Not So Friendly Skies
Way, way, way back in the day (or sometime last week), Dirty Laundry Diva tapped me for a meme. While I don’t ordinarily do memes because they are so much damn work, this one seemed easy. All I had to do is list seven interesting facts about me. Um yeah, sorry, don’t have much for you there.
So, I thought I’d expand on a topic that I’ve only briefly mentioned before. My life as a sky goddess. Yes, prior to attending law school I was a flight attendant for three and a half years.
All of you who just nodded your head and said, “Oh yeah! I can see that!” consider yourself cyberslapped. I HATE when people say that. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I get the opposite reaction when people find out that I’m a lawyer and practiced law at one of the nation’s largest and most expensive chew-them-up-and-spit-them-out attorney mills. Their brow gets wrinkled and there’s a puzzled look in their eyes. “Really?” they ask. “No, REALLY?” Yes, really, asshat. Is it really that difficult to imagine me in court dazzling the jury with my brilliance, striking fear into the hollow hearts of opposing counsel, and figuring out ways to screw the little guy so my corporate client with a gazillion dollars in his hip pocket can keep it there, waiting for the right lap-dance to saunter by? Is it?!? I ask you, esteemed internet, does the Dingo who appears before you today not look like she could wipe the floor with any and all who oppose her? And maybe also serve soft drinks and tiny bags of peanuts at thirty thousand feet?
Anyway, here are seven li’l tidbits about my life as a flight attendant for Pathetic Airlines:
1) It sucked.
2) I am the bane of Little People everywhere. One of my many run-ins with the Little People included the time I saw an unaccompanied minor gazing out the window. Being a good flight attendant (it’s flight attendant, NOT stewardess), I scurried to the galley and came back to her seat proudly bearing wings, Mickey Mouse ears, and an offer to tour of the cockpit once the plane landed. And yes, when I asked her if she’d ever travelled alone before, my face may have actually made a flushing sound when she answered, “I usually travel alone on business trips. They won’t let me bring my mommy.” Those Little People sure are touchy! I won’t even go into the time there was a group of Little People going to a convention. Let’s just say it was dark, the beverage cart had a wobbly wheel, and it’s not my fault it if I didn’t see their heads sticking out into the aisle. Who can lay down in a row of seats with your head in the aisle, I ask you? Decapitated Little People, that’s who.
3) I was instructed to ask if you are able and willing to remove the window in an exit row and assist your fellow passengers. I only ask that because in an emergency, I am going out the back door. Y’all can fend for yourselves.
4) I think they brought defibrillators on the airplanes just for me. There was a rather wearying stretch of time where at least once a week I had some sort of emergency. It was usually some poor schlub having a heart attack. But I also had to make two emergency landings, put out a fire, break up a fight, actually use the oxygen masks, and have the Marshalls meet the plane because of unruly passengers. This is before the term “air rage” came into being. Back then, we just called them assholes.
5) Believe it or not, if you brought a five-tier wedding cake on board for your sister’s wedding in Greensboro, or a beach umbrella and lounge chair for your Ft. Lauderdale vacation, or a Christmas tree, I could stow it away as carry-on for you. But it would not feel good and your ass would be sore for days.
6) Yes, I did make fun of you behind your back and often to your face. You just didn’t always know it.
7) Because I was based in NYC, I had many celebrities making the NY-LA trip. Some of them were jerks. Most of them were nice. One of the nicest ones was Val Kilmer. As the last passenger disembarked , my crew and I were rushing to our next flight about sixty miles at the other end of the airport. Everyone was gushing over Val Kilmer and asked what he was like. He was charming, I said. He was nice, I said. I’d definitely do him, I said. At that point, I dropped my ugly flight attendant sweater. I heard a voice say, “You dropped something.” As I turned to thank the gentleman and retrieve the ugly flight attendant sweater, I came face to face with Val Kilmer. Who had heard every word. Every. Word. He just smiled. I’d still do him.
