I’m Sm’all Ears
I have small ears. Tiny ears. Bat-sized ears. No, fish size ears. Have you ever seen a fish’s ears? No, because they’re too small. That’s how small my ears are. In college, after a night of drunken revelry, my inebriated friends used to like to take out a ruler and measure my ears. Boy howdy, what passed for fun in my Texas college town would fill a book, or at least a small Post-it note. So here I am, many, many years later with my tiny ears. To tell you the truth, until now these ears o’ mine have never been a problem. However, lately, I’ve been cursing these tiny flaps of cartilage attached to the side of my head. Wouldn’t it be great if we could exchange facial features like Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Sometimes, just for kicks, I would put my eyes in the back of my head.
The problem I’ve encountered in the past few weeks is finding headphones that fit. I’ve tried every size of earbuds imaginable but they always fall out of my tiny ears. Well, they don’t actually fit inside my ears so I have to sort of wedge them along the outer ridges. But I spend an unreasonable amount of time pushing my earphones back in while I’m running. I am sure that people I pass think, “Why does she keep hitting herself in the side of her head like that?” No, you dumbasses, I am not a high-functioning autistic, I am just trying to keep my earphones from falling out of my eraser-sized ears. On the other hand, I’ve also collected a lot of change from tourists who think I’m a street performer doing the Macarena. That knowledge will come in handy when I’m in Europe and I’ve run out of coins for the public restrooms. Anyway, I’ve looked for smaller ear buds but can’t find the right fit. Probably because if I get them any smaller than the ones I have now, they’ll be the size of Tic-Tacs.
Apparently my ears are so small that the woman who cut my hair this weekend decided that my ears should be liberated from the prison of my unruly locks. For some reason the woman insisted on blow-drying my hair, although I never wear it straight, and then cutting it. She said something about being able to see the lines and angles or whatever. Um, I have curly hair. No lines, no angles, just curls, waves, corkscrews, and general mayhem. I should’ve stabbed her with her scissors and made a break for the door, but I didn’t. I’m only big, bad, and confrontational in my head. My big ol’ punkin head. Yes, I have a big head. Tiny ears. Big head. Sounds like a Discovery Health documentary, doesn’t it? Something that’s aired right after the touching family saga about the midgets little people people shorter than everyone else.
Anyway, I told Sweeny Todd that if she insisted on cutting my hair while it was straight to remember that my hair shrinks up A LOT when it’s curly and dry. She didn’t listen. And so now everyone can see my tiny ears. Oh, and the hair cut? Yeah, it accentuates my ginormous punkin’ head. It sticks out from my head like a nimbus, or rather, a giant dandelion puff. I wish I could borrow Mr. Potato Head’s hat. Hey, if the hat can fit Mr. Potato Head, it should be able to fit Ms. Dingo Punkin’ Head, right? I bitched and moaned all day yesterday. Mr. Dingo said that it wasn’t that bad but the sideways glances he kept taking at my noggin had me convinced that he was either looking at my tiny ears or trying to gauge how long it would take my hair to grow back so that he could be seen with me in public. He kept saying that it wasn’t that bad but when I went to take Dingo Girl for her walk he urged me to wear my hat.
So, I called the salon and bitched, bitched, bitched. I’m supposed to go see the owner who will try to fix what can be fixed and maybe offer some consolation for the loss of almost four inches of hair — free coloring or deep conditioning would lessen the pain. But you know what? Life can be a sneaky bitch. I washed my hair this morning and didn’t look at it again until later in the evening when I was on my way to meet a friend for drinks after class. I was trying to decide whether to go with the baseball cap or the Jackie O type scarf when I looked in the mirror. And holy hell y’all, my hair looked kinda cute. Tiny ears n’ all.
So what am I supposed to do? I mean, my hair does not look like I expected or wanted it to, and yes, it does need to be evened out where Edward Scissorhands decided to use the back of my head as her fantasy playground, but it doesn’t look as bad as I made it out to be when I called them yesterday. If I get out of the shower tomorrow morning and my hair looks even better than it did today, do not think that I am above saving face by having Mr. Dingo take a kitchen knife to my ‘do. Oh yes, I’ll go there.
Posted on Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 02:35 AM.
