Disruptive
A few days ago Dingo Girl and I were at our local drug store stocking up on hair gel and conditioner. It’s going to be a humid summer and I want to get a jump on the frizzies. If I can find something to tame these Medusa-like curls before the locker room dampness of June descends upon the city like a sweaty armpit, I’ll be happy. During the winter months, I usually add a touch of honey to my leave-in conditioner. Not only does it make my hair curlier and more defined, but it also smells scrumptious. For obvious reasons, I forgo this at-home remedy during the summer. The last thing I need is a swarm of bees descending upon my head like vampires at a blood bank. It’s going to be difficult enough battling the mosquitoes.
Dingo Girl loves going into this drug store. Actually, she loves going into any store. Fortunately, New York is very dog friendly. Dingo Girl knows exactly which stores have dog treats by the door or behind the counter. We’ve been going to this drug store ever since she was a puppy. The cashiers fawn all over her and make sure she gets the peanut butter flavored treats. On this particular day, a new crop of cashiers was at the front counter. They were taking their sweet ol’ time ringing up the customers because it would have been expecting too much for them to continue their conversation about baby-daddies and broke down ho’s trying to steal their men during their lunch break. I had a basket of hair products in one arm — I added a few bags of jellybeans and a pint of ice cream because gelatin and calcium makes your hair strong. Shut up! They do too! In my other hand I had Cooking Light and Shape.
Dingo Girl was sitting obediently at my feet. When the line didn’t budge for a good ten minutes, she gave an impatient sigh and laid down. As I was flipping through one of the magazines trying to figure out if the “Cooking Without Butter” article was some sort of joke, there was a loud crash, crying, and screaming coming from one of the aisles. Everyone turned. We were greeted by the sight of a woman casually perusing Cover Girl’s new Spring lip glosses as her two children dismantled the store. One imp of Satan child, around four years old, was pelting her sister with what looked like the entire collection of Opi nail polish with the accuracy and speed of a Gatling gun. Bottles smashed into the glass display holding the knock-off perfumes. Bruises were already rising on the other demon’s child’s head and she was crying great gobs of snot as she tried to duck the multi-colored missiles. That didn’t stop her, however, from undoing her diaper and finger-painting a freestanding Neutragena display and floor with her feces. Have I mentioned that all this was occurring as their mother was oohing and aahing over Tickled Pink and Merry Berry? She opened each gloss, applied it to her lips, checked herself in a mirror borrowed from another aisle, wrinkled her nose in disgust, and then put the lip gloss back on the shelf. Yes, back on the shelf. This is why you don’t buy make-up that has been opened.
One of the cashiers finally decided that her co-worker was not going to be able to diagnose her burning, oozing va-jay-jay infection from just a verbal description and, for lack of something better to do, decided to actually do her job. As we watched the disaster that was still continuing in the store (throwing Grecian Formula and feces finger-painting the hair care aisle), Monistat Cashier called out, “Excuse me!” as she came from behind the counter. “Thank god!” I thought. Not only was the yelling giving me a headache, but Fecal Frida was getting closer to the check-out line and the stench of toddler poo was curdling my Ben & Jerry’s. I couldn’t take my eyes off the train wreck in the aisles. “Excuse me!” yelled Monistat who could barely be heard above the caca cacophony ringing throughout the store. Just then, she appeared at my elbow. “Excuse me, m’am, no dogs allowed in the store.” Dingo Girl, who was still lying on the ground, sat up expecting a treat from Monistat. In this store, the approach of a red shirt usually means a tasty treat is about to come her way. I was shocked but managed to maintain my eloquence and charm. “No dogs? Since when?” Now, I realize that this may seem argumentative and when you are yelling to be heard over Annie Oakley and Fecal Frida, it can seem downright obnoxious. But I really didn’t mean it to come out that way. Okay, maybe a little bit. Monistat didn’t answer my question, she just pointed at Dingo Girl who was batting her brown eyes, waiting expectantly for a treat and said, “No dogs. They’re disruptive.” At this point, Annie Oakley was banging her head against the deodorants and Fecal Frida was stomping on boxes of toothpaste. “Okay,” I said as I handed her my basket of goodies and gave a head-nod to the mayhem. “Have fun cleaning that up.” Because I’m real mature.
So now Dingo Girl and I go to a different drug store. She gets her treats from the cashiers and I make sure to get all of my products from the very top shelves.
Posted on Sunday, May 03, 2009 at 08:24 AM.
