Do Jellyfish Eat Oreos?
There’s a reason that there hasn’t been a running post on here in a while. I’m not running anymore the only running you will see on this post from now on are run-on sentences. As much as I loved it, my ankles, knees, and back did not. I’ve had to face the fact that my riding accident ended joint pounding athletics for me. Osteochondral lesions, potential surgery, months of physical therapy, and the thought of unattractive fashion choices among hospital gowns that leave my ass exposed are some of the things that have led me to this difficult decision. And difficult it was. For a while, I convinced myself that I could continue. However, hobbling home after what should have been an easy three-mile run convinced me that grinding my joints to dust would not be in my best interests unless I wanted to spend my life as a jellyfish. As appealing as floating around my apartment consuming everything within reach of my grasping fingers may be, I do not want to end up with my own TLC program, The Jellyfish Woman, sandwiched between showings of The Woman with the Talking Tumor and The Man with Three Brains. That last show is fascinating. As we all know, men usually only have two thinking organs.
I can walk. I can use the elliptical machine. But no running. What has surprised me is how the news that my running days are over has affected me. We’re talking depression, folks. Woe is me and all that shit. I have been cranky, moody, and weepy. Ordinarily I run when the cRazY strikes. But that is no longer an option. So I go for a walk. Well, dye my hair blue and call me Hazel! All I need is a velour tracksuit and a few stories about my home in Boca and I’m all set. As I power walk in the park, runners pass me and I wonder if they think I’m lazy or lack the mental toughness it takes to be a runner. Because I am not lazy. I am a procrastinator. There’s a difference! Laziness is sitting on the couch in the dark because you don’t feel like getting up to turn on the light. Procrastination is . . . well, I’ll tell you later.
Ironically, since I’ve started walking as exercise I’ve lost four pounds. Four pounds! In one week! What the hell? When I was running it would take me weeks to lose four pounds. I like to think that it has something to do with my awareness that consuming a Starbucks Luscious Lemon Tart has greater repercussions on the circumference of my hips now that I’m no longer doing five mile laps in the park. Believe it or not, a pack of Oreos has been sitting in the kitchen sniffling and whining about loneliness for over a week. But I resist, muttering protective spells and making the sign of the food pyramid. Instead of reaching for the chocolaty double-stuffed goodness, I grab an apple.
The Cougar was up visiting last week and helped me stock my kitchen with healthy food. I’ve been cooking healthy meals but grazing snacking sabotages me. I need things that can be prepared quickly and eaten on the go. Or in front of the TV. So The Cougar and I went grocery shopping. “Do you like bananas?” she asked, holding up a yellow crescent-moon shaped object. “Ba-na-na? What mean this thing ‘ba-na-na’?” She was not amused. “Fruit, you need to eat more fruit,” she insisted. Now, I’m no stranger to fruit, I eat the garnish on my frozen alcoholic beverages. But fruit all on its own? With no margarita to accompany it? Who does such a thing? I loaded my cart with apples, grapes, oranges, and berries but put the kibosh on unsweetened fruit cocktail. My idea of a fruit cocktail is a gin soaked olive. Anything else is just obscene.
So, I’ve been walking and reaching for fruit and veggies, leaving the Oreos to whine plaintively on the shelf. I miss running. I miss the endorphins, I miss the zen of breath and body, and I miss the freak parade and my fellow runners , but I think I would miss my joints and cartilage more.
Posted on Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 02:53 AM.
Tags: It's All Relative, Leaps and Pounds, Undomestic Diva
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Comments & Trackbacks
Wise choice!!! Even if it is difficult, I’m glad you are making that choice, since you’ll need that cartilage and stuff later on, you know, like into your 60s and stuff. But I kinda hate your right now. I’ve shifted my diet too, due to that stupid gall bladder thing. But I haven’t lost a pound. So I guess I’ll have to go BACK to walking, like I used to. I had just taken up running....Maybe it’s the running AND the eating that make the weight not come off. Benefits. There are benefits!
