Ice, Ice Baby (Seals)
I’m in a real pissy mood. It seems as if that’s becoming the status quo for me lately and I don’t like it at all. I don’t like being angry. It gives you wrinkles. I don’t know about you, but when I’m angry my brows furrow dangerously close to each other making me look like a woolly headed muppet and my eyes squint from throwing death rays. Furrowed Brow + Squinty Eyes = Wrinkles. I’m also convinced I’ve inhaled toxic levels of pet hair and dander from all my huffing and puffing around the apartment. The plus is that the fur encasing my lungs ensures that they do not freeze during my runs in the Central Park tundra.
I’ve been carrying this anger around for awhile and it’s really inhibited my ability to write. My brain is in a fog and the only thing I seem to be able to write is, “Fuck you!” I don’t have the Welsh eloquence of Christian Bale. I mean, I can understand his anger against the Director of Photography who interrupted his scene three times. I think we all can, right? Damn DP all up in Batman’s Kool-Aid. Who does he think he is? Doesn’t he know that he’s a little people? Tiny, really. But not like, you know, little people. But Christian Bale dropping the F-bomb thirty-six times in three minutes? Pure genius. I could use that gift of gab right now. Who’s his agent? Can we get his people to call my people me? But don’t tie up the line. I’m expecting Michelle to call any minute.
If I could actually talk to the people on my shit list, this is what I would say:
Dear Jackass,
You are a vile, reprehensible excuse for a human being. Thank god I don’t believe that blood makes family. If I did, I’d slice a vein and die a happy desiccated shell to have no further connection to you. It’s not enough that you left The Cougar for your money-grubbing chippie, but once you realized that The Cougar was no longer going to be your doormat, you set out to destroy her emotionally and financially. Your latest slime ball antics do not surprise me. I knew you were a low-life piece of shit. I’m just pissed that I can’t seem to scrape you off my shoes. Just do what you were court-ordered to do and get out of our lives.
Sincerely,
Dingo
P.S. Fuck you.
Dear Chase and Bank of America,
I am one of the millions of people bailing out your mismanaging, wastrel, could-care-less-about-average-Americans, laughing-all-the-way-to-the-corporate-jet, asshat CEOs. You could not pay your debts so I am paying them for you. I’m nice like that. You, however, are not so nice. In fact, you suck. You are getting a bonus for failing. A bonus for failing your company. A bonus for failing your employees. A bonus for failing me. I, however, have done all I can to succeed and I get the shaft. Well, I also get my monthly minimum payment increased to double the amount it was two months ago. Thanks for that. Unfortunately, the money tree Mr. Dingo and I planted a few years ago (species 401(k)) withered away. I think it’s because you took a great big dump all over it. I appreciate a good compost as much as anyone but your contribution was a bit much.
Your claim that limiting the caps on compensation will cause good managers to go elsewhere is bullshit. If you had good managers, I wouldn’t be paying for your bailout. Let dem bums go! You know who the good managers are? The good managers are people like me. People who are managing to eat less to save more. People who are managing to heat their homes on fumes. People who still manage to spare a few dollars to help friends and family who’ve lost their homes or their jobs. I suppose it’s hard to relate to this when you and your family are vacationing in the Caribbean on the credit card I am paying for. So, you know what? Your credit and credibility is denied. Your credit card has been canceled. Your debt is due.
So CEOs, Fuck You.
Sincerely and from the bottom of my bitter broke heart,
Dingo
P.S. Fuck You.
And finally:
Mr. Environmentalist,
I appreciate your passion for the environment, I really do. I also appreciate that when the Environmental shtick isn’t working, you are flexible enough to promote other causes. However, you’ve accosted me every day for the past year as I’ve been rushing to get to class on time. Your, “Do you have a minute for the Environment/Gay Rights?” was amusing at first. Then it got annoying. No, I do not have a minute. Do you not see me with a wet head because I managed to shower, get dressed, and dash out of the door ten minutes before class starts? Do you not see the icicles forming on my still-dripping locks?
No, I don’t have a minute to hand my credit card information over to someone with a clipboard and Birkenstocks. Really, if you are going to exercise such poor judgment by wearing Birkenstocks in the dead of winter, do you really think I would trust you with my credit card? Especially when you can’t tell me how the money is going to be spent? Hey, if you ever get tired of standing in the frigid temps being dissed by hurried New Yorkers, I hear that Bank of America is looking for good managers. Your compensation would be limited to $500,000, though. That might buy you one or two pairs of socks to wear with your Birks.
