My Fat Mouth
Quick Update: I forgot to tell you, I did another post at The Greenists.
Christmas came early to Casa de Dingo in the form of a 246-page glossy magazine. Although I try to camouflage my fashionista aspirations beneath sweatshirts, tattered jeans, and slept-in pony-tails to avoid the ravenous paparazzi waiting to plaster my face across the latest copy of Useless and Oh no, not her again magazines, I cannot deny my love for Vogue, Marie Claire, Elle, and InStyle. I consume them from cover to cover, ripping out the perfume inserts and rubbing them all over my body like poor woman’s Febreeze. Except for the Prada Milano perfume insert. It makes you smell less like Febreeze and more like the sticky stained carpet in a whore house.
It was with glee that I flipped through the pages of the November Glamour because it was the issue that promised to feature “plus-size” models — by plus size, they meant anyone who can wear corduroy without looking like a pipe cleaner. What a disappointment! Only two of the gorgeous plus-sized models were modeling clothes and even then, they had their arms crossed protectively in front of their bodies as if to shield readers from the sight of their unemaciated flesh: Oh noes! A Size-12! Won’t someone think of the children?!1!
I flipped through page after page of waifs, sticks, and cadavers balancing lollipop heads on necks so skinny they’d fail inspection at the broom factory. I finally found models larger than the rolled Benjamins Kate Moss uses to snort her coke. The luscious ladies were lumped together — literally, lumped together like tumors — in a two page spread waaaaaaay at the back of the magazine. Fuck you Glamour. Fuck. You. Nobody puts baby in — oh, wait, nevermind, Johnny Castle has left the building.
As fate would have it, last week my students were working on their research papers about advertising and media. One of my students, a café au lait complexioned beauty with a honeyed patois that conjures images of Coronas, beaches, and “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” was struggling with her paper about the negative impact fashion magazines have on the female psyche. I don’t play favorites, Innernetz. I really don’t. I just like some students more than others. Caribbean Queen just happens to be one of those students who could write her research paper on the back of a matchbook and light it on fire as she is handing it to me, and she would still get an A. So, when I saw her chewing the end of her pen, I made my way to her desk.
“Stuck?” I asked.
Caribbean Queen sighed deeply and pulled a copy of Vogue from her backpack. She slapped it onto her desk in disgust. “I’m not in there. I’m never in there!” she said. I looked at this smart, funny, beautiful girl and felt her dismay. She could forget about ever finding her Rubenesque body-type modeling an off the shoulder, cinched-waist, bracelet-sleeved, metallic pleated skirt, rock, paper, scissors, mini-shift in the pages of any fashion magazine. The Glamour debacle, fresh as a newly erupted cold sore, propelled me to action. Oh hellz no! It was not going to go down like this. I was not going to allow her to even begin to disparage herself. I was going to change her life. Change. Her. Life!
I grabbed the pen from her hand and began to write. Sparks erupted and the smoke that rose from her wide-ruled college pages was heady incense. I gave her the names of web sites like Shapely Prose, Big Fat Blog, and Fatshionista. I told her she is beautiful just as she is blah, blah, blah, don’t try to conform to arbitrary standards of beauty, yadda, yadda, yadda, Madison Avenue’s boy-like model of feminine beauty is more a statement about pederasty than pretty, nod, wink, nod.
I set the pen down only when the plastic casing started to melt. She looked at me with awe and adoration. I was humbled, Innernetz. Humbled. She was silent for a moment. Suddenly, tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes and ran down her cheeks. A simple “Thank you” would have sufficed. And some fresh brownies at Christmas. And maybe a Moleskine notebook for Teacher Appreciation Day, engraved with “Best Teacher Ever!” But that’s it! Anything more and I’d have to report it as income.
I looked into her watery eyes and mine grew watery, too. My lips were pursed into a tight but quivering smile. A hug was about to happen and my hands were already flapping a little. She, meanwhile, was speechless.
“Ms. Dingo, I didn’t . . . I mean . . .”
I managed to gasp, “Yes?”
“I want to see someone in the magazines who looks like me!”
“Exactly!” I said, and reached for that hug.
“No!” she wailed. “I didn’t mean fat! I meant Black! Do you think I’m fat?”
“No! Nononononononononononono!” I spit out as fast as I could. But it was too late. The fat was out of the bag, spread all in her notebook. Add some flour to her notebook, pop it in the oven, and you have a pie crust. Add some baking soda and milk: biscuits. Delicious biscuits.
By this time, the rest of the class had turned their attention to us, wondering why Caribbean Queen was crying and why I was backpedaling so fast I knocked yesterday onto its ass. Fortunately, there was only fifteen minutes of class left and I decided to let them out early. Trying to recover my composure, I walked to the front of the class and announced, “Remember, your papers are due on Friday. And please, please, PLEASE!, remember to fat chick. Fact check! I meant fact check!”
Ah yes, Innernetz, life is all about Teachable Moments. That day, however, I was the one who got schooled.
Posted on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 07:50 AM.
Tags: Fashion is Smashin'!, Little Red Schoolhouse
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Comments & Trackbacks
Ouch! I hate those kind of teachable moments.
