not unless they lay a few benjamins on the nightstand.
Jenny — Hi Jenny! Thanks for visiting. Yes, they are still in practice. I used to love the office but there’s been such a turnover in the last two years that none of the doctors or nurses that I started with are still there. I think they’re getting their new crew from a casting agent downtown. They just “look” like medical professionals.
That made me laugh, because I once misplaced my ovaries.
“Singing a different tune” on multiple levels, I should think. And, given my family history, I get start at 40! Woo Hoo!
But, hey, give me a little credit. Remember the stones post? Talk about spelunking…
Am I the only one who thinks that the idea of a funny, pretty OBGYN is a little, I don’t know, eeeew? My doc is a friend of mine, and while she IS funny and pretty and all of that, she does not come near my nether regions. I have to wait until she has the other FNP come from out of town. Because while I love her and she is freaking awesome, I cannot imagine sitting over dinner with her and knowing that she knows what my hoo-ha looks like. Eeeeew. Which reminds me that I think it is time to call the office and make my appointment...I haven’t had one since O. was born, and I may have misplaced my cervix, too.
who the hell are these doctors?! geesh. and they seriously came in there with the head thing with a flashlight?! wtf.
*headdesk* I will have to tell my doctor that story the next time I see her. She’ll appreciate it. Oh, and you should totally have your ob/gyn put some glow in the dark body paint on there.
On the subject of doctors pressuring you to have kids: I had a doctor who brought up the subject last year. When I was 22. And not married. Major WTF?!? there. I never went to see that doctor again because I thought it was so completely inappropriate.
Ha! I think yo just gave me an idea for my post today… Keep up with that cervix okay? ;-o
Doctors who can’t find a cervix are scary… Glad you found a good ob/gyn!
Maybe your cervix just wanted a little privacy. Sheesh! When it gets a blog, you are SO going down!!
Yeah...it seems like finding a new doc was definitely a good call. Like you said, the cervix doesn’t seem the type of thing to just go missing.
Noelle — Those darn ovaries! They set a bad example for my cervix.
GeekHiker — Make sure you write a post about that experience! Ahh, yes. The kidney stones. Good times.
Kori — I don’t think I would be friends with her outside the office for the very reasons you mention but I like that she’s personable. I guess it’s weird for some people, then again, I have conversations with the woman who gives me my bikini wax.
brookem — Yes, a headlight and flashlight. How the hell are you going to see anything with that?!
Rachel — Glow in the dark body paint! Maybe a sign that says, “This Way!”
DirtyLaundryDiva — I can’t wait to read your post! Oooops! Gotta run, I think my cervix is trying to get away.
Marjolein — Not that it should make any difference but the fact that these were female doctors and that they were so clueless really irked me.
thecoconutdiaries — We can all troll on my cervix’s blog. That would be fun!
stealthnerd — If you see my cervix on the back of a milk carton, will you please call me?
Oh, that is hi-larious. I think I would’ve flipped out especially if my dr. had asked me if it had ever happened before. That would have been the moment when the swear words would’ve started flying.
dingo- are you reading my mind? because this week I went in search of the cervix… on google images. because I wanted to know what it looked like. And it’s gross!!!! It’s straight out of a horror movie! Don’t you think so? anyway- I’m glad they found yours. It could scare the crap out of a small child if one misplaced it somewhere. Not yours, specifically. Just any cervix. my opinion.
my obgyn is pretty cool too-- she doesn’t stress me out about anything. she just does her business and gets it over with. It’s perfect.
Megkathleen — I should’ve said something like, “Yes, it’s happened before but I put up flyers and offered a reward and someone returned it to me the next day.”
sunny — There’s a reason the cervix is on the inside of the body. It’s not very pretty.
Maxie — I like your ob/gyn! If I got a web cam would she take me on as a patient?
I laughed out loud when you offered asking Mr. Dingo to confirm the Cervix-Sighting!!! Can you just imagine hearing the announcement over the PA system?? “Dr. MisterDingo to ExamOne for a cervix consult. Dr. MisterDingo to ExamOne for a cervix consult. Stat.”
A friend of mine had her “appointment” today, as well. She had a fun little nickname for the medical professionals—“the crotch doc” and “the boob mangler”!!!! Great huh?
No crap… I would definitely prefer an ob/gyn who could find my cervix. Sheesh.
It sounds like your cervix was being serviced by Detroit Edison.
Nothing like a great ob/gyn story. I hate the “dirty doctor” as we called her in my family. I just got new insurance after graduating college and getting a real job with insurance of my very own instead of my parent’s and I had to switch doctors. I hate it!!!
Ms. H — Don’t give Mr. Dingo any ideas! As for the nicknames --love ‘em. I may have to put those to use.
Jen of a2eatwrite — Maybe that’s why DE is so busy. All that consultation on the side leaves them little time for other things, like say, making sure you have power.
MsCatalysta — Switching doctors is a pain in the cervix. I’m currently uninsured. On the plus side, I can go to anyone I want. On the minus side, I have had to ask them to harvest my eggs so that I can pay for the visit.
I love you.
Shelly — I thank you and my cervix thanks you.
LOL! That’s all.
Oh mah holy hell. FUNNY
That’s why they call it medical ‘practice.’ Really makes me feel confident in modern science.
One time, I told my general practice doctor that I needed a recommendation to an ob-gyn. He told me, “I’m family practice, I can take care of it for you!” He seemed excited, so ok, whatever.
He went down there, did his thing, and didn’t say a single thing to me the whole time. No, “Here’s what I’m doing now...” No, “This might pinch a bit.” Nothing.
Except for one thing about half-way through…
“WOW! YOU HAVE A REALLY PERFECT CERVIX!”
I replied with, “Thanks, I made it myself.” Then I felt stupid for days. Scratch that, I still feel stupid.
It does make for a good story though, and I get to tell Husband all the time that he better damn well be appriciating my “perfect cervix.”
Memarie Lane and Ree — I can laugh about it now but at the time I was a little freaked out! Where had I left my cervix. And you know how things are, it’s always in the last place you think to look.
Tara R. — I think these doctors were practicing with that Operation game.
JR — He seemed “excited”? Um, that’s a little creepy. I like your response though. That’s funny!
So it’s just like car keys, in the last place you look. Who knew?!
One of my first OB/GYN’s commented that my uterus was very friable. I waited until I got home to look that up and completely freaked out to read that friable meant “easily crumbled or disintegrated.”
Note to all future gynos: please do not tell me my uterus is crumbling.
justrun — The thing is, how do you look for something if you don’t even know it’s lost!
jenny — Although the actual definition of friable is worrisome at first I was worried that he was saying your cervix is good enough to eat!