Phone Company Grass
I’m headed to Mom’s again for a few days to help out around the house. What that means for me is a lot of cougar training shopping yard work. What that means for you is cougar training shopping Odd Boy updates. Do you see all that I do for you? No sacrifice is too great to keep you, my dear readers, updated on the Adventures of Odd Boy.
Fortunately, the kids from Mom’s youth group came over this week to mow the lawn so all I have to do is some weeding and hedge trimming when I get there. There’s much more weeding to do now that the phone company updated the underground fiber optic lines. They ripped out Mom’s beautiful flowerbed by the front walk and, after they had finished, reseeded the area with grass. But not just any old grass. This Phone Company Grass is some of the toughest grass I have ever seen. We’ve uprooted it, sprayed it, and cursed at it. Well, I’ve cursed at it. Mom’s strongest curse is a half-hearted, “Well, darn it!”
No matter what we do to the Phone Company Grass, it keeps coming back. It is the herpes of grass. Osama Bin Laden may be made of this grass or, at least, hiding under it somewhere. Meanwhile, where the phone company did not touch anything, there’s a giant bare spot in the front lawn that looks like someone has been making crop circles with battery acid. I had better keep a closer eye on Odd Boy.
Odd Boy, you see, has a fascination with Mom’s lawn. He’s always offering to mow it. My mom told me that he seemed genuinely hurt to discover that the kids from church were mowing her lawn this week. He walked over to where Mom was dispensing iced tea and cookies to ask about her use of child labor.
Odd Boy: Is that your lawn?
Mom: Um….yes.
Odd Boy: Are those kids mowing your lawn?
Mom: Yes.
Odd Boy: Do you pay them to do that?
Mom: No, they’re from my youth group. They do it to help out.
Odd Boy: Well, I would’ve charged you to mow the lawn.
Mom (always wanting to help and thinking he might need the money): How much do you charge?
Odd Boy: Sixty-five dollars.
Mom: Sixty-five dollars! That’s… hey, how come I never see you mowing your own lawn?
Odd Boy: I’m not allowed to mow it by myself. My dad has to watch me.
Mom: So, how would you be able to mow my lawn?
Odd Boy: My dad would come over and watch me. Can I have some cookies?
Mom (handing him cookies): Of course!
Odd Boy: I would still charge you sixty-five dollars. My dad watches for free.
That Odd Boy, he drives a hard bargain.
Posted on Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 12:09 AM.
Tags: It's All Relative, In The Neighborhood, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
“Crop circles with battery acid.” Yeah.
We’ve got a spot on the lawn that WILL NOT GROW. Anything. No grass, no dandilions, no nothing. We call it the “cursed spot” and we pronounce “cursed” the old fashioned way - “curse-said.” And we don’t even HAVE an Odd Boy to blame it on.
Sigh.
Sixty five bucks, huh? Stick with the church kids, I say…
“My dad watches for free.”
Mighty big of him, I must say! 
yay! odd boy! my favorite new character in the dingo universe! more, please! how about a live video feed?
I think I love Odd Boy; really, that is a great offer! But i think I am SO in the wrong profession, I should be mowing lawns.
Mrs Chili — I like “curse-said.” I think I’m going to have to borrow that. And yeah, sixty-five bucks. He’s outta his mind.
Ree — Well, he can watch but no work equals no cookies!
sunny — I’m sure Odd Boy will give me plenty of material in the coming week. I will keep you posted. Maybe even an Odd Boy t-shirt?
Kori — I know! Sixty-five dollars! I could mow lawns for that money! Okay, no, I wouldn’t mow lawns for any money. I hate to mow lawns.
Do you think maybe Odd Boy has a kink in his optic nerve that prevents his brain from actually acknowledging what he sees? Is that why he has to ask really, really obvious questions all the time?
Odd Boy really IS odd! And expensive.
Dang, you can always learn something from Odd Boy.
Is he not allowed to mow the lawn because he tried to lick the blade?
I decided to take a gander on the internet to see what your mother could do with $65 instead:
1. An LED light blub
2. Cost of a barrel of gas
3. My new tattoo (getting it in 4 1/2 hours!)
4. J Crew Maryann Madras Clutch Purse on eBay
5. A personal training session
6. Training classes for 2 small dogs
7. Feeding 5 people for a week: http://www.suntimes.com/business/currency/1002122,CST-FIN-save12WEB.article
I’d say Mom made the right choice.
OddBoy is going to make a killing on Wall Street one day, and everyone will hail him as a “financial genius”. He will cease to be “odd” and will instead gain the moniker of “eccentric”. Just you wait and see.
Hmmm… maybe Odd Boy is the next Bill Gates. I’ll bet he was odd, too.
Sorry, folks, Dingo Girl and I have spent most of the day on the road. I had to do all the driving, she’s selfish like that.
Mel Heth — I actually think it’s that he doesn’t know how to start a conversation. He tries to act so much older than he is and he’s quite socially awkward (can you tell?) so I think he goes for what he knows. Which is the obvious.
Lara — Seriously expensive! I think the going rate around here is $25-$30. Maybe it’s really extortion money. Pay up and he’ll leave you alone for the rest of the week.
justrun — Unfortunately, the only thing I’m learning is the art of stealth and distraction. If we wave shiny things around and throw them a few feet away, he’ll be distracted long enough for us to make our exit.
thecoconutdiaries — Ha! What a hoot! Lick the blade. Ha! I’ll show this list to Mom so she’ll know what a good choice she made. Wait. What? Tattoo? You must tell more. You can’t just drop something like that and go on your merry little way.
GeekHiker — And when that happens, I’ll write to him and remind him of our deep and abiding friendship and ask to borrow a few million. I’ll let you know how that works out.
Jenofa2eatwrite — Bill Gates is still odd. He’s just rich. Things are not looking too good for Odd Boy. I don’t think he has very many customers in this neighborhood.
For $65 he better be edward scissorhands and make the bushes into lions and dinosaurs. Or at least throw in a backrub while your mom tries out her new cougar style.
You could always borrow some dogs and have them pee on it.
blakspring mdash; You were going in the right direction with the Johnny Depp image and then RUINED IT by mentioning an Odd Boy back rub. Ew.
Marie Wignall — I keep trying to get Dingo Girl to pee on it but she’s uninterested. She’d rather pee in the flowers that the phone company didn’t destroy.
Odd boy is my absolute favorite!!!!
I can’t wait to hear more.
Wow...OddBoy sure does drive a hard bargain. What do you suppose he’d charge to shovel the driveway after a snow storm? 80 bucks or so??
Now that is a seriously odd kid.
Wow.
Holy Smokes. I peed my pants a little at Odd Boy’s hard-bargain-drivin’ skills. I’d hate to be the one to tell him, but Odd Dad needs to know the law of the land: Nobody watches for free.