Law and Disorder
Oh my holy hell, folks. I had planned to post earlier this week but once again, if they paved the road to hell with my intentions, we’d have a superhighway in no time at all. Of course, with the high price of gas and environmental impact of a new road, maybe I can forgo the highway to hell and trade my good intentions in for a six pack of Hop Devil Beer and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
I have been at The Cougar’s this week for her divorce hearing. I would like to write about how justice and fairness prevailed and that Jackass I will be writhing in torment for all eternity but I can’t. We did not have Judge Judy who would’ve given Jackass I the smack down he so deserves. No, we had Judge Reinhold. Wait a minute, you say! He’s not a real judge! He’s that dorky actor from Fast Times at Ridgemont High! That’s okay, we didn’t have a real judge either. And believe me, the comparison works because this judge was obviously smokin’ the ganja. In the end, although the court’s decision wasn’t fair, Mom will be okay financially.
The papers haven’t been finalized and submitted to the court yet so I don’t want to say anything that Jackass Spy can pour into Jackass I’s ear and foul things up. It has been a grueling week and I don’t know why I thought I’d be able to spend all day in court and then come home and blog.
I haven’t even had a chance to read your blogs! But I have been able to read your captions for the Go Find the Funny Contest. You guys are HILARIOUS! I was stuck in the waiting area for some of the hearing since, as a witness, I couldn’t listen to the testimony of other witnesses. Your comments kept me sane through the long wait and made me laugh out loud. Loud laughter in Family Court is often inappropriate. But in spite of the unhappy circumstances, there was much to laugh at; like the fact that one of the court police officers was cross-eyed. He wasn’t just mildly cross-eyed. Oh no! This guy’s right eye was so far to the left he looked like a flounder. If that wasn’t unsettling enough, he had a gun! How does one make it through the Police Academy (hey, wasn’t Judge Reinhold in that movie too!) with eyes so crossed you can’t help but run in circles? This man was so cross-eyed he would get caught in his own friendly fire!
Then there was the Special Olympics officer. I suppose the local Wal-Mart wasn’t accepting anymore applications for greeters because the second officer roaming the hall where I sat would’ve been a shoo-in. On a break I tried to get my Mom to stare rudely in his direction. “Mom, does that police officer have Down’s Syndrome? Does he, Mom? Does he?” She wasn’t listening, she was paying attention to some other guy…oh, yeah, her lawyer. Geez, I know that she’s in court fighting for her financial survival but I have a blog to write, damn it! Anyway, I’m pretty sure he had Down’s Syndrome. One of my favorite Aunts is mentally challenged and she has lots of Down’s friends. I know Down’s. This officer had Down’s. The following exchange between Officer Downs and Officer Flounder eliminated all doubt.
Officer Flounder: Yeah, well I just got back from Afghanistan.
Officer Downs: Afghanistan? Were you on vacation?
Officer Flounder: No, I was finishing up my tour.
Officer Downs: Tour? What tour group?
Officer Flounder: No, my tour. In the army.
Officer Downs: I’ve never been to Europe.
And yes, Officer Downs also carried a gun.
After I was called in to testify (see this time I was a real witness Mel Heth!) I wanted to borrow one of their guns. Or at least taser myself. You’d think that after my legal career where I’d prepped dozens of witnesses for trials and depositions I would’ve done much better on the stand. But no. I froze. It could’ve been Jackass I giving me the stink eye, smirking, and shaking his head every time I said something that threw me, but I don’t think so. I stopped caring what he thought of me a long time ago. I just think I’m a bad witness. Let me say, as much as I love you all, if you ever commit a crime please do not call me as a character witness. If you do, you’ll be serving 10-20 and the next time we see each other it will be from behind a glass partition as you introduce me to your bitch Martha.
Anyhoodle, that’s what’s been going on here with me! Mom and I are looking forward to going over all the captions this evening. If you haven’t submitted one, it’s not too late! Do it, do it! Go find the funny!
Posted on Friday, July 18, 2008 at 09:07 PM.
