Red Read Well
First of all, I have to thank everyone for their advice and suggestions for how to deal with my back pain. Second, Innernetz, y’all are a bunch of broke down bitches. Herniated discs, IT band injuries, sprained ankles, sciatica, RA, damn, y’all! Can you imagine our blogger get together? With all the wheelchairs, canes, and walkers I’m sure we’d be mistaken for an AARP convention. I’ll be the one on the Hoveround. Or the riding mower. Not only do I think I’d look good on a John Deere, but I’m rather impatient. If any of you take too long perusing the prime rib at the buffet table, I will mow your decrepit asses down. Don’t try me.
Anyway, my back is feeling much better. I think some of the pain stemmed from hours and hours hunched over my desk grading the first papers of this semester. I’m also sure that some of the pain stemmed from the full body seizures said papers induced. How does one get to be a second semester college freshman without even the most basic knowledge of subject-verb agreement? And paragraphs, people! Blog posts without paragraphs are annoying enough. Five page papers without paragraphs? I don’t have the words. Wait! Yes, I do. Fucked. Up. Five page papers without paragraphs is just fucked up.
In spite of the trauma of grading sixty, five-page papers in one week, I must say that my classes this semester are amazing. The students are fun, enthusiastic and, for the most part, really want to learn. I don’t have any bad kids, you know, the kind of kids that make you wish that you could just send them to the principal’s office or one of those juvenile delinquent boot camps? Or run over them with a riding mower?
While I am there to teach them about literature and critical reading, I often use the texts as a springboard for discussions about current events, racism, classism, sexism, and about any other –ism you can name. I try to make literature relevant, even if it means that I sometimes stand on desks and flail my arms as I face the imaginary tanks of the Chinese army. I’ve taught Shakespeare in the dark, had them pick teams on the first day of class in order to discuss first impressions and biases, read articles to them about the genocide in the Sudan, and discussed the media circus and social implications of our fascination with Britney Spears, Branjelina, and Little J. I take great pride in squeezing social relevance from Stephen King, William March, and Angela Carter.
The only thing that we are not allowed to discuss in my class is the train wreck that is Twilight. Yes, I am practicing censorship. My class is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship. So, no Twilight. End of discussion. Oh, and Twilight lovers? Don’t even think of defending it in the comments. If you do, you should keep an ear and eye open for a John Deere bearing down on you in a haze of diesel fumes. Don’t try me. It’s bad for your health and the environment.
I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind overnight or even in a semester. What I do expect is to open their minds. I want to challenge their normal way of thinking about things. Sometimes I think I succeed. Sometimes, I think I fail miserably. This failure is never more disappointing than when some of my best and brightest students write things like,
Little Red Riding Hood should have known better than going into the woods alone. She got what she deserved.
*sigh*
Then, there’s this,
All women like to wear make-up and look beautiful. If she doesn’t look beautiful she is not normal. She is ugly. Ugly people are not normal. Women should wear make-up.
Do I even need to rant about the many ways in which that is just so wrong?
But, in all honesty, I’m not one of those people who thinks everyone is beautiful in their own way. Cheesy 70s song aside, I have seen some ugly people. Not you, of course, Innernetz, you are all beautiful. In your own way. But, back to the non-Innernetz ugly people. I live in NYC. I see ugly people every day. I don’t judge them. I just walk on the other side of the street in case the ugly is contagious. I kid! I kid! I don’t really judge people on their looks. I’m too busy judging them on their shoes. My point is — and yes, this post does have a point — my point is that Spring Break is still almost a month away and I can hardly wait.
Posted on Sunday, March 15, 2009 at 03:52 PM.
Tags: Little Red Schoolhouse, Oh the Horror!
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Comments & Trackbacks
I have a couple of points:
1. John Deeres ARE fun to drive. There are many around here so if you want to practice, come HERE for those drinks and we’ll drive some (even drunk....there are fields and such...)
2. I promise that I TRY my hardest to get the kids to write in paragraphs in 5th grade. I have no idea why they have not figured out how to do that by college.
3. Are you kidding? Ugly is definitely contagious. Especially ugly with no teeth.
4. Maybe I should start a massage business for the Innernetz broke down bitches. You could do the marketing.
Five-page papers without paragraphs are a mental condition just waiting for a cutesy name to be attached, so the pharmaceutical companies can cook up a bunch of chemicals to “fix” this problem.