Tags: City Wildlife, I Hate Shopping, Dingo Girl
no trackbacks
Submit your trackback to http://www.asiwassaying.com/index.php/trackback/138/a5YgMiVY/
- Enjoy this post? Share it with others:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Comments & Trackbacks
Where do I even begin???
First - GROSS!
Second - this should be added to my list of reasons NOT to have children. Because if I did have kids, my wonderfully behaved children would have to be in a world where monsters like these exist.
Third - Yes, I can see how Dingo Girl lying on the floor is quite disruptive and definitely should be banned!
And Fourth - as long as you are balancing out your Ben and Jerry’s with Shape Magazine, the calories don’t count.
p.s. I was so aghast as I read this, my mouth was open the entire time. (and I like that the word verification today is ‘only 35’. That’s right Baby!)
Okay ... so two hellspawned crotchdroppings destroying thousands of dollars in merchandise while Queen Oblivious Mom ponders which lip gloss makes her lips look the best for her sojourn to the club is perfectly fine, but a well-behaved and quiet Dingo Girl is an affront to society and must be banished ....
I know Ms. Darkstar will have lots more to say on this subject so I’ll just shake my head in disgust and be thankful you found a better store. Maybe that store can include in their advertising, “Dingo Girl Friendly! Now HELLSPAWN-FREE!!”
So. Many. Things. Wrong.
The woman putting on makeup? Has she not HEARD of swine flu? Cold Sores?? Basic human decency??? Icky!
Maybe Monistat Cashier needs to use a little honey. Or butter.
I LOVE looking at the picture before I read the story and trying to figure out what’s going to happen. I pondered the baby Frida and poor Dingo girl knocked out cold in the middle of the store and concocted a whole different scenario. As usual, yours was much better.
I made the mistake of taking Betty Boop to the post office yesterday. I only wish I could say she was well behaved. Demon dog of the devil spawn children, more like it.
this is why I have two dogs and zero children.
I knew as soon as Dingo Girl layed down her sleepy head that she was about to get blamed for something. I think these places should change their policies to “We welcome dogs, but please leave small children outside.” And I’ve had small children. I know what I’m talking about.
Ugh. No thank you, NYC drugstores. I prefer Boston drugstores, where at least parents have their children pee OUTSIDE on the sidewalk.
Jules — Everything you said.
Mr. POSSLQ — If I’m running errands to dog-friendly stores, I always take Dingo Girl with me. I haven’t been back to that drug store since. It wasn’t even the “no dogs allowed policy” because I can understand that. Store owners are doing us a favor by allowing us to bring our dogs in — I don’t feel that I’m entitled to take my dog with me wherever I want. It was the no dogs allowed because they’re disruptive lecture while the crotchfruit tore apart the store that really bothered me.
thecoconutdiaries — I’m sure if she used honey, the sticky texture would trap the bacteria and keep it from going any further.
Shania — Ha! That sassy Betty Boop. Did you tell her that you were going to leave her at home the next time if she didn’t learn how to behave or am I the only one that talks to my dog? P.S. I’d love to know what you thought the story was going to be.
Prosy — Yep, a dog and a cat are quite enough for me.
Tress — I can tell from your posts that you would never let your munchkins be so disruptive, even if it meant you had to stop what you were doing and remove them from the store.
nancypearlwannabe — You know, with a Starbucks (or two) on every corner, there’s really no need for anyone of any age to have to use a public sidewalk to relieve themselves.
Please, oh PLEASE, tell me this is an exercise in creative writing, ‘cause DAMN.
That is the most disgusting thing...ugh!
I’ve seen parents let their kids get away with a lot, but nothing this bad.
And then for the store employee to pick on sweet Dingo Girl?! I think not. I’m glad you aren’t going back there!
Where oh where do I begin? I honestly don’t think you want the novella in your blog comments so I’ll say that the day they make and enforce “No Hellspawn” rules will be the happiest day of my life.
I will now be EXTRA vigilant about making sure any products I purchase are SEALED TIGHTLY because the tryin’ on the lipgloss thing grossed me right the heck out.
Silly lil’ Monistat… Was it Dingo Girl’s snoring that was disruptive? You’re more mature than I… I would have trained Dingo Girl to “go” on command and left them another nugget or two to clean up.
So that’s how the swine flu is being spread. Via lip gloss. WTF? Gross.
