Take This Oreo And Shove It
An Oreo-wielding, Up–With-People-ish, Pollyanna with a used car salesman smile and faux bohemian dress from Urban Outfitters ruined my week. There I was minding my own business mocking the pseudohippies worshiping at the Imagine Mosaic in Strawberry Fields when Pollyanna approached waving a half-empty tray of Double-Stufs.
No, it was not half-full. It was half-empty. Call me a pessimist if you like, but if you have a tray half-full of Double-Stufs, you have a math problem. The answer is B: a full tray of Stufs.
Speaking of SAT questions, Strawberry Fields does not have any strawberries and it’s definitely not a field. What it does have is a mixture of Baby Boomers paying respects to John Lennon and his message of love and harmony together with a mob of stoned, weeping baby boomer offspring in Abercrombie tie-dyes. Not only was the Abercrombie Generation not even born when Lennon lived and died, but their idea of activism consists of peacefully demonstrating that marijuana is not an antidepressant. I was tempted — oooh, so tempted — to stir the pot (no pun intended) by calling out, “Snap out of it! I mean, it’s not like he was Adam Lambert or anything!” Two things stopped me.
One, I was in no mood to fend off patchouli wearing pseudohippies wielding sitars and body odor like NYPD night sticks. Two, there were Oreos. Remember how, waaaay up at the top of this post, I mentioned Oreos? You forgot, didn’t you? Don’t worry, so did I. Anyway, I know that you’re not supposed to take anything anyone hands you on the street. But it was the park, it was sunny, there was music, and rainbows and unicorns, and second hand pot smoke. And Pollyanna and her group of merry women were singing “All You Need Is Love” and waving to everyone and smiling. It was like a good ol’ fashioned love in without the body fluids. I got caught up in the moment and took the entire tray an Oreo. And like that, I was doomed. I had just twisted the top off the Oreo and was scraping my teeth across the creamy Double Stuf goodness when Pollyanna says, “You’ve been tagged!”
Tagged? What the hell? Look, bitch, Dingo doesn’t do memes so I’m not buying whatever you’re selling but can I have another Oreo? Instead of an Oreo, she hands me a card with the following message:
Someone reached out to you with an anonymous act of kindness. Now it’s your chance to do the same. Do something nice for someone, leave this card behind, and keep the spirit going!
I would’ve handed the card back if I’d have known the existential crisis it would cause, but I was already up to the part of the Oreo-eating exercise where you suck really hard on your teeth, so I was kinda stuck. Fuckers. Who hands out Oreo cookies and then asks people to pay it forward? Fuckers, that’s who. Kind twatwaffles who want to screw with my life. And so I’ve spent the past week running around trying to do kind things for people to get this monkey off my back. It’s not as easy as you’d think.
First of all, there are no guidelines. Just how kind do I have to be? Hold the door open for a group of nuns kind, or rescue a child from adoption by Madonna kind? I spent all last week in a miasma of kindness. And it sucked. Nothing I did seemed worth tagging someone else and saying, “Ha, ha, I did something kind for you, now you’re royally fucked! Good luck trying to pay off this karmic debt, loser!” I mean, doesn’t tagging someone with the Kindness Card undo the kindness you’ve done?
I thought I was free and clear when I saw a couple rooting around for a quarter to put in the parking meter. I surprised them by popping a quarter into the meter. They said, “Thank you!” It was too easy. I couldn’t give them my card. Not for a lousy quarter. I had to do something MORE. I’ve been scouring the city trying to do something kind enough to warrant giving this burden to someone else. I thought I was off the hook later that day. As I turned the corner in the grocery store, I noticed this little old lady trying to reach a can of green beans on the top shelf. Hopping around on pale little bird legs sticking out of yellow leggings she looked like one of those wind-up chicks you get at Easter. I kept waiting for her to wind down and fall over. I got the can for her, threw some birdseed in the aisle behind me, and went on my way. But I didn’t give her the card. “Hey, old lady! You’ve been tagged! Good luck finding someone shorter than you so you can repay this kindness! Maybe you should carry a ladder with you everywhere from now on to keep this from happening to you again, huh?” It just seemed wrong.
I keep thinking that I should just toss the card, but I can’t. So, I’m a wandering Persephone, doomed by an Oreo to be kind to people. Except Pollyanna. If I ever see that bitch again I’m going to punch her in the face.
Posted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 04:23 AM.
