It’s Like A Bad Rockwell Video
Are you tired of my excuses for not posting? Well, only that one excuse – the thesis. Are you tired of it yet? Yeah, me too. So we won’t talk about it, shall we? Okay, since you asked, just one more thing: It’s almost done! It’s been approved by my first and second readers and is on its way to my third and final reader right now. Knowing that the deadline is rapidly approaching, I wanted to nudge my third reader a little but not seem overbearing. I left her a nice little note with my draft that says, “Thank you for your time. If you do not approve this thesis, I WILL CUTCHU!” And there’s a smiley face at the end. Do you think the smiley face is a bit much? Too in-your-face maybe?
I feel as if I’ve been in a bubble the past few weeks. A bubble occasionally burst by important stress relievers like pot excessive amounts of booze Grey’s Anatomy and Top Chef. Unfortunately, my social life has been very limited. I’ve seen the laundry guy and Bean, the Mexican food delivery dude, but that’s about it. With Mr. Dingo working so much, Dingo Girl has been my connection to the outside world. We’ve spent so much time together that I’ve started to sniff people’s butts in greeting rather than go in for the obligatory air kiss. You’ll have to forgive me for another Dingo Girl post because right now, folks? It’s all I got.
Anyway, taking Dingo Girl out for her frequent constitutionals is sometimes the only thing that gets me away from my paper and out of the apartment. For those of you who don’t have a dog in the city, let me tell you, you will be amazed how your circle of associates and psychopaths expands when you walk your dog. Everyone knows Dingo Girl and wants to pet her. Dingo Girl, however, is like her mama. She’s a snob. If you smell like patchouli, or wear socks with flip-flops, or push a shopping cart laden with bells, wind chimes, and questionable organic matter, she gives you wide berth. Sometimes, however, interacting with the crazies of this world is unavoidable.
There’s this one guy who acts as some sort of security guard for the store on the corner. I say he acts like a security guard because most of the time he’s in front of the store smoking and drinking coffee. He always says hello to Dingo Girl. Hearing her name, she’ll pause and in the brief millisecond before she realizes that it’s Creepy Security Guard Wannabe and that he’s one of those people her mama has warned her about and she should run, he engages me in chit-chat. I would love to ignore him and breeze right by, but my gnarly New York City exterior belies my Southern Girl Heart. I just can’t be rude. It’s like the Eleventh Commandment or something: “Y’all, Don’t Be Rude”. It comes right after the Tenth Commandment: “Eat Grits, Y’all.”
I can’t say exactly what it is about him that gives me the creeps. It might be his knock off Members Only jacket, or how he pops the collar of his security guard shirt, or it just might be that he monitors my every activity. Every time I walk by he has something to say. Something beyond the normal, “My, Dingo, you look stunning today. And smart. You look incredibly smart. ” See, that type of normal stuff I’m used to and can smile graciously while offering to sign an autograph or two. Creepy Security Guard Wannabe, however, notices odd stuff.
“You’re carrying your backpack on your left shoulder today. You usually carry it on your right.”
It’s true. I do usually carry it on my right shoulder but why does he know that?!
”You look good in blue.”
Innocent enough, right? Wrong! My black coat was buttoned up and I was wearing a lavender scarf. If Creepy Security Guard Wannabe has X-ray vision, I may have to buy lead underwear.
But perhaps the eeriest comment of all:
“I noticed Mr. Dingo leaving the apartment this morning with suitcases. He must be going on a long trip. Do you like to be alone?”
That is just fucking creepy. I didn’t think anything of it (other than the creepiness factor) until later that evening. The night before Mr. Dingo left on his trip we watched The Strangers. I don’t want to give the story away so let’s just say that it’s a scary-assed story about a home invasion. But merely saying it’s about a home invasion is like saying Saw is about a man who liked puzzles.
