Geckos Ruined My Life
I hate geckos. Don’t let those insurance commercials featuring the bug-eyed critter with the charming English accent fool you. Geckos are the devil. They ruined my Olympic dreams. Three years ago I moved to Florida to pursue a half-baked idea my dream to ride horses competitively.
I needed a fresh start, I needed a new challenge, I needed a new interest that would quickly drain every last cent of my divorce settlement and since I can’t drive a stick shift, fast cars and NASCAR were out of the question. So, I turned to horses. The fact that I was starting my pursuit of equestrian glory later in life than the snooty “I was born on a Hermes saddle” crowd did not deter me. The fact that my bank account was so empty that it echoed when I opened my checkbook did not deter me. It went something like, “Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!” Kinda like that creepy clown thing from the Saw movies. And I tell you, trying to survive in the world of competitive horseback riding with little to no money was torture.
It wasn’t even the fact that during my first week of training the gigantic mare I was riding in an elevated ring decided that she just didn’t want me on her back anymore. I was thrown, catapulted, launched a good seven feet outside the fence. And at least six feet down the embankment. Face down in a crumpled heap under the Florida sun, my trainer thought I was dead. I heard her screaming into the phone for 911. I remember thinking, “Oh my goodness, someone’s really hurt!” as I picked my battered and bruised but miraculously unbroken body off the sandy Florida ground. And got back on that damn horse. No, all this I could have overcome. The snootiness, the poverty, the soft tissue injury and torn ligaments that still bother me to this very day (usually at mile two of a six mile run) were mere challenges. It was the geckos. Those damn geckos.
As you can see in this photo below, those damn geckos are everywhere. It ruined one of the few pictures of me on my horse:
Being a city girl I was accustomed to pigeons, squirrels, and even rats the size of subway cars. But my encounters with city wildlife were limited to the outdoors. They did not live constantly underfoot and squish sickeningly under my bare feet if I made a mad dash to the car to let my windows up during one of Florida’s incessant rain storms. The pigeons, squirrels, and rats did not come into my apartment. They did not cling precariously to the screen windows and make chirping noises that kept me awake all night long wondering if they could get inside. Everyone, it seemed, delighted in telling me that it’s not “if” the geckos get inside your apartment, but “when.” These same asshats loved to tell stories about the time they were in the tub, cooking dinner, watching TV, or whatever you do in the safety and comfort of your own home when you are not expecting geckos to drop from the sky when a gecko does just that — drops from the sky. These geckos are evil. You can’t tell me that these fuckers that can cling to the side of buildings with the tenacity of cat hair on black pants suddenly lose all suction as they traipse across your living room ceiling. Oh, no. It’s just one of those gecko practical jokes.
Rats and pigeons do not play practical jokes. They may threaten to CUTCHU if you don’t turn over that crust of bread you are hoarding from lunch, but they are not joking. They mean business so just hand over the bread. Rats and pigeons also do not gross me out by licking their eyeballs. I mean, really, who thought this was a good idea to make a creature with no eyelids and then plop it down in sandy, tropic climes. So, to moisturize and clean their eyes, geckos lick their eyeballs. How is this evidence of intelligent design?
Six months after arriving in Florida I was ready for my first riding competition. I’ll have to tell you more about my riding experience some time. It was incredible. Jumping a fence (and in my case “fence” is used loosely, it was more like a speed bump) is what I imagine it’s like to fly. But this post is about the geckos. Those damn geckos. I was talking on the phone to a friend, preparing a nice, tall glass of good ol’ sweet tea when she asked me about gators. “I’ve only seen one or two gators since I’ve been here,” I said. “But I tell you what, these geckos are everywhere. The first time I see one in my house, I’m packing my bags and I’m outta here.” Those words had barely left my mouth, in fact, they were still making their way through the airwaves and had yet to land with dulcet tones upon my friend’s waiting eardrums when a big-assed gecko darts across the kitchen counter.
Does it try to avoid me? No.
Does it see me and run the other way? No.
What does it do? I’ll tell you what that eyeball-licking lizard did. It ran right up my arm and stuck itself to my cold, refreshing glass of sweet tea. As it was on my way to my mouth. I don’t know whether it was my scream or contact with the wall that shattered the glass but I do know that the Florida Marlins called me the next day asking about signing some kind of contract. Apparently, they’ve never seen anyone throw like that. Sadly, I had to turn them down. I had too much packing to do.
