How ’Bout ’Dem Apples!
Sometimes I think I can change the world. Sometimes I think that I can do something that makes a difference. I usually feel this way when I’m listening to the Broadway soundtrack to Hair. I get pumped. I look up volunteer positions, I make sure I’m getting Rachel Maddow’s tweets and then…and then, I just get deflated. It’s overwhelming. Bailout. Homelessness. Domestic Violence. Illiteracy. Animal Abuse. Natural Disaster Relief. Fashion Policing and Passing Judgment on Tourists. There’s so much to be done and I can’t even remember to change Not a Dingo’s litter box with any regularity. And then sometimes I feel that the best thing I can do is to bolster the economy by ordering another Venti Earl Grey and slice of pound cake from the grumpy Starbucks barista. And no, I’m not putting a tip in the tip jar.
Really, who does that? You know when I put a tip in the Starbucks tip jar? When the whole bean coffee Mr. Dingo drinks isn’t on the shelf and someone runs to the back to get some for me. Not when someone puts a tea bag in a cup of hot water. Excuse me, isn’t that your job? You want me to tip you for doing your job? Now, don’t get me wrong. I am definitely in the overtipper category. Waiters, hairdressers, delivery people, and cab drivers love me. These are all people who tend to go above their job description to make my interaction with them the best it can be. Refills before I ask, squeezing me into an appointment at the last minute, delivering my pizza so that it’s hot and right side up keeping the cheese on the pizza and not sticking to the cardboard box, seeing me waving frantically in the pouring rain and pulling over to haul me and a soaking Dingo Girl to a vet appointment uptown — those things get tips. Big tips. But, no, grumpy barista, you are not getting a tip from me for simply turning from the cash register to the hot water spout and dropping in a tea bag.
But lately, I have had to change my grumpy barista tipping policy. You see, I’ve become one of those people. You know the people I mean, the people you see sitting in Starbucks for hours at a time typing away on laptops or scribbling furiously in a wire-ringed notebook. I always asked myself, “Don’t they have an office or at least a dining room table to work from! Who comes to Starbucks to work?” People like me, that’s who. People who can’t see their desk for all the crap piled on top of it. People like me who cannot shut out the catcalls and running commentary on my poor housekeeping skills from the dishes in the kitchen and laundry on the floor. And the mold in the bathtub shooting dice with the soap scum? They taunt me. Oh, how they taunt me.
You know who else works at Starbucks? People who can’t type a complete sentence without Not a Dingo walking all over the keyboard on her way to the mouse. The mouse she then chooses to sleep on only to wake up when I try to slide my hand under her dingleberried butt to do a cut and paste. And waking her up means that I must want to pet her, right? So she makes sure she stays within arms reach by sitting in front of the monitor. 9999999999999999999999999999 (okay, that was from Not a Dingo walking on the 8888888888888 keyboard and I’m too lazy to delete it).
And then there’s Dingo Girl. Dingo Girl who loves her mama so much that she must sit and whine at her mama’s feet for attention. If whining doesn’t work, she’s sure that pawing at my arm will. Or maybe licking my feet. Put shoes on and she licks my leg. Put on jeans studded with cactus tines and she stands on her hind feet to lick my face. There’s so much love at Casa Dingo. Love is killing me. Hey! I think that’s a great title for a new Lifetime Movie.
*announcer voice*
One woman. Two fur-kids. She’s slowly losing her mind. Is the descent into madness a sadistic plan by the four-legged critters or is this woman simply unable to love?
Starring Melissa Gilbert, Garfield, and that dog from the Taco Bell commercials.
*end announcer voice*
Really, go set your Tivos. I’m sure that my screenplay is going to be picked up by Jane Campion or Sofia Coppola any day now.
