Leggo My Ego!
With the end of the semester fast approaching, my scheduled office hours have overflowed with students from the classes I teach who have no hope of receiving a passing grade, begging for mercy. Regardless of all the times I scrawled Purple Sharpie Words of Doom on their papers, my exhortations of “Please come see me” or “We need to discuss your grades,” drifted through the echo chamber between their ears like tumbleweeds. Helpful observations like “You are such a dumbass, be glad that breathing is an involuntary physiological function” went without notice. But now? With a week of class left, now everyone wants to be a model student. My ass has been kissed so much this past week, it’s burnished to a beautiful copper glow. And it’s a nice ass, too!
Since I can no longer run I’ve been doing a bunch of workout DVDs. Oh, no, not your mother’s workout DVDs. No Denise Austin or Kathy Smith for this ol’ Dingo. I’ve been doing Crunch’s cardio dance DVDs. I have no grace. I have no coordination. As we say down home, I look like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. But it’s fun and I think it’s working. I also love the cardio sculpt DVDs. The only DVD I’ve had issues with is the Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred. The title makes me think of shredded cheese! String cheese! Blocks of cheese! And then I wander away from the exercises on the TV screen and into the kitchen for a little snack. So, yes, I have a nice ass if your idea of a nice ass is one shaped like a Bonbel cheese ball.
All this working out had me feeling pretty good. But that was before I had my ass and my ego handed to me on a platter. It started innocently enough. The other day a friend sent me an email about an audition. A cosmetics company was looking for “real women” to use in their next ad campaign. The only instructions contained in the email were directions to the audition location and orders not to wear make-up because they wanted our natural beauty to shine through. Natural beauty! Ha! You know they just wanted to us to show up looking like cadavers so they could ambush us for an edition of Extreme Makeover: The Ugly Truth. Because we all know that women who don’t wear make-up are ugly, right?
Anyway, a week of PMS, getting my va-jay-jay waxed, and re-playing Izzie and Alex’s wedding on Grey’s Anatomy over and over again assured me that I was a real woman, so I went to the audition. Sans make-up. No one died from fright as I walked down the street, although a few people gasped in horror and averted their eyes. When I got to the audition location, the sign-in sheet had additional information. Important information. Information I should have been made aware of before traipsing my cheese ball across Manhattan during rush hour. Right at the top of the sign in sheet in a BIG, BOLD font was:
We’re looking for Real Women between the ages of 20-30 to be the new faces of Cosmetics Company blah, blah, blah….
Wait, wha?! Ages 20-30? I signed in anyway. I was already there and what could it hurt? As I sat in the waiting area with a herd of sixteen-year-olds trying to look twenty, I was relieved to see another woman my age. Actually, she looked older. Much older. As in, those aren’t freckles, honey, those are age spots. I accidentally on purpose glanced at her sign-in information. Under “Age,” she had written 23. Twenty-three! I wanted to let her know that we were supposed to write our age, not the year of our birth, but she was already deeply engrossed in reading Cosmo Girl.
Another thing I noticed about The Lying Old Lady was that she was wearing make-up. I looked around the waiting area. Everyone was wearing make-up! Bitches! And not just a light dusting of powder and mascara. No, these girls looked like living, breathing Bratz dolls. Geez, am I the only one who follows directions?! Well, except for that 20-30 years old thing. I quickly rummaged through my bag for some powder, eyeliner, anything! But all I came up with was a tube of lip gloss that had lost its top and was therefore caked with fuzz, furr, and other detritus from the bottom of my bag. It would have to do. I put my bag on the floor and pretended to rummage through it while surreptitiously using the lip gloss to give me kissable lips and rubbing a little on my cheeks for that youthful glow. I was proud of my resourcefulness until I looked in the mirror next to the sign-in table. If they were casting for Bette Davis’s character from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane: the Trailer Park Production, I was a shoo-in.
When they finally called my name I walked into the room where the Cosmetics Company make-up artist and photographer were taking pictures and scribbling notes on a legal pad. Most of the girls who had gone into the room before me were back there for at least ten minutes. I kicked myself for not using the restroom while I had the chance. But I needn’t have worried. I was in and out in ten seconds. They didn’t even ask me to sit in the make-up chair under the bright department store dressing-room-type lights. The photographer and make-up artists huddled around my information form, cast dubious glances my way and then muttered “Thank you” in my general direction. “That’s it? You don’t need to take my picture?” I asked. “No m’am, that won’t be necessary.” M’am?! Did they just “m’am” me? I would’ve beaten them with my cane and flung my dentures at them had my hip not chosen just that moment to go out.
