I Didn’t Have To Go To Starbucks For This One
The semester is almost over, thank dog. I am worn out. Two of my classes have been engaging and fun. One class, my mouth breathers, have required every bit of patience — well, let’s just say that their ignorance is like a BP oil spill: the stupid won’t stop pouring out and, I swear, it’s not my fault! I’ve had writing workshops, peer reviews, and intensive one-on-one writing sessions yet I still receive papers with insightful pronouncements like:
“Being a Christian has the promises of eternal salvation. One day, when you kick the bucket, you will go to the city called Heaven. Except, maybe not. You might go to Heaven. Unless there isn’t really a Heaven. Then you will just be dead. So sad. So very, very sad. But this book isn’t about Christianity its about anarchy and there all going to hell anyway.”
And…
“Paul Whitman wrote Leafs of Grasses. He was gay. He had a beard because he had acne. He is famous because he is the only gay poet in America. If Paul Whitman were alive today he would be a gay poet with a beard.”
But the Troglodyte Of The Year Award goes to Beaker. On the first day of class, my explanation of the syllabus was interrupted by a high-pitched “Meep!” from the back of the room. All heads whipped to the hairy bespectacled Lorax sitting in the corner.
“Excuse me?”
“Meep!” he replied, the lower half of his wooly Snuffleupagus-like visage partially hidden by the syllabus wedged between his saber-toothed incisors. Meep! Meep! Meep! I was a bit non-plussed by the truckload of trouble that seemed to be backing its way into my classroom.
“I have autism!” he shouted through a mouthful of paper.
Beaker’s proclamation hovered over the room like a loud, liquidy shart in a crowded elevator. No problem, I thought. I’ve had autistic students in several of my classes. What followed, however, was weeks of meeping when asked a question, spasmodic jerks at any mention of technology, and a host of other ticks and triggers that made teaching each and every class like being “It” while playing Simon Says in a minefield.
On one occasion, I asked the class a question about the day’s reading. Beaker’s hand shot up. Thinking it was one of his ticks, I called on someone else. Beaker’s other hand shot up.
“Beaker, do you want to respond?”
He nodded emphatically, eyes wide behind his dirty glasses.
“Okay, go ahead.”
Beaker slooooowly lowered his hands and covered his mouth as he spoke, fingers interlaced in a hairy-fingered web that trapped his words.
“Beaker, I can’t hear you. Do you mind moving your hands?”
Beaker paused for a moment and then slooooowly raised his hands like a roman shade until his eyes were blocked from view. His mouth continued to move. No sounds emerged. I sighed and called on someone else.
Beaker’s outbursts increased in frequency and intensity, often disrupting class. I needed some advice: taser or baton? So I went to the student disability office. The student disability office Beaker was supposed to have registered with at the beginning of the semester. The student disability office he said he registered with, between meeps, at the beginning of the semester. The student disability office he didn’t register with at the beginning of the semester because he DOESN’T FUCKING HAVE AUTISM!
In fact, the student disability office informed me that Beaker had tried his autism routine in several other classes. When confronted, Beaker fessed up, settled down, and didn’t utter another meep for the rest of the semester. That’s right, Innernetz, Beaker doesn’t have autism. At all. Not even a little bit. Not even the high-functioning-I’m-gonna-make-a-bazillion-dollars-on-a-world-dominating-computer-operating-system kind. What he did have was the wrath of Dingo coming his way.
The next day, at the beginning of class, I announced that I had sent the entire class an email. He meeped and flailed back and forth like a hairy piñata in a Santa Ana wind. I ignored it and went on to mention that students could collaborate about their in-class presentations online. Beaker twitched and jerked. I suggested Tweets and Beaker grabbed a book from his desk and waved it in front of his face while making “tweet” sounds. When I suggested that the groups befriend one another on Facebook, he screamed while smacking the book against his face. I suggested instant messaging, bulletin boards, and online collaboration apps, but it wasn’t until I mentioned Skype that Beaker fell to the floor, exhausted and panting. I then requested that he come see me during my office hours.