So there I am that evening taking a study break and playing tug-of-war with Dingo Girl when she suddenly stops and perks up her ears. I didn’t hear anything and after a few seconds she went right back to playing. The next thing I know, Not a Dingo comes barreling out the bedroom past me and Dingo Girl as if Curiosity is chasing her with a sickle. Now, my back is facing the bedroom. The moment I see the blur of fur and claws that is Not a Dingo run past me, Dingo Girl sits straight up, growling, hackles raised, death in her eyes, and looks behind me. Toward the bedroom. *cue horror movie music*
I freeze. Just freeze. And I whisper to Dingo Girl, “You are not about to tell me that someone is behind me, are you?” My rational self is saying that no one is in the apartment. My irrational self is saying that, somehow, Creepy Security Guard Wannabe scaled five flights on the front of a building that faces a busy street and entered the apartment through a locked window. That would not be the astounding part. What would have amazed me is if he had managed to climb through the window without knocking over the stack of books, laundry, and moldy coffee cups on the nightstand. So, I did what every horror movie heroine does. I pretended that all was right in the world while saying oh so nonchalantly, “Well, Dingo Girl, I guess it’s time for your dinner. I’ll just go into the kitchen….” Where I immediately grabbed the biggest knife I could find and huddled against the kitchen window.
Yes, I realize there are several things wrong with that scenario. One, my back was against the kitchen window. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Everyone knows the bad guy is going to reach through the window and grab me. Two, there’s not a clean dish in the house. The knife I grabbed was crusted with whatever I had for dinner the night before. My intruder was more likely to die from botulism than blood loss if I ever got within stabbing range. Three, my study break was over and I had to get back to revising my thesis. So, with knife in hand I braved the living room once again where I found Dingo Girl and Not a Dingo asleep on the couch.
Bitches.
It seemed that Creepy Security Guard Wannabe was somehow thwarted in his efforts, but there’s always tomorrow. I just know that he has a cellar somewhere and wants to add me to his collection. I watch all the serial killer movies, I know how this stuff works.
Posted on Tuesday, December 02, 2008 at 03:34 AM.
Tags: In The Neighborhood, Dingo Girl, La Vida Loca, Little Red Schoolhouse, Not a Dingo, Oh the Horror!
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Comments & Trackbacks
Oh… I can just see Mr. Creepy Security Guard. I think he works at many of the party stores/delis/corner stores around NYC. He moves with incredible speed and makes creepy comments. He’s good at it.
Congrats so much on passing 2 of the 3 readers. That absolutely rocks!
My NYC/non-NYC life keeps being confusing. Write me at jenshaines @ gmail dot com and maybe we can find a way to meet up for one of the trips.
What is the thesis on?
You don’t have to be nice and polite to anyone. If he creeps you out just ignore him. Wear earphones and if you’re going that way look down to Dingogirl and pretend he’s not there. A good old fashioned snub may be in order to stop his forward and unwanted attention.
I seem to attract the creepies too. I simply say “I don’t want to talk to you.” and if they persist I walk away. I don’t tend to get male creepies, but Creepy Ladies. That smell of pee. And musty mothballed clothes. And have some sort of food particles in their whiskers.
DON’T go in the basement, whatever you do!
dingo baby, you’re back. i was getting worried. i had some pie that i was bringing over. i managed to scale the front of your building but the window was locked and dingo girl wouldn’t let me in. then i saw some psycho with a giant crusty knife and decided to get the hell out of there. weird.
“Not a Dingo comes barreling out the bedroom past me and Dingo Girl as if Curiosity is chasing her with a sickle.”
Oh mahholyhell. That line made me sort coffee. I am in complete awe of your writing ability. That thesis must rock.
Do you like to be alone?!!?! Girl, I hope you sleep with kitchen knives under your pillow.
Oh honey. You...yes you need to get out more.
Without Dingo Girl.
Maybe with some people who don’t sniff butts as a greeting. I don’t know anybody like that but I’m sure you know one.
Jen of a2eatwrite — I send you an email and we’ll meet up when you get here. I’ll give you an earful about my thesis. You’ll never see Gothic Literature the same way again. And you may never want to hear about Gothic Literature again.
Lyvvie — I try to ignore them and then I feel guilty. If they are being obscene, I may launch a “Fuck You” in their direction. I think that’s in the Southern Belle codicil.
Shania — If I do go into the basement I’ll take a flashlight in a cellphone; both of which I am sure will work.
blakspring — Was it pecan pie? Damn! I always miss the best stuff because of stalkers.
Ree — A thesis written in less than three weeks doesn’t rock as much as it sinks like a rock.
nancypearlwannabe — And under the couch, and under my desk, and under the coffee table…
keng — I’ll try to think of someone. Maybe I’ll put my withering social skills to the test this weekend.
...and coming down the home stretch, we have Dingo, followed closely by I Think My Fingers May Fall Off, with Holy Hell I Caught Myself Watching QVC For Four Straight Hours bringing up the rear.