Disruptive? OMG! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog disrupt an entire store. However, I’ve seen many a 3 year old tear the MF down. I really dislike witnessing bad ass kids in action. It makes me want to jump out from behind a display rack and exercise some badly needed discipline. I have three kids, and we have one rule when leaving our house. Publicly embarrass Mama, and she promises that the rest of your day will be the shittiest day of your life. Promise!
Mrs. Chili — Oh, how I wish my creative writing endeavors were this interesting. All true. Ask Dingo Girl.
Reagan — I think it’s because people are afraid to tell parents that their kids are out of control. The whole “it takes a village” thing only applies when parents want my taxes or money for their child’s endeavors. Somehow, the village borders end abruptly when I want to tell you that your child is the instrument of Satan and needs some discipline.
Ms. Darkstar — I, too, would like some adult only spaces — and not the kind stoogepie would enter. However, in drugstores, parks, shopping malls, etc. all I expect is for parents to make their children act civilized or remove them from the situation. I remember the one and only time I threw a tantrum in a store. My mother put down her purchases, calmly took me out of the store, and...well, let’s just say, that was the last time I threw a tantrum in public.
Summer — Your kids are hilarious! And you are a great mom. I mean that. I really, really can’t imagine any of your boys even trying this with you. And this? “Publicly embarrass Mama, and she promises that the rest of your day will be the shittiest day of your life. Promise!” Pure gold.
I want to go shopping with you. Because Mr. Hot turns a very distinct shade of red when I, erm, remind cashiers that I am not at fault.
We could have a great time together.
i know i’ve said this before but, seriously, how do we live in the same city? do you have a weirdo magnet implanted in you? do i just go to the boring drugstore? not that i want poop-hurtling toddlers anywhere near me…
Ree — I would have loved to have had you with me that day. I think all kinds of things in my head but I seldom say it out loud. Shopping with you would be a blast.
blakspring — I can understand you not running into the crazies all the way out there in the boonies where you live. But with the proliferation of the stroller set in your neck of the woods, I refuse to believe you haven’t been witness to a toddler meltdown.
Some people shouldn’t have children. Others should not work at drug stores or any stores at all. Many people should learn to think logically and give in to reason and who does not like well behaved dogs??
This response is really for Summer - I kind of have that same rule when I take my class anywhere (however I am not allowed to curse at them - that part stinks - as parents will call in and say what a bad teacher I am...). But I do tell them that when we go out of our room, they are representing ME. And I like to look GOOD! 
I have no words. None.
This is why I never buy makeup in drugstores unless it is grossly overpackaged with safety seals and cardboard boxes and tape on both ends of the cardboard box. I care about the environment, but I also care about not getting my pot of lip gloss home and finding someone else’s fingerprint in it.
Obvously it was going to be easier for her to “control” you than the wildebeasts in the aisle...maybe they were even relatives of hers.
First of all, this is hilarious while disturbing at the same time. This is why some people should not reproduce. But I love the fact that you had Cooking Light in tow with Ben and Jerry’s. I always wonder if I look like a freak ordering a Whopper with Cheese and a Diet Coke at BK but you make me feel normal and I love yu for that!!
XOXO - The Accessorista
First of all, EWWWW. Second of all, EWWWW! Just the other day, as the neighboorhood darlings were running around screaming, I was telling my mother I was glad I opted for the ferociously shedding dog over children. Not that any child of mine would be allowed to even THINK about smearing feces all over the place, but still. Ewww.
Marjolein — I can get that some people don’t like dogs no matter how well-behaved. I tend to think those people are emotionally stunted and sadistic serial killers in their spare time, but I get that dogs are not everyone’s cup of tea. There’s the shedding, the walking in 20 degree snow storms, and the occasional romp through the kitchen trash can. I don’t know where I was going with this comment other than to say that people who don’t like well-behaved dogs scare me.
Jules — Question for you. What do you do if you are on a field trip and a student misbehaves?
FreedomFirst — No words are necessary. A widening of the eyes in horror and stunned disbelief are sufficient.
morethananelectrician — Wildebeasts! Hahahah! I like that one.
The Accessorista — I figured with the calories saved by cooking light, I could have a pint teaspoon or two for dessert. My life is full of such contradictions.
Jules — My mother would’ve snatched me bald-headed for carrying on that way.
Holy shit, Dingo, the over-the-shoulder look that nude toddler is giving me almost made me Fecal Freida in my pants.
Too funny.
And fuck you, Monistat. You want disruptive? I’ll show you disruptive…
You have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
Please move to RI. Dingo Girl won’t be allowed in the store, but most people don’t let thier kids paint with shit.
