Candy Land
I am tired. Dog-butt tired. I have no idea what that means but it’s a phrase I’ve used almost all my life. Maybe when Dingo Girl is dragging her ass across the floor it doesn’t mean that she needs her anal glands expressed (AGAIN!), it’s just that her butt is tired. Too tired to lift itself off the floor. Yeah, that sounds about right. Now that I think about it, that’s a pretty good description of how I feel. Too tired to lift my ass off the floor. Thus, dog-butt tired.
Part of the reason I’m tired is these damn mosquitoes. I just can’t get any sleep so I mainline Benedryl to stop the itching and scratching. I eventually fall asleep but wake up groggy and irritable and remain so throughout the following day. I know! Me? Irritable? Hard to believe but true. Just ask Mr. Dingo who, if he knows what’s good for him, will deny that I have anything but a sunny disposition. Oh wait, did that just come across as irritable?
I think, however, that I may have remedied the mosquito problem. After the Listerine hoax, I searched the internet for solutions. There were quite a few sites that had organic and non-toxic suggestions. One web site stated that mosquitoes hate peppermint, eucalyptus, and lavender. It recommended mixing one or more of those essential oils with olive oil to keep the mosquitoes at bay. As it happened, I had those essential oils on hand from my brief stint in aromatherapy. I had visions of making and marketing my own body scrubs, soaps, and candles. Unfortunately, I realized that Lush and Sabon had already cornered the market on those goodies and I’m too much of a product whore to make my own when I can just go down the street and buy it from someone else. Dingo, keeping the economy afloat since 1969.
So, I slathered myself with olive oil and peppermint and walked around smelling like candy. At first, the whole covered-in-olive-oil thing seemed like it might have some practical applications for the bedroom, if you know what I mean. But no, as I’ve said before, between Dingo Girl and Not a Dingo my apartment looks like the shag carpeting inside the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine (Oh come on, you just know that the Mystery Machine was rockin’ the shag carpeting!). Just the other day I opened a brand new bar of soap and found a Dingo Girl hair in the box. WTF? So less than five nanoseconds after massaging the peppermint tinged olive oil into my skin (I was hoping the scent would quickly dissipate and be smelled only by the pesky mosquitoes, because really, who wants to smell like a Junior Mint?) I was covered in pet hair. And I left olive oil stains in the shape of my fat, oily ass on our couch. I thought the olive oil would quickly absorb into my dry-as-the-Sahara skin but it was not to be. Needless to say, Mr. Dingo did not find my Bertolli laden fur coat at all appealing. He can be so picky sometimes.
I slid into bed with visions of sugarplums and York Peppermint Patties dancing in my head, hoping for a mosquito free night of sleep. I took a Benadryl for good measure and woke up… looking like I’d fallen into a vat of radioactive liquid. I did not apply the olive oil concoction to my face. My face is oily enough without me adding to its troubles. In summer months when I lay the sunscreen on extra heavy, I get notices and warnings from Greenpeace and other do-gooders haranguing me about the wildlife that has been injured as a result of my mobile oil slick. I’ve had one or two mosquito bites on my neck but haven’t had to worry about them being so bold as to actually bite my face. Until last night. I woke up this morning with mosquito bites the size of manhole covers on my face. I look like the Elephant Man. Money’s been tight around here lately so I’m keeping an eye on Mr. Dingo. I am not taking his jokes to sell me to a freak show lightly.
But back to my remedy. After the fantastic failure of the Bertolli Oil Peppermint Campaign, Mr. Dingo suggested that I go to Hammacher Schlemmer and pick up one of their indoor/outdoor Natural Attractant Mosquito Traps. It was quite the investment but if it works then you and Mr. Dingo will not have to hear me bitching about the mosquitoes again, I’ll get some sleep and all will be right in Dingo world. If it doesn’t work, I want to return it for The Hydrofoil Water Scooter or the Mechanical Core Muscle Trainer. I don’t have the space or the place to use either, but don’t they look fun?
Posted on Thursday, June 05, 2008 at 12:26 PM.