On the subject of makeup, I personally am attracted to a natural look rather than one that comes from Revlon.
There is also a reason I dreamed of getting into radio: I was always told I had the face for it.
I may be a broke down bitch BUT I’ve never read, nor will I ever read, twilight. That has to count for something right?
Twilight will never be in my house either, unless it is some tasty mixed drink of some kind. Blah!
My college kid was on Spring Break this past week and my HS kid has his break at the end of the month. It wouldn’t make sense for them to be off at the same time.
Hope you have a restful and paragraph free Spring Break.
Jules — Thank you for doing your part for the “Please Start New Paragraph Here” Foundation. I think all incoming members must know how to drive a John Deere while plastered. I’ll be up for my lesson as soon as it’s warm.
Mr. POSSLQ — You’d be surprised how much make-up it takes to look as if you are wearing none at all.
Shania — Let’s hear it for the broke down bitches! Hooray! You can be second in command (I’m first because it was my idea). You have to make sure that none of the members have read twilight.
Tara R. — Oooh! A tasty mixed drink of some kind is just up my alley. Of course they couldn’t have Spring Break at the same time. That would just be too convenient now, wouldn’t it? I hope you get your own Spring Break soon.
See, I couldn’t be a teacher because I would have circled both of the above quoted portions and written in the margin in red pen “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??” I might continue on to refer both of them to the school counseling service since they’re obviously both deeply disturbed individuals.
But then, keep in mind that I was a psych major (which probably explains alot).
I do not, however, read Twilight. Since we’re dipping back into the 70’s… Twilight… never had it, never will!
Never read Twilight, don’t have any desire. Will you hate me if I feel the same about the Harry Potter series, too?
Ouch. 5 pages w/o paragraphs?
Our Spring Break is the week after next. Jealous?
THAT’S how I can win my ongoing war with the shiitake-mushroom-heads in the halls of Uberschool—a John Deere riding mower!! I can careen down the hall while hollering, “The fields are ripe for the harvest!! The fields are ripe for the harvest!!”
5 pages with no paragraphs?!?!?! What The Firetruck?!! That’s a travesty!!! Mow the paragraph-haters down!!!!
spring break.....drooooool......3 weeks away for me.....
I wish I had your job. I’d much rather laugh at the papers you describe than the shit that goes on in my elementary school.
ROFLMAO! If there was any doubt in my mind that you are the sort of teacher I would have loved had I ever had a teacher, it was gone as soon as you said no Twilight is allowed in your classroom. Seriously, when will they stop making outright CRAP and calling it movies? Ugh!
Not to mention that I also love John Deere. :D
MsDarkstar — I write my comments in pencil. There have been many, many times during the last week where I have had to erase what I write and be nice.
April — I thought that the first Harry Potter was interesting. I couldn’t even finish the second one. So, no, I do not hate you. I think you can be in my club. If you have any physical ailments, you can also be in my Broke Down Bitches Club. See Shania about membership.
Ms. H — I think that should be our rallying cry. I just burst out laughing thinking of you flying down the halls yelling, “The fields are ripe for harvest!”
jane — Elementary school. *shudder*
FreedomFirst — We read things in my class that I’m sure many people would not consider literature. However, I refuse to read poorly written texts that I wouldn’t even use to line a bird cage.
Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!
I heart Edward 4-evR!
No earthly interest at ALL in reading Twilight. Glad the back is better. It fucking blows when you have back pain, I know, I’ve been there
“How does one get to be a second semester college freshman without even the most basic knowledge of subject-verb agreement?”
Please, Dingo, when you find the answer to this question, SHARE!!
i thought i was the only one unimpressed with twilight. i finally read it just to see what all my students were obsessing over and thought “meh”.
also, i would like to give a beat-down to the student who wrote that crap about women and makeup. please dingo, just let me know who it is and where i can find him. cuz i’m sure it’s a him.
I hear you, I need a break too! We have so many computer problems at work right now that more often than not our work is lost and we have to do the same thing all over again. And while I re-do and re-do my work, I can’t study. Which doesn’t help. Fortunately my boyfriend, a friend of ours and I made plans for the summer over the weekend. We saw pictures of Guernsey (channel island between UK & France) and we can’t wait to go there! 