MOST…
I very much like your depiction of Fecal Frida Kahlo. The resemblance is frightening.
It’s because of experiences like this that I don’t even visit drugstores anymore. I only buy from reputable dealers, one-on-one.
Holy freaking crap! (No pun intended, I swear!) Things are just crazy in your neighborhood. All of our drugstores are tame compared to that.
Although, in Mama’s defense, Cover Girl did just come out with a minty lip gloss. It’s fabulous! There’s a tingle of mint with every application!
Holy crap, so glad I read your post today! Made my day, just as I’m getting ready to go the the gastro dr. I’d be heading to a different drugstore too. Don’t blame you one bit. And you weren’t argumentative. I would have been nastier than that. Much.
Monistat Cashier is a hose bag; want me to cut her?
It continually amazes me how you can use words like “caca” and “Monistat” and somehow they come out poetically. Good form!
I have to say the main difference I see in that scenario is the parenting. Clearly you have been a much better parent to Dingo Girl than Ditzy Lipstick Tainter has been to her children. That, and I’m sure Dingo Girl would never fingerpaint with poo.
Seriously?!? My guess is the mom od’d on her Prozac or something. But I’m glad you’re not giving the store any more of your money!
What?! People are crazy.
And I’m sure you’re better at cleaning up after Dingo Girl’s caca than that woman is after her own children.
I do wish I could bring my dog into the store, though. Maybe I should move there.
Hmmm.... I tell them BEFOREHAND what the consequences will be. That way they know if they decide to misbehave what they have chosen as a consequence. Usually it is double what we do back at school. So if the offense is usually a warning, on the trip it will be a recess detention. We don’t usually take the classes on field trips until we’ve had them for awhile, so they know by the time we go that we mean business. Worst case scenario, we’d call the principal to come pick the kid up. Or perhaps the parent. If the situation was really bad. We’ve never had to do that though. Thank goodness.
One of my students (a really good one) told me this year that I am good at “straightening kids up.” I smiled at him. He then went on to say that I definitely straightened him up. Believe me, this child’s WORST thing was on occasion talking when he shouldn’t. BUT I must also say that he has definitely improved his grades over the course of the year and is working much more up to his potential than he was.
But that doesn’t work with every kid. Some kids just don’t care. No matter how many different strategies you use.
saratogajean — Fecal Frida looks like she’s going to step through the screen like that weird child from The Ring, doesn’t she? If you wake up in the middle of the night smeared with poo, don’t blame Ernie or Dexter. It was Fecal Frida.
Crissy — I don’t know. Isn’t RI filled with granola hippies or something? I think they would let their kids paint with natural, organic materials. I’m better off here where such things are an aberration.
stoogepie — If only more people followed your example.
stealthnerd — The lure of minty fresh lip gloss is strong. I know I have been distracted for ours by the pretty colors in the makeup aisle. But I’d rather have this woman let her kids run rampant at the drug store rather than defile my holy city of Sephora.
Mary@Holy Mackerel — I wish you had been with me. I would’ve just stepped back and let you rip them a new one. How come you’re never around when I need you? We need to talk about the one sidedness of this relationship.
Kori — She is a hose bag. Kinda like the hoses you attach to an enema.
Mel Heth — Dingo Girl is such a prima donna. When she poos on our walks she practically runs away from it. So, no. She definitely wouldn’t paw paint with her poo.
April — Nope, they get no more of my money and I’ve bad mouthed them to other dog owners in the area.
justrun — Why do you keep taunting me with “maybe I should move there.” Put up or shut up, babe! Better yet, just move your fanny on out here. You know you want to.
Jules — Hmmm, those are very reasonable solutions but have you tried telling them, “If you act up, I will leave your ass here and some deranged person will find you and you will never be heard from again?” You should use that one next time. Let me know how that works.
Eewww? That is terrible! Actually questioning Dingo Girl’s presence, what was she thinking?
And people wonder why I sometimes talk about moving far, far away from the city…
I was sooooo hoping this was not going to be the ending to this story. Mothers like that drive me soooo mad. Hilarious story though, I confess
My sister tells of a friend of hers who got herpes from trying a lip gloss at the drug store. I’ve never bought without checking safety seals since. Vileness. I’m glad you’ve got a new place that appreciates nice pets. Hopefully they also don’t mind telling dumb parents and their worse kids to shove off.