Posted on Monday, July 28, 2008 at 09:08 AM.
Tags: City Wildlife
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Comments & Trackbacks
First of all ‘So, to moisturize and clean their eyes, geckos lick their eyeballs’ made me say “EWWWW!” out loud.
THIS is exactly why I don’t like snakes and cockroaches. I don’t like things that don’t have a healthy fear of humans.
I’m changing insurance companies.
*shudders* Did you have to deal with Palmetto bugs as well? Stepping on one of those barefoot is an equally horrifying experience. The tenacity of bugs and reptiles in the South astounds me and I grew up there.
I’ve never met a gecko, but I have first-hand experience in hating Geico.
thecoconutdiaries — Yeah, if something doesn’t run from me, I’m pretty sure I should be running from it.
Rachel — Believe it or not, I didn’t see a single Palmetto bug while I was down there. Thank goodness! I don’t think I could’ve handled Palmetto bugs and geckos.
Noelle — Ha! You should change insurance based on the stupid caveman commercials if nothing else.
The whole eyeball licking thing is DISGUSTING! I had never really thought about moving to Florida before, but now it has been put on my list of places I will Never EVER live right up there with Thailand (big spiders), bangladesh (no shopping), and Moscow (too cold).
Oh come on, you know you would totally lick your eyeball if you could. I’m surprised you didn’t go into cardiac arrest when that thing ran up you. I think I might have died. And I’m curious - where did it go after you threw the glass?? Did you smoosh him? or throw him out the front door? I would like part II of the story please.
Yeah, geckos suck. They are everywhere in Hawai’i, too. Once I woke up to the feeling of one crawling up my leg, and my instant reaction was to fling it off of me. The next morning, I found it flattened and stuck to my wall. I was grossed out, but I left it there to let those mother fuckers that my sleep was not to be disturbed.
Damn gecko’s… they prevented us all from seeing your pretty face! Li’l bastards.
I dunno, though. I had a place once that was infested with cockroaches. Kind of a toss-up on the disgusting scale, methinks…
Megkathleen — Bangladesh doesn’t have shopping? Who would live in such a place? Don’t they even have a Target?
Mel Heth — I never saw that nasty looking thing again. And I walked around the apartment in a baseball cap. Didn’t want it to drop in my hair. Ew! While I was packing, I made to sure to shake everything out. I didn’t want to bring any of those things back to NYC with me.
saratogajean — Ha! Saratogajean - 1; Gecko - 0!
GeekHiker — Cockroaches. Bleck. But there are traps you can put out and I don’t mind smashing their hard little bodies underneath by big ol’ boots. But Geckos? What can you do about them? Other than body slam them against the wall like saratogajean, I mean?
Okay… ewwww! We don’t have geckos, but we have those huge snakes with legs, skinks… big, brown and ugly. They’re also a lot more shy than your tea drinking lizard.
Tara R. — Ew! I just looked up skinks on Wikipedia. I am going to have nightmares.
I spent 3 years in Florida and never saw an alligator. I did see a few geckos, but they never did anything invasive.
See, I could take the geckos. But those bugs down there in Florida. Oh mah holy hell, no way.
Ha! They are in AZ too, and when T was in grad school out there, I thought I would go crazy with those f-ers walking into the apartment like they owned the place. I caught one under a tupperware once but then I was trapped because I didn’t know what to do from that point. To think of one crawling up my arm makes my toes curl. I’ll have to do a blog post on my centipede tribulations soon. You’ve inspired me.
Memarie Lane — A few geckos? Just a few? Maybe I lived there during a biblical plague or something. Those suckers were everywhere!
Ree — I didn’t see any Palmetto bugs at all! I think I would’ve freaked out. I’ve heard that they hiss at you!
Jane — I had no idea geckos lived in AZ as well. So, did the one you caught under the Tupperwear just stare at you with those nasty no eyelid eyes until you released him? And centipedes? Oh my. Yuck. Double yuck.
Did I neglect to mention that when I moved out I found their egg casings under my bed? Might have forgotten to add that little detail…
Wait.
What?
Hermes makes saddles?
Whoa.
Also, you get more and more interesting the more you share about yourself.