And buy that Varier chair… seriously.
I want a Hoveround in The Worst Way!!! Not only can you run people over at the grocery store, you can take those things to The Grand Canyon and shit.
As someone who has read the first and last book in the Twilight series, I can say that the only way that book belongs in a classroom is in a graduate level Young Adult Literature class to be explored as cult literature. Like Harry Potter.
Man, where were you when I was taking English classes and reading The Scarlet Letter for the fifteenth time??
Per your request, I will not comment on Twilight except to say that no one in that book is ugly, so at least there is that.
sunnyd Can you smell the diesel?
Jessica — You know, since Phoebe is exploring her career options, maybe you should steer in the direction of massage school, acupuncture, and chirpracty (chiropractorship?).
Mrs. Chili — When I find that answer and the answer to the hundreds of other burning questions I have about my students, I’ll write a book. You will receive an autographed copy.
blakspring — Alas, a girl wrote that comment. It’s absolutely heartbreaking how many women in my class think the same way.
Marjolein — I think that I should get some sort of sponsorship to travel Europe for several months. I’ve always wanted to go to Geurnsey. It looks amazing.
Crissy — We should get matching Hoverounds. You can put Girlfriend in the basket on the front. I bet she would have gotten into that snotty school if you’d showed up in a Hoveround. You might have also gotten one of those cool placards that lets you park up close.
stealthnerd — I hear you! If I had to read The Fountainhead one more time I was going to scream.
nancypearlwannabe — In that, you are correct. Everyone in Twilight is amazingly beautiful. Just like in real life.
See? Fifth grade grammar I can deal with. College? Um. My head might implode over it. When I look at profiles on match.com? If there’s ANY spelling or grammatical errors, I hit delete. Immediately. I’m such a bitch like that.
I’m fugly and I wear hiking boots. Are we still allowed to be friends?
k8 — There’s nothing bitchy about that. But now that I know you are the grammar police, I’m going to have to make sure to proofread my posts!
GeekHiker — Have you tried wearing make-up?
Screw you all, I’m getting one of these. Max speed 20 MPH. Eat my dust!
http://bored-bored.com/technology/toyota-i-real-concept-wheelchair/
I don’t wear makeup unless I am going out on a date (meaning I have plans to bang the bed against the wall), because it doesn’t help me look any less unattractive. Just saying.
One question: Have you read Twilight? Or at least read the first chapter? And don’t see the movie. I’m a fan and don’t get me started on the movie. I don’t care if the author was behind the creative processes. Bitches fucked up.
Furthermore, when has a literature-based film ever been successful that didn’t have Meryl Streep in the cast?
Anywho, this comment is made even more epic by the fact that I’m sitting in the driveway of my rented house in Long Beach which I have just locked myself out of. I happened to have my mac with me so I logged on to busy myself until my landlady arrives home from work in half an hour. Fuck my life!!
Toe — But...but...you’ll get whiplash! Then you’ll be overqualified to be in the Broke Down Bitches Club. Only one injury per person.
Kori — I don’t know what it means when women only wear make-up for special occasions. Does that put them in a new category? I’ll have to ask my student. But, just to be on the safe side, always wear smudge proof mascara and lip gloss.
Kazuki — I’m sure if you stand around hyperventilating and angsty, Edward will come save you. But probably not before you are run over by a John Deere tractor. You were warned.
That kid who thinks ugly people aren’t normal has obviously never taken a good look around. Or been inside a Wal-Mart.
So how DO you respond when kids say (or write) dumb stuff like that? I’d love an audio file of one of your lectures! I hope it was at least a moronic male student who made the makeup comment.
Oh and by the way, I’ve met Geekhiker in person and I’d swear he was wearing a little guyliner. He looked really pretty.
Oh my gosh, I am such a schmuck! I didn’t even ask you about your back-- forgive me!
I had no idea how appropriate or well-timed the Twilight conversation was. Did I mention how scared of it I am? Because I am.
Okay, my brain doesn’t work any more. Must come back and write more later. (But look, I can still manage to hit the Return key!)
First, I am so glad you back is feeling better! Mine is hurting now, I think you gave me your pain!