So, no, I do not have a minute. However, if you do not get your clipboard outta my face, I will take a few seconds to put my gay-loving carbon footprint up your ass.
In the name of baby seals and Ryan Seacrest Elton John,
Dingo
P.S. Fuck You
Whew! I feel so much better now! I’ll be back to my regular snarky cheerfulness real soon!
Posted on Thursday, February 05, 2009 at 03:54 AM.
Tags: It's All Relative, In The Neighborhood, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
WHEW!!!!
I am SO glad I didn’t make the list…
Wow - I really think we ARE living parallel lives! I thought just yesterday how angry all of my posts sound...but then I thought, “Well Fuck Yeah, I am pissed!” And you summed up some of it here! And I am going to find a way to use the word ‘snarky’ today.
Smile as you walk by those environmentalists....Yay for the baby seals!!
Blogging is so therapeutic isn’t it?
I would probably send some of those, but that’s just me.
There’s nothing wrong with being pissed off about things like this, so I’m glad you feel better to get it out. Over my desire to be more positive than negative, I am trying to discern when it’s right to get emotional about things. A lot of people are just devoid of any emotion and I find myself wondering what the hell is wrong with them. We are supposed to get mad, and we can still do it and be good people. Eff the guy that wants to screw anyone! We should be mad at that!
I just love you. Anyone who comes up with a picture (the muppet) that looks exactly like I feel today is pure genius!
Yeah! I have a lot of people on my “Fuck You” list as well. I equate it to being sick of winter and being surrounded by idiots. Unfortunately only one of those contributing factors is going to change.
MTAE — Those are just a few people on my list but I just double-checked it and you are definitely not on it.
Jules — I really have been feeling blocked. I wanted to write but I was just so angry and frustrated about so many things that I couldn’t put anything down. This post really helped me feel a little bit better and looking at pictures of baby seals did give me the warm fuzzies.
Marjolein — Yes!
justrun — I think the thing that makes me the angriest is the helplessness. Except for Mr. Environmentalist, most of the people and things on my shit list are things I can do nothing about and have no control over. Mr. Dingo is the positive, practical dingo. I am sometimes given to extremes of emotion—you’d never guess that, huh? He helps me to maintain balance but when I reach a tipping point…
Shania — Looking at muppets and baby seals made me smile. I think there is probably a muppet for every occasion. Feeling like a party girl? There’s Janice! Feeling a little glum? Sam the Eagle. See what I mean?
Jules — I think you’ve nailed it. Winter and idiots. Damn them both.
I feel like the word FUCK just releases the negative energy. Maybe that’s why I use it so much. 
I’m just pissed that I can’t seem to scrape you off my shoes. I love that more than you will ever know. Thank you!
Wow. I guess now is not the time to ask you to read my blog and contribute to the Make Shelly Feel Better fund, huh?
Although just reading your prose makes me feel better. XXOO
I guess I just don’t understand the arrogance that goes into the bailout. You don’t DESERVE anything. None of us do. You know? You know what I figured out today? I make 5% of that amount. FIVE FUCKING PERCENT and I have a full life. FIVE FUCKING PERCENT. Sorry. Just had to say it one more time.
When you have some time, I’d appreciate a good Dingo-style rant on the fools who get to NOT pay taxes for years and get away with it and the transparent nomination of Republican Chairman Michael Steele. I don’t have any eloquent words to express my frustration about these. At least not any words with more than 4 letters.
When I went to lunch yesterday, there were FOUR Greenpeace idiots on the corner. FOUR. And each asked if I had time to save the environment. No, but you know what I do have time for? Time to walk you to Volunteer and Community Service Learning Center so you can select a service opportunity that will serve our community. Because baby seals aren’t going to pay into my social security.
BTW- The 401K gravestone is pure genius.
This is a great idea! I think there’s a lot of shit I need to get out of my system, but don’t have the proper outlet right now.
I don’t know. I think icicle hair would look pretty on you.
Also, I’ve got a few people I’d like to say “fuck you” to also so I will just do it here since you’ve opened up a FUCK YOU forum.
FUCK YOU PEOPLE!!! FUCK FUCKING YOU!!! And suck a fat dick while you’re at it. Losers.
I feel much fucking better now. Thanks Dingo!
Might as well send the Chase/Bank of America letter around for signatures (like a petition). How lovely of Chase to buy out Washington Mutual and then more than double my interest rate that I had to fight for almost a year with WaMu to get to a reasonable rate. Thanks alot, Chase, for doing what you’ve done… you could have AT LEAST bought me dinner first, though!