I could go into the office to work but I share an office with about a gabillion other adjuncts. It’s less of an office and more like detention from The Breakfast Club. No one really goes there to work. It’s a place to go to commiserate about The Man and hand out leftover homemade cupcakes. Here’s how my attempt to work in the office went late last week,
Me: (going to my desk and taking out a six inch pile of papers and notebooks)
Co-Irker #1: Talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk…My daughter had her dance recital. Talktalktalktalktalk…living room…talktalktalktalktalk…Peru…talktalktalk..ha!ha!ha!...cupcakes!
Co-Irker#2: Slurp! Chomp! Chomp! Slurp! Click! Click! Click! Slurp!
Apparently Co-Irker#2 needs to get his dentures fixed. He brought in an apple and proceeded to grind it to applesauce with ill-fitting dentures. He couldn’t bite the apple like a normal person. Instead, he would slurp the apple creating a suction of saliva and spittle that softened the peel allowing him to chomp into the crunchy flesh. Of course the saliva made the apple a little slippery. His mouth would lose suction and he’d have to do the slurping thing again. Then, his dentures would shift and protrude from his mouth like the creature from Aliens. They’d chatter together with a clicking sound as he masticated the poor fruit and then the cycle would start all over again.
So, I’ve ended up at Starbucks. And the past two weeks have been more productive than any day I’ve had in the past two years. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner! The only down side is not having internet access. I mean, they have it but I’m not about to pay ten bucks for it. Hmmm, could the lack of internet access have something to do with my productivity. Nah, that’s just too silly to believe. And oh, Innernetz, the people who come to Starbucks are a strange lot. I have some stories for you. But those are for another day.
What I want to tell you is that I tip at Starbucks now. I tip a lot. Hell, it’s more like I’m paying rent. I’m not tipping for my hot water and tea bag. I’m tipping for a place to work, a place to think, and a place to people-watch and be highly entertained. I love you Virginia Woolf, but you didn’t need a room of your own. You needed a Starbucks.
Posted on Sunday, March 22, 2009 at 08:06 PM.
Tags: It's off to work we go, Dingo Girl, Little Red Schoolhouse, Not a Dingo, Oh the Horror!, Undomestic Diva
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Comments & Trackbacks
Which Starbucks do you go to? I’ll come by and disrupt all that industrious productivity!
I deeply long for the ability to live somewhere that I could have a real home office. Someplace that had no other purpose. It doesn’t need to be huge, but it needs to be away from the rest of what goes on.
I don’t have a lappy… so Starbucks ends up not working well for me. So, for me step 1 is make enough money freelancing to afford a lappy… which requires me to be somewhere I can be productive… *giggle
I absolutely LOVE reading your posts! You have this way of phrasing things that cracks my shit UP!!
“And the mold in the bathtub shooting dice with the soap scum?” ???
PURE BRILLIANCE!!!!
The more of your posts I read, the more I think you and I are cut from the same cloth. I, too, am NOT a born-to-clean kind of girl who hates open-mouth-chewers and chattypants coworkers; and has pish-poshed “those” loitering-people at Starbucks while scowling at strategically placed tip jars....
CAN YOU IMAGINE the hell I would catch if I placed a tip jar on my desk??!?!? I’m pretty sure I would be on the front page of the startlegram in all of my money-grubbing glory!!
Keep preachin’ the truth, my East-Coast sistah....
I can so picture the mold and soap scum huddled around a stack of dirty dollar bills and dice. You’re a crack up.
I worked at a coffeehouse in college and there were lots of people like you who would come linger and work. I, too, wondered “don’t you people have real jobs?!” But it gave me a variety of characters to chat with throughout the day, so it was actually quite fun. And tipping...you don’t need to worry. If Starbucks is anything like the place I worked, the baristas will do just fine without your laundry quarters. There’s this great technique called Emptying The Tip Jar So People Feel Sorry For Us. I’m sure they do that every third hour.
They make you PAY for internet access? You should find a hotel. And I also love the way you phrase things! I can’t work at work either. We gripe too much (other people especially). And I find the information about Co-Irker#2 quite disturbing. Why do people feel the need to share such information???? Gross!
sunnyd — Oh, you know, that one on the corner. By the streelight? With the trashcan out front? Yeah, that’s the one.
