I Should Run With A First Aid Kit
I haven’t written much about my marathon training lately because, well, it just sucks. Trying to fit it into my schedule has meant running in 80-degree heat and pouring rain. But, on a good note, I bought new running shoes! They’re the same brand as my old shoes but instead of the run-of-the-mill (what the hell does that mean anyway?) blue and white, I got silver and yellow! Oh yeah, I’m looking like Flash Gordon these days. Although sometimes I wonder, if I looked like Commissioner Gordon would Christian Bale come rescue me around mile 12 when I’m floundering and my pace has the waddling, decrepit gait of The Penguin instead of the breezy gazelle like leaps of a jogger?
Mr. Dingo mocks my running belt, which holds 40 ounces of water and fruit-punch-flavored Gator-Aid, four packs of energy Gu (delicious Vanilla Bean), keys, and my homemade emergency contact information card. Well, it’s not really a card. More like a post-it note with my name, address, and a message that says, “If my prone, desiccated body is found sprawled on the side of the road, please touch up my hair and make-up before contacting the media. Oh, and call Mr. Dingo.” But the running belt really is cool, if a bit heavy with all that liquid. In fact, although Mr. Dingo mocks my belt, he admits that there may still be enough room between some of the water bottles to attach a grappling hook and a flashlight that would emit the Bat Signal. He laughed but I am scouring the internet for just such a thing.
Since my running schedule has changed, I haven’t seen the usual freak parade. Mr. Jazz Hands has been absent but he could just be off mourning the closing of Rent. OLWW hasn’t been seen for weeks. She probably finally succumbed to heat stroke. In her place, however, is some guy who looks as if he was trying to get to the Bingo tournament at the Home for the Aged and Infirm but made a wrong turn at the cafeteria and ended up at the hilliest part of Central Park. Unlike OLWW, his walker is motorized. He just can’t seem to find the speed controls. The last time I passed him going downhill, his walker was about three steps too far ahead of him. He had a panicked look as his sweaty, gnarled fingers began to slip off the handles. I would’ve offered to help (Shut up! I would have! Maybe.) but just then his walker decided to veer off to the right into the curb effectively stopping his downhill plummet. I figured if he was still there on my second lap I’d steal his walker because by then I’d need it I’d offer some assistance.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, that I’ll stop to help a dog but I won’t stop to help another human being. I suppose this isn’t the time to mention the guy who had a dufflebag and picnic basket precariously attached to the back of his bike. As he slowly pedaled up the hill the picnic basket would swing widely to the left. And then widely to the right. The guy looked like a tightrope walker as he swayed back and forth trying to keep his balance. All the other runners gave him plenty of room because it was just a matter of time before he fell over. And he did. The picnic basket spilled all over the road and the dufflebag made a loud CRACK! sound. Oh! Did I mention that there was also a little girl strapped into a child seat on the back of the bike? And I do mean strapped. In lieu of a seat belt the guy decided that duct tape was an appropriate restraint. The little girl wasn’t hurt so I didn’t stop. No, really! She wasn’t hurt! In fact, she was laughing so hard she was crying.
The fact that I was close to tears myself made me a little less open to whatever terror she was feeling. Brat, you don’t know the meaning of terror. Terror is having already gone eleven miles with your legs aching, blisters forming, and knowing that you have two more miles to go. That, my dear whiny kid in your Hello Kitty bike helmet, is terror. Pick up your spilled apples and smushed PB&J and shut up. Get back to me when life gets really hard and then we’ll talk.
So, the marathon is a little over a month away. Mr. Dingo and I have made our reservations at a cute little bed & breakfast. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to enjoy either the bed or the breakfast as I’ll be too nervous to eat and then too sore to care. I’m excited though. I never thought I’d be able to get this far and I don’t think I would have if it weren’t for Mr. Dingo and you, my dear Innernetz. I keep thinking of the great party and all the gifts and money you are going to shower me with when I complete the marathon. Gifts + Money = motivation.
I’m right about the gifts and money, right?
Posted on Thursday, September 11, 2008 at 01:34 PM.
Tags: Leaps and Pounds, Marathon Madness
no trackbacks
Submit your trackback to http://www.asiwassaying.com/index.php/trackback/94/R2Tu1WJb/
- Enjoy this post? Share it with others:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Comments & Trackbacks
I am way excited for you! Seriously, it is so cool that you are so close and still kicking ass! Think about how amazing it is that when you started it hurt to run a couple of miles and now there you are thinking, ugh, I’m at 11 can’t I stop now? I couldn’t even make it to 11. That is seriously, seriously cool. Did I mention how awesome I think you are? Cause yeah. You = coolness. In fact, you are so amazing, you have caused me to be quiet incoherent in my rambling about your prowess as a runner. *grins* Basically I just want you to know how proud we all are...you know, me and the voices…
Okay, I’m done. Your ego should now be properly stoked. Also, idiotic people have the choice to be out in the heat doing stupid things. Dogs are dragged along with their owners and can’t help it. I think that’s the line.