But I didn’t leave empty handed. On my way out Make-up Artist handed me a consolation prize. “Thanks for coming in!” she bleated. “Here’s a 20% off coupon for Cosmetics Company make-up. It’s also good for our line of wrinkle reducers and fade creams!” Oh, no she d’int! Oh, yes, Innernetz. Oh, yes she did.
Posted on Thursday, May 14, 2009 at 07:42 AM.
Tags: La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
Omg, no.
You poor thing! That is exactly why I will never, ever show up for one of those things because my biggest fear is having that exact thing happen to me.
I’m so sorry!
I think you’re pretty.
And your ass really is pretty fabulous.
Also, 30 day shred made me cry like a little girl.
I mean it. I literally cried.
Not to worry, I still think you’re simply beautiful.
And I say that having never seen you in person or seen so much as a picture.
I don’t think I want any part of any video including the word “shred”.
The cosmetic company people wouldn’t know a “real” woman if she bit them on their surgery enhanced hineys. They are so used to “plastic fantastic” women that real women (who haven’t been airbrushed within an inch of their lives) are a completely foreign concept to them. Screw them and their fade cream… they can kiss your lustrous ass!
I could record some derisive laughter for you to play for the poor souls who are now trying to kiss up for grades. Maybe you can choose a lucky winner and give them your cosmetic coupon! “You FAIL the class but here, get yourself some waterproof mascara!”
Crissy — The 30 Day Shred is more like the 90 Day Shred. I just can’t seem to do it every freakin’ day. Or even every other day. She hates me. Jillian Michaels hates me. Does your DVD have her saying, “Put down that Amstel Light and chicken wing!”
Mr. POSSLQ — Kisses to you, POSSLQ! It was actually a funny experience. When I used to model/act in my younger days, I left auditions and casting calls feeling like crap because I didn’t measure up to some arbitrary standard. This time? This time I laughed at them. After a two nanosecond pity party. Really, it was no more than that. Their loss.
Ms Darkstar — I LOVE your idea of offering them a coupon for waterproof mascara. Tears have already started to flow and the simpering emails just keep pouring in. I go out of my way to help those who worked hard all semester. Students who just started showing up for class and participating in class discussions two weeks ago? No chance in hell I’m going to bump up their grades.
You poor baby.
I would NEVER have the nerve to do a walk on audition like that.
And the STUPID bitches who wore makeup......don’t people follow directions anymore?
Oh, and my son would probably be one of the ass kissers in your class. I just don’t know how he’s gonna make it.
Maybe I should start doing some workout videos. Or not. Because I like the shape of cheese wheels, though my ass is considerably larger. Maybe more like a cheese wheel covered in cottage cheese. Bet your students would love to be kissing that!
A copper colored, glowing ass? and my ‘make sure I’m not a bot’ word below is nuclear69? What the hell is going on here? and how do I join up?
That’s it. I’m breaking down and buying that damn Jillian Michaels’ DVD, if only to set it beside my bed so I’ll have dreams of cheese. Delicious cheese…
Seriously? I love your stories. A great writer is a great observer, and my bet is that you don’t miss a THING.
shelly — I find that the students who are paying their own way through school do not waste time and money on screwing around with classwork. Just an idea....
Kori — Cheese wheels have a lovely aesthetic to them, don’t they? Is cottage cheese even real cheese? It’s probably the outcast in the cheese family.
Shania — Girl, you are nuclear! Or newk-u-lar, if you’re our former president.
saratogajean — Cheese, glorious cheese...everyone sing it with me!
Mrs. Chili — Thank you, Mrs. Chili. I think blogging has made me even more observant, which means that Mr. Dingo gets an earful of running commentary about everything.
And by real women, we mean not really. I can’t believe the entire situation. Crazy bitches!
The word “shred” scares me.
I like to think of myself as the anti-bride these days, and I can’t wait for Izzie to die already, but even I couldn’t watch that wedding without shedding a few tears. Yes, that’s what I chose to focus on in this post.
Laughing. Out. Loud.
Sorry they dissed you, but seriously, at least the age-spotted Liar and the wanna-be-adults club got the boot too. I’m certain they did. The company could get into too much trouble for using underage girls without parental blah-blah. Enjoy the ass-kissing and give them all the grade they earned.
gangster voice/ Ohhhhhhhh! /Gangster voice
Yeah, finals started today and I had 3 (yes, I said THREE) students ask if it was too late to drop the class.
And “The Shred”? Yeah, I’d rather poke myself in the eye with waterproof mascara than do that stuff again. Why, why, WHY would I sit propped up against on a wall for a minute?