MsDarkstar — I drool over the home offices I see on the interior design blogs I visit. I have a severe case of office envy. You should see if your new job loans laptops to their employees.
Ms. H — Open-mouth-chewers and chattypants co-workers drive me nuts. I do love myself a clean apartment though. I can’t think when my desk and home office area is a mess but my to-do list can circle the earth twice so something has to give. It’s usually the apartment. Maybe I can set up a tip jar at Starbucks?! I wonder if I could make enough money to hire a housekeeper!
Mel Heth — I’m happy to know that the baristas are not going hungry because I didn’t tip them for my cup of tea. Cold Stone Creamery workers used to sing a little ditty after you left a tip. I loved that! I think it would be a bit distracting to have Starbucks baristas bursting into song every three minutes though.
Jules — Yep, you have to pay for internet access. Most libraries have free internet access but I have found that during the day, it’s filled with toddlers and pre-schoolers running rampant and wreaking havoc. I think librarians should have tip jars!
Don’t you think people should tip us for our jobs? I wonder how much extra cash I’d get if every parent threw in a dollar for every time I had to chase their kid down to get back a book.
I used to be the same way about tipping at retail counters. Until I applied for a job where they had that little jar, and was told that I shouldn’t give them that look of disbelief over the minimum-wage pay, because after all, “you get to split the tips from the jar with the other employees.” HA! Thanks, but NO THANKS! Ever since then, I tip a dollar every time I have one. Hey, the poor people have to drive to work. And Lord knows they can’t afford gas on a minimum wage salary in THIS economy!
oh the joyful distractions of home...and yes, internet is the main culprit...off to the piano I go then
No need to even tell you that I completely understand. I have three kids and a husband. My life is one big distraction.
I know exactly how you feel. I try to sit at my computer to get stuff done and it’s either Alice wanting to go out or my kid standing next to me going “mommy. mommy. mommy. mommy. MOMMY!!!!” or my husband yelling to me from two flights up and me yelling “WHAT?” and I can’t get a thing done. I can’t even complete a thought and so I come to work and I have to listen to my co-irker blather on and on about her daughter’s science fair project.
WTF????
I need to go to Starbuck’s.
I wish we had starbucks in NL or any decent cafés nearby where I could escape from distractions…
I have to say that the Starbucks in the city do tend to house the crazies. This weekend alone I witnessed a bathroom brawl while there.
Ew. I am so glad I ate lunch before reading the bit about the ill-fitting dentures.Gah-ross.
I could NEVER study in my dorm room. The mess and the laundry and the books and the music. I couldn’t CONCENTRATE they were screaming at me so loud.
I’m so jealous. I’ve always wanted to BE one of those people hanging out at Starbucks all day long. Not necessarily working, just being, people-watching...Enjoy!
Happily, I don’t have this problem. My kids go to school, and my cats are too old and lazy to present a distraction to me as I (cough) work (yeah, sure! Cough!) on my computer. It’s a good thing, too, because I figured out a while ago that for the price of ONE cup of tea at the local Starbuck’s or Panera, I can afford a WHOLE BOX of teabags at the market, and the cheap Cranky Yankee part of my personality makes her presence loudly known.
I tried writing at a Starbucks once. Couldn’t do it. Why? Because I couldn’t concentrate over the annoying-music-played-at-way-too-high-a-volume-for-a-coffee-shop thing. Oy.
Now, I am not sure if you really want to know this-- since not having internet access makes you more productive-- but if you have a gift card that you keep reloading, you can register it online and get 2 hours of free wi-fi whenever you are there. Cause I sure ain’t payin’ $10 for the hour that I go there to work (i.e. tell my husband I am working when really I just want uninterrupted blog and twitter time and then I waste it all people watching.) 
Oh, hell, have I missed you!
WAIT???? THEY CHARGE TEN DOLLARS FOR STARBUCKS WII FII????
Damn!
