Spring Jail Break

Spring Break!  Woohoo!  As much as I love my students I’ve been looking forward to shooing them out of the classroom and onto the beaches into the arms of Girls Gone Wild.  That our Spring Break is a full month after almost every other university’s bacchanal means that their only competition in those lovely rites of Spring called the “drink until you puke” and the “Mom, can you send some money? I’m in a Tijuana jail” (not that I speak from first-hand experience) are retirees, nursing home residents, and fugitives fighting extradition. 

I’m a little worried about them though.  Not in the world is a dangerous place type of worried, but more along the lines of what-the-hell-are-you-thinking?!? type worried.  I worry about their judgment and their ability to make decisions tougher than paper or plastic.  It’s not due to mental capability — these are some smart kids — but from their moral compass.  Their directional needles pointing to right and wrong are broken, or at the very least bear a strong resemblance to a corkscrew. 

Throughout the semester we have used various characters to discuss questions of accountability, justice, and morality.  Is Jack from The Shining accountable for his behavior when he’s drunk?  Is Robert Neville’s brand of justice in I Am Legend acceptable?  What is our obligation to ourselves and society when faced with a zombie invasion?  You didn’t think horror literature could be so ethically entrenched did you?  So we can clear the air and move on go ahead and admit that, when I told you that I taught horror literature, you thought it was a fluff course.  Anyway, in discussing our class readings, I always give my students scenarios somehow related to the ones faced by the characters in our readings. I try to make them circumstances that they might actually encounter and ask how they would handle the situation.  In doing so, I have learned waaay too much about my students.  Namely, that they are thieves, but loyal.  You don’t want to give them the key to your house but you definitely want them on your side should you decide to go on a mass murder spree.  Let me explain.

In one of the scenarios we discussed this week, I asked them what they would do if they found a wallet containing a drivers license, credit cards, and twenty dollars.  They all said they would return the wallet.  Awww!  My heart felt good.  But then most of them — MOST — said that they would take the twenty dollars before returning the wallet.  What?  Is there a service charge on being a good Samaritan these days?  Now, I try not to pass judgment on my students but this called for a carefully crafted question and answer session that would gently lead them to the conclusion that taking the twenty dollars is WRONG!  This is how it went:

Me:  The wallet contains a drivers license and even a work ID.  You know where the person lives and works.  You can Google their contact information.  Do you still take the twenty dollars?

Thieves #1-25:  Yes.  Of course!

Me (sputtering uselessly):  But that’s, that’s stealing!!

Thief #1:  They shouldn’t have lost their wallet.

Thief #2:  If I go through the trouble of returning their wallet, I should get a reward.

Me:  Shouldn’t that be up to the person whose money you just stole?

Thief #1:  They should be glad they’re getting their wallet back.

Me:  And you wouldn’t be all red-faced to hand them their wallet with twenty dollars missing.

Thieves #1-25:  No!  No way!

Angelic student:  I would return the wallet and the money, Prof. Dingo.

Me (making sure my wallet is securely in my purse and strapped to my wrist):  Thank you, Angelic Student.  I’m glad someone here has a conscience.

Thieves #1-25:  Booo!  Booo! 

We went on to discuss when and where they drew the line at stealing and it simply got more disheartening.  I will save you having to read the transcript but I do advise that you not keep any money in your wallets.  Your bank and credit cards are safe.  Your cash is not.  Oh, if you have a Starbucks Card, kiss that good-bye.  It’s as good as cash.  See!  It even says so on the back.

If that’s not bad enough, apparently you stand by your friends through thick, thin, and anti-social behavior.  As we concluded our discussion of Jekyll and Hyde yesterday and analyzed Hyde’s uncontrollable forays into evil and depravity, we talked about accountability.  Sigh.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Maybe I should avoid all explanations and just issue warnings like this:  Run for your lives!!  Apparently this generation (OMG, I’m channeling my Mom) lacks a sense of accountability.  Blame it on drugs or a hangnail; whatever you do from drunk driving to robbing the corner bodega, it’s not your fault.  You don’t even have to assert the devil-made-me-do-it defense.  Just proudly proclaim, “I did it!” making sure to add, “but it wasn’t my fault!” That’s your get-out-of-jail-free card, baby.  And you will probably have a book deal to boot. 

I then drew a very extreme hypothesis in an attempt to start out broad and gradually work our way to something more specific in order to lead them to some sort of balance about their views on accountability. 

Me:  Okay, so you don’t turn your best friend in for stealing even though every weekend she’s robbing 7-11’s at gun point in order to support her meth habit.  What about murder?

Accessory After the Fact (AATF) #1:  No!  You stand by your friend.

Me:  Even for murder?

AATF #1:  Yes, no matter what.

Me:  What if she kills someone every weekend? (yes, sometimes this class goes to very dark and disturbing places).

AATF #2:  Well, if she was doing it all the time then I might go to the police if I couldn’t get her to stop.

Me:  Where do you draw the line?  One?  Two?

AATF #3:  Five.

Me:  Wh--?!  Pglshhk!  FBklish!  (recovering).  Five!  So murders one through four were just gimmees but you draw the line at five.

AATF #4:  Well, by then, you know she’s not going to stop.

AATF #2:  But it’s not her fault because she’s on meth.

Angelic Student:  Prof. Dingo, I would turn her in at one murder!

AATF #1-25:  Booo! Booo!

So these are the people I’m releasing into the wild for Spring Break.  Very little sense of personal accountability and an almost nonexistent sense of social accountability.  Lock your doors.  Carry your mace.  And have a great weekend!