Christian Bale is too busy (allegedly) beating his mom to save you. But if you need a good slap in the tooshy, he might be your guy.
Wait...so the guy had a little girl duct taped on the back of bike, staggering like a drunk, and then let her topple over? Were you being Punk’d???
Ditto Rachel’s congrats. I seriously do not understand getting blisters for fun but I do loves me some bed and breakfasts, so here’s hoping you an Mr. Dingo have some fun (PG-13) stories to share when you get back!
You RUN?? As in move your legs in a scissor like fashion until you reach a speed faster than walking?? Really? I’m seriously impressed. The last time I ran it was a life or death situation. Someone was about to eat the last piece of cheesecake.
I had smushed pb&j;for lunch. It’s actually pretty darn good. And while I wasn’t duct-taped strapped into a bike seat, I was sitting on the side of the road with my Hello Kitty bike helmet on, laughing so hard I was crying.
you re right about the support...I am sending it from my sofa...less sure the gifts and money!
Support, support, support and maybe a cute lit. something or other?
Hey in over a month I’ll be past most deadlines. How about I help you jump start you thesis as a reward? Motivating enough? 
Rachel — I read your comment just before I went out for today’s run. It really motivated me. While I laugh about it now, the 13 mile run was the worst run since I started in March. Nothing went right. Nothing felt right. I came home and cried. Or maybe moaned. I can’t really tell between the Advil and the ice packs, I was pretty incoherent. Thanks for the boost. Today’s run was great!
thecoconutdiaries — Rumors! Rumors! He never laid a hand on his mom! And yes, he had his little girl duct taped in her bike seat. And yes. They both fell on over. As for the B&B;, Mr. Dingo scheduled a massage for me at the inn’s spa for after the race!
Shania — I know, crazy isn’t it. I started this running thing in March and now I’m addicted. You would still beat me to the cheesecake. I can do the longer distances but I’m not a sprinter. Although I might trip you just to get a head start.
saratogajean — Awwww! If I had actually seen you do that, I might have stopped and asked you to share.
rosie — I appreciate your sofa support. Gifts and money are optional but they will move you to the top of my Christmas card list.
Jen of a2eatwrite — Oh, yeah! You know, I’m sure I’d be a better runner if I could just eat healthy. Why don’t you move in with me and Mr. Dingo. You will have the entire kitchen to yourself. While Mr. Dingo is an incredible cook, caramel pecan pie and fried chicken are not helping my race time or my waist line.
Marjolein — That sounds like a deal to me! NOW I’m motivated!
No comment. Laughing too hard. At your post, sure, blah blah, but these comments today are killing me. And in case you haven’t read my post yet today (because not even crazy patrick is reading today!), we are keeping the dog. And even if we weren’t, which we are, I wouldn’t take her to the pound. If someone is killing her, it will be me for hewing up the damn Gameboy that I use to ignore my family and compuslively play in order to avoid and and all interaction with human beings. Did I say that out loud? On a good dy, I am eating cheesecake at the same time. Oh yeah, good luck at the marathon, too. I think you are freaking (notice how I tone it down when commenting? I am respectful like that) awesome, but I didn’t want to make your ego swell.
Kori — These comments are cracking me up, too! I have some rather witty readers. Can you imagine if we were all in the same room with gifts and money for me having cheesecake and something healthy like Diet Coke? Laugh riot, I tell ya’. So glad about the dog! Maybe it’s Eli that you should take to the pound. Just a suggestion. It’s been a crazy few days and I’m am slowly making my way through my reader. I can’t wait to see what going on with you. Oh, and you rock.
I am truly so excited for you! Enjoy your taper time and try not to go nuts (it feels very weird to have to run less, I think).
As for the crazies on the trail, I know we are miles and miles apart but I swear we see the exact same people when we’re running. There is some sort of weird vortex that goes straight from Central Park into Southern Colorado. I’m convinced.
justrun — I am looking forward to the taper time! The training schedule I am on has me increasing my long run one by one additional mile a week up to 18 miles. This week I’m doing 14 miles. Any secrets for making it fly by? You have these crazy people, too! What is it with runners?
oh dingo… why do you have to be such a show off? i think i loved you better when we ate tater skins and laughed in the face of physical exertion. sigh.....