But really - honey? Honest? I’ll have to try that. I have fly-away fine hair with a fat spiral curl/wave so it loves a good frizz. I tend to put a small squeeze of vaseline hand lotion through it while it’s still damp and that work great.
Really...kid wiped poop everywhere and the mom blanked it? I’d have been mortified and scurried out at the first bang fearing the hard stare of the line at the counter.Red faced, apologizing, admonishing while trying to put everything back. The judging! I can’t handle that kind of judging judgmental staring.
I am always saying that my dogs are better behaved than most children and should be allowed anywhere kids can go! Seriously! My dogs wouldn’t talk during a movie, or scream in the middle of the grocery store. That’s great that there are some stores where dogs are allowed. Up here, it’s pet stores only.
You just explained why I don’t want babies, only dogs. Samson has yet to smear his poo on anything besides my neighbor’s trash can (HE did that - not me, their disgruntled neighbor).
I hadn’t thought of that approach. You make me want to teach college courses. I bet that works with them.
Ewwwwww..
Number one reason there will never be the patter of little feet in my house.
You’re better off where “respected” members of society such as Dingo Girl and yourself are treated in the manner you deserve.
Good Lord. I couldn’t have stayed to watch as long as you did. I just couldn’t.
Tara R. — She obviously wasn’t thinking. She was just going according to the supposed store policy and was unable to think about how to handle a situation that wasn’t listed in the rulebook.
GeekHiker — You know, I grew up in the country (well, at one time it was the country, now it’s a never ending suburb) and if I acted like this, any of the neighbors would’ve swatted my behind with the full blessing of my parents. And then I’d get it when I got home!
Jessica — As the dramedy unfolded, I never suspected it would end with our ejection from the store. But it did, and in my passive-aggressive way, instead of talking to the store manager, I’m venting about it here.
Lyvvie — Eww! Herpes?! That’s enough to make me want to make my own make up. Crush up some berries, slather them over my face and ta-da! Honey is great. I’ll send you an email about my honey concoctions.
Allie —. Exactly! And you know what? On those rare occasions when Dingo Girl decides that she’s going to misbehave in a store, you know what I do? I take her out of the store. Really, how hard is that?
Hillary — You just know that your neighbors think that you did it.
Jules — It works every time. And the ground in the park is very soft because of all the rain. You don’t even need a shovel if you want to get rid of the bodies — if you know what I mean.
Toe — Have you heard this saying? “If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet I’d put shoes on my cat.”
k8 — I think we all kept expecting the mother to take control or the manager to kick them out or something. And it really was enthralling. You couldn’t look away. I tried.
I don’t think I could have waited until Monistat girl rang my purchase. I have very sensitive nose which means gagging at the very first scent and sight of poop if not throw up. You handled it really well. Never buying stuff without protective seal ever!
It will never cease to baffle me what children can get away with in public, however, a dog who is sweet and gentle and minding its own business is not allowed. I don’t buy the whole “Oh it’s just a little kid, it doesn’t know any better” rationalization either. The mother SHOULD know better. Children disgust me. That probably makes me a bad person to say, especially in Ohio I should probably be chased down the street with pitchforks, but I don’t care. Gross.
freetemye — If it had been vomit, I would’ve hurled right there on the floor. I have a sensitive stomach/nose, too. After years and years of babysitting and helping to raise my nieces and nephew, baby poo stinks to high heaven but doesn’t trigger my gag reflex as easily.
MsCatalysta — I can’t wait to hear how you respond to all those people who ask you, “So, when are you going to have children?” Isn’t that an automatic question once you announce your engagement? You know, I get that the store owner may have changed their policy. It’s certainly within their right not to allow dogs. What pissed me off about the whole thing was the in your face hypocrisy.
Dear God! What a damn mess!! Your writing kills me. Do you talk like this? Because if so, holy shit I would be laughing my ass off if I heard it
sara.jane — It was a mess. An absolute mess. If by “talk like this” you mean, do I have a nickname for everyone, the answer is yes. Monistat and Fecal Frida are only the tip of the iceberg.
Ok, what’s wrong with society isn’t the bad hygiene practiced at cosmetic counters but by how stupidly some people parent, creating little hellspawn by allowing them to do whatever disgusting thing they want to. Honestly, those children are behaving in exactly the same way out of their home as they do IN.
But honestly, OH MAN.
Oh my God.
O’Mama — I don’t even want to imagine what the woman’s home looks like.
jane — Word.