I’ve never run a day in my life. Except to the front of the buffet line. But I have the joints (vertebral, anyway) that speak of a life of joint pounding abuse.
I’ve heard it’s addictive, so maybe you’re having withdrawals?
Pounding joints to dust is not a happy thing. I’ve heard that the key is moderation. Learning to do things in moderation, though, is tough.
Is it cheating to throw the fruit into a blender with some ice and rum? Would seem the best of both worlds to me…
Walking can be fun, too! On Sunday I walked Ernie to a bar I’d never been too, played Tiger Woods Wii Golf and drank a Magic Hat #9. It was glorious! No bananas, though.
I’ve never been a runner so I can’t compare, but I see plenty of crazies while walking. I think it’s because, at a leisurely pace, you have more time to stare and really take in the craziness.
I actually just started running after being inspired by a drinking buddy of mine who’s now running in half marathons. My only problem is that I already have the bad knees and I’ve never before felt the need to run w/o threat of not graduating. So for now, I’m in a weird, half-jogging sort of place....
I’ve told you this before, you need to start taking bellydance classes. It’s much better for your body and once you get into the music you get the same zen (plus the endorphins).
I would also suggest belly dancing, or that aerobic striptease video by Carmen Electra. And you can incorporate fruit like bananas into your workout if you like.
You’re missing the best thing about walking instead of running: you can eat while you walk. I see people doing it all the time. I am all about the chocolaty double-stuffed goodness, but I suppose you might be able to eat fruit while you walk if you insist.
Sorry to hear about those damn joints, but glad you’ve found something to get you through!
Even through depression, you still manage to find the funny.
Four pounds?? I’m going to try this walking thing. I haven’t been motivated enough lately to run. Maybe walking will be easier to get going.
I like walking more than running - you actually get to look around you and enjoy the scenery. A wise man (David Duchovny when he was on Sex and the City, to be exact) once pointed out that ‘hiking is walking,’ as well. And hiking can totally give you the endorphin rush that running does. So in theory, you can get the same rush from running as you can from walking - you just have to do it uphill in the mountains.
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad. Mr. W had to stop running awhile ago because of his back and he was really depressed (as was I). But then he bought a shiny new bike and all was right in the world again.
I think you should plan a trip out to CA and Geekhiker can take us “walking” in the woods somewhere cool.
Jules — Cartilage is good. You haven’t lost any weight because you don’t have any to lose. But I love you anyway. Walking is so much easier to fit into my schedule than running so I think that’s another reason why I am losing weight. I get off three or four stops before my destination, I take the stairs, etc. Then, when I do my real walking workout, I only need to go for about thirty or forty minutes.
Shania — Yeah, the whole vertebrae thing sucks. I’m thinking you’ve lived a secret life that you’ve told no one about. To have that kind of wear and tear on your spine, I’m convinced that you were once an extreme sports fanatic.
saratogajean — Who needs bananas when there’s Magic Hat #9? I didn’t know you could get that delightful concoction down there!
stealthnerd — If you are half-jogging in place, that’s called aerobics. You have to wear a flashdance unitard and headband. If you are half-jogging, then good for you! You will be running in 5Ks before you know it!
Marjolein — I am too embarrassed to actually go to a class. The instructor would tell me to swivel my hips and I’d look like I’ve been tasered.
stoogepie — If I’m going to eat while I walk, I want to walk to Cold Stone Creamery and get a Love It sized bowl of Cake Batter ice cream.
April — I know it sounds crazy to be depressed about something like this when there’s so much more angst-inducing things going on, but as your two runners Sylvia and Riley can attest, it’s a good way to clear the head and feel good about yourself. So, I’m going to miss it.
Summer — What’s so funny is that I am actually motivated to walk! I think I’ll be more likely to get out there on a hot day and walk than I would be if I had a five mile run ahead of me.
Mel Heth — A hike sounds great, doesn’t it?! And GeekHiker knows the best places. And maybe Mr. W can introduce me to the world of cycling. And you can introduce me to David Duchovny. You know him, don’t you?