I have avoided the 30 Day Shred because Jillian’s voice sounds like a man and I’m also scared I won’t be able to lay down in bed, much less get OUT of it the next morning. As for your makeup audition, like the other commentors here, they were just bitches. Plain and simple 
I’m sorry you were raked over the coals.
Who needs a 23-year old face when you can have a 23-year old ass, right? RIGHT? There ya go, everything’s gonna be okay.
I might have to go out and get some of your DVDs. I’ve been doing the same Kathy Smith workouts (yes, I even bought DVDs to replace my VHS tapes) for oh about 14 years now. Maybe I’ll give the wrath of Jillian a try.
That’s wrong. That’s 20-30 kinds of wrong.
I tried those Crunch Dance things, too. I faceplanted onto my floor when I sashayed wrong.
Try The Firm. No, really. If I was more motivated, I’d go back to using that in a second.
You DO follow instructions well. I can tell from the auditions AND the Jillian video. I’m positive she says to go have a snack in there!
dingo, you are gorgeous and you don’t need some cosmetics people to affirm that. and i love that you follow directions - i’m the same way. also, i want jillian’s arms but i think my case of lazyitis will keep that from happening.
Those bitches just wanted to make fools of the rest of us while they look on, in high-def makeup that was flawlessly airbrushed on by professionals. It was all a scam to make themselves feel better...and would you really want to be casted bare-faced as the before picture with some 16 year old juxtaposed in Cosmo as the after, I think not!
There’s no tricking those Cosmetics Company people. You do realize what happens to people who flunk your sophisticated English class don’t you? They get careers in cosmetics and fashion. The word was out on you--you had no change. News of the purple sharpie travels fast.
So, did the wrinkle cream work?
What?! They are asshats! You are gorgeous.
The Shred is evil.
20-30? They should call that the “real girls” campaign (cackled the evil old spinster).
Summer — Oh, Shred should scare you. Crissy wasn’t joking when she said it makes you cry. Or maybe we’re just wussies.
April — I spent the last several years wishing Izzie would die and last week I spent the entire night hoping she would survive until the wedding. I wonder if it’s bad karma to wish ill onto TV characters?
FreedomFirst — They ass-kissers will definitely get the grade they earned. Too bad for them this isn’t acting class. I could hand out dramedy awards to some of them.
MTAE — This made me laugh! I’m going to work on my gangster voice.
thecoconutdiaries — WHAT?! What’s this about being propped up against a wall? I obviously haven’t progressed to that level of torture yet.
sara.jane — I was feeling pretty good after the first workout until I had to ride the subway to work. Raising my arm above my head to hold on to the rail in the train was ridiculous! My arm was shaking and I couldn’t even feel my shoulder.
Mel Heth — If you do the Jillian tapes and tell me how easy they are, we can no longer be friends.
Ree — My Crunch Dance sessions usually look more like a mosh pit of one. Just when I think I’m getting the footwork down they speed it up and then add arm movements! It is truly humbling. Have they updated The Firm since the early 90s? No more leotards and headbands?
Jules — I think it’s when she says, “Pause for no longer than five seconds.” That clearly means, “Run as fast as you can and eat the string cheese before the next sit-up!”
blakspring — At first I thought you wrote that “laryngitis” would keep you from having Jillian’s arms and I was very interested in the “laryngitis” excuse for not working out. Then I realized that you wrote “lazyitis” instead. I was disappointed. I already have that.
The Accessorista — Ohhh! I didn’t even think about the Before picture! I imagine the caption under my image would read, “If you don’t want to look like this, do not age.”
Laura — I think my students would have great careers in cosmetics. If they think they can make their Fs disappear, I bet the can do wonders with eliminating wrinkles!
justrun — Do you Shred, too? You probably do all three levels and then go for a nice easy 10 mile run. Thanks for making me look bad.
Suebob — Evil old spinsters, unite!
Serves you right for RUINING GREYS ANATOMY FOR ME!!
We live in the future here in Australia, but alas our TV is in the past…
Hmm I’m on the other side of the teacher-student division at the moment, I still need to get a grade for a paper I handed in in early February!
Oh and I once got a tester for an anti-cellulite product when I bought cleanser, without me asking for it, and I don’t even have cellulite! Made me quite cross too.
Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo — That was two episodes ago! Geez, I knew Australia was huge but I didn’t think that it took that long for air waves to travel. Would you like me to provide you with Owen and Christina spoilers as well?
Marjolein — I’ve sometimes taken a few weeks to return papers but I’ve never taken three months!
welcome to Hollywood baby. I’ve been doing commercials for years, successfully and just the other day they said to wear no make up and I too fell for it. Of coruse the other actresses did and yet here I am, the idiot. That’s right, I did not book that commercial either. I know you how feel. I’d have set that fucking coupon on fire
Do they think that women become less real after age 30? Pay them no never mind, child. You’re beautiful to us!