“Ms. Dingo? You wanted to see me?” He stepped into my office, hair poking through buttonholes and sleeves as if he’d bought his clothes at a minoxidil fire sale.
“Sit down, Beaker.” Beaker sat.
“You don’t have autism. You’re a faker,” I said getting to the point. Barely restraining my glee about the water works and blubbering apologies that I just knew were about to spring from his lying lips, I reached for the tissues I keep by my desk for such occasions.
“Um, is this about my papers?”
My hand paused mid-air. I may or may not have made a fist. He doesn’t have autism. He did have stupid.
“No, Not Rain Man, this is not about your papers. This is about the fact that you’ve been faking a developmental disorder and disrupting class. What the hell, dude?!” I sat back mentally rubbing my hands together waiting for the groveling. I’d worn my best shoes. I find the tears of desperate penitents exceptional for buffing patent leather.
“Oh, yeah, that. Does this affect my grade?” he asked.
“Meep!” I said.
He smiled a little. “No, seriously, I can’t fail this class,” he said. “This won’t affect my...?”
“Meep meep,” I said and froze, but for my left arm, which glacially moved a sheet of paper from the desk to the front of my face. “Meep,” I repeated, until I was sure he had left.
Damn, I’ll be glad when this semester is over.
Posted on Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 12:49 PM.
Tags: Little Red Schoolhouse
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Comments & Trackbacks
Um. I kind of don’t even have a response to this. It’s too far beyond my comprehension that someone could be that stupid.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I have no words for that--that’s just crazy!! But bless your grace in the situation b/c I would have slapped that kid upside the head (probably why I should never get into teaching).
Dude. DUDE. I would not have been able to deal with that as well as you, I would have cold-cocked him out of his chair.
Dang. You don’t mention if Beaker has a specific odor, but I imagine he smells like ex-bf’s friend, Horrible Hippie. A mix of dirty hair/dreds, hemp oil, and OHMYGODIHATEYOU.
Beaker has a cousin in NC, is what I’m trying to say.
I’m so sorry.
Duuuuuuuuude. Seriously? What the hell? I hope you failed the little freakazoid.
Hahahaha. That is awesome! I am totally going to fake Austism at my next staff meeting.
Um, I should have been a teacher. Meep.
You know what? I don’t doubt that a WORD OF THIS isn’t true. I am consistently ASTOUNDED at some of the dumb shit some kids pull, and the brazenness with which they protest the grades they so richly deserve. REALLY! You’re going to stand there, with as straight face, and feed me this bullshit? Here, have a Burger King application and please, whatever you do, don’t breed!
It’s sad that I can’t even be shocked by this story (although it is ridiculous). I work in Residence Life at a higher education art school...I think some of Beaker’s relatives live in the buildings I manage. Dingo, you are an amazing human being for not knocking this kid out.
You DID NOT THE FUCK “MEEP” at him??? Let’s see… how can I utilize this technique with my students? Do I want to lick the wall? No. Do I want to put my hand in another person’s urine filled toilet to get a bracelet? Not really. Do I want to dye my hair, forehead and neck dark green? Hmmmm......
I COULD raise my hand when a teacher says, “Do you want to stay with me like all of the other students who can’t sit quietly in the gym? Because there are OTHER students who have to stay with me because they have no self control.”
OR I COULD make a t-shirt in marker that says who I hate on it.......
You’ve got me thinking now......
Wait, what? Autisim is contageous? Hope you’re over it soon and feeling better.
I am beyond words. Having a special needs son, knowing there are people faking disorders, for whatever reason, leaves me completely speechless.
I really hope his little charade does affect his grade.
First, still laughing at this:
“hovered over the room like a loud, liquidy shart in a crowded elevator. “
Second, I hope you really meeped at him and then failed the effer.
I...just...I’m horrified that there are people like this in the world. Mortified.
What an act! I LOVED your response. It was perfect.
Who fakes autism? Good grief. Anyway this was hilarious. I laughed loudly and obnoxiously.
I think his final grade should be “Meep"… only because I don’t know how to phonetically spell “loud, liquidy shart hanging in an elevator...” (a brilliant line, by the way).