Congratulations on being *this* close to being done w/your thesis.
I’m going to read this post to Ernie in the hopes that he will learn to less accepting of the unwashed and/or creepy. Seriously, if you have an asshole, clean or dirty, he wants to meet you. Or if you have a lazy eye, smell like pee, or just got in a fight with your imaginary friend(s).
BTW, there are no bad Rockwell videos.
He didn’t seem that creepy until the knockoff Members Only Jacket. Run!
Also, I love grits.
I love grits, too, but after our CSG incidents? Run. Really. That IS creepy. But so is a botulism-encrusted knife, so....glad to hear from you!
saratogajean — Dingo Girl is so picky about who she’ll let pet her and who she won’t. Sometimes it’s embarrassing but I always trust her judgment. No bad Rockwell videos? I don’t know what to say about that except that you’ve just lost 2 points on the cool scale.
Tress — It wasn’t until I moved to NYC that I realized that grits was not a breakfast staple for everyone.
Kori — Seriously! I thought about you when he asked whether I liked being alone. Everything else I kinda brushed off but that made my skin crawl.
I think that Creepy Security Guard was an Odd Boy as a child. He’s your flash of exactly who Odd Boy may grow up to be. I can’t believe he asked you if you liked being alone...I would’ve totally hired a real security guard for myself after that one.
When the Almighty Thesis is done, can you publish it online somewhere so we can all read it? After you told me the premise, I was totally intrigued!
Don’t worry....I just read/saw “Twilight” and I KNOW that Edward will come around the corner in his shiny Volvo and save you from the Security Guard. But he might eat your dog.
those animals are totally messing with you. just wait till they recruit all the pigeons, squirrels, and other rodents you have misguidedly named…
Lock your doors! What a creepy creep, I had one of those at the Big Box Store I used to frequent. He actually worked there and would follow me throughout the store. Though I’m not as polite as you and told him to stop creeping me out, I’m blunt that way.
Just think, instead of intruder you might have a ghost. You know pets can see them! Sleep well tonight dreaming of ghosty ghosts roaming around your bedroom.
SO creepy! He obviously has a camera in your apt or something. or watches you in the elevator.....ick!
Did you check your closet?! What if he is STILL hiding in your closet? I’m worried. That guy sounds very creepy.
I just saw that movie last week! I live alone though so I didn’t have someone returning soon to notice I would be gone if murdered. No, I’m alone and people would have taken three weeks to notice I didn’t call them or come back home for break. I also watched it at midnight so it was double-dark and the nice (hillbillies like in the movie) neighbors next door were acting slightly suspicious as always.
I love you CoconutDiaries for making a Twilight reference!! You’re my favorite now!!
That is truly creepy. You might want to find a different route to walk with Dingo Girl for a while. Ewww.
OMG, OMG, OMG, for sho on the creepy! Whoever said those kinds of observations and comments were kind or observant or, OMG, romantic, has never had a real stalker. Ew.
Maybe they were chasing a mouse… or maybe I’m thinking that because EVERY LITTLE NOISE I hear lately I think is a mouse. Ugh.
But “death by botulism knife”? That gave me a mighty chortle. 
Were you wearing stilettos and lingerie?
Okay, Innernetz, y’all are freaking me out. This creepy but apparently harmless guy has now turned into Ted Bundy in my mind. I should probably mace him on the way to work this morning just for good measure.
Mel Heath — That’s funny! I also made the Odd Boy comparison. As for reading the thesis, no way. All I can say is that it’s written, not that it’s well-written.
thecoconutdiaries — Now you’ve gone and corrupted my blog with a “Twilight” reference. I may have to have you banned.
sunny — And you still haven’t met Napoleon or Mr. Beakman… But I agree, I think Dingo Girl and Not a Dingo are in cahoots.
Toe — Does the ghost happen to look like Patrick Swayze? That I can handle.
Maxie — Now that is fucking creepy. I’d better not find myself on Youtube singing in the shower and shaving my legs.
Megkathleen — If he can actually fit in my closet I may hire him to organize my shoes and sweaters.
Kazuki — Aww, Kazuki, I’d notice you were missing and send coconutdiaries to check on you.
Tara R. — I did that for a while. You know what he said, “I noticed you were walking Dingo Girl in the other direction.”
justrun — It’s only romantic in the movies and Sting videos. It’s just crazy and scary in real life.
