My Feet Taste Nasty (Updated!)
So far, 2009 has created the giant sucking sound once only associated with NAFTA and Keanu Reeves movies (The Lake House, anyone?). It’s been a particularly rough few weeks here at Casa Dingo. You ever have a problem where the solutions are equally unpalatable? Like a choice between chewing razor blades and then gargling lemon juice or dousing yourself with honey and laying on an anthill. You ever have a problem like that? And then? Then you put on your big girl panties and do what needs to be done only to open another can of worms. I’m not talking about those thin, weak looking things that litter the sidewalk after a heavy rain. I’m talking Tremors-size worms, Dune-size worms, Jabba the Hut size worms! Well, from now on I have decided no more big girl panties. I want to wear my Princess Leia Underoos and throw sand at the other children in the sandbox. Especially the kids wearing Disney Princess Underoos. Disney Princesses suck. Except for Belle.
I’ve been moody, weepy, cranky, and I know you are not going to believe this but — I’ve been a bitch. Yes, yes, I have. You don’t have to pretend. We’re all friends here. You can tell me. In fact, Gay Best Friend has already told me. You know what he said? He said, “You’re a bitch.”
And then he said the magic words, “You need some wine.” So he made me get out of my jammies and traipse across the city to his favorite wine store. I was not going to get out of my jammies. Ever. Even when I thought of going to get wine, I figured getting out of my jammies was a waste of time because I was just going to come back home, unscrew the cap to a 2-for-1 box of Boone’s, and stay in my jammies until they fell off from dry rot. Or until Mr. Dingo promised to make his homemade Red Velvet Cake. His Red Velvet Cake is the best cake EVAH! And definitely worth taking a shower and fixin’ my ‘do for. He might even get some Sexytime. If the Boone’s doesn’t make me fall asleep first.
But it was wine and not cake that was on my mind this afternoon, and Gay Best Friend insisted that I lose the jammies. And then it was whine and not wine that was on my lips when I saw the line extending out the door to the wine shop. It was packed. You would have thought that this was the only wine store in Manhattan. I happen to know that it is not. I happen to know that there are one thousand two hundred and fifty three wine stores in Manhattan. I know this because I have done my part to stimulate the economy. One wine bottle at a time. Anyway, I had a few choice words for all those asshats who waited until the day before Valentine’s Day to stock up on libations.
Bitching and moaning, I made my way through the crowd. As I was scanning the shelves, Gay Best Friend tapped me on the shoulder,
Gay Best Friend: Hey look! Dan Aykroyd has a new wine on the —
Me: Dude, I’ve had a bad week. I certainly don’t need bad wine.
Gay Best Friend (pointing over my shoulder): — And he’s right behind you signing bottles.
Dan Aykroyd smiled at me when I turned.
Cue earth opening up and swallowing your beloved Dingo. There was only muffled screaming as I plunged through the hole in the floor because my foot was lodged firmly between my teeth.
Yeah, I was embarrassed. Maybe I should’ve been tipped off by the long line snaking out of the wine store. Yeah, it’s the day before Valentine’s Day, but all those ugly New Yorkers aren’t getting some. Really.
Or maybe I should’ve been tipped off by the guy who wore his Ghostbusters costume. He wasn’t embarrassed. Dressed in his khaki Ghostbusters uniform, complete with official Ghostbusters patches, combat boots, and utility pack, he was loudly proclaiming, “It’s the 20-year anniversary! Twenty years!” I don’t know if he was talking about the movie release date or the date he moved into his parents’ basement. Either way, I was waiting for Dan Aykroyd to say, “Listen asshole, I have been in at least fifty straight-to-video movies since Ghostbusters and did you ever see my real masterpiece? Blues Brothers?”
But Dan Aykroyd didn’t say that. He was busy warning his legions of fans to watch out for the hole that the curly-haired bitch who had just bad-mouthed his latest label right in front of him had fallen into.
Who ya gonna call?
Update: Who’d a’ thought that so many of you were interested in Dan Aykroyd’s wine? Well, dear Innernetz, I’ll have you know, I did buy some and even had one autographed. Since it was Friday the 13th and I’m a sucker for connoisseur of horror movies, in honor of the release of Friday the 13th (2009) I had Dan Aykroyd sign the bottle, “To Jason.” Because I’m a geek like that. But hey, at least I didn’t show up in a stupid hockey mask!