MsDarkstar — Ooops! Sorry, missed this one! I was distracted by trying to take a mental inventory of the frozen fruit in the freezer and the rum on top of the bar. I can’t wait to get home now!
I was going to comment earlier but kept putting it off. I know the one thinking organ on a man (kind of in the middle of his body)...what’s the other one? Sorry to hear you’re missing your running, although I can’t really understand it because I think the last time I ran was in gym class. But it sounds like it was your drug of choice when the crazies attacked and I know how hard it is to do without something like that.
P.S. Feel free to send the lonely Oreos to me.
I tried to run once.
It didn’t work out so good for my knees as they felt like they were going to explode after only about a mile or two.
Try Leslie Sansone’s Walk Strong videos. They’re awesome for rainy days or for days when you can’t even be bothered to put your hair in a ponytail to go out.
Don’t be sad Ms. Dingo. There’s other stuff you can do to make your ass wonderful.
WTF?? Are you insinuating that Chablis (cheap)and peach schnapps are NOT A MAJOR FOOD GROUP? It’s peaches and grapes for god’s sakes!!
Mix the two with peach fresca and you have a healthy smoothie!!!!!
I always feel bad when I walk instead of run the whole 2.5 mi I do 3 times a week but my butt has never looked better. I’m telling you, you might not see it now (or ever, because, well it is the butt, kinda hard to look at full frontal) but in a short time you’ll be able to bounce quarters off that power-walking butt!
No running, no dishwasher, and frizzy hair. I feel for you friend!
My goodness, I had no idea 3 miles was giving you this kind of pain. I’m so sorry! And I totally commend you for knowing when to say when. I should give you Angie’s number as she’s gone through the very same thing lately! She’s actually having knee surgery on Thursday, and hopes to be able to do short (3-4 mile) runs in the future.
And I can’t speak for every runner, but I’m actually envious of walkers a lot of the time.
I know how you feel...my running has been sabatoged by bad knees. No matter how I feel your posts always make me laugh...although when I’m happy I laugh more.
My problem is my feet. No matter the shoes, the stupid stress fracture from last summer did me in. I’m now a walker/elliptical queen, too. However, traveling is plain old SUCKY for the diet. I’d love to lose 4 lbs.
GREAT. My captcha is 52increase. Please tell me that’s NOT an omen.
I prefer walking to running, mainly so I can get a good look at the people who are power walking and laugh into my sleeve at them. That nutty arm-pumping never gets old.
The RA diagnosis ended my running days, that and being able to hear me walking 1/2 a block away… think Rice Krispies… a little creepy really.. Good luck with the power walking and avoiding the Oreos.
Wow, four pounds in a week? I think I’m going to start walking. I can’t run either, my knees are way too bad..damn I’m getting old!
I am a little depressed for you too. I was a runner for my whole life and took about 13 years off. Once I started again, I realized what I was missing. That Marathon did something to my right knee and I have joined the gym and am taking it easier now.
Yeah, I started running and have been introduced to a little thing called “shin splints”. The whole “just ice it. If you stop, it will hurt when you try to run again”. WTF? If I end up grinding my knees to dusk, I plan on rolling it and smoking it
I don’t know why, first thing that popped into my head, but I suggest taking up hiking. Less joint damage, all the fun of panting, er, I mean, zen of breath and body while working your way up a mountain!
I have to say that I miss running so much but I’ve now totally accepted that I just don’t have enough cartilage. I am now with the fucking shin splints so it’s the swimming. I swear I cannot keep up with this failing body and I am exhausted and sick and tired of it
Jules — You’re a procrastinator, too! I’ll send the Oreos to you — tomorrow.
Crissy — I’ll have you know, I can’t stop humming your walking theme song every time I’m out. You are my power walking role model.
Shelley — That sounds like the perfect summer smoothie! I’m going to add it into my breakfast rotation. Nothing like fresh fruit before heading to work! And you know, I think it would count as four or five servings. I’ll tell that to the po-po as I’m breathing into the breathalyzer.