GeekHiker — Now I don’t know which is scarier: Creepy Security Guard Wannabe or a mouse in the apartment.
April — Of course! Doesn’t everyone wear stilettos and lingerie at home?
HI DINGO!!! You can sniff my butt in lieu of air kissing......it won’t offend me.
Also, GHOST HUNTERS tonight on the sci fi channel----watch it. It’ll add to your fun and frivolity!!!!
I recommend a good adult beverage (of your choice) while watching. It helps the creep factor. And it’s an excuse to have an adult beverage!!!
Look. Dingo Girl is appropriately ready to save you from anyone and anything. You can trust her! And the world is full of creepy people. Sounds like this one has a touch of the mental and probably is so OCD that he notices the little things and so socially malnourished that he says the little things outloud that most people just think.
You’re a good city girl. You’ll know when the creep factor becomes too much. Really.
But this is coming from a girl who puts her scary books in the freezer at night so the zombies won’t come out of them and get her while she’s sleeping....
What? He’s friendly! He’s observant! Don’t judge!
I had a guy like that who worked at a coffee house near my old apartment. He was always asking me intrusive and unnervingly well-informed questions, and giving me twenty dollars too much change. When I would give it back, he would praise my honesty. I suspect if I had ever kept it, he would have attacked me in an alley.
Yeah, if my posts suddenly stop for more than a month come finde me. However, by then it may be too late. Either that or I’ve exiled myself to a deserted island and you’ll have to leave a message.
So finals are coming, wish me luck all. Good luck to those of you going into busy times too! And go Dingo Go!! Work that thesis into the ground!
Shelly — As if I need an excuse to have an adult beverage.
k8 — Oh, Kate! You must come to NYC and diagnose all the crazies on my block. It could be so much fun. And then, for dessert, we’ll have zombicicles.
flurrious — After he praised your honesty, did you tell him that you admired that he seemed so normal when he was on his meds?
Kazuki — You are going to have to be more specific. How am I gonna know if you need rescuing or if you just need your umbrella drink topped off? Good luck on your finals!!
Oh that would just creep me out completely!! Good thing you’re still here to blog about it. 
I am freaked out by Creepy Security Guard Wannabe, and I’ve never even met him. Carry pepper spray.
I wonder if Mr. Creepy Security guard is actually a doctoral student studying the extent to which his powers of creepy affect the behavior of his subjects. You and Dingo girl could be on a creeporama graph taped behind his creepy desk.
Not helping, am I? Let’s paint another scenario - he’s just lonely and you look like such a nice person he’s taken a personal but harmless interest in you…
Marjolein — Oh, I will keep you posted on his creepiness. Just yesterday I noticed he added a gold cap to one of his teeth.
Tova Darling — He seems like the type that would spray himself in the eyes on purpose just to build up his tolerance.
O’Mama — I’m going to latch onto the “harmless” part of your comment.
HUGE with the harmless. Puppies love him, Anyone you can call to check him out?
O’Mama — You would think a store would run a background check on someone they are hiring to be their security guard, right? As long as he doesn’t start following me down the block, I’m just going to cross the street before I reach his store.
Two suggestions.
1. Stop bathing. If he is really serious though, this won’t stop him.
2. Hint that you just obtained your “concealed carry” permit. Ask him if he notices the “Glock” under your jacket…
This guy I work with (which is a rarity in my field) likes to linger at my bedside. He totally doesn’t have my patient for the day and only asks me if I need anything. Then lingers for a few moments in complete silence staring at me, until I strike up a conversation about the weather or something equally awkward. He is older, and wears super tight scrub pants. . . such a weirdo. I’m not sure what half-marathon I will run, have you looked at any? I’m thinking somewhere warm but not too warm. Let me know what you find.
wow that IS creepy. Just buy a large stick and keep it around just in case. Or just call him out on his weird comments and say something like- hey man you’re a little creepy. Did you know that? He’ll be knocked totally off guard. I love doing crap like that.
The comments up to the one about Mr. Dingo’s departure seemed harmless (strangely observant, but harmless) But then, I watch all the serial killer movies, too, so we are probably overreacting.
Still, it might not hurt to get Dingo Girl to growl menacingly at him now and then....
You realize you’ve set yourself up to need to post daily now, right? So we know you’re not in a basement somewhere…
Hellooo -are you in thesis hell? Sending love and a cunning disguise…