His work had better be savant-brilliant. I get the feeling that it is not.
And PAUL Whitman? Is he related to Walt? Were they both gay?
I learn so much from your students…
I heart you and this was amazing.
‘Not Rain Man’ *snirk*
new nickname for the husband
k8 — And to not even feel the slightest bit ashamed about it when busted? What’s that all about?
stealthnerd — There weren’t many options that wouldn’t land me in jail on criminal assault charges.
NPW — Ew! That would have required touching him.
saratogajean — OMG! You mean these things are breeding? Like pod people! They must be stopped.
inkpuddle — Oh yes, he’s failing. I am interested in seeing his arm flailing and screeching when he sees the big ol’ F on his transcript.
Kristina P — Don’t forget the loud, liquidy shart!
Lesley G — I know, right? Every day is an adventure.
Mrs Chili — He’s a business major. I imagine in another 10 years we’ll see his face plaster on the front page of every newspaper for faking profits or insider trading. And I bet he’ll still be as hairy.
Issa — Day-um, girl! I bet you have some stories. Do tell.
Jules — Girl, you know I meeped at him. I can’t wait to see my student evaluation from this asshat.
Unindicted Co-conspirator — I think, in his case, the stupid virus never left his system and developed into a full-blown case of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
Tara R. — I’ve taught kids with developmental disorders and they work very hard, that this kid would appropriate the disability infuriates me. Unfortunately, other than failing him because his work sucks, there’s nothing else I can do.
Wombat Central — Meeped and failed, in that order.
Megkathleen — When people say “children are our future” I look at my class and weep.
Lindas S. — Meep!
Erin — He fakes autism. And he does it well. Of course the next time I have someone who claims to have a developmental disorder in my class, I’m going to scream at them, “You’re faking! I know you are! You are not fooling me with that cane and your in-class assistant!” I am going to win Teacher of the Year.
MsDarkstar — Although this ultimately didn’t work for him, maybe at your next job interview? Let me know how that works out for you.
Elizabeth — Hello, dahling! Smooches!
Shania — Put it on a t-shirt for Father’s Day!
I love that you meeped at him! (Even if you didn’t, don’t shake that image. I love it!) But can we go back to Paul Whitman? OMFG.
I just had a student who’s academic contract required him to earn nothing below a C- and at least a 2.5 GPA for the semester. He got all Fs and asked “What do I do now?”. Um, I think perfecting “Would you like fries with that?” is a good start.
So would it be wrong if I started to my users more stupid questions with “meep”?
Good LORD. Faking autism. Who the fuck does that shit? This should be a situation where you are allowed to slap a student.
There has to be SOMETHING wrong with him though. Normal people don’t fake Autism. Even normal stupid people. What a freak. A furry little freak.
I always loved Beaker on the Muppets when I was a kid…
That is perhaps the douchey-est thing I’ve ever heard. Why is he even in school? Nobody’s going to hire his hairy meeping ass anyway.
this is probably the craziest story i ever heard. this guy is just major prick. people who fake disabilities, diseases, or unfortunate circumstances for sympathy and more need to be thrashed. i am so happy that you meeped him. should’ve meeped his ass all the way out the door. jerk.
I’m glad I’m still astounded by the levels of stupid out in the world - I’m not a jaded soulless skank after all! I wish I could be your Girl Friday.
If he does it in class again will you out him in front of his peers or is that kind of public humiliation (although completely deserved) frowned upon?
I love the movie poster. And Paul Whitman is one of my favorite gay, bearded poets.
I’m ashamed to say I had to look up “shart.”
Meep.
Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!? You have a student conference where you MEEP AT A STUDENT...and you DON’T videotape it?!?!
What the hell, Batman?!!?!
April — Yes, I meeped at him. He didn’t see the humor in it.
TCD — So he’s the guy who needs pictures of the burgers on the cash register instead of numbers, right?
GeekHiker — No, that would not be wrong at all. You would be doing them a favor.
Summer — I looked in the teachers handbook. No slapping allowed. Damn.