I say we feed Jackass to the big, furry Muppet dude!
i feel enlightened. i had no idea that christian bale was so mercurial. or british.
he did tear that guy a proper asshole though, dint he?
Shelly — I popped over to your site to say hello and wish you well. Since your site is PG-13 I did not say what I really wanted to say so I’ll do it here: Fuck you sickness and stuffy noses!
k8 — You can’t have a full life on that amount. You just can’t! At least that’s what the talking head on TV said last night. It impossible to live on $500,000 dollars. I’d sure like to try though.
thecoconutdiaries — I can understand making a mistake on your taxes—if it’s a genuine mistake. I have a feeling that these were not. Not only that, if Average American made such a mistake, it wouldn’t be “Oops! Here’s the money I owe you. Now let’s call it even.” It would be the IRS making their life a living hell for the next 23,494,983 years.
April — Consider this your fuck you forum. You can leave your own Fuck You letter here in the comments if you like.
Crissy — When my hair gets icy I kinda look like the Snow Queen. It’s really funky looking until I touch it and it breaks off. And I think a Fuck You forum is perfect. Thanks for getting the ball rolling. It feels good, doesn’t it?
MsDarkstar — I know! The banks take our money and then they TAKE our money. We get the privilege of having a recession. I’d feed Jackass to the big, furry Muppet dude but I’m afraid it would make Mr. Muppet sick.
Ken — Fuck you, Ken for commenting two seconds after I’d already responded to the other comments! You wanna get here earlier next time? Ha, ha. Just kidding. Yeah, Dude has quite a temper, huh? But can you imagine having someone piss you off and saying, “I’m not coming to work tomorrow if you’re still here!” and having the clout to carry through? I think I would just walk into random office buildings and say that just because I could.
forget jogging, you gotta take up boxing or something. everyday you can put up a picture of someone from your shitlist, and then go beserker.
You may be angry, but everytime I read your blog it makes me smile. I guess anger = great writing.
Who are these poor people who can’t live on $500,000 a year? I could maybe teach them how they could live on that much for more than 3/4 of a decade.
Also - Why is my word verification 16mother?
I might need to do this to - did it get you out of your pissy mood? Because I really need to get out of the pissy mood I’m in too. And, really, FUCK those CEO’s. Do they not understand that it was their greed that got us into this mess?! Ack.
You seem upset.
You have a future in professional letter writing. Eloquent, yet effective.
Don’t know if you have a sitemeter, but if so, you may know where I customarily am when I stop by here...and let me just say (here, because I definitely can’t say it there) keep the Fuck Yous coming. Say it for us all! Halleluiah, and play ball.
I can’t read you from that place anymore, though, because that might allow us five minutes of relief from stress. By all means, they had to put an end to that.
You rock. You are my favorite Dingo.
I do love me a good rant. I puffy-heart your ingenious use of the word “fuck”. You are my hero, and I am so very sad that our paths didn’t cross when you lived in Texas. On the other hand, it’s probably a good thing....cuz I’m pretty sure we’d have ended up in jail wearing jumpsuits and shoestringless-shoes.
I hope you don’t mind if I borrow your server-space for a rant of my own.
Dear Life:
I realize that you have this so-called “responsibility” to teach us lessons. I get it. Trust me, I got it a longass time ago. So can you please backthefuck up off of me and my kids?
Cuz I’m getting really effin tired of going to funerals for kids who haven’t even had a chance to hold their high school diploma. And moreso than that?! I’m REALLLLLLLLLY tired of watching their friends (the survivors) ask each other, “Can I ride with you to the funeral?” or “Are you going to be a pallbearer?” And I can’t tell you how it boggles my mind to have to try to solve the mystery created by this question: “Miss, do you know if we can get our absence excused for going to the funeral?”
And. I am TOO-through with sitting and watching my kiddos....MY babies....cry their hearts out because they know this is the last ceremony they’ll share with their friend. THAT FUCKING SUCKS.
Yes, I realize that I do, in fact, have “territory issues”. And I’m peachy-keen okay with that because normally...how it works is....people KNOW that it’s my territory and they stay. away. But you? Do you give a flyin’ howdy about respecting people’s territory? That’d be a BIG negative, ghostrider. And as far as that “stay away” thing? Fuggedaboutit.
So here’s how this is gonna work. I am going to continue to work my ass off to try to get these kids to...and across the stage for....graduation. And you? You. Are going to leave us the hell alone.