Toe — See the sad state my life has become? What’s next? News that Oreos are fattening?
justrun — Oh no! Yes, send me Angie’s number. And I, as a walker, am envious of the runners. I’m still working through the stage where I want to trip them every time they pass me.
O.G. — You know, with all the knee and ankle problems I’m hearing about lately, I’m doubting this whole intelligent design thing. I’m going to claim manufacturer defect and ask for a refund.
Ree — I didn’t know you weren’t running anymore. I think that your dashing to and from the gates at the various airports definitely counts as exercise. And doesn’t your numerous encounters with gate agents and fellow passengers get your blood boiling? Isn’t that cardio?
flurrious — Yeah, I don’t do that silly arm pumping thing. Mainly because I’m not coordinated enough. I just tend to flail my arms around looking like I’m at a church meeting or something.
Tara R. — When my knee started to make sounds like a rusty nail being pried out of a piece of wood, I knew it was time to stop. When people said, “listen to your body,” I didn’t know they meant it quite so literal.
Queen of Relationships — I’m sure that the four pounds was just one of those introductory rates like the zero interest credit card offers you get in the mail. You know, I lost four pounds right away but I’ll spend the next month trying to drop just an ounce or two.
morethananelectrician — I know it’s useless to tell you to go see a doctor. Just don’t do anymore surgery on yourself, okay? Did the thumbnail incident teach you nothing?
thecoconutdiaries — Sprinkle the dust on some Oreos. Yummy! Or better yet, bake it into some “special” brownies.
GeekHiker — I haven’t been hiking in forever but I loved it. There are quite a few places around here for hiking day trips. I’m going to have to check them out.
Jessica — But swimming is so much better for your joints! Then again, there’s that pesky little swim cap. I think they make one large enough for my head.
Hey, now; don’t dis the walking. I CAN run - I have beautiful form - but I DON’T run. Whatever benefit I may get from it from a cardiovascular standpoint is ENTIRELY negated by the damage I do to my back and hip (both of which have arthritis). It’s just not worth it.
There’s nothing wrong with walking, and anyone who tells you there is can just move along…
Are skittles considered fruit?? Good luck with the healthy diet...I definitely need to jump on that band wagon but chips and dip are just too good!
- The Accessorista
Cartilage, schmartalage. Endorphins rule! Walking works too, though. No fruit in your Gatorade martinis, though! Congrats on the 4 pounds, too!
Have you ever tried taking Glucosamine with MSM? I started taking it for my knees when I started running and I didn’t know it helped until I stopped taking it b/c I wasn’t running anymore b/c of back problems. Yes, I have a lot of problems, but my point is, I noticed when I stopped taking the stuff, my knees snapped, crackled and popped when squatting to pet my pup and they were stiff and sore. I started taking the glucosamine again and the knee pain is dissipating. I am slowly trying to get back into running; I need new orthotics, I have to ice and stretch and warm up properly, but it’s sooo worth it. Well, if I can’t convince you to get back into running (and you know all the benefits), keep up with the walking. My advice is, don’t give up and do a little research on ways to keep running. ps. I look forward to all your posts b/c you are hilarious!
Mrs. Chili — I think I’m going to wear a button when I walk so that anyone who is bothered by my walking can read it without breaking their stride: Mrs. Chili says F.U.
The Accessorista — Skittles are definitely fruit! There’s a burst of high fructose corn syrup artificial fruit flavor in every bite!
Marian — I think the four pound loss is from my missing cartilage. And if I can’t have fruit in my Gatorade martini (you know some bar is going to start serving these now that we’ve come up with the idea) then I’ll just take the martini.
L — Hi, L. Thanks for reading and the advice. What glucosamine do you use? To be honest, I haven’t tried it. I’ve read all kinds of testimonials about how well it works but have never known someone who actually used it and felt the benefits. Can you email me the name of the brand you use? Also, email me pictures of your pup! You know I love dogs!! Oh, I heard that the orthotics made by Superfeet are really good. I haven’t tried them yet, though. You might want to check them out. They’re much cheaper than the ones you get a prescription for from the orthos.
