I’ll Give You Descriptive Language!
I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed, under the gun, and out of sorts. Summer classes ended last week but I haven’t finished grading for my summer students because I’ve been working on syllabi, lesson plans, and reading for Fall classes that begin this week. I didn’t intend to leave everything until the last stressful minute and the whys and wherefores of how I came to be sitting at my desk at 10:30 this evening with Mr. Dingo looking for dinner and Dingo Girl doing the pee dance and tugging on her leash by the door are irrelevant. What is relevant is that I am trying to figure out how I’ve been to meeting after meeting after meeting at the school this last week and not-a-one of them has been informative in any way. Sure, I’ve learned how to use technology in the classroom and can now include the new grading rubric that that the school is so gung-ho about, but will someone — ANYONE! — tell me why I have a sixty-page handbook for English Composition that includes nothing about what they actually want us to teach these kids?
In this desperate hour, I say “fuck ‘em.” I’m going to teach what I want. What is English Composition about if not how to communicate with someone else? So, this semester I’m going to teach my students important things. Things that are applicable to their everyday lives. For instance, in the analysis portion of the class, the kids are going to learn how to give directions like a true New Yorker. This skill is particularly important when sending out invitations to a rave or a top secret sample sale that you want all your homeys to know about. It’s also important that you can communicate this information in less than fifty characters because your Sidekick or cell phone screen will only display messages the length of the fortune in your cookie from Happy Fun Szechuan.
I think teaching them to use language that describes or explains how to perform a task is going to be the easiest lesson. Just this week I heard a young ‘un go into great detail about how to perform a seemingly complex task. The first student was telling her friend how to stop his two-year old sister from dropping his cell phone down the toilet. What follows is — no kidding — a near-perfect transcription of their conversation.
Young ‘un #1: You just beat ha’!
Young ‘un #2: Beat ha’?
Young ‘un #1: Yeah! Dat bitch mess wit my shit, I’d just beat ha! Bam! Bam! (slamming fist into palm). You have to teach them ‘spect and discipline.
Young ‘un #2: No shit, mothafucka! I’m gonna beat ha’ when I get home! Hey, when you gonna see you kid?
Young ‘un#1: Tomorrow. I gots to wait until my moms gets off work so she can take me to her daddy. She live wit ha’ daddy. Man, these supavised visits suck.
Young ‘un#2: Yeah. Dat suck. So, anyway, when I gets home, I’m gonna beat ha’.
Young ‘un#1: Yeah, beat ha!
Now, see? That was descriptive language to describe a process. If they had written that conversation in my class I think the grading rubric would give them an A. An A+ if they gave a presentation complete with Michael Jackson impersonations and demonstrative visual aids such as “Bam! Bam!” (slamming fist into palm).
No Fs this semester. If one of my students doesn’t get it, I will just beat ha’. This system is so versatile.
Posted on Monday, August 25, 2008 at 01:29 AM.
Tags: Little Red Schoolhouse
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Comments & Trackbacks
So corporal punishment made it back into the system… 
That’s just plain sad. Now, I’m no badass, but that is an excellent example of why certain gene pools need to be eradicated.
Sadly, the “ha” sounds like something we Massholes would say. Not necessarily in a “beat ha” sentence, but still.
I tell you, homeschooling has given me a whole new appreciation for teachers. And I’m just doing kindergarten!
Hmmm… don’t know whether to laugh or cry on this one.
Way too sad.
BTW… Michigan just redid their graduation requirements and their English requirements are a JOKE. I may send you the link…
this sounds brilliant. can I copy your syllabus?
I overheard a similarly ignorant and bizarre conversation regarding whether or not it was okay to use Clorox wipes on baby’s bottom instead of baby wipes.
Do you think it could be the same people?
Thank the powers that be that those visits are ‘supavised’.
Maybe you should pass out glittery gloves to liven up student presentations this semester? Just a suggestion…
Marjolein — Ha! I wouldn’t go up against that chick for nothin’! She was scary!
Jenny — You know what they say..."Some people have family trees with only one branch!”
nancypearlwannabe — With the school year about to start for you too, you may want to incorporate some beating into your daily schedule.
Memarie Lane — Kindergartners are a tough group! I definitely think you have the harder job.
Jen of a2eatwrite — It is sad. I wondered why the kids came to my literature class not knowing how to write and now I see why. We shove so much writing instruction into one semester. I don’t see how they can retain it all. Then again, many of them come to college without even basic writing skills.
sunny — Sure! Let’s see...first week we watch Freedom Writers. Second week, Dangerous Minds. Third week, Lean on Me. You get the idea…
Crissy — You mean there’s more people like them out there?! I hope it’s not some virus. Is stupid contagious?
Marian — Maybe we can have arts and crafts so the students can make their own gloves! Genius!