Because I love you, Innernetz, I’m going to give a bottle of the Dan Aykroyd Cabernet to a lucky reader. Mr. Dingo and I had some at dinner tonight. It was good! And Innernetz? I’m giving away the signed bottle of Dan Aykroyd Cabernet. Hell, I’ll even throw a bottle of his Chardonnay in the mix (unsigned). All you need to do is tell me your own “foot-in-mouth,” wine, or celebrity run-in story. You can put your anecdote in the comments of this post, post it on your own blog and post your link in the comments here, or send it to me via email (see the Blackberry in the top right of this page?). I’ll announce the winner on Thursday, February 19th!
Posted on Saturday, February 14, 2009 at 12:26 PM.
Tags: I Hate Shopping, La Vida Loca, Smoking, Drinking, and other Vices
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Comments & Trackbacks
I think it’s something in the air or Mercury in retrograde or something. Whatever the reason, we all need to access our inner bitch at times.
So...did you buy the Dan Ackroyd wine?
Well...at least it wasn’t a tremor worm hole you fell into. So there’s that.
There is no wormhole… only Zuul.
Or something.
And, yeah… did you buy any Ackroyd wine?
Bwuah-ha-ha-ha!!! I thought stuff like that only happened to me!
And I’m right there with you on the moody/weepy/cranky/po-jammy-wearing bitchiness. I most definitely have been throwing sand at people in the Uberschool sand-box....I’ve been writing buttmunch kids up left and right for tardies and disrespectful behavior. Take that, shiitakemushroomheads!!!
Are you pregnant? 
I hope not because the worst thing is no wine. I can’t stand it another minute.
Ouch! What goes with foot, red or white wine/whine, a nice Chianti?
why does dan ackroyd get his own wine? where is dingo wine, because i would definitely drink that. btw, this has to be one of my favorite of your photoshop masterpieces
Maybe the wine is better than having to watch Spies Like Us…
Yeah, but he smiled at you after you said it, as if to say, “I know...it’s total crap.”
Oh mah holy hell. So something I would do. Luckily, I don’t live anyplace where anyone famous would appear. 
Poor Dingo. And I do need to add my voice to those asking: Didya buy the Aykroyd wine?
Oooh Dan Aykroyd…
And sometimes you just need a bitchy no-I’m-not-getting-out-of-my-comfy-clothes-thank-you-very-much time. Especially when things aren’t going right. Hopefully things will start looking up for you soon though!
Hello Innernetz! I can definitely attest to the fact that the Dan Aykroyd Cabernet is pretty good. Mr. Dingo and I killed two bottles last night.
April — So many people are going through tough times right now, whether it’s general Sickofwinteritis or just plain ol’ life. I hope things look up for everyone soon.
Shania — Yes, there is that. I will be thankful for small victories.
Ms Darkstar — Tee, hee! That made me laugh.
Ms. H — If you have a similar story, enter the giveaway! Also, your students are shitakemushroomheads.
jane — That’s so not funny. Any situation that requires abstaining from wine should definitely be avoided.
Tara R. — I’m not sure what wine would go with “foot in mouth” but I had a nice side of Tater Tots.
blakspring — I think he also has a vodka label. He’s onto something here. Wine, vodka, hell, if he branched into Crystal Light Raspberry Blast, I think he’s my hero!
MTAE — Maybe he’s into wine to forget crappy movies like that. I wasn’t a fan of the Blues Brothers, either.
Hillary — Or maybe it was as if to say, “I know you think it’s crap but you’re in line to buy it anyway, dumbass.”
Ree — Lots of famous people go to Michigan! Like....like...um, give me a minute here, I’ll think of someone!
Mr. POSSLQ — I know you have to have a “foot in mouth,” wine, or celebrity run-in story, right?
Marjolein — Thanks, M!
Oh, how I want to be the winner of this contest! Because I want to win so badly, I am giving you TWO foot-in-mouth stories.