NPW — You are woefully underpaid for your job. If you don’t get tips, I strongly urge you to solicit bribes.
FreedomFirst — I think that employers should be made to pay a living wage. I don’t think that we should be forced to make up for their miserliness. As soon as Michelle returns my phone calls, I’m going to see if she can talk to Obama about it.
rosie — Piano practice versus internet time? Can’t you just pretend that typing on the keyboard is exercise to keep your fingers limber?
Summer — Get thee to a Starbucks!
Crissy — Put hubby on kid and doggie duty (hee, hee doggie doodie!) and lock the door! Let me know how that works out for you.
Marjolein — Although I’ve never been to your neck of the woods, when I was in London years ago, there were cybercafes all over the place. I imagine they’ve been replaced by shops with WiFi access. Can it be only us Americans who have an unhealthy attachment to the Internet?
stealthnerd — The crazies were out in full force today. It’s definitely been a blogworthy day.
Marian — I wasn’t eating lunch at the time and it was grossing me out just to hear/watch him.
k8 — I didn’t have a roommate so studying in my room was great. And my room was spotless. Not only was I a clean freak but rearranging the dorm room was a great procrastination project.
April — The people-watching is definitely entertaining. I take breaks every now and then and just watch the ebb and flow of humanity.
Mrs. Chili — But I get free refills! Free! And when the mood stikes (often) a Rice Krispie treat without having to dirty up my kitchen.
GeekHiker — I love the music this Starbucks plays. It’s been a day of Dean Martin, Dinah Shore, Etta James, Ella Fitgerald, etc. Love it!
Lisa — You are evil. Pure evil. And pure genius. I’m going to look into that the next time I’m there! An evil genius is what you are.
Kori — Hi Girl! I’ve missed you too! Now that Lisa (see above) has revealed plan Evil Distraction, I may be around more often.
Twinkie — Hi! I love your bloggy name. It made me lick the screen. The last time I checked it was something like ten bucks a day or something equally outrageous. I’m going to have to check out the whole Starbucks card and two free hours thing that Lisa mentioned. Going all day without internet is more than this Dingo can bear.
maybe try a non-starbucks cafe place. those sometimes have free wi-fi just for ordering something. when i was on vacation in seattle there was a cute little place with great bagels and they would give you the password with your purchase. hopefully that wasn’t just a west coast thing.
and just when i thought i couldn’t love you more, you say that librarians should have a tip jar. my heart just skipped a beat.
Yup. I’m one of those weird people too. I’ve been with my dad to Starbucks to borrow the internet and order my computer and all the stuff I got with it. Yeah, we couldn’t go home to do that. We’re Starbucks people. Haha. Apparently the apple website is free because we didn’t have to pay. I cheat like that.
Off-topic but as I’m typing this there was a commercial and now I’m itching to go to Six Flags Magic Mountain. Gah!
I’ve thought about opening up my house to MORE freeloaders who want free wireless, but then I heard Mr. Hot eating celery with peanut butter on it CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH while I was attempting to do taxes.
Much worse than the Dingo kids. 
I do not tip at Starbucks, either. But I did feel guilty about not tipping when I paid in cash so I got a gift card and now use that and refill it just so I don’t have that awkward moment with the cashier of “no, you’re not getting my sixty-three cents in change.”
As for getting work done there, I am always so distracted. I can imagine that would happen even more so in your city, because my gosh that is phenomenal people watching.
blakspring — Librarians should definitely have a tip jar! But like I told NPW, if that doesn’t work, definitely solicit bribes? Want your name to go to the top of the reserve list for a certain books? $25. Want me to forget that you lost a book? $25. I’m telling you, you’re sitting on a gold mine!
Kazuki — I love my new Starbucks office. It’s spacious, light, and the music is great. It’s quiet enough to work (usually) and just noisy enough that you do not go crazy from the silence.
Ree — We should get him together with my Alien apple eater. And then shoot them.
justrun — For some reason I am definitely able to focus. Then again, my Starbucks is not in a prime people-watching place like the Village or SoHo. I bet I would never get anything done if I were in a coffee shop in those places!