Next you’ll tell us you’re also an Olympic Water Ballet Champion too.
you would’ve looked fierce in a Nascar racing outfit. I’m just saying.
GeekHiker — Egg casings? From cockroaches? Oh man, that’s disgusting.
Crissy — Yep, Hermes makes saddles. Tres expensive! You are definitely paying for the name because there are better riding saddles out there. And nope, no Water Ballet. I can’t swim. Well, I can swim but it would look more like breakdancing rather than ballet.
sunny — Thank you! But all that leather in the Florida heat just sounds sweaty and unappealing.
When we lived in AZ, they would live in our house and eat noisy, invisible crickets, so I was grateful to the little critter. Little I know that they were the bane of one of my favorite bloggers’ existence… Damn their little spittle-slaked eyes!
Have you seen Dark Knight? Not to spoil it for you, but a character in there sure could use that eyeball-licking ability…
eyeball-licking gecko ZOMBIES - what a fab idea for a movie!
Now, about that Hermes saddle...is there a waiting list? Where do I sign up? I think I would just plop it over the couch arm and pretend to ride it in the living room because I’d never be able to afford the horse. But that’s just me.
I don’t get it! How did the gecko get on the picture and ruin it? I hate those things- they’d terrify me as a kid when I’d go visit my grandparents in Florida. My sister used to torture me saying that if you picked them up their tails would fall off! GROSS!
O’Mama — Yes, there is need for both a gecko and Geico in The Dark Night. Okay, so geckos eat crickets but what eats geckos?
Marian — For about $4,000 you can pick up your own used Hermes saddle to use as a conversation piece in your living room. The conversation would go something like this, “Are you out of your mind?!”
MsCatalysta — Oh, you know geckos. They turn up everywhere. And their tails really do fall off if you pick them up and then the gecko will haunt you forever looking for its missing appendage.
I don’t know much about geckos, but if you hate them then I hate them. All for one!
nancypearlwannabe — Thanks, NPW! And if your office isn’t painted by the time classes start, I got your back!
seriously, is there anything you haven’t tried or a job you haven’t done...because that would probably be a short list.
and don’t hate me but i think geckos are pretty cute. though i would not like them crawling all over me.
Oh. My. God. I had total visuals of that scene in The Parent Trap when LaLohan’s evil step-mom-to-be gets a lizard in the mouth. I was laughing and gagging through this entire post. Well done!
blakspring — We have just scratched the surface of my crazy life.
stealthnerd — Thanks for visiting! If that gecko had actually made it to my mouth, I would not be here typing today. I’d be in a strait-jacket somewhere babbling senselessly.
That’s disgusting. I hate geckos now too. Death to the geckos and Geico for that matter. 
I just added you to my blogroll because you are a new favorite blog of mine. Thanks for being pretty awesome.
Ms Catalysta — Thanks! I’m glad you like my blog. As for geckos and Geico, the two were made for each other. From what I hear, Geico is a pain in the ass as well.
So, how was the photo actually ruined? Was there a gecko on the lens or what?
Once my brother caught one and accidentally ripped it’s tail off. Then I went to touch it and the damn thing bit me. Yep chomped my finger so hard it bled… Ugh those damn geckos!
hilarious post. so glad you commented on my site since i was introduced to yours! care to trade links, love?
DirtyLaundryDiva — It bit you! It BIT you! Did you have to get a shot or anything? Is there a gecko vaccine? Nasty.
Cupcakes and Cashmere — I love your site! Thanks for visiting mine!
Wowee, you are full of surprises! What else is lurking back there in your past life? Were you ever a game show host?
Also, in your list of city critters, you failed to include those mysteriously rampant mosquitoes of yours…
Wow! What an experience. And how very brave of you (I feel like that’s an understatement!) to do something like that in the first place!
I actually considered getting a gekko as a pet a while back… until I found out you need to feed them live cockroaches.. ew.
Tress — I so wanted to be Vanna White when I was younger! How did you know?
Zandria — Brave would’ve been to confront that gecko. But I was in a hurry to leave Florida before hurricane season was in full swing.
Marjolein — Yuck. Even though I am not a fan of cockroaches, I just couldn’t have a pet that had to eat live things. Is there a place that even sells cockroaches or would you have to leave bread and cookies on the kitchen counter as bait?