Mel Heth — A furry little freak just about sums it up. I think he has the disease that in 2010 we call entitlement and spoiled rotten. He needs to take a dose of reality and get a clue.
Harna — Unless he wants to work as a test subject for Frontline or Advantix, I don’t see where he has many job options.
blakspring — I found it hard to keep a straight face. Maybe that’s why he has all that hair, so people can see him laughing at them.
Lyvvie — Please! Be my Girl Friday! We’d have so much fun! I promise that there will be lots of booze and cupcakes.
stoogepie — The movie poster is perfect, no? I’m waiting for Tom Cruise and his ilk to sue me for being a suppressive person and photoshopping his dumbass out of the picture. Know any good lawyers?
Ms. H — It’s funny, after he left I thought, “Ms. H is gonna love this!”
Oh my freaking ... Seriously? That is so unbelievably awful and disturbingly strange? Who does that?
You are awesome. I love it. And that bad grammar nearly gave me a seizure. Seriously? I heard it was HARD to get into college! I guess they just meant expensive. Not fair. Where can I get a grant? Lol. (Do I hear a meep?)
Allie — Furry little freaks, that’s who.
S.K. — I’ll give you three meeps in Z formation for that!
You meeped him back? AWESOME.
Summers coming and you can wipe all the weird and prepare for a whole new batch. I can’t believe someone would be so inconsiderate as to fake a disability but the way you handled it is hilarious.
Oh, dear heavens...that one made me laugh to no end. Thankfully I have NEVER had this one happen in class! And if it did happen...I’m not sure I would have handled it any differently than you did...it’s just the sort of thing I would have done too. 
I just have kids who freak out for an hour about how hard a test is and they don’t know what they are doing...and than finish it in under 15 minutes after I’ve called home to say they are staying after school until it’s done! (That was the way I ended yesterday)...yes, summer vacation can’t come soon enough!!
BTW, stopping by from your Studio 30+ feature!
Jay-sus. That is effed up. I had some stooooopid kids, but that is just a whole ‘nother level of weird.
Not only do I believe EVERY WORD that you wrote, I bow in humble respect. I thought my semester was stressful...that takes the meeping cake!! Although, I can go toe to toe with you on bad papers, a few sample lines:
1) New York City:
--Tennessee is more racist than New York, because when Martin Luther King Jr. went there to free the slaves, the authorities refused to help him.
--Cities were created for profit, they feed off each other.
--The city of New York is one which ferments such a definition.
2) “Strange Fruit” by Billie Holiday
--This was a sad song but she was singing around the civil war when racism still existed.
--This song is about a woman who doesn’t like the way white people look at her when she is walking down the street and they are having they picnic.
Some are too painful to forget!
There’s just no cure for stupid, is there? hehehe
Btw, I loved how you responded by meeping at him (Hmmm, is “meeping” a word? Guess it is now!) Anyway, thanks for the great blog post, you’re a hoot! _
I cannot say it enough, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, teachers. This story just makes me want to go buy more teacher appreciation presents for my kids teachers and mine. I do not hold the patience you do to handle people like this. I would have soooooo messed it up and got myself fired or something. But by you simply “meeping” at him, you said more than any other words could.
Awesome!
I love all of you teachers!
Wow. That dude was a real tool. Ya just got yerself a new regular reader, Champ.
I used to be a college writing tutor. I feel your pain; I don’t know how some of these kids get into college. But the meeping definitely takes the cake.
i have a younger brother with autism and the road travelled so far has not been easy. i am shocked and dismayed and i could possibly cry that someone could fake a disability ...and for what?!! he’s healthy and in college. what does he have to complain about? beaker is a total meeping douche. i heart you for the way you responded, tho
What a little fucktard. I am a returning student and I can’t believe some of the crap these stupid kids pull. I may not be the smartest person in the world (but I did pull of a 4.0 after 12 years out of school!) but if shits like that are my competition for grad school I am not worried at all!
Ok first I want to say I am in love with this blog, it’s so cool to read it and you are amazing, I mean, you really seem to be a great person not afraid of speaking your thoughts loudly, that’s the spirit!
Beaker looks like my uncle if he was homeless…