Second, how in the hell do you grade that many 5 pages papers? I would go insane and my eyes would bleed! Oh and the one with no paragraphs? You did just give them a failing grade and stop reading right?
For a nice Jewish girls, I am inordinately fond of my Deere. My old friends back in the big city shake their heads sadly at the image of me on my green fiend, but they just don’t get that I am imagining mowing down bad grammar and poor S/V agreements coming out of their big city pie holes. Hmm, can anyone tell I am NOT going to the 25th high school reunion being planned?
I am glad your back is improving, and that your sensa huma is intact despite the crappy papers.
As for Twilight, my 14 year old daughter has read all the books (from her 8th grade English teacher), has seen the movie twice, owns the glossy movie book and has a crush on one of the perfectly gorgeous characters. I hate the themes, the assumptions and the reality-skewing gender roles and although I can’t find it right now, a vlog I saw a few months back asserts how BAD for teenage girls this portrait of unattainable happiness, with male perfection, is. My kid needs some reality shaping now and I’m working on it!
I’m going to run over the glossy book with my Deere!
Thank you for taking a stand on Twilight. I fully support you in your decision.
What the? word verification: soviet47
Although I have not read the Twilight books, I understand that they are packed with poor writing , clichés, and sexism. All that I’m saying is, based upon the writing samples you posted, it looks like you have unwittingly been discussing Twilight all along. End of discussion.
What do these kids saying when/if they come in to your office for paper conferences, etc.?
Also, I don’t know who Little J is. Dammit. I was going to try to be ‘with it’ this year <--- that’s what the kids say, eh? 
flurrious — The girl who wrote this sits next to a girl who doesn’t wear make-up. Now I can’t stop looking at the two and wondering how Women Should Wear Make-Up girl stops herself from running out of the room screaming.
Mel Heth — Out loud I ask them to examine their biases and stereotypes and we talk about the issues. In my mind, I’m screaming “WTF! Are you possibly this much of a moron?”
justrun — I think the strawberry butter on our breakfast prevented me from ranting about the debacle that is Twilight. Although you notice, I did manage to slip in a little snark.
Talina — I did go insane. My eyes did bleed. I slept very, very little. I talked to the student who wrote without paragraphs. Her excuse? She was attempting to write her paper in prose form. It was an artistic endeavor. Um, right.
O’Mama — You have just listed many of the reasons I can’t stand the Twilight series. It’s no wonder my female students hold 1950s values when they are reading that tripe! And it’s no wonder they can’t write!
Summer — I knew it! It’s a Communist plot to keep our kids illiterate!
stoogepie — Stoogepie, mine eyes are opened. You are so right.
Reagan — The students who really need to come to my office hours seldom do. They like to wait until the end of the semester to whine about their grade and ask how they can do better. As for Little J and being “with it”—I have E!Online and Talk Soup to thank.
I’m glad to know that in every year of their schooling (at least in high school) these kids are taught about subject-verb agreement but they forget it. All I have to say to the teacher who wears a snorkel to teach commas--it’s not worth the effort, they’ll forget the commas but remember you being silly.
My heartbreaking sentence this week was related to our reading of Night and how Elie Wiesel somehow chose to be called by a number--tatooed onto his arm by the concentration camp administrators. People THINK!
John Deere at the buffet table--just as long as you’re not near the desserts I’ll move out of your way.
Laura — A snorkel to teach commas? I must hear more about this. My students can name every tween, teen, and pop star from the past ten years but just the other day I discovered that most of them had never heard of Charlotte Bronte or Jane Austen. What is this world coming to!
roll on the next holidays...I’ve had it too!
Hope your back is better soon my dear!
word verification is young71...is it trying to be funny?
I totally agree on the Twilight. I just hung my head in shame for renting the movie thinking it might be some cult thing that I’d end up loving… WRONG. It was terrible. Granted all books are generally better than the movies… but honestly I can’t imagine it getting any better. It was baaad.
rosie — All of our school holidays seem to come at the beginning of the fall semester. By this time of the year, students and teachers are climbing the walls for a break.
MsCatalysta — I hope, grasshopper, that you have learned your lesson. Bad books seldom make good movies.
Your Little Red Riding Hood student plagiarized the hell out of my thesis statement for my Senior Seminar in college.