Tags: La Vida Loca, Leaps and Pounds
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Comments & Trackbacks
you know how there’s always that one thing (or ten) that drive you crazy about yourself but the truth is that no one else notices because it actually is ok. but in your own mind it gets blown up so huge until you feel like that is all anyone will see. (yeah, i speak from experience.)
i’m not saying that your ears are not small - i’m sure they are if you’re having headphone problems - but i’ll bet you look perfectly fine with your ears showing. so show off those ears, girl. expose them with pride.
but if the stylist went against your wishes, or botched the job, then you should complain. a haircut is subjective - even if it looks “good” but doesn’t make you feel good then that is your perogative.
(i will get off my soapbox now, leaving you with bobby brown stuck in your head. sorry.)
Johnny Depp is my FAVORITE. He even looks hot with scissorhands and when he’s murdering people and making them into meat pies.
I feel your pain with the ear malformation. I have a very tiny head (18-24 months size to be exact) and on it are two ears, one normal, one shaped like Dr. Spock’s. My “Spock ear” as I call it, turns beet red when I’m nervous. The other stays a normal color.
And I’d just never go back to the salon.
Crissy, I will totally fight you for Johnny. And that my favorite Photoshop job yet!
I’ve had good luck with http://www.headphone.com/
I hate ear buds - I need things strapped to my head when I run. Don’t know what to say about the hair. Hit them up for the conditioning and never go back?
Hot earrings. And tell the owner you don’t want anymore cut off....do not “fix” it, but you would like that deep conditioning treatment.
blakspring — Thank you for your encouragement but in that photo above, well, that really is my head and those really are my ears. I live in constant fear of Halloween.
Crissy — I love me some Johnny Depp, too! Even if all the tabloids say he’s stinky. They’re just jealous. As for the Spock ear ha ha ha I’m sorry to hear about that.
Studentloans — I will have to try those headphone thingys. They might work. Just in case, I have Mr. Dingo working on connecting my headphones to Tic-Tacs. He’d be done by now but I keep eating the prototype.
Ree — I’m kinda afraid to let them near my head again with scissors. I don’t know about you, but I hear that Sweeny Todd is mild compared to NYC hairdresses who hold a grudge. But yes, I will definitely push for the conditioning treatment.
hello dear!
hmm. okay so you have a small ear issue. methinks it could be worse. you could have HUGE! ears! that totally stick out. my mind wandered to this question- do you wear earrings? because if you have small cute little ears, i bet some tiny little studs would look really cute.
anyway, about the hair (my forte!)… im glad it is working for you a little bit now that a couple days have gone by. you know, it NEVER looks like it does when you style it compared to the salon’s work. if you still are up for going back, id maybe suggest saying you want to try a highlight or something. id take advantage of the fix-up that they are offering you. bottom line, they still left you with a look you’re not wicked thrilled with, and if they’re offering to do something to fix it up, maybe a highlight is a good option?
yikes. i apologize for the NOVEL i wrote here!
Umm, I do believe we need to see pictures. Like, stat.
brookem — I went to the salon today and because when face to face with the salon owner I am a wuss, I let them take scissors to it again. I will try to post an update this evening.
NPW — Did you not see the pumpkin with small ears in the photo above? Yeah, that’s me.
As a girl with bigger ears (and one that is higher than the other), I would gladly take your smallies. My older brother and sister used to make me do ear-to-ear measuring...and even though I’m several years younger than both of them...I almost always won. Viva la small ears!
Oh and thanks for stopping by my site! 
Mel Heth — Viva la small ears, indeed, my friend! One ear higher than the other, huh? If I knew you a bit better I would totally make fun of you (just ask Crissy of the Spock ears) but your day will come, my dear, it will come, I say!
Let me know how your 1/2 marathon goes!
Ok, I know this is an old post but good advice is always welcome in my opinion. I have a gihugic nose so I feel your pain… Sorta… In a different way. Anyway, point being, I think you should try Skullcandy: http://www.skullcandy.com/shop/headphones-c-42.html
I’ve been using their earbuds for the last year or two and they’re amazing. Great sound, and they come with different sizes of gel covers so hopefully they have a size that fits you. You may already have found a pair you like but, like I said, good advice…
Good luck!