Owie! It made me blush just reading it. Ack!
Oops! That’s about all I can come up with.
Yipes. You are a great teacher for caring so much. 
Oh my. I didn’t mean to laugh. I tried not to. Good Lord!
Oy! “Don’t forget to fat chick"… Gold, pure GOLD!
Shapely Prose, Big Fat Blog, and Fatshionista. Ok. I wrote them down. Thanks.
And I am fat chicking RIGHT now. (Are those like PEEPS?)
Keep on with those teachable moments........
Have no idea what to say. Except it could happen to any of us....
Oh, there’s this. Teachable moments at us, the teachers, are one of the reasons our jobs are rarely boring.
Tara R. — Not one of my better moments.
k8 — She’s changed her paper topic. I wonder why?
Mr. POSSLQ — I mean, really, how in the world dose someone recover from such a foot in mouth moment? Hint: You don’t.
jane — Thanks! I can only hope she sees it that way.
Ms. Darkstar — And that was the moment I put my other foot in my mouth.
Jules — Mmmmm....Peeps! See, if Glamour had a two-page spread of Peeps, there wouldn’t have been any problem.
Pseudo — Rarely boring, indeed. I imagine her paper is now going to be entitled, “How My Teacher Wrecked My Female Psyche.”
Yes, what a horrible situation to be in. There are never any black models in the fashion industry. Naomi Campbell is really Kate Moss.
Everyone got hurt a bit there...ouch! Caring can be tough...as can teaching.
See? No good deed...best not to try and teach so much, Dingo!
Can’t breathe...can’t breathe...laughing too hard…
That was AWESOME.
And sadly, I would have assumed and done exactly the same thing. I’m always ready to load more folks on the positive-body-image-down-with-society boat!
Ouch. Just ouch.
“Patois”. I actually had to look that one up. Your blog has now crossed the line into educational. I’ll let you debate the rightness or wrongness of that.
So, how does she treat you now? Does she give you the evil look of death every time she walks into the classroom?
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!
You were all teary eyed and everything!!!!!!! ohmygod.
I am trying so hard to laugh quietly in my office a coworker just walked by and asked if I was ok lol BECAUSE I’M CRYING!!!!!!!
This was so classic. Oh my god. I am going to tell everyone I know about this. LOL
I actually decided that the Oprah mag didn’t TOTALLY suck becuase they showed a beautiful, sexy, black woman modeling underwear. And I believe that her hands might have been over the chest, but I cant remember-still, you could see the dimply bits of her thighs and a litte bit of a roll over the waistband of her undies and she was so sexy that I almost felt like I was looking at porn. In a nice, tingly naughty kind of way. But at this point in your teaching career, it would not behoove you to point this particular model out, because of course she would just believe even MORE that you think she is fat.
Oh damn. Damn. So, what’s happened since? ::pat on the back:: Did you have quite a few drinks later that evening?
Bwa ha ha! No good deed goes unpunished.
OMG, Dingo! Noooooo! Oh...my. My face is burning for you.
Oh no! Oh! Lady! Oh!
at least you didn’t ask her when the baby is due…
I was thinking exactly what blakspring said. That’s totally akin to asking someone when they’re due. I’m sure she’ll forgive you. Especially if you let her turn in a flaming match book as her next paper.
Kristina P. — We looked through several magazines and the lack of diversity was depressing. Oh! Except for when they had white models in blackface. That was charming. Not.
MTAE — I’m going to have t-shirts made that say, “I insult you because I care.”
April — I expect that once word gets out, I’ll only have skinny girls in my class.
Reagan — Well, she *used* to have a positive body image. I think I torpedoed that.
Freedom First — It was definitely painful. My stomach drops every time I think about it.
GeekHiker — No evil looks of death but she definitely hasn’t asked me to help her on her next paper.
Court — You were crying?! Did someone call you fat? Let me at ‘em!
Kori — I’m going to have to find that ad but I think I’ll save it for next semester.
Sara — I apologized to her and managed to not make the situation worse and now we have an unspoken agreement not to ever speak of it again. Drinks were flowing that evening! But that’s normal.
Jules D — That’s it! I’m never going to do another good thing for as long as I live!
inkpuddle — My face was so flushed I thought I was going through early menopause.
Allie — Oh. Yes.
blakspring — Oh, I learned long ago never to ask that question. Similar situation. Yeah, I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.
Mel Heth — I would accept the flaming matchbook with my bare hands.
I will send you a Moleskine and brownies.
Ohhhhhh noooooo!!! The worst part is you were so well-intentioned! :-(
jeez, fat people are so sensitive (said the overweight pregnant woman). you are so going to be ordered to go to some sort of sensitivity training.
Well, I agree with Mel, you better give her an A now!!!! No matter what she turns in!!!!
You always make me laugh Dingo. That is a definite foot in mouth moment.
Oh NO! Did this really happen? It is both tragic and hilarious, if so.
Give her an A+.
Oh mah holy hell. Too funny.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Well, kinda. I needed a good laugh.
“And please, please, PLEASE!, remember to fat chick. Fact check! “
BWAhahahahahahahaha!!!
justrun — Don’t forget to have it engraved with “Best Teacher Ever!”
