How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Two weeks ago The Cougar and I were supposed to take a trapeze class at the Trapeze School of New York. I was excited. I had my trapeze outfit all planned out. Mom was going to go with boring black tights and a t-shirt but I wanted more pizzazz. After searching high and low I found what I was looking for. Pink tights, pink top. I stopped at sequins. Believe me, Innernetz, it was an exercise in self-restraint. The sequins may have been a bit much and I didn’t want to intimidate all the other novices with my innate trapeze fashion sense. I also thought that showing up in pink sequined tights would make me look like a plump, pink caterpillar larva as I twisted in the wind on my tiny little trapeze branch. But alas, this caterpillar never had a chance to become a butterfly. The morning that The Cougar was to catch the train I received a call from my aunt. The Cougar had fallen and couldn’t get up. Actually, once she regained consciousness she did get up, but she’d missed her train. How did she fall, you ask? Let’s just say that FUCKED runs in the family. So instead of The Cougar coming here, I went there to pamper her and make her feel guilty for ruining my big summer event. Although I didn’t get to fly through the air in Cirque du Soleil splendor, the past two weeks have definitely been one of those circus clown cars. Just when I think I can’t shove another thing onto my To Do list, I shove another thing on my To Do list. Not only are things getting jammed packed in here, it’s also starting to smell like feet. Nasty ol’ clown feet.
When I visit The Cougar I turn into Dingo Do-It-Yourselfer. At home, when something breaks, I take to my bed in a fit of vapors until Caesar, our landlord, can come make things right. At The Cougar’s, however, I am Dingo! Hear me bark! Seriously folks, while I was there I fixed a toilet, washing machine, garage door opener, printer, and barbecue grill. I was at Lowe’s and Home Depot so often that I parked in the handicapped parking and no one said a word. They just waved their canes and walkers at me in a show of support.
Unlike the home improvement stores here, where us city folk sort through paint chips with names like Frappe and Wasabi, debate the merits of low flush toilets, and compare the Krups and Braun espresso machines to the ones we can buy at Starbucks, the stores near The Cougar have power tools! Nail guns! Chain saws! Orbital sanders! Other thingys I don’t know the names of! It’s all very manly and testosterone hangs in the air like pepper spray at a WTO protest.
I found the staff and customers at these everyman country clubs to be very condescending helpful. And confused, possibly even offended, when I politely told them to fuck off rejected their help. I had Mr. Google to assist me. Mr. Google is very informative and doesn’t insinuate that his help can be obtained in exchange for sexual favors. He also doesn’t flash his hairy ass crack. Ass crack man, if you are going to let your ass locks fly free you should at least trim your split ends.
In addition to home improvement projects, I dispensed relationship advice to The Cougar. It’s time she got over The Jackass and found herself a boy toy. The Cougar is having none of it, however. Forty years of marriage to The Jackass was quite enough, thankyouverymuch. Then again, I don’t think I’d ever find anyone deserving of her. How do you find someone for a woman who spends the majority of her time caring for ill and injured church members, is on the hospitality committee of her church, sings in the choir, leads the teen youth group, works in the nursery every other Sunday, volunteers at Vacation Bible School, and is the go-to person for all the fucked up kids in the neighborhood? And she does all of this without a Kindness Card. I call bullshit on that. If I’m going to mentor juvenile delinquents, I want some damn Oreos. Hey! Come to think of it, she’d be the perfect date for Jesus! He could come pick her up in a pimped out chariot and whisk her to dinner. I have a feeling that Jesus would be a cheap date. They’d probably end up at some loaves and fishes buffet. Word of advice mom, avoid the Communion Special and stay away from the apple pie! Actually, I would think that the Holy Mack Daddy is too busy with all the stuff in Iran and Darfur to actually date. Then again, it’s such a royal clusterfuck over there who knows what the hell he’s doing these days. Maybe he’s hiking in the Appalachians or visiting Argentina.
So, there you have it. Between cursing at appliances and blasphemy, I have been a busy little Dingo. Oh sure, I may end up in hell, but I’ll install one heck of a sprinkler system.
Posted on Wednesday, July 01, 2009 at 11:03 PM.
Tags: It's All Relative, I Hate Shopping, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
Wow, good job on the DIY work! It’s a shame you don’t get to fly through the air; aren’t there any others days you can have trapeze lessons?
I always find DIY stores to confusing when it comes to their lay-out. I want clear signs pointing me in the direction where I need to go. And the employees who just pass you by because you’re a girl, which implies you must be there with a man who’s going to do the DIY so why should they help you. Ugh. Although I have to say when we bought the new blinds yesterday the guy at the service desk did call 4 other stores in our area to see if they had the size we needed and could they keep them separate for us. It took him about 20 minutes.
oooo I wish I was brave enough to try the flying trapeze. I actually went to the website and had visions of myself flying through the air. However I can’t even jump off the diving board!
