I’ll Make My Own Lemonade
I got back to NYC late last night. Woohoo! Now I can catch up with my blog reading and commenting and you can catch up with commenting on mine (comment-whore hint). Although Mom kept me busy shopping, cleaning out gutters, and installing an Odd Boy alert system, I managed to stick to my running schedule. But not without mishaps.
I went for a run yesterday and got lost. In a subdivision. What was supposed to be a three-mile run turned into a four-and-a-half-mile slog through a tangled knot of streets with names like Dancing Deer Lane, Dancing Deer Lane Court, and Dancing Deer Court Lane Partridge in a Pear Tree. Is it any wonder I got lost? I bet even Santa, being the deer expert that he is, loses his way in this neighborhood. I would feel bad for the poor toyless tykes of this neighborhood except not one of those little fuckers had a lemonade stand set up yesterday in the ninety-degree heat. What’s up with that? How do these kids make money? They can’t all be mowing lawns at $65 a pop. So, no lemonade yesterday, and thus I made sure that Santa will get lost in this neighborhood by switching all the street signs.
My running times were slower this week. It could have been because of the god awful humidity but it’s more likely the lack of snark material on my run. There was no one to distract me from my collapsing lungs. And the only change in scenery from one cookie cutter house to the next was the color of the Honda Civic in the driveways. I did not come across any other runners this week. There were kids on bikes, a few skateboarders, and one rollerblade. No, not someone on a pair of rollerblades but a kid peg-legging his way down the street on one rollerblade. It was so pathetic that I can’t muster a snide aside even now. Okay, I snarked a little at the time but it was so lame, I’m not even going to share it with you. I did see one old lady with a cane walking on the sidewalk. She did not look like she posed an OLWW-type threat. She was just going to the mailbox but I made a note to myself to keep an eye on her just in case.
I should’ve brought my iPod to help me pick up the pace but I’ve been running without it lately. Trying to keep the earbuds in my tiny ears was just too distracting and I like being able to hear my footsteps and my breathing. I can also hear the water sloshing around in the water bottle strapped to my waist. The fact that I have to use a bungee cord to get the thing around my waist is a drawback. It feels like a corset or an external gastric bypass. The waist belt is so tight that I can’t breathe much less drink. And if I’ve had any liquids in the last month or so, the pressure of the belt as it jostles my waistline sends ripples to my bladder making sure that I have to pee when I am at the furthest point away from home. Being one to plan not only for zombie invasions but other worst-case scenarios, I have this potentially embarrassing situation already figured out. First, drink all the water. Then, pee in the water bottle, relieving my bladder, and, finally, make some money in the process by selling it as lemonade to some unsuspecting runner. These suburban kids may not know how to turn a buck but I am a survivor.
So, why did I buy a waist belt that was too small? It was on sale at Target. Duh!
Speaking of Tar-zhay — and I always seem to be speaking of Tar-zhay — as Mom and I were walking to our car at the very back of the parking lot earlier this week, I made the non-judgmental observation that the people here seem very, very out of shape. Especially compared to the people in NYC. I think it’s because the people in NYC walk so freakin’ much. And then there’s running after cabs, so even if you do end up taking the cab across town, the brief sprint to beat out the guy on crutches trying to carry two bags of groceries counts as both cardio and strength training — and you get some resistance training in there too if you have to hold the door closed as he tries to yank it open. No, this did not happen to me. I just saw it happen to others a few times. Really! And if it had been me, I would’ve pushed the guy down on the way to the cab so that there was no chance he could come after me. And that counts as contact sport training, too. Anyhoodle....
You know, one of the most humbling and encouraging lessons that I’ve learned is that fat does not mean unfit. I have about @&! pounds to lose and when I started running I thought that people would wonder what this chunky monkey was doing taking up space when there were real runners trying to get by. And you know what? Some of those real runners were much, much bigger than I was and they blasted by me on the running trail without even breaking a sweat or breathing hard. It boosted my confidence in a fucked up kind of way because, as they zoomed by me, I wondered what those chunky monkeys were doing taking up space when there were real chunky monkey’s trying to get by. Even though I haven’t lost much weight, I feel so much stronger and more confident. In fact, I am confident that, if ever faced with a cab duel with a guy on crutches carrying two bags of groceries, I could not only beat him to the cab but I could hold the door closed without so much as breaking a nail in the process.
The second most important thing I’ve learned from running is how to spit. Oh, don’t twist your face up like that. Before I began running I would throw an undisguised look of disgust at runners who spit. I usually watched the Ironman from the comfort of my couch, but occasionally cheered marathoners as they passed by during an early happy hour. As I double-fisted a high quality brew like Natural Light while maintaining my balance on a bar stool barely bigger than one ass cheek, I was certain that, while I may not have been fit, at least I had class. Now, however, I understand. No matter how dry your throat feels or how dehydration has caused your eyeballs to shrivel up like raisins and rattle in their sockets, there will be a nasty loogie waiting at the back of your throat. It must be expelled. Yes, that’s gross, but so is swallowing the loogie. Do you want to swallow the loogie? No, I didn’t think so. I’ve learned two cardinal rules of spitting:
1) Do not spit directly in front of you, especially if it is windy. It is very important that you turn your head to your side.