Starbucks is still a happening place, huh? By the time they build things around here, they are usually over with in the rest of the country, so I figured the arrival of half a dozen free standing (read: not in a Barnes and Noble) Starbucks a few years ago meant it wasn’t cool to hang out there anymore. Well, good for you, if you can actually get anything done in that ruckus!
Oh my goodness! Today, Stels, Argo, and the cat almost drove me to Starbucks or the library. I have a phone call today at 4 and that’s the only reason I didn’t go. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I feel ridiculous for it b/c it’s not like I have kids at home. You just legitimized my need and I love you dearly for it. Thank you.
Tress — I’m sure the hip people hang out someplace else. I, however, am not hip. So they haven’t told me about it.
Allie — I know, I know! The shame of being driven from your home by your own pets!
Ha ha! I’m like you; I get a wild idea and motivation to save the world and then look around and realize I can’t even keep my house clean. Maybe we’d be better at saving the world than cleaning, though. And we’d win the Nobel Peace Prize and then we could afford to have someone clean our houses. Then we could sit around and feel guilty for making someone else clean up after us. Sigh. I’m going to go take a nap.
Hey there:
Starbucks in L.A. all have free internet service. ARe you sure yours doesn’t? Also, I tip when I hang out there too b/c I know i"m taking up a table and I guess I consider my money to ‘rent’ the space for the day.
And yes, I do think you were probably more productive b/c you had no access so perhaps I should have shut my big Wango and not told you....sorry
Jules — I think you may be right. Instead of channeling our energies into a never ending cycle of cleaning, we should be using those energies to save the world. I’m only half-kidding.
jessica — You West Coasters have everything! Sun, surf, free internet! I did discover through Evil Lisa that I get two free hours a day at Starbucks. Two! I suppose putting a time limit on my internet usage will help productivity.
So YOU’RE one of those Starbucks people!! Well, now that I know they have SO. MANY. REASONS! to be living there, I will be a little less Judgey McJudgeykins. Or, I’ll at least try.
And quite the analysis of the apple chomper. Is this guy old? It made me very sad to imagine his ill-fitting dentures. :(
And here’s the link to Gloria tellin’ us to do something! Anything! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s7sSQ2EYAc
Ok I’ve been warned. However! I don’t really want a shiny vampire to save me. I’d much rather Marius, Lestat, or Maharet come whisk me away to the ultimate night life thank you very much. I didn’t say it was my favorite. I just said I was a fan. Oh yeah and I’m now going to minor in theatre arts. Go me! I’m planning it out in a week. I can’t wait to maybe audition for stuff and perhaps do an actual show or two soon. Awesome! 8D
They don’t have many cybercafes here in NL, it’s quite different from the UK here in that respect. Plus, I only have a dekstop computer and my phone doesn’t have wifi, so it would be a bit of struggle anyway.
What a post!! (Just Run sent me) I wonder how many people actually use their internet service as there are so many other places that don’t charge… but what a wonderful place to people watch without the distractions of work or furry friends.
Reagan — Yes, apple chomper is old. He’s so old that if he’s silent for more than 30 seconds I start to worry that he’s “shuffled off this mortal coil.”
Kazuki — Theater arts! I was really planning on you being a big movie star but if you want to go the Broadway route, that’s fine with me. After all, it’s all about you. And what you can do for me.
Marjolein — If you dragged your laptop into a coffeshop, I think you would be the one people were watching.
The Exception — Hi! Thanks for stopping by. Most of the people I spy on happen to see using their computers are on the internet. They’re not diligent and industrious like me. Slackers.
Can’t wait to hear the people watching stories!
Our Starbucks is too small to just hang out in, it’s spilled out to the covered walkway of the shopping center where people stare at you while you drive by. Kind of creepy, them sitting there sipping their mocha-latte grandes and inhaling exahust fumes.
Toe — You’d think that they’d put out a tip jar and use the moola to expand the seating area.