Foot-in-mouth #1: I was in law school. It was 5 minutes before my Con Law class was scheduled to start. As I beelined towards the door to leave school because I had decided to skip class, I ran into a flood of my classmates who were leaving the library and heading the opposite direction (you know, the direction towards class), one friend said, “Lara, aren’t you going the wrong way?” I said, “Oh, yeah, but I just can’t handle Professor X today.” I kid you not - I heard the sound of a throat being cleared, and then the dreaded voice of Professor X say, “I’m sorry to hear that, Lara” behind me.
Foot-in-mouth #2, with bonus wine focus: Rob and I were in Napa Valley, at a lovely little winery called Nickel & Nickel. I was wasted because N&N;was our 39th winery of the day and I tasted wines EVERYWHERE. I loudly began talking to Rob about how it was a shame the Nickel & Nickel bottles were so ugly because the wine was delicious, when our tour guide said, “Oh. Well, I guess I won’t introduce you to this gentleman [who was right next to us], as he is the owner and the designer of the label.”
In a restaurant here in L.A. Still married. George Clooney enters. WE just so happened to be leaving at the same time he arrives. me, shoves my now ex to the side and I run up to him. Have no idea what I said but his eyes told me, “Get outta here,I’m hungry.”
Can it be true that we have the same victim of our foot-and-mouth disease? Ah yes, we do! Hubby and I were at the House of Blues last year and due to our membership in the Foundation Room, we get automatic access to the VIP area. I was a bit wasted, so I was having some serious couch time when the bouncer came and told me I had to leave the area. Of course, I mouthed off and asked what asshole could possibly merit displacing me, when I noticed Mr. Aykroyd (the owner of the place) standing right behind him. Yeah, no autograph for me that night!
Lara — Both of these are really funny but the second one that combines wine and foot-in-mouth is priceless. I’m also assuming that “tasted wines EVERYWHERE” means you were smashed out of your gourd.
Jessica — And he didn’t invite you for an after dinner drink or dessert? How rude!
Sarah B. — Hi, Sarah B! He could at least have given you a free bottle of wine as an apology for displacing you. How rude!
I’m laughing with you, not at you. That is soooo something that would happen to me.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a celebrity run in. I’ll have to decide which foot in the mouth story would be the best to share, but I’m going to have to think of something because I LOVE Blues Brothers.
Oh, I have so many to choose from but I will pick my top 2 since I’ve been in Austin:
#1:
At a club where a woman is walking around with 3 or 4 band-aids on her nose.
Me: Oh, honey, you should wait until your nose job has heeled before going out in public!
My Single: Oh, I know her. She didn’t have a nose job, she had surgery for the cancer on her nose.
#2:
Me: I hate taking aerobics classes with these college students. I feel so old!
Lady: I know what you mean. (uncomfortable silence). You know, I was really excited about Obama’s win. It’s like the first time I can remember being so moved by a president.
Me: Really? Even more than Kennedy?
Lady: Well, I was 3 then.
Summer — I seem to have chronic foot-in-mouth. This stuff happens all the time.
Megkathleen — Do you like both Blues Brothers? Even Blues Brothers 2000? On second thought, don’t admit to that.
thecoconutdiaries — Hahahahaha! *wipes tears from eyes* Hahahahahah! That second one is absolutely something I would say. Did a big hole open up in front of you? Did she push you in?
Instead of the wine, can we just go out drinking?
Hee hee hee hee! I love it! Does having a BBQ with Jimmy Buffett count as a run in? My high school boyfriend’s uncle was his pilot and on the spur of the moment invited us to concert. When I actually met him backstage after the concert for said BBQ, it went something like this:
Me: Uh, hi. I really like your music.
Jimmy: Thanks.
Yeah........ So much for my many words of wisdom.
I saw this post days ago but was interrupted and I couldn’t comment. I have a good foot in mouth story for you but I’m afraid it’s so awful that I cannot possibly tell it. I prefer to use it to torture myself with when I can’t sleep at night.
Talking of Disney Princesses, I was sick enough (sick perhaps being the operative word in so many senses...) to view almost the entirety of a Disney Cinderella remake on Sunday… seriously it lasted nearly 2 hours and STILL Cinders and the Prince were single… honestly it tried my patience so much but somehow I’d got sucked into it. Also my aerial needs moving to watch the other channels and I couldn’t be bothered to move it...(!) Just thought I’d share that with ya. I’m playing 6 degrees of separation online, where you bloghop out of familiar territory… via comments or links, until you find yourself again back in your own circle of friends. It’s fascinating, you should try it sometime!