I’m so sorry about your non-running life sentence. :( But it’s seriously better for your joints and I should probably follow suit!
And it’s funny that you mentioned Love Child- I heard it on the radio the other day (beep beep! Here comes grandma!) and finally listened to the lyrics- they’re so cruel!!!
Aw, Lady! I’m sorry!
I had to give up running for years. I also love love loved inline skating. Like to the point where I wished the whole world was paved so I could just skate everywhere. Then I hit a wet leaf while rolling down a hill, broke my tailbone, and decided I needed to consider grown up sport.
I’ve had much luck with wearing Vibram 5 fingers to run, but also know that sometimes not pushing it is the best way to go.
I’ll look into getting a tracksuit as a show of solidarity.
I don’t run. I tried once and I was left by everyone I was running with. Anyway, I enjoyed reading your blog. Your graphics are hilarious!
Reagan — I used a workout tape today and it was lots of fun! I think I’m going to have to fun exploring my other workout options.
Allie — I have inline skates but haven’t worn them in years and years. I am not good enough to wear them on the streets of NYC and Central Park has a small one mile loop that’s filled with runners, walkers, and the horse drawn carriages. I’m afraid to think of the damage I would do. Those Vibram things look interesting! Part of the problem is that I’m so flat-footed, I’m practically concave. I would need orthotics, defeating the whole purpose of the shoe.
freetyme — They left you! They didn’t even leave you with a running buddy? I don’t think it’s because you were slower than an old man driving a Buick, or because you were flailing your arms like you were drowning, or even that you were singing off-key to Hansen on your iPod. I think it was because they were humbled and awed by your untapped Olympic potential. At least that’s what I would’ve told myself if it had happened to me.
Sorry to hear you’re upset about the end of the phase, but let’s face it, the whole more damage than good thing was the dealbreaker. Walking is cool, gentler on joint, non-jellyfishifying, and yeah, you DO get to watch people with slightly more attention.
Good luck with the more healthy choices. Hey, you could do laps IN Whole Foods and watch for crunchy people like me with full carts of organic veggies and meat AND the best organic chocolate ever…
I HATE ba-na-nas. Really, they’re bad for you. I think they cause swine flu.
Love the image...dye my hair blue and call me Hazel. Yup, that pretty much encompasses it.
O’Mama — Whole Foods always makes me hungry! The smell of fresh bread, the dessert aisle. Maybe if I just stick to the produce section. Then again, I can’t see strawberries without wanting to dip them in chocolate.
Here In Franklin — I actually like bananas, but they have to be just barely ripe. And now that I know they cause swine flu, I’m going to avoid them completely!
Mary@HolyMackerel — Hi, Mary! YYou can just picture Hazel and her walking buddy, Gladys, doing laps at the mall, can’t you?
I can’t run becuase my hips are deformed. This hasn’t really affected me since the last time I ran for real was probably in third grade- but I love having a legitmate excuse now.
Sugar absolutely has the biggest impact on weight of anything. Far more than fats (at least the natural ones, like butter and whole milk and pork - yum!), and even more than exercise. So keep dodging those Oreos! They are out to give you that sits-all-day-in-the-office butt. I know - I see their victims people working at the rehab every time we go down there. I didn’t even know butts CAME that big. Wow.
sucks about the running. the elliptical is a good alternative but somehow feels like cheating. and snacks, damn them, my downfall too. thank god the warmer weather brings berries with it. and cherries. yum.
Yeah, I’m with ya. It’s not worth it to have horrible pain...giving up the running was a good thing. I’m not surprised about your weight loss though, I’ve read numerous times that if you up the speed and even include incline that walking is just as beneficial to weight loss. Good for you though 
I just recently put myself back on the fitness wagon...I have to stick with it because right now I feel like a bloated whale who has washed up onto the shore. It sucks.
P.S. I always love your pieced together pictures. Too funny!