Tags: It's All Relative, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
I’m not sure that conversation proved the Down syndrome… I mean, I’ve heard a seemingly smart (American) person once say that The Netherlands is the capital of Amsterdam which is located in Sweden. Thinking Afghanistan is a European holiday destination doesn’t sound all that weird in that kind of context.
Marjolein — No, it doesn’t prove Down Syndrome. It proves that he should not be a contestant on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” I have to say, that any American who doesn’t know (at the very least) that Afghanistan is not in Europe should also not be a contestant on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”
officer flounder! heeheehee. you crack me up.
What? Afghanistan isn’t a European tourist destination? But that glossy brochure looked so real. It said there was lots of local culture and I’d be put through some sort of bootcamp - I’d really like to lose some weight, so I signed right up. They even offered to pay for airfare and give me a little stipend for signing on the dotted line. I thought it was a great deal.
Are you saying I’m not going on vacation? Did I just accidentally join the army?!
Yeah, that little exchange is not proof of Down’s Syndrome. That officer was simply American. Unlike Down’s Syndrome, being American is no excuse for being unable to locate the places America is bombing on a map.
Ambrose Bierce wrote that war is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. Another plan by God that fails miserably.
You cryptically write that the court’s decision was not fair, but that your mom will be okay financially. I hope by that you mean that your mom made out like a bandit but that truly “fair” would have entailed your mom getting everything and Jackass I being sentenced to wear his stink-eye like a mask for all the rest of his days.
So, have you entered the Witness Protection Program yet? Because you know that if if you run into Jackass I on the street he has more stink-eye, smirking, and shaking his head waiting for you. And, outside of the decorum of a courtroom, he might also cross his arms, stick his tongue out at you, and fart.
And seriously, that man can fart a serious stink bomb.
I mean that seriously.
The heat is getting to me. Maybe it’s cooler in Afghanistan. Maybe they’ll teach me to crochet afghans. Is there a crafts component to this vacation? I didn’t see anything in the brochure…
sunny — I had already gotten yelled at for taking pictures in the courthouse so I don’t have an actual photo for you.
Marian — At least you look lovely in camoflage. It’s only two or three years of your life. And you’ll have a lovely afghan to show for all your efforts. You lucky girl!
stoogepie — I love Ambrose Bierce! And as many times as we give God the chance to teach us geography, we still fail to make the grade. It’s willful ignorance and it’s ridiculous.
I keep trying to enter the Witness Protection Program but the only thing they have right now for a woman and her Dingo dog is placement in a traveling circus. I guess we will have to take our chances with Jackass I’s withering stare and callous disregard.
I don’t even know what to say...I can’t believe you qualify for witness protection now… Do you think maybe Officer Downs used to be a roadie and then witnessed a brutal slaughtering by guitar and had to be placed in the witness protection program as a “Special” officer? That would explain why he thought Flounder’s band was on tour in the Middle East...errr...Europe…
Mel Heth — Ooohhh! That sounds like what must’ve happened! Poor Officer Downs.
Okay, after seeing the picture, I can’t get “Fish Heads” (rolly-polly fish heads) out of my mind. Thanks. I hope it’s in your mind now too.
Wow. After reading about all that trouble in the court, that whole “monk” thing is starting to look pretty good. I mean, I’m practically that now, but it would be by, uh, “choice”. Yeah, that’s it…
GeekHiker — Ha! When you wrote “Monk” all I thought of was Tony Shalub as that neurotic detective and I thought to myself, “So that’s why GeekHiker is still single, he’s OCD!” Then I realized that you were talking about something else.
I missed this post somehow. I sorry. I’m glad your ma is going to be okay financially.
And I have never heard of flaming hot cheetos. Tell me more and say it slowly so I can enjoy it.
Crissy — Oh my. How have you missed this most delectable snack? Hot. Spicy. Just like you, my dear.
Hi! I’m glad your mom will be financially okay, but sorry to hear that you felt the judge was unfair (I assume that means teh results weren’t as favorable as you’d have liked...) Maybe you could just sick Dingo Girl on the Jackasses…