Better than Court TV
Wow! The comments and emails from all of you really helped me through a rough patch. Come on, everybody, group hug! I still can’t say that I love my body but I am working on it. Thank you so much for your encouragement and tough love. Well, except for the person who found my blog through the Google search old lady tales. You, not so much.
If you noticed that I was a little late commenting on your blogs today it’s because I spent the day being a fine upstanding citizen. Yes, I had jury duty today. I have never served on a jury so I was a little excited about today, especially since I was reporting for duty in criminal court. Oh yes, I was excited. Nerdily excited (yes, that is a word, I just used it, didn’t I?). That is until I found out that I had to be all the way downtown at the crack of dawn. Day-um, y’all! The guilty thug accused probably robbed some drug dealer of his ill-gotten gains and now he’s robbing me of much needed sleep. That is the true crime, my friend, and I expect the defendant to be punished accordingly.
Of course, I was up all night the night before worried that I would get on some sort of organized crime case and have to go into witness protection. Mr. Dingo tried to assure me that only actual witnesses go into witness protection, but I think he was trying to put on a brave front for my sake. I had my whole life on the lam planned out. My alternate identity as Busty Dawn, my demands for a baby blue Bugatti Veyron, and hookers and blow was all mapped out. Mr. Dingo and I could certainly fly to Argentina for plastic surgery but what about Dingo Girl? I could never leave her behind and I really don’t think she’d take kindly to any sort of alteration. I just can’t picture her as a Collie or Black Lab. So, I will just have to take my chances and hope I do not end up with a horse’s head in my bed tomorrow morning.
Another reason I was looking forward to jury duty is because I thought I would have an unending source of blogging material. Alas, it was not to be. Everyone that walked into the jury lounge looked and acted relatively normal. There was the Wild Bill Hickock wannabe in full western wear that had me wondering if we were going to be dispensing some sort of frontier justice. He dashed my hopes for any lunacy when he settled down for a nice long nap. He didn’t even snore. If he’s there tomorrow, maybe I’ll get him to teach me Texas Hold’em while we wait to be called for service.
Toward the end of the day when I still hadn’t been placed on a jury, this rather distraught man came into the jury lounge. He walked up to the clerk and said, “I need your wifey. It’s important!” While our clerk was amusing and kept referring to us as “his people,” I am pretty sure that he was not into the whole spouse-swapping thing. But maybe he was, because when the clearly agitated man asked again for his “wifey” the clerk responded, “But I don’t have a wife!” Mr. Man was not to be deterred. He looked around the room frantically, “The wifey! The wifey!” he exclaimed as he gestured to the “Wifi access in this area” sign. I don’t know what happened after that because my wifey and I were busy doing potentially life-saving research by scouring YouTube for Key Largo and Face/Off film clips.
Posted on Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 01:09 AM.
Tags: In The Neighborhood, Dingo Girl, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
The verdict is GUILTY - of mispronunciation.
I think I can let the poor guy off on the wife-swapping charges. How does the rest of the jury panel vote?
You have the best sense of humor.
I was on jury duty once. As the daughter of a cop, the wife of a divorced man who was ACCUSED of child abuse (CPS laughed it off because of his ex-wife’s craziness), you’d think I could have gotten excused from a child abuse case, right?
Um, no.
Three days later, I never wanted to eat another sandwich as long as I lived.
Um, you could have at least made stuff up about the jurors and everyone being freakshows.
Just sayin’
Marian — I just know that if I get picked today I’m going to be on the jury with that guy.
Ree — I thought that being a lawyer I wouldn’t have to serve but the clerk dashed that hope right away by saying, “If any of you are lawyers or cops, don’t get your hopes up of getting out of here. I just seated a jury with four lawyers and two cops.” There were audible groans.
Crissy — I have to go back this afternoon. If hilarity doesn’t ensue, I am soooo making shit up.
If you need more clip feed for today, try some Man Stroke Woman episodes, or if you need something more edifying, try “Where the Hell is Matt?”
I just completed a Citizen’s Police Academy. It was pretty interesting. I did it for writing research and expected it to be a snoozefest, but it was pretty cool.
Hope today is more exciting.
Loved the wifey guy!
I have been picked for jury duty but never actually had to serve; just had to call in every week to see if I was supposed to show up. Sad, because I always WANTED to!
Jen of a2eatwrite — I love “Where the Hell is Matt?” It’s so silly but it makes me smile. The title Man Stroke Woman makes me a little afraid. I will be using the government wifey and I just know something like that would land me in Gitmo.
And what, pray tell, is the Citizen’s Police Academy? Can you combine it with Fashion Police 101 for extra credit?
Kori — You have to call in every week? They send us the notice and you have to call the night before to find out if they need you. Then, apparently, you sit around all day to find out if they really need you.
I loved being on jury duty! You don’t have to go to work and you can just read and write and relax and look at weird people. I found it very entertaining to watch how hard people tried to NOT get put on a case, too. If you have to go into the witness(to nothing) protection program, I sure hope you’ll still write a blog somewhere....
I don’t know how it’s happened, but I’ve been registered to vote in this town for going on 20 years and I’ve NEVER been called to jury duty (watch; now that I’ve said that out loud, the summons will arrive in tomorrow’s mail).