I’m down with the “no F’s” policy, but if they fuck up, ya gotta beat ‘em - dem kids needs consistency, yo. If dey’s beatin’ at home, day gotta be beatin’ in school.
I think you should add a lesson about covering the toilet in saran wrap to prevent little sisters from dropping things into it.
Good thing my daughter doesn’t know about your grading rubric-she would insist on moving. Really.
Does the handbook tell you how to properly fill out the scantrons? ‘Cuz that’s most important, you know. That and the #2 pencil requirement. Dingo, I have so much respect for you. Not only are you fighting a fight that I decided I could not, you’re keeping your sense of humor. Very admirable indeed!
I can’t even comment on the dialogue you heard.
Mrs. Chili, you’s crackin’ me up!
This sounds strikingly familiar to a conversation I had with one of my profs a couple years ago. They had just implemented graduation exams in school of communications at my Tiny Liberal Arts School, and, after 6 million different meetings on the subject they still failed to actually explain what they wanted taught. There was no explanation of what was going to be on the exam and no way of having each professor teach the same material when they were teaching the same course. The result? More than 70% of that class year failed the exam. They went through the same process the next year and the same thing happened. Both times they had to throw out the scores and let the students graduate anyway. *bangsheadagainstdesk*
Also, a good portion of my generation needs to be sterilized. Immediately.
p.s. sorry about the rant…
Mrs Chili — See, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!
Mel Heth — You know, that would work until he stumbled into the bathroom at 2am to potty. Then he’d blame his sister for having to put the saran wrap on the toilet. And then he’d have to beat ha’.
Kori — Moving further away from me? Or moving closer? Oh yeah, everyone wants a piece of Dingo.
April — It tells us things about how to log onto our web site. It gives us numbers to the Writing Center. I’m sure somewhere in there is how to debone a chicken with your bare hands and a tea bag—but NOWHERE in there does it tell us what to teach them!
Jenny — Mrs. Chili is a hoot. I’d love to be in one of her classes. Until she moved me to the front because I talked too much.
Rachel — Last semester, two weeks before classes ended, they decided that they wanted everyone to give a final exam. Oh, they also wanted all the mid-terms and in-class work from the students in order to do department assessments. Two weeks before classes ended. They didn’t get the ones for my class.
Kids these days are sooo smart. Of course, beat ha’. The answer is so obvious.
I swear - reading all of these teacher back to school posts makes me cringe - and wonder if I really want to make it my second career.
hmm… I’m think you might want to stick to English composition with these guys… haha. I was an English major in college and it still kills me to hear and see the language butchered on a daily basis. Just kills me!
Ah, yes. Kinda makes you look forward to growing old, knowing those kids will be running the country and responsible for your social security and medicaid, doesn’t it? *wistful sigh*
Megkathleen — I wonder if I can have one of those pits like they had in “300” so I can push students into it when they misbehave. I have dreams of wearing a leather kilt thingy and breastplates and yelling “THIS. IS. COLLEGE!” Is that weird?
Ree — It’s amazing how many things get in the way and make teaching so much more complicated than it needs to be.
MsCatalysta — I know, right?
GeekHiker — It is rather scary. I hope that the students that I have who are incredible, motivated, and intelligent will wrest control from the idiots—but we’ll see.
I am now laughing so hard my coworkers are no-doubt giving me their “WTF is wrong with her again” looks. Again.
justrun — “WTF” looks are okay. If you hear any of them saying, “Someone needs to beat ha’,” you should run.
Um, what do you teach again?
Oh, and apropos of nothing: Three days in a row now I have found myself behind the same little Toyota something-or-other on the way to work with what on the license plate? D-I-N-G-O. Are you stalking me?
I think I’m going to start saying beat ha’ in every day conversation.
Wait...did he refer to his TWO YEAR OLD SISTER as a bitch? I think you have to do more than just drop cellies in the can to earn that title. Have they not seen “The Bad Girls Club”??
If you are going to adopt beatings into your rubic, make sure to include beatings from academic advisors as extra credit! Double credit if I get to beat parents.
Tress — Intro to Literature and English Composition. Um, if you are behind the little Toyota something-or-other then you are stalking ME!
Shamelessly Sassy — When Child Protective Services comes knockin’ because they think you are talking about your pretty l’il redhead darling, don’t blame it on me!
thecoconutdiaries — Oh, come on! You know those two year olds can be real be-otches! Extra credit beatings! I think we’re about to start a new fad in education.
The sad thing is, after giving out advice like “beat ha’” that chick probably doesn’t even get why it is that her visits ARE supervised.
stealthnerd — Sad, but true.
Now I have visions of juvenile thugs parading through the halls, singing “Just Beat Ha’....beat ha’...go to ha’ daddy’s house and beat ha’!”
It’s not a bad thing.
saratogajean — I think the only thing worse than having these kids a students would be having my school turn into a version of High School Musical—but in college.
This is a valuable and frightening commentary on our culture!