Since my husband works at Lowe’s I will have to keep quiet on the subject.
I am glad you have slowed down a little to post !
I thought you said *you* fixed the washing machine? Clearly, that is a monkey.
Nice try, Dingo, but I’m on to you.
However, I am adding “take trapeze lessons with Dingo” to my to do list, and just so you know--there will be sequins. Possibly glued to my face and/or ass crack.
Were you at the Home Depot by MY house??? I think I know the hairy ass crack man who gives out his, um, wisdom....
If I fall, will you come to MY house??? I have “things” you can do.
And think about it. If the Cougar DID date Jesus, you’d ALWAYS have wine!
And I think you should wear your new pink outfit the next time you go to the post office or Starbucks. THEN see what happens.
I’m glad the momma cougar is ok!
What an awesome daughter you are! Fixing shit and whatnot. I totally agree with Jules the wine would floweth (not a word-- I know).
Word verification: would87
So what are you going to do with your pink outfit NOW?
I’m glad things went well for you and I’m glad the Cougar is doing better. It does kind of suck that you had to miss trapeze school.
I suppose that the reason we would rather do home improvement or repair projects at someone else’s house rather than at our own is that we don’t have to live with the results should they turn out less than optimal. Still, I’m very glad it all worked out for you.
I’m glad the Cougar is doing better. The other thing about the Jesus date - guessing that there’s an age difference, she could truly live up to her name…
Maybe you should lend her that pink outfit. And add some sequins.
BTW… haven’t made it to NYC and may not in the near future. Bummer.
I had a really hard time reading past the blinking PIZZAZZ. It was mesmerizing. So are you and the Cougar going to reschedule your trapeze date? I think that’s a must.
I go to those home improvement places and I’m like a deer in headlights. I look around me and all I can think is, “I need to go to Bloomingdales now, I think my BP is too low”
Get the Cougar the Life Alert. Really, some people think it’s corny but up here in Ittybitty town it is a retirement community and my guys get called on life alerts all the time. I got one for Grams and I feel a lot better (she’s single too).
And I’m really bummed we were not regaled with kookomamy stories of a flipping Dingo. That would have been hilarious. You MUST reschedule that appointment.
Marjolein — I’m going to sign up for another trapeze class as soon if it would ever stop raining!
mccgood — I’m sure that you would not let your hubby go to work with his ass crack showing. Would you? Because that’s just wrong.
saratogajean — Damn! I can’t slip anything past you, can I? Yes, that is a monkey. He actually did all the work, after all, it was his wrench.
Jules — You KNOW that if you fall where I can see you, I will record it and put it on youtube.
Shania — Me too! It was one of those freak accidents but she’s okay—black, blue, yellow, and green bruises, but okay.
Summer — Jesus would totally rock as a step-dad. Water to wine, smiting my enemies and all that stuff!
Kori — I haven’t abandoned my trapeze hopes. I will wear my outfit and it will be marvelous.
Mr. POSSLQ — There is definitely satisfaction in doing something yourself. I have to admit when I turned the washing machine on, I stood by with a bucket and mop just in case all did not go according to Mr. Google’s plan.
Jen of a2eatwrite — Was it all the talk of FUCKED and my tendency to be a walking disaster that scared you away from my fair city?
Mel Heth — The blinking pizzazz is the only way I could convey the true awesomeness of my outfit.
Jessica — The home section at Bloomindales is much more user friendly than the plumbing section of Home Depot.
Toe — The Cougar would snatch me bald-headed if I got her the Life Alert. At 63, she’s still a youngun’, just a bit klutzy and kookomamy.
Oh, I have so missed reading your posts. And I was going to suggest Jesus, then you did. So now I’m thinking Ghandi. But wait, he’s dead, right? Fuck. That won’t work.
Can I call you next time we have to install a door?
Shit! Can you reschedule the trapeze thing? You have the coolest mother ever (besides mine of course) for all of her do-gooding, yes, but mainly because she was all ready to fly around on a trapeze with you!
Okay, “fit of vapors?” HA! Hahahahahahaha!
Also, I would like to do the trapeze class/lesson/course with you! Serious. I would also like it if your mother was along. 
Ree — The next time you have to install a door I’m going to bring a video camera to record you and Mr. Hot installing it - not that your diagrams weren’t hilarious, but I want to get your faces on camera when you realize that it was installed inside out.
Harna — She is pretty cool. Not only does she want to go on the trapeze, she also wants to go skydiving. That’s where I draw the line. I am not jumping out of a plane.
justrun — We should have a blogger meet up in NYC and go to trapeze class. Serious. How soon can you get here.
Hey!!! Why don’t you bring those sprinkler system skills to my house? We could fix the damage the construction folks did when they demo’d my pool...doesn’t that sound like fun?!?!