I got nothing foot in mouth. Although I’m sure there’s lots of them. And I don’t do celebrities. They freak me out.
Does running around DFW asking people for their autographs as if they were celebrities count? I seem to remember accompanying a certain person in this little pursuit. One of many ways we used to be able to waste time before a flight in the time when people could get to the gate with you. Of course, now we would have been hauled off into that little room you hear about.
I am laughing so hard right now. I love your sense of humor.
GeekHiker — We, as in the royal “we”? I suppose if you win you can go out and celebrate but are you sure you wouldn’t rather have the wine?
Jules — I’ll have to listen to my Jimmy Buffet CDs but I’m pretty sure he turned that brief but momentous encounter into a song.
Crissy — Now, you know you have to tell me, right?
Gledwood — Hi, Gledwood! Thanks for stopping by. I’d be interested to know how many links it took to end up back where you started.
k8 — Oh come on, you mean to tell me you don’t have one, not even ONE, celebrity crush?
KMW — Hi KMW! A certain person? Certainly you don’t mean me, do you? I am unfamiliar with this silliness of which you speak. This sounds like someone who would stick straws in her hair and then hang out the car window and I certainly wouldn’t do anything like that.
FreedomFirst — Hey there! You really should’ve seen the 45-year-old Ghostbuster. Now that certainly would’ve made you laugh.
At least you focused on the positive- wine -and lots of it. Dan probably gets that a lot, just like that dressing guy Paul something. Oh wait, isn’t that Paul guy dead? What do actors know about making salad dressing or wine?
We don’t get much of the fancy pantsy movie types out here in boringtown but I’ll see what I can dredge up of a foot in mouth story.
I thought you knew I am Above Reproach? I have no foot-in-mouth story, and several celebrity run-ins but alas, nothing funny. Yo uare still the Queen so far as I am concerned.
Ok, ok.....no to the Jimmy Buffett… How about… I know.... my brother was college roommates with Greg Pitts (the O face guy on Office Space - and most recently on Weeds and those All State commercials where he dresses up like a girl).
They are, in fact, still friends. (They just went to Denver for a Broncos game in December and Cabo for a drunken weekend last summer). And therefore, we are, in fact (twice removed) friends. Right? Isn’t that how that works?
Come on - I should win - who doesn’t need a bottle of Ghost Buster wine signed to Jason?
Toe — Paul something? You mean PAUL NEWMAN?! Paul Newman knows knew everything. Alas, he has taken his salad dressing and popcorn secrets to his grave.
Kori — You are definitely above reproach; especially when you call me Queen.
Jules — I think even twice removed friends should invite you to Cabo. Isn’t that what twice removed friends are for?
Whoo-eee Darlin.....a foot in mouth story? I have MANY.....but of course, I can only think of a couple. How to be BRIEF...you know, I am NEVAH brief.
#1.
As a 20 yr old, working at her first Big Girl job, I was a bookkeeper, office ‘girl’/apartment/duplex manager for a construction guy.
There was this lady who has all sorts of personal problems that was going to move out of a duplex. A second lady wanted said duplex. I called Lady #1 to get the scoop of her time frames (of moving out) and got the latest tale of woe about her divorce and I am certain other devastation in her life. I proceeded to call lady #2 to tell her that she couldn’t have the duplex for a while...and immaturely recounted EVERY DETAIL of this poor lady #1’s dismal life.......being all cute and gossipy, you know?
As it turned out, my airheaded 20 year old self actually dialed the FIRST number on my list (which belonged to lady #1) and of course her name was next to the number so unthinkingly I asked for her....and recounted her OWN SORRY LIFE BACK TO HER........yea...so much for cute and gossipy.
Same time period in life, and same big girl job.
It was my rough and gruff boss’s birthday. Remember he was a contractor/construction dude. His wife had a 2 carat diamond (which I thought was the hugest diamond I’d ever seen) and drove a Mercedes (which I though was the coolest thing EVAH).