Did you ever read “Doing Time in the 13th Chair”? It’s a short story by Scott Russell Sanders in his Paradise of Bombs collection, and it’s all about the observations of an alternate on jury duty. I teach it to my lit and writing classes every term; I bet there’s a LOT of interesting stuff you can blog about your fellow jurists…
I got to serve on a federal jury a few years ago. The Defendent had set up an elaborate Ponzi Scheme and bilked investors out of $65million. Took two weeks to go through all the witnesses and evidence. Took us less than two hours to convict. Total waste of time, we would have returned the same decision on the first day of the trial. The per diem and gas money was nice and the old boss also paid me while I was away. I love the American Judicial System.
Glad you’re feeling better. 
I hope you get assigned to a really exciting case. That would provide excellent blog material. I have my fingers crossed that there will be a confession on the witness stand Law & Order style.
I went to Jury Duty once, and I got dismissed before anything happened. I was rather excited to go, too. I wonder when my next time around will be…
Isn’t it funny how the blog has given you this ‘always look on the bright side of life’ approach to shitty things? Instead of thinking how much I hate going to the OBGYN, now I think “Yippie! Blog Material!!”. I kinda want to walk around with a video camera taped to my back in case cool things happen behind me that I never get to see.
Cross you fingers and hope you end up on the trial of Naomi Campbell’s left and right brain. I hear they’re fighting.
Wild Bill Hickock! That made me laugh more than it should have.
Mel Heth — It’s a wonderful paid day off, isn’t it. And I would definitely blog about being in the witness (to nothing - hilarious!) protection program. And I’d leave a link here so you all could find me...but shhhhh!!!
Mrs. Chili — This was my first time having to serve. I’d been called before but was exempted because of student status. The Sanders piece sounds great! I’d like to do a Law and Lit class and that sounds perfect!
Tara R. — You got gas money! They specifically told us that they would not reimburse any transportaion expenses. I suppose that’s because we could all use mass transit—but they wouldn’t even reimburse that! Cheapskates.
Megkathleen — Nope, nothing Law & Order style. Actually, nothing at all. I just got home. I was so hoping for some sort of emotional breakdown on the stand. I practiced my horrified gasp all last night. My throat is a bit parched.
Noelle — I just got dismissed as well. I was almost offended. I would’ve been a great juror! I told Mr. Dingo that I wanted to be on such an important or dramatic case that they made a movie of it. Starring me as myself, of course.
thecoconutdiaries — Naomi Campbell has a brain?
justrun — The only thing lacking was spurs and I think that’s just because they couldn’t make it through security.
Sometimes I really think I’d LOVE the idea of Jury Duty until I realize that it requires precious time that I care not to waste
Oh man, I laughed so hard at the picture in my mind of the horse’s head in bed. And then I laughed again out loud at “Starring me as myself, of course.” Fabulous.
Deutlich — Believe it or not, I got a lot of work done while I was there. Well actually, it was pre-work work like tasks lists. Task number one: Update passport. Task number two: Leave country. Task three: Forget you ever heard the name Vinnie Big Neck.
jane — I would have invited you and your two little ones to the premier and introduced you to my co-star Christian Bale.
My employer doesn’t pay for jury duty so, while I want to do my civic duty (hey, I loved John Adams, remember?), I find myself hoping not to have to burn the vacation time I’ve saved up to do it. I suppose that makes me selfish, doesn’t it?
My very first time on jury duty was last summer and I got to spend the whole day with my 11th grade English teacher. He was awesome in high school and has only gotten cooler through the years. I was very happy that there was someone there to entertain me.
p.s. Christian Bale is the hotness.
GeekHiker — I could swear that I responded to your comment earlier today but it must be lost somewhere in the blogosphere. Anyway, what I said was that your employer should be ashamed of himself. Interferring in your civic duty like that. I’m sure there’s something about that in the Patriot Act.
Rachel — Yeah, what you are saying is that you were more enthralled with Hot English teacher than the legal process, right? Who can blame you? English teachers are HOT!
p.s. Yes, indeed!
Wifi at jury duty? How perfect! Was that guy missing teeth?
DirtyLaundryDiva — He seemed to have all his teeth but I avoided looking him. It’s best not to make eye contact with the crazies. Scary thought that he might be on a jury, huh?
I’ve never had jury duty before, but I like the idea of it. I always imagine that it would be me and John Cusack (hello Runaway Jury?) stuck in a room alone deliberating a tough case. I would be overwrought with emotion and he would have to comfort me. I’m not sure where the rest of the jury is (because seriously? A jury of 2 does not make sense), but I like thinking about it just the same.
How odd, a girl I work with was telling me that when she was in Bali on holidays she actually saw it spelt “Free Wifey”, so there you go. It’s global
brandy — I like the way you think! I would do anything with John Cusack; jury duty, open heart surgery, teasing cobras.
LaLa — Or, maybe this guy just got off at the wrong airport and should be wandering around Bali looking for a good time!
i think the fact that you want a Bugatti Veyron is awesome.
keng — Hello! I soo want a Bugatti Veyron but Mr. Dingo is mean. He says NO. But he did give me a monthly subway pass.