I am beyond impressed with the fact that you are going to run a marathon AND your running belt. I was just thinking last weekend that I will never be able to run a 10K and here you are running a marathon soon. I am definitely going to send you gifts. Cookies?
You are so awesome I want to duct tape myself and a picnic basket to you while you’re running through the park.
But seriously, congratulations on the training. I can’t imagine doing it in the heat and rainstorms. You’re practically Batman yourself.
On another serious note, don’t you think it hurt when he ripped the duct tape off of her? Her poor little arms probably have no hair left on them.
sunny — Um, I think you started running months and months before I did. It was you who traded tater skins for nasty wraps and salad. You, my dear. You, you, you betrayed the noon happy hour. What could I do but adapt?
Megkathleen — Yes, you can run a 10K. You can. Has Obama taught you nothing? Where’s the hope? And yes, cookies are definitely an appropriate post-marathon treat. They are also an appropriate pre-marathon treat as well. I think I can find room for them on my running belt.
Mel Heth — When I was running what amounted to a half marathon, I remembered the picture you posted when you completed your half marathon. And I hated you. You looked fresh, happy, and as if you were disappointed that you couldn’t go another 13 miles. That hate kept me going. Thank you.
Oh, and the PB&J;whiny kid was only taped from her waist to her little chest. Her arms were free to flail about.
I do hope you’re being facetious about the Gu Gel. I had a super long charity bike ride once so I decided to try it and it made me want to vomit all along the entire coast of Maine.
at least you’re doing it! That’s so exciting. I’ve always wanted to run a marathon or even a half but I just suck at running and to be completely honest, I HATE IT! I don’t really like physical activity at all and I’m luck that obesity doesn’t run in my family otherwise I’d be in big big trouble!
Well, we made a mile and a half this morning before Mr. Hot decided that he couldn’t go another step without a stop at the bathroom. BACK AT OUR HOUSE!
Sigh.
I tell him not to eat so much fiber at night.
nancypearlwannabe — Oh, I love me some Gu gel. Love it. It tastes like vanilla frosting. But don’t look at it while you are eating it because it looks like snot.
Ms Catalysta — I have a love/hate relationship with running. Now that I’m doing it, I can’t imagine stopping. BUT sometimes, like now, when it’s actually time to run, sometimes I’d rather just sit on the couch eating a tube of cookie dough and making snarky comments about the atrocious outfit and bad weave Tyra is wearing.
Ree — Oh come on, Mr. Hot! You can do better than that! One thing that I’ve learned is that onions and broccoli the night before a run? Not a good idea.
I’m wiping a tear of my own as I read this. Good luck with the race, just be ready when the flood of endorsement offers come.
If it makes you feel any better, I can barely run a mile before I feel like I’m gonna pass out…
Tara R. — You are crying, too?! Did someone strap you into a bike with duct tape? Oh no! Yeah, I’m sure those endorsements will just come rollin’ on in. I think Lance Armstrong and I will do a few commercials together before I kick him to the curb for being so last year.
GeekHiker — This coming from the man who does 30 mile hikes?
That’s really really awesome!
I, too, am in mourning for the closing of Rent.
You’ll be so happy when this experience is over and you’ll have come through quite spectacularly. Good for you for doing it! 
THANKS for visiting my blog and commenting. It has a new look now, check it out !!!!
chow.
duh, forgot to add blog site link.
chow.
Wow, eleven miles. All at the same time! I am not worthy to comment here...I made it four miles this morning on my treadmill, that’s pretty good, right? Then I had eggs and bacon and coffee. Probably not so good. But I have decided to enter my first 5K next month! Maybe someday I’ll come to NY and run a marathon with you - well, except by the time I am at that level we will probably both be dead. Cheers!
April — But the movie will be in theaters for a few days. The REAL movie, not that atrocity they filmed a few years ago.
Zandria — I’m looking forward to it. Nervous, but excited. Thanks for the support!
Faith — Going to go check it out!
Tress — Yes! Four miles is great! And guess what? I had eggs and bacon this morning as well. More bacon than eggs. mmm...bacon… Good for you on your 5K! Didn’t you and the kids go to one this past weekend? How was it?
#1) How did I miss this post?
#2) HE STRAPPED HIS FUCKING KID TO THE SEAT WITH DUCT TAPE???????????????????
wtf?
yes, I missed this post, too! Where have I been?? Seriously, duct tape? I would have reamed him a new one. I stopped my car in the middle of my street last week to ream out a guy with his kid on his lap in the driver’s seat. He didn’t speak English, and just stared at me for like 30 seconds in silence, so I decided to just calmly get back in my car.