Tags: Dingo Girl, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
YOU are a VERY funny girl! “Needless to say, Mr. Dingo did not find my Bertolli laden fur coat at all appealing. He can be so picky sometimes.” I’m laughing because, as the mama of four cats, I can SO relate!!!
If you don’t watch yourself, you are going to have men internet stalking you from all these provocative, come hither descriptions of yourself. First the pumpkin head, now oil fur coats? sexy…
Dude, my mom just read some article yesterday that says if you put bowls of Miller Lite around a patio at a party the “stinging insects” will go there instead of to your face. And then they tragically drown. (I don’t know why it specificaly said Miller Lite.) Anyway, maybe if you put bowls of cheap beer around your house it will help!
Mrs. Chili — The hair on my couch actually laughs in face of the lint brush. It mocks me.
sunny — I tried to audition for America’s Next Top Model but they didn’t want anyone who’s head was bigger than Tyra’s.
JR — Falling into a vat of Miller Lite is indeed tragic. Falling into a vat of Amstel Light is another story. I think Mr. Dingo would find me on the terrace face down in the beer if we did that. Although, I’m sure Dingo Girl and Not a Dingo appreciate your efforts to get them drunk by suggesting that I put bowls of beer around the house.
LOL - I hate to say it, but after many years of camping in the Sierras, I’ve heard it all. And the only thing that really seems to work is the stuff with Deet in it. Doesn’t need to be that heavy of a concentration (the one’s selling with 80% deet work just as well as 20%), but it’s the only thing that seems to work.
I don’t know how, I don’t know where, I don’t know when, but someday, I tell you, I must try me one of those hydrofoil water scooters!
Dingo, every time I read your posts, my heart swells. You are such a total crack up. Dog-butt tired? Seriously awesome. We have a saying in my family when it’s really cold. Freezing buttholes. Yes, it’s freezing buttholes outside.
I’m prone to mosquito bites when camping, and GeekH is right - Deet’s the only thing I know that does the trick.
GeekHiker — Deet, huh? I guess it’s a good thing that Mr. Dingo and I aren’t planning on having any kids.
Mel Heth — Mr. Dingo is in awe of what he calls my Dingoisms. I may have to add Freezing Buttholes to my list. Or use it as the name for my punk rock band. Actually, I don’t have a punk rock band but now that I have a name for one...
Valium and cortisone, that’s how I get through mosquito season. Which, if the weather reports are correct, starts tomorrow in the garbage alley of my apartment building.
Thanks, cats, for ripping holes in the screens with your eensy claws I refused to have amputated…
Marian — Is the valium so you just don’t care that they are biting you? Or is it to bring you down after you drive yourself crazy swatting at them?
And I’m sorry, but I’ve seen your cats. They do not move. It’s as if they’ve gotten into your valium. I have a hard time believing they trashed your screens.
I am so sorry to hear about your nighttime exsanguination. Really, thank you for letting me use that word...having a Buffy-language geekout here.
Last week a skeeter helped herself to a liberal dosage of my B+ goodness and I was covered all over my arms with bites, so I have a vague sense of what you’re going throught - but MAN! Every night?
On drugstore.com, they sell something my kids swear by - Natrapel, by Tender Corporation. I send them up to Ontario to camp each summer and they love this stuff, which, if you believe labels, has been “proven as effective as DEET.”
O’Mama — I’m off to order some Natrapel right now. Use exsanguination freely and sprinkle it in everyday conversation. You will impress your friends and frighten your enemies.
I’ve tried everything, but as someone familiar with the tropics, Deet will probably be the thing that kills me. But I’ll be damned if a bug tries!
justrun — I know! I don’t want the bugs to win. They may be faster but I’d like to think that I’m smarter.
I am touched by the outpouring of helpful hints that you have collected, and maybe a little jealous of the attention you’re attracting...but still, I’m a teensy bit confused…
Do you live in the park?
Or in a tent?
How did these bastard mosquitoes acquire an all-access pass to your being?
Tress — I have no idea how all these mosquitoes get into the apt. We have a terrace, though. I think they hang out by the door until I open it and force their way inside. Mr. Dingo never, NEVER, gets bitten. I guess I’m just that sweet.