AnnQ — I know! When I actually intend to make them cry it never works!
Hillary — I think being pregnant with twins entitles you to carry a few extra pounds. Extra pounds of cake, donuts, etc.
Richelle — Hi Richelle! I think she can turn in blank pages and I will view it as a masterpiece.
Toe — Actually, I think I swallowed my entire leg.
Lara — Apt description, tragic and hilarious. Maybe someday she’ll look back on this and laaaaugh! Or not.
Ree — All this week, whenever someone has asked for help, I’ve been very careful to ask them to specify the exact type of help they want.
Mrs. Chili — I know! After all that entire spiel about not calling women fat, blah, blah, blah, I say FAT CHICK!
Hahahahahahaha! Poor Dingo.
I completely understand your love-hate relationship with fashion magazines… I feel the same way.
One of my favorite TV shows is Drop Dead Diva, for that exact reason.
On the other hand, I also like to escape into the glossy world of a magazine… like a lot of other Female People…
oh God, no, no, no. Oh God. Oh God. I’m red faced FOR YOU. LOLOLOLOL
Crissy — When you laugh like that, the “Poor Dingo” doesn’t sound very sincere. And I know you meant to be sincere, right?
ittybittycrazy — I haven’t watched Drop Dead Diva. I think it’s on at the same time as my Project Runway re-runs. Hey! I think it’s a conspiracy!
Jessica — I think my face stayed bright red for the rest of the week.
thx 4 the sayings… ^^
smooth move, x-lax.
Ouch. Well, we all have those moments. So is Caribbean Queen over it, or still traumatized by your shapely suggestions?
Oh babe… I don’t think you will be getting those brownies now…
It hurts just to read it.... I must say you handled it better than I would’ve managed to! I probably would’ve fled! Well, it was great while it lasted!?
You cannot be serious! Thou shalt not envy anyone who can wear corduroy without looking like a pipe cleaner.
That said, not sure what you’re regretting here. That you planted the idea of fatness in virgin soil? Or, that your buzz was killed when she figured you were patronizing her for not, quoty hands, noticing, she was black?
Enough already about self-love trumping fashion. Lest you accuse me of patronizing you because I’m an old crone and you’re a hot chick, I want breast reduction surgery now that I can’t lay on my tummy to sleep because my sideboobs twist my neck. Seriously. It’s not cosmetic, it’s therapeutic. Shut up.
The real news in this post is that you like to think of yourself as postracial, not that you get the whole fat chick thing.
I’m not there yet. I’ll be the first to confess I’m trying to get used to the idea of Americans having The Conversation about truth and reconciliation, and whites paying reparations to blacks. There’s my teachable moment.
Messenjah — Um, okay. You’re welcome?
keng — That’s how I roll.
Kelley — Damn! I was counting on those brownies.
starrlife — I wanted to run but I was afraid to stand up suddenly. I didn’t want all the blood that rushed to my face to race to my legs. I was embarrassed enough without adding fainting in front of the class to the list.
Unindicted Co-Conspirator — Post-racial? Ha! No such thing. Have you watched the news lately? Projection? Oh yes, there was plenty of that. And I am heartbroken that she seemed to have a positive body image until I all but stamped “OVERWEIGHT” on her forehead. This right after I talk about unnatural and unobtainable images of beauty in magazines. Without even thinking, I measured her by standards that I rail against. Hypocrisy, they name is Dingo.
Would an apology in the shape of sugar cookies and pound cake be inappropriate?
I, for one, often get bored of listening to myself obsess about the same insecurities over and over again. I think she should be grateful that you gave her the gift of one more thing to add to he list of negative core believe.
A simply “You’re welcome” would have sufficed.
And yeah, maybe give her an A.
Ah Dingo, that was priceless. I don’t read the fashion mags, but I am addicted Vantiy Fair. Of course, I only read the political articles.
Ooh, you’re not gonna make that mistake again. However on the lines of nothing being perfectly useless, because it can always serve as a bad example, it’s something you can bring up in your next class (modified somewhat, perhaps) about the dangers we all face in making assumptions. An ouch shared and all that.
But, are there really no black models in Vogue?
You are really funny in writing.Assumptions will teach us teachable lessons we never forget.
You always come up with great stuff I just love your site you are very talented I’ll recommend your site to my friends and family members great job very appreciated..keep it up..
Actually I am happy to hear a teacher admit that she is human and that a cooperative, good student will get a grade commensurate with that liking. However, it is also gratifying to know that in your situation, even a student whose personality doesn’t click with yours will get an A, so long as good work is being produced.
I have run into teachers in the past who just didn’t like me for one reason or another and they definitely took it out on my grade.
Happily I am now on full scholarship with Linda Christas College thanks to ToysPeriod.
They are underwriting the whole thing, and I am very grateful to them.
I am majoring in business with an emphasis in environmental sustainability and, so far, the major has been a major eye opening experience.
Perhaps if more people looked to conducting business in an Earth caring manner, the planet would be able to say Happy New Year to man (and mean it) each and every time man’s calendar rolls around to January 1st.