So, think about these things the next time we discuss my career at Pathetic Air Lines. I bet you’re no longer thinking, “Oh yeah, I can see that!”
That’s all for now. Buh-bye!
Posted on Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 07:18 AM.
Tags: It's off to work we go, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
Hello, I totally worked for an airline, too! Worst job ever.
No POSSIBLE way I could ever be a flight attendant. People are too rude, and I don’t like turbulence.
I think this is my favorite post.
Ya know who else is actually really nice? Nick Cage. I shook hands with him once and made nice eye contact and he seemed really sincere when he said “thanks for coming out here to see me and freezing your ass off.”
I’m assuming that means he’d do me.
I sense a career move coming on...between the stars and the decapitated midgets - er, little people, sorry - my worklife would be much more interesting!
I love the one about making fun of people behind their back-and to their face. It really makes my day when I can totally slam someone without them actually “getting” it; and also reaffirms my supposition that a large part of the population should not be allowed to breed. I would do Val Kilmer too, BTW.
NPW — You too escaped the evil clutches of the airline industry! Way to go!
Mrs. Chili — People are even more rude when there’s turbulence. Didn’t you know that I control the weather? They sure thought so.
Crissy — I’m glad that the painful memories of one of the worse jobs I’ve ever had has brought you so much joy. And where in the world did you get to shake hands with Nick Cage? I’m guessing it’s not at a book signing. Dude can’t even read his lines, I doubt he could write a book.
Marian — Hee! And just think of the fashionable suits you’d get to wear to work everyday. With hose!
Kori — You can say almost anything with a smile and make it sound like a compliment. Mmmm...Val Kilmer.
Did you see anyone in the Mile High Club???
That reality show “Airline” is priceless and is the exact reason why I try to be utterly sweet to flight attendants. Worst flight ever: San Diego to Vegas. Everyone is too hung over and crafting alibis to be noisy on the way home, but the trip there is OBNOXIOUS.
I think if you they’d figure out a way to pump laughing gas in the air or allow the attendants to slip E into our beverages, it would make the flights smoother.
I’m too poor to fly anywhere...We went to Mexico 4 years ago, and I was so thrilled to be on a vacation, the flight attendants could have flipped me off and I’d still have grinned from ear to ear. I’m sure I would have annoyed you with my genuine, childlike excitement.
I’ve never met any celebrities, unless you consider State level politicians as celebrities.....
This post was amazing. Oh and I think we’d all do Val Kilmer.
I always think that fight attendants hate me, and I try very hard to earn their love.
Also, I completely enjoyed the Val Kilmer story..
--this word verification thing took me 3 tries so far…
You are such a Renaissance woman! Prosecuting (or defending), teaching the future of our nation, throwing soft drinks in the faces of dwarfs! Not many people can claim such diverse accomplishments.
I forgot to tell you in response to your previous post that Judge Reinhold came into the coffeehouse I worked at in college once. All I could think about was the bathroom scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High...and I was nervous he might sentence me to community service...being a judge and all.
You CAN resist the cake. Oh and don’t forget to go for your run tonight!
Haha number 2 had me cracking up. It’s not your fault you couldn’t tell! LOL
thecoconutdiaries — We once gave a round of applause to a couple who completed their in-flight coupling in the bathroom. But really, have you seen an airplane bathroom? Disgusting.
Shelly — Genuine childlike excitement is a good thing! Acting like a spoiled child (which I am sure you did not do) is not.
MsCatalysta — Stand in line! I saw him first! Hee! I will step away from the cake but it wasn’t nice of Mr. Dingo to leave it in reach!
Noelle — It was nothing personal. Flight attendants hate everybody.
Mel Heath — I like to think of my many jobs as research for the movie of my life.
Maxie — The cart would go thump, thump, BUMP, thump, thump, BUMP! And then a Little Person would sit up rubbing his head. It wasn’t my fault.