2) Make sure there is no one running by your side.
This wasn’t such a concern here in the ‘burbs but it’s something to keep in mind if you ever run the loop around the Reservoir in Central Park. Helpful tips, I gots ‘em.
Posted on Wednesday, July 02, 2008 at 11:00 AM.
Tags: It's All Relative, In The Neighborhood, La Vida Loca, Leaps and Pounds, Marathon Madness
no trackbacks
Submit your trackback to http://www.asiwassaying.com/index.php/trackback/73/9xLDZcc9/
- Enjoy this post? Share it with others:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Comments & Trackbacks
A high quality brew like Natural Light? Brilliant.
I’ve yet to jump on the spitting bandwagon. I actually don’t remember feeling like I needed to spit during my long runs, but maybe that’s because I was drinking the loogies down with all that water I consumed. Or maybe it’s my fear that if I tried to spit mid-run, I’d end up with a string across my face or something that wouldn’t detach that I’d have to slurp back up. Now I’ve grossed even myself out. Thanks for the technique tips, though.
mmmmm natty light. Beer of champions.
I spit off my bike sometimes. You are very right about being careful about where you spit though. I accidentally spit on some guy’s windshield once. He wasn’t very happy with me. What can I say? I am nothing if not a classy gal.
aaaaand slight subject change: I’m interested in starting to run. I bike a ton right now, and I’m a great swimmer, so if I can just get my chunky-monkey-self running I think doing a triathlon might actually be a possibility. Any tips for getting started running if you never have before?
I think you just found a job for OddBoy! He could either jog behind runners with a copper spittoon bucket for sell spiked lemonade in the neighborhood. I’m sure his dad has something in the back of his Tax-on-Wheels Mystery Machine that he could use!
I meant to say “OR sell spiked lemonade”. Because lemonade made out of spittoon leftovers is just not sanity.
how about “sanitary”. I just can’t type today!
Mel Heth — Wow, now you’ve grossed me out.
Rachel — I cannot swim. I can splash around in the water but once it goes over my head I just float on my back until the Coast Guard comes to rescue me. I would love to have confidence in the water.
My friend who started me on this running thing is a tri-athlete. She used and recommended The Non-Runner’s Marathon Trainer by David Whitsett. It’s the one I’m using and I love it.
thecoconutdiaries — “Lemonade,” “spittoons,” and “Odd Boy” should never be used in the same sentence. It is neither sanity nor sanitary. You were right both times.
I love to spit; all of my kids also spit. There are rules: do not spit out the open car window if you are in the front eat and the back window is also open; it hits the passengers and they get pissed. Do not spit at or in or just outside of church; the old ladies look badly upon that. Do not spit AT a person. That said, none of us are runners but it is still ultimately satisfying. And no, I don’t want to swallow the loogy. Ugh.
I’m a fitness instructor. I’ve been a fitness instructor for something like 8 years now. I teach step and yoga and I’ve taught strength and water aerobics. I weigh !$% pounds and have for EVER. At one point, I was teaching 11 classes a week. ELEVEN! Three step classes, four strength classes, two water aerobics classes and two yoga classes and I STILL weighed !$% pounds. That’s where my body wants to be, dammit, and no amount of exercise or healthy eating is going to change it.
I’ve learned to love it or, at the very least, live with it.
Glad you made it back to NYC! There’s no doubt that the walking makes most NYers in better shape than many. Yet ANOTHER reason that we need better public transportation systems and get our ever-widening butts OUT of our cars!
Here is a question: have you seen those Camelbak things? And - do they look stupid on people who are trying to run? Are they just for hikers? Because sometimes I take mine along with me and it’s very convenient. Other times, I just carry a bottle of water with me. I have yet to decide what is less stupid-looking.
Also, I am laughing at the peg-legged roller-blader in my head right now, and at Dancing Deer Court Lane Partridge et al.
Also, HOW in the name of sweet little baby Jesus do you run without an iPod?!?!? I would die. Literally.
Perhaps you should ask Odd Boy to come running with you, for the added snark factor.
If I ever come to NYC, will you teach me the art of cab-fighting? Will it become an Olympic Sport one day?
I rarely feel the need to spit on a hike, but running, oh heck yeah. And I had the same realization you did. Same reaction to the exercise thing: I feel in better shape, but still have the lbs. to lose.