Cuz really? I get it.
Ms. H.
blakspring — Boxing would be good. Except for the getting hit part. I would be the only person to get hit back by a photo.
O.G. — I’m glad it makes you smile! If I could only channel my anger into alternate sources of energy we wouldn’t have to rely on foreign sources of fuel.
3carnations — Hello! Living on $500,000 a year would be such a strain, wouldn’t it? I mean, what would you do with all that money? No one needs that kind of stress. Poor half-a-millionaires. Life is so unfair.
Megkathleen — It was very helpful to write this! I feel like I can now move on. No, seriously.
flurrious — Really? What makes you think so?
Tara R. — That may be a niche market for me to tap into if this recession gets any worse. I’ll give you the Dingo Discount if you need one.
Tress — Those people suck! They blocked the innernetz! How in the world to you get through your work day? How?!
Ms. H — I hope it was as therapeutic for you as it was for me. Get it all out there, girl!
No joke, I could not have said it any better. I have been so tense lately b/c I feel like nothing ever fucking changes. It’s the same old bullshit, let the taxpayers pay and i’m tired of it. I loved this post. Loved it. Maybe now I will sleep well tonight
I know I haven’t commented in forever but I’ve been keeping up for darn sure. It’s always good to have a rant once in a while.
It’s good to know you have a place to let off steam and people who will actually listen to you and not judge but give responses that will lighten your mood or agree with you like crazy.
I know it’s not him, but the pic reminded me of Snuffleupagus. I love anyone who can remind me of my childhood in a positive way. <3
You’ve given me a good post to laugh and agree with in the middle of a really crappy week. So thanks for the letters.
You are damn sexy when you are snarky.
And one day you are going to make me one of your freaking awesome images. Cause they are freaking HILARIOUS!
OMG FREAK ME OUT!
My anti spam word was ‘sent73’ and I am watching Life on Mars…
Jessica — The anxiety and frustration has upset my sleep patterns as well. This post and a few bottles of wine solved that problem last night. We’re all angry and upset and to be told that we all need to pull together, that we need to spend as well as get out of debt, has me going out of my mind. None of the fat cats are thinking about saving anything but their asses as they spend all our money.
Kazuki — I love Snuffleupagus! Awww, thinking of him made me happy!
Kelley — Creating the photos is just as fun as blogging. And I LOVE Life on Mars! I think you and I comprise the fan club. I don’t know of anyone else who’s even heard of it.
OMG I think I almost peed myself. Batman’s Kool-Aide. HAHA I’ve heard Bale’s rant many times on the radio in the past several days and to this day I can’t keep up with the F-bombs. I love his accent though 
Sorry to hear you are so upset about whatever it is....
Bank of America blows my mind with their suckitude on a near-daily basis. I feel your pain, lady.
I think, “fuck you, world” pretty much covers it. I try to swallow my rage, or else I just cry.
I hate it when people are mean to cougars.
sara.jane — I still love Foul-Mouth Bale. However, I think I’d prefer to just look at him now. No need for him to say anything.
nancypearlwannabe — I would like to think that they’ll be held to account—but I don’t think so.
sunny — I would cry but it makes my eyes all puffy and it also gives you wrinkles.
Jenny, Bloggess — Thanks for visiting. People who are mean to cougars cannot be happy people.
I wish I could write as well as you do. I have a couple giant FUCK YOU letters to write. I just have to make that jump.
Sorry about my color screw up.... Feel free to revisit and buy away (for me...you)! Since you need to have a fuzzy to get over those anger issus!!
That second letter? I could have written it. And don’t forget that the interest you’re earning on that money that they’re keeping for you? Not the 401(k) variety...just the plain old savings account variety, is also being reduced on a regular basis. To pretty much 0.0000000000015%.
And I’m one of those good managers that they let go.
mcgood — Unresolved anger issues = good writing. Jump! Jump! You will feel much better afterward. Um, just don’t send the letters. I think that will cause more problems than they solve.
Jules — I love that red fuzzy. He made me laugh.
Ree — But you walked away with a gabillion dollar severance and bonus package, right? You’re writing this from your Cabo San Lucas condo, aren’t you! I didn’t even think to look at the notsavings accounts. Oh lordy.
My boss at work is in a bad mood and taking it out on me. My neighbors are fighting and, when I call them on it, basically tell me I should move. My good mood of the past few weeks has evaporated.
Fuck everybody.
You are so awesome.