Ok- This made me laugh- thanks. And uh- I would do Val also- and its ok if he knows it/hears me say it! 
I can’t imagine working for an airline… Flying scares the pee water out of me!
The longer I am married to my husband the more I utter his favorite phrase: “I hate people.”
The lawyer thing wasn’t hard to imagine… the flight attendant thing is.
I’m sure Val was flattered. 
So you were the one who wouldn’t let me carry my Christmas tree on the plane. You should know it was the PERFECT tree. My Christmas was ruined. Who’d’ve thunk you can’t carry a christmas tree on a plane. It’s because I’m little isn’t it?
Jill Watkins — Hi, Jill! Yeah, it was kinda an unspoken wish that he would take me up on it but he didn’t. Oh well.
DirtyLaundryDiva — Would you believe that one of my roommates at the time was claustrophobic AND afraid of heights? She didn’t last long.
cajunvegan — I think I muttered that phrase quite a lot during those three and a half years. We had some great passengers but it’s always the idiots that stick out in my mind.
Jen of a2eatwrite — Hee! I heart you.
Megkathleen — Sigh. Yes, it’s because you are little. Look, if we let one elf on the plane we’d have to let them and and I’d never get down the aisle with the beverage cart! You’d think Santa would take better care of his helpers!
girl, i love when you make me laugh out loud (which is actually pretty much anytime you write something). i always try to be super-nice to flight attendants - it’s hard enough dealing with the public, but you can’t even escape anywhere on an airplane.
blakspring — Were you nice to your flight attendants on your way back from your vacay? Did you bring them Peruvian trinkets and tasty morsels? But most importantly, did you bring ME anything?
Man, I can’t wait for your book to come out! Suggestion for a title: “Coffee, Tea, Flying Little People, an Unnamed Greedy Corporate Bohemeth, Judge Judy, Plagerist Patty, and Me.” I’ll be wanting a signed copy.
saratogajean — Okay, you have GOT to enter the next caption contest. And I’ll send you an advanced copy of my book.
I’d do Val Kilmer, too. I’ve never met him, but I’d still do him. And if he wasn’t nice, I’d just put tape over his mouth.
Oh, man. When you are a child, being a flight attendant seems so glamourous. Once you grow up you realize it probably sucks. But it still ROCKS that you got to try it out for a few years. And I definitely laughed out loud at the Lollipop Guild in the picture. Hee hee.
If I ever get in trouble with the law, will you put your lawyer suit back on, just for me? Please?
Ever read “Ask the Pilot” over on Salon? You should start your own column, from the flight attendant’s point of view! I don’t think any career is as glamorous as it seems from the outside ("Go into IT, it’s easy and fun and you get to play with computers all day!").
If I ever run into Val around town, I’ll give him your card…
Ree — I like the way you think, lady!
Jane — It was fun for about all of ten seconds but I learned a lot from the experience so it was worth it.
GeekHiker — Wha--? You mean IT isn’t all about sitting around being paid to play video games? Oh, and if you ever run into Val around town, you’d better give him my number!
Great post!
I have a close friend who worked as an attendant for not one but TWO airlines (they do have a tendency to go belly up, eh?) and she always had the best stories. She eventually got crushed by the hordes of obnoxious people, the sore feet and the stupid personal appearance regulations and then became a nurse for preemies - who couldn’t talk back!
Btw, thanks for the good wishes after my poke in the eye moron maneuver! I think if I ever do this again and I cannot fathom why I would, I might try chopsticks…
O’Mama — TWO airlines? Wow, your friend has a lot of staying power. Being a nurse for preemies has to be so much more rewarding and I bet she gets no complaints about late arrivals.
I’m sure it’s even more fun now w/ everyone being so thrilled about paying extra on airlines!
April — I can’t even imagine the crap the flight attendants are getting these days. Remember everyone, if something goes wrong, blame it on the gate agent.