Anyhoo....you are my hero for this marathon business. I am such a fatass.
Crissy — I think my blogging schedule has been so erratic lately you have just given up on me. And yes, the guy used duct tape. I keep saying “guy” instead of dad because he didn’t look very dad-like. Now that I think about it, the whole non-dad looking guy and duct tape kid thing is kinda creepy, no? Should I have called the cops?
Jane — Fatass? I don’t think so. You just did boot camp. You had someone screaming at you to keep going. You did not scream back. That, my dear, impresses the hell out of me.
Thanks for the comment. He is a pretty supportive guy. Too bad I didn’t have a handy tool belt of supplies in my race! Maybe it would have helped me from wanting to die.
I pretty much always prefer to sit on the couch watching Tyra. A 5K was tough enough.. now mutiplying that by 8 is just unfathomable.
As for the kid being duct-taped into the bike seat. A possible kidnapping?? But as long as the kid wasn’t screaming bloody murder then I think you’re ok for not calling the cops. Might want to keep an eye out for some Amber Alerts though!
Dude. I just had three awesome paragraphs typed. I didn’t type the word as needed, and lost it all.
In short, you’re awesome, and I’m so glad they found the Rockefeller guy who’s not a Rockefeller and his little girl, or I’d be quite suspicious.
Power to the Dingo!
By the way, there’s an award waiting for you at my blog..
As least you find something to crack up about when you are pounding the pavement! Yay you and good luck with all that training. You planning on indulging yourself afterward? I’d suggest Thai food and chocolate…
My undying support = motivation!
Go Dingo! Yeah Dingo! You GO GIRL!! RUN BITCH RUN!!
(did that help?)
Ms Catalysta — Just think, if you keep running and working out, pretty soon a 5K will be soooo easy!
Jenny — Oh man! I wish I could have read those three awesome paragraphs! Anyway, the little girl did not look alarmed. They just looked like a very odd match.
Shelly — Thanks, Shelly! Yes, it did help. That, and the thought that if I were there I know you’d buy me a margarita.
O’Mama — Hi, O’Mama! I have no idea why your comment was marked as spam! Anyway, Thai food and chocolate sounds great but I think since I’m going to be in Cape Cod for the marathon, I may order up the biggest lobsta they can catch!
Marjolein — Either something is wrong with my comment function or something is wrong with me! I choose to believe the former for the fact that my response to your comment was unrecorded! Anyway, thank you so much for the Arte y Pico award. I love writing this blog and it’s connected me to such a wonderful community of friends.
A marathon? Holy cow you are crazy… I can’t even run around the block so you are my hero now! Wow!
Talina — Hello, Talina. Yes, I am crazy. I often ask myself what was I thinking to start this crazy thing. But you know what? I love it.
Glad that you are finally starting to gain on the people with walkers. Keep it up!
Joe In Vegas — First the people with walkers and then the mom’s with stollers! I’m going to defeat one demographic at a time.
I read your comments on my blog, and I am very excited to hear that someone else is doing the marathon thing and is as equally sarcastic as myself. I have a question regarding one of your blogs. You mentioned GU. Is it worth it? Does it give you amazing energy? After how many miles/time does one start taking GU? Because quite frankly after 3 to 4 miles I could definitely use a little more energy.
I can not believe you are running 18 miles. I only dare to dream to get to 13 miles. I only ran 3 times last week. However, my last run of the week was my best so far (I was running at about the pace a toddler can crawl) but who really cares. It’s all about personal best.Right? I felt really guilty about missing my fourth run. Maybe that means that eventually I will be able to call myself a..shhhhh.. “runner”, a real runner. Now only if that guilt will kick my butt into high gear and help me get to the higher mileage.
Well I better get back to work.
Ok, so unless you’ve seen American Psycho, I won’t consider you a true Christian Bale fan. If you have, I’ll love you and your blog forever. (not that I don’t already love it) Yeah he’s amazing. I’d love to be as good an actor and as famous as he. As a guy I’ll admit too that he’s f***king hot! If you haven’t seen him in American Psycho know that he ends up nude at some point. Despite the fact he’s wielding a chainsaw it’s rather interesting…
Haha. Can’t wait for the new Terminator movie. Just because he’s in it. Oh and Helena Bonham Carter. Yeah, I’m a movie freak. Ever want to discuss a movie, hit me up. Haha. Enjoy your running and I lost track of context but I hope you do/did well in your marathon. Good job so far too!