Anyway, I bought construction dude a 12 pk of beer (whoopsie, I must have been 21, huh), and the CUTEST card. It said something like “Well Diggers get it right on their birthday” or something equally silly.
Since he was a construction dude, and he DUG, how appropriate, right?
He also happened to ba a sharp cookie and pointed out (pointedly) that the card was designed for WELL DIGGERS, not Well, Diggers........
Get it? Cause I’m sure it took me a while to get it after he told me of my stupidity.
Which leads to ANOTHER story that I remember......Mr. Perfectly and I (except he was boyfriend Perfectly back then) were SO excited to take the SAME Boss’s 3 yr old to the Zoo for a Halloween Spooktacular. We agreed on a pick up time, and showed up and the little kid was still napping. We all sat around for an hour or more waiting on the little kid to wake up. Sheesh.......
So we go to the park, have a blast, bring kiddie home. I go to work the next day to have Boyfriend Perfectly call me and tell me he nearly was in an altercation with the bank guard.....because the bank opened at 9 (or whatever) and it was LOCKED....the guard kept pointing to his watch, in which Boyfriend Perfectly kept pointing to HIS watch......as if to say DDDUUUUHHHHH....
As it turned out it was daylight saving time.
We’d showed up to pick the kid up AN HOUR EARLY......and didn’t even HAVE A CLUE.
It’s a wonder that guy didn’t fire me for my sheer stupidity. I can’t believe my family let me out on my OWN....obviously, I could barely function as a reasonable adult.
thanks for your consideration. I hope I win. This was fun and cathartic, regardless.
Oh, wait...there’s more.
Like the time Perfectly’s Dad bought some tickets for an ALABAMA concert at the Missouri State fair for all of uw (him, me, and Mr. Perfectly). We hadn’t planned in advance, and the show was sold out (I live in Missouri, remember??), so we drove to Sedalia to buy the tickets out front.
We went in, took our seats and were ‘apprehended’ by the Highway Patrol, since the tickets had been STOLEN from a State Fair campground.....and of course they thought possibly we were the thieves..........
Well, we weren’t exactly APPREHENDED, but we were talked to, Dad was questioned, and the rightful owners took the seats back. We were allowed to stay in the arena, though.....to mill around and listen to the music.
OH DINGO....I am sure I have so many more tucked away in my little pea brain........you may just end up sending me that bottle of wine just to make me SHUDDUP!!
BTW....I had no clue Dan Akroyd had wine. I’ve never seen it here in MO......
Nope, I didn’t fall into a black hole but I’m pretty sure she was the source of the Aerobics Fart Cloud. You know, where someone in the class unloads a Silent But Deadly, only no one knows where it came from and it hovers like an invisible cloud of death in the room so you’re forced to breathe through your mouth, only you don’t want to for fear of inhaling a stranger’s ass particles.
Well if Shelly wants a competition, here ONE more:
#3:
I was working at a fancypants resort and had to frequently interact with the chef, who I believed wanted to a taste of my sexy brown sugar. One of my coworkers swore that he only came to our office to see me, because, hello?, why would a chef leave his kitchen?
One day he sent me an email that had a wink emoticon or something at the end of it. So I forwarded the message to her saying “See, I TOLD you he wants my hot body!”
Only I didn’t hit forward, I hit REPLY and sent it to him.
My foot is pretty much permanently in my mouth...can’t pull it out long enough to think of an good example. As far as celebrity sighting go, they’re pretty common in these parts--just a frew miles from Nashville. Problem is, I never recognize them. I think every guy with curly hair is Robert Plant and every skinny blonde is Nicole Kidman who is in the neighborhood Starbucks ALL THE TIME.
Shelly — I am still laughing at your first story. Perhaps my favorite part: RECOUNTED HER OWN SORRY LIFE BACK TO HER.
thecoconutdiaries — The Aerobics Fart Cloud is nasty! I think I’ve wandered into one or two in my lifetime. And of course the chef wanted your hot body!
Here In Franklin — Ha! Whenever I visit my friend in Nashville, I think everyone looks like Alan Jackson. It drives her crazy. And then the one time I did see him, he didn’t have his cowboy hat on and I was flabbergasted that he was practically bald. But now I’m going to have to keep my eye open for Nicole Kidman.