Frack. My comments are becoming as dull as my posts…
Sweet! Learning to spit while running is like a right of passage. Like a marathon, but no pain.
spitting is not as bad as blowing the snot out of your nose onto the ground when you don’t have a tissue. i’ve never done this myself but i’ve (unfortunately) seen it done, usually by old men. but back to spitting - when i was about 12 or so there was a girl who would always call me a *$&% polack and other lovely names. one day i got so mad that i just spit at her - a perfect gooey loogie - and it landed right in her ear. bullseye!
ps - sounds like geekhiker is a battlestar galactica fan. cool, there are others out there like me.
Kori — I often feel like spitting in church, but I don’t think my Mom would approve. And yes, spitting can be immensely satisfying. I wanna come to your house. We’ll have a contest!
Mrs. Chili — Your comment just justified why I can eat the chocolate chip cookie that is sitting unprotected on Mr. Dingo’s desk right now. I’ll go for a four-mile run this evening and for the next few evenings and I will weigh the same thing on Sunday. So I should just eat the cookie, right?
Jen of a2eatwrite — I agree completely. Better mass transit and bike lanes would help a lot.
Lara — I’ve seen plenty of runners with Camelbaks. I prefer not to use them because I don’t want anything that will trap heat against me. They hold lots of water though so I may just break down and get one when my milage starts to get into the double digits.
Right now I’m only up 4-5 miles so I don’t miss having an iPod. Everyone I have talked to has told me that as my runs start to get longer, I will go crazy without one. Many of the 10K, Half-Marathon, and Marathon races are starting to ban iPods, though, so I don’t want to get used to having one and then not be able to use it for a race.
GeekHiker — I know so several people who’ve lost tons of weight running, hiking, etc. I hate them. As for cab-fighting, I’d love to teach you. But unless you can punch old ladies and push strollers into oncoming traffic, I don’t think it’s the extreme sport for you.
justrun — I think they should give medals and monetary awards for spitting just like they do for marathons. It’s only fair.
blakspring — blakspring, meet geekhiker. geekhiker, meet blakspring. there, talk about Battlestar Gallactica amongst your nerdy selves. And a gooey *$&% polack loogie sounds like just the thing your nemesis needed (although I think it breaks one of Kori’s rules for spitting).
Holy hell girlie, I am gonna have to almost hate YOU with all the running. I have tried and tried and TRIED and I just can’t do it without wanting to kill myself.
Am jealous.
I am your Tri-athlete friend...AKA Wheaties. I, too, am a spitter. I have found that I spit more after the swim portion. I have also found that I spit better to the left than the right. Sometimes I get the urge to spit off the second floor at school, or the mall...just to see how good I can aim. Just recently I have quit running with my ipod as well. After awhile, my music annoys me, then I get mad. Looking forward to October! I will not discuss blowing my nose on the run....
elise — Puh-leeze, no need to hate. I do not actually LIKE running but there are moments during my run when I LOVE it. Does that make any sense? I am always glad after a run because of the way I feel but sometimes, dragging my butt to the running track takes so. much. effort.
Pick up the fork — Hi Wheaties!!!!! Welcome to the blogosphere—everyone, go check out Wheaties’s blog! I’ve been following her progress through her emails and now I can leave snarky comments for all to see on her blog.
I am so glad you are going to be running with me in October. If we don’t have iPods we can sing. You bring the microphone/spoon.
Yes, i will bring the spoon! Are you going to use your thumb?
Pick up the Fork — Of course! When your thumb is your microphone, all the world is your stage. I think I’m going to have to write a post about our singing exploits and the bleeding eardrums we’ve caused in our listening audiences.
Looking forward to the post about our singing. Don’t forget about the audience that was next to you in a car watching you sing Reba’s “Fancy” into your thumb.
You started it!
Mel Heth — I know you are, but what am I?
I love chunky monkey ice cream.
I just thought you should know.
Crissy — I will keep that in mind. Perhaps we should have some Chunky Monkey with some Chubby Hubby? And then put on our bikinis and go to the beach!
Pick up the Fork — Shhhhh!!! Do not reveal all. Dingo must remain mysterious and alluring or her readers will not keep coming back!
hello there missy- sorry for being a little mia lately- i have some catching up to do! wicked good on you with all the running! ha, i love your “non-judgemental observation” about the people in the parking lot. hey, no one ever said people watching is a bad thing. i do the spitting too- not gross, it’s the facts!
Dude, you have so lost your running partner if you ever hawk a loogie on me...I will make damn sure to run upwind from you!
brookem — Hi Girlie! You’ve been a bit busy lately. I am living vicariously through your posts.
Marian — Run upwind and on my right. For some reason I always spit to the left.
That sucks about getting lost! I wouldn’t mind so much if I was in a car, but being on foot makes the process so much worse (especially when you have to backtrack). :(