Jessica — From now on, no more following directions. I want you to go on every audition that calls for a 60-year old Asian man.
Jules — And the thing is, they use 15-16 year old girls in the advertisements for wrinkle creams. Show me a model in her 40-60s. THEN, I’ll be convinced that your wrinkle cream works, not when you’re flashing me the ultra-smooth forehead of someone who’s face only wrinkles when she’s crying about not getting Jonas Brothers tickets.
Oh no she d’int! B’otch. The wench at the grocery store asked if I wanted the Senior discount… I’m pretty sure she’s older than I am. What’s wrong with these people!
Geesh, there definitely is something wrong with them if they can’t even follow their own rules! Now I’m wondering, what would they have done if you lied about your age on the form? Or for those wearing make-up, did they look different when they came out of the room? Did these people have their make-ups removed? As for the wrinkle reducers and fade creams comment - I would have replied back - so is that what you’re using?! HA! Have a great weekend!
btw, yes, I have a decent size walk-in, but I guess it doesn’t matter how big it is, you always end up not having enough room for stuff lol.
btw, I hope you don’y mind but I added you in my blogroll =) don’t want to miss any of your post =)
I’m guessing you teach college because 10th grade students who are failing not only don’t kiss my ass, they stop coming. Or they sic their parents on me.
I’m guessing the work outs that you are doing are beyond me (51 year old here), but for the record I have been doing Shaun T’s hip hop abs. He’s cute enough to spread on a cracker as well as keep my work out attention for 30 minute blocks of time.
The cosmetics company? Just plain rude I’d say.
Tara R — The Senior Discount?! I can send you my coupon for wrinkle reducers and fade creams and in a few weeks you can get the child’s discount.
freetyme — When they not-yet-20year-olds came out of the room, they were all made up and magazine ready. Playboy magazine! There was more belly and asscrack showing than on the cover of Maxim.
Pseudo — Ohhhh! I’m going to check out Shaun T. Unfortunately, I am still having difficulty mastering some of the basic dance moves. I run in place for those step-toe-change-kick-dig-dig-knee-jazz-hands sections. But if he’s as cute as you say, I’ll gladly trade stumbling over my own feet for tripping over my tongue.
But, your va-jay-jay was waxed! Doesn’t that count for something?!
You should’ve showed them *that* natural beauty.
But what happened to the really old 23/ 1923 woman? I wouldn’t be surprised if she really was 23- I’ve seen some really old looking women/girls lately. Maybe she does meth or something.
Rachel — I’m sure that would’ve been the show stopper.
Prosy — I have no idea if they choose her as one of their new faces. She was still in the waiting area when I left although you’d think someone with one foot in the grave would have better things to do with their time.
The reason for this is simple: they need to sell a product. In order to do that, they have to convince women that they are not pretty enough without said product. Obviously, your beauty doesn’t need the extra “help” of said product, so they were unable to use you as a model. That job will have to be left to the Tammy Fay’s that were in the waiting room.
Ugh! I used to go on auditions like that all the time. Sometimes, they were kind enough to talk about me like I wasn’t in the room. Nice things like, “she really should get a boob job,” or “One of her front teeth is longer than the other.” Ah, memories!
I had to stop doing the Shred. It killed my ankles.
GeekHiker — You, my friend, are a smooooth talker. I like that.
Allie — Isn’t it great to be dehumanized?! The Shred hasn’t killed my ankles yet. I’ll keep you posted.
Isn’t it fascinating that we put such a range of experiences in our lives that make us swear, stomp and or cry? Really, you’ve just been given another opportunity to realize how REAL you are; no 22-year old troweled on face (and apparently you have a FINE ass); just great attitude and a propensity to take such experiences and turn them into snarkastic stories…
O’Mama — The funny thing about the whole experience was that I couldn’t get home to tell Mr. Dingo how unreal the whole experience was. And I wouldn’t have traded being me for all the silicone and collagen perched in that waiting room. It certainly was an experience and I’m one to take opportunities as they arrive. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t.
Because of you, I had to go out and buy this thing you call 30 Day Shred. Of course, I haven’t tried it yet. But you’re THAT awesome!
Ok this makes me want to get the 30 day Shred
Jules You’re not going to think I’m so awesome when you are unable to lift your arms and even breathing hurts after your first workout.
The Peach Tart — Hi there! I’ve only been doing it for a week or so and I love it. And hate it. Let me know what you think.
I can’t believe she said that!
aw you have shamed me into working out! deep breathing at the keyboard
I love the way you see the world