I think we should work this whole Jesus is My Stepdad thing. Besides having a great t-shirt, look at all the free seating you get at the circus! No weirdos sitting RIGHTNEXT to you. Plus, I’d bet you’d never have to wait in line anywhere, ever. He’d make scary people from Starbucks turn into bottles of Dan Akroyd wine, teach your pets to curb themselves, and make daisies sprout from hair ass-cracks.
(Glad you’re back! I was getting worried about you. I ALMOST had to call you. But you know how I feel about the phone. Much like having Thing 1 and Thing 2 stilleto in my eyeball)
Ms. H — Instead of a sprinkler system, why don’t I just come over with a Slip n’ Slide? Wouldn’t that be more fun?
thecoconutdiaries — I think having Jesus as a step-dad could be awesome! When we have arguments I could go to my room, slam my door and shout, “I don’t care what you say! I don’t even believe in you!”
i was wondering where you were. i hope your mom is doing better. also, i’m surprised i didn’t see you at home depot or lowe’s since i practically live there now.
If you’re going to hell for saying that, then I’m sure going to hell for laughing..MUAHAHAHHA
blakspring — Do they let you park in the handicapped parking?
Queen Lindsay — Don’t forget to bring your bathing suit. I’ll hook the sprinkler up to a Slip n’ Slide.
Okay, but if you do do the trapeze? I demand video be posted!
OK, time for a trapeeze over the bed. Fabulous I swear…
Clearly, I’ve only been to the lame circus, where all they do is abuse and humiliate animals. I think the WWE needs to incorporate more animals into their act.
GeekHiker — Video? Um, I don’t think so. Just picture me falling and yelling AAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGG!
Millennium Housewife — Hi there! I’ve been trying to think of ways to liven up my bedroom decor and I think a trapeze just might do it. I could hang a pretty lantern from it or even get a bird! That’s what you meant, right?
Kristina — Hey, Kristina! The WWE could combine with the WWF and it would be all kinds of fun! I’d like to see some of those guys go up against a grizzly.
you got me cracking up! seriously, you’re mom is sooo cool! Mother Theresa flying in trapeze - really, how cool is that?!
DINGO!! I wanted to hear about the pinkness of you on a trapeze!!
Sorry that mom was injured, but the ass locks made up for any trapeze transgression.
Holy crap, I want to hang out with you. Shove ME on your to-do list and lets have cheap margaritas next week!! Take a flight to St. Louis, take a puddle jumper from there to here, and I’ll pick you up at one of the MUNICIPAL airports around here.
Hope you don’t mind dog smell, cats staring at you through the night and teenagers coming in at all hours. Oh, and a sofa bed........or the air mattress...it’s up to you.
Sorry to hear you didn’t get to be all trapeze-y and sequin-y. That’s sad.
Why is it more fun to fix other people’s stuff? It just is.
I don’t understand why you and thecoconutdiaries are trying to take up hobbies that might result in long-term disability. Can’t you just live vicariously through me? I’m going to eat real butter later today! Wooooo!
freeteyme — If she’d only wear a veil and robe she’d look like the flying nun.
Shelly — The dogs and the cats I can do. The teenagers will have to sleep outside.
Allie — I do enjoy the challenge of fixing mom’s stuff. And it gives me a chance to throw around words like joist, pvc pipe, and such.
flurrious — Real butter? Should I try the sticks or the tub?
okay, okay, okay. I love the post and the pizzazz and all, but is that Jesus at the circus? And is there a lion riding a horse? By far, my favorite picture ever. I would hang this in my study.
You are HYSTERICAL
Thank you for your blog I am going to read it’s entirety this evening…
Hillary — Yes, it’s Jesus at the circus. Who do you think got the horse to let the lion on his back?
Rebecca — Hi Rebecca, thanks for stopping by. If you’re still here in the morning, would you mind starting the coffee?
I can’t wait for my daughter to invite me to a trapeze class. She would be the one in the pink tights and sequins too.
I, too, have to do listed myself off the charts this summer.
18 days ;-(((((((
Pseudo — Don’t wait! Sign up for one now. All the cool kids are doing it.
So I have to comment again! I really really want to sign up for a trapeze class. New York is about 3 hours from where I am but they have a location in BOston which is so much closer. I am really going to seriously think about it!
Jesus would make an EXCELLENT date.
His hair for one is simply spectacular. He looks like keith Urban wrapped in a sheet! Doesn’t get more delicious than that.
Also, he could help you walk on water. Which would keep your shoes dry and would be very practical if you suffer from motion sickness.
And, my favorite Jesus perk.. The man can change water into wine. How awesome would that be?? Turn on the tap and in one “ honey could ya help me.. I could really use a good Pinot” and Abracadabra! You got Wine!
So.. I guess I’ll be seeing ya in hell Dingo. Hey, Bring some Oreos would ya?