Tags: In The Neighborhood, La Vida Loca
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Comments & Trackbacks
Maybe bitch slapping the Pollyanna would be your act of kindness to stop her campaign Oreo extortion. Hmmm?
All she gave you was an Oreo as her act of kindness? You’ve done enough. Don’t give out the card. THAT’S your act of kindness. (p.s. the word verification is ‘needs 42’ as in “I ‘needs 42’ oreos to pass that card on.")
that’s like one of those stupid chain-letters that you’re supposed to send to 20 people or you will die the next day. i say it is your duty to just get rid of the card. you do enough good by entertaining people with your stories of nyc crazies.
hallelujah!
if you really really need to get rid of the card, try plugging an expired meter and leaving the card on the windshield.
Leave some cookies for your neighbours in the hall together with the card?
Hee! I find the image of you wandering around the streets of NYC with a karma card in your wallet hilarious.
awesome! i would have taken an oreo, too, and would have been stuck in this cycle as well. I mean, why would you need to give someone a damn card just so they know you were being nice? Twatwaffles, lmao. I just re-read this whole post, love it.
Send a $15 donation to your favorite charity and enclose the card in the envelope. I got that inspiration from 15aid - my word verification.
Next time Thing1 or Thing2 need letting in at some ungodly hour, let them in and then leave the card outside their door (Or stick it on their forehead if they pass out in the hall...) I liked the idea of plugging the parking meter and leaving the card on the windshield, too.
Or HEY! Next time you give a student’s paper a D-, you could clip the card to the paper. If they ask, tell them you were going to give them an “F” but decided to “pay it forward” and give them a chance to not fail the class. *snicker Then, maybe, they’ll do you the kindness of paying attention and turning in something worth grading. (Yeah, that made me laugh, too)
And Pollyana is a chucklefuck who deserves a punch in the puss for luring people into her pay it forward trap with tasty, tasty Oreos!
Hmmm, “average” was my authentication word… is that my grade on this comment?
Handing out the card does undo the original kindness. It’s like handing someone a note telling them to admire your awesomeness. Just toss it.
Rip the card up. It’s only there to make you feel guilty. Burn it.
Lol. Don’t sweat it; after all, she only gave you a freaking Oreo. Even double-stuf, that still doesn’t equal the kindness of a quarter in the meter. Let it go. I have a feeling kindness is going to make you erupt like a volcano. :D
Thank God I 1. don’t care much for oreos and 2. am simply not nice enough inside to care. : )
Tara R. — Oreo extortion must be stopped!
Jules — Yes, her Oreo was her act of kindness and it wasn’t very anonymous, was it?
blakspring — I hate chain letters. I always say that I’m not superstitious but they still freak me out when I don’t send them on.
miss. chief — That’s a good idea! Unless, of course they leave it there all day (sometimes parking tickets are cheaper than paying for parking). Then they’ll see the card next to all the parking tickets and wonder WTF?
Marjolein — I wish there were some way to package common sense. They could really use some of that.
nancypearlwannabe — It’s ridiculous! Because every time I do something for someone, I say to myself, “Well, I would have done that without the card,” so I keep waiting for a spectacular act of kindness.
jane — Telling someone you are kind is just like telling someone you are humble.
Ree — Ohhh! I like this idea. You should think of my word verifications like fortune cookies full of wisdom and good advice.
MsDarkstar — I don’t care what the word verification says, you get an A+ on this comment!
flurrious — See, I would LOVE to hand out cards telling people to admire my awesomeness. I’d have to order them in bulk.
k8 — I think you might have the right idea. I don’t need a card to make me be kind to other people. Although this card has made me aware of how rude some people are when you do something kind for them. No, “thank you” when you give up your seat on the subway, no acknowledgment when you pick up something they dropped (stuff I would do anyway). Maybe I should have “You’re so rude” cards printed.
FreedomFirst — I would like to think I’m a kind person, but obligatory kindness just rubs me the wrong way.
Kori — 1) You don’t like Oreos? Not even the creamy center filling? 2) Hahahahahah!
“rescue a child from adoption by Madonna kind”: I was roaring with laughter. At work. Oops.
Shame on the Abercrombie hippie for her act of “kindness”. People should do good deeds because they feel compelled to do them, not because they expect to get shit from it, or to force other people to do shit. A good deed is its own reward, Abercrombie hippie.
Also, Dingo, I know you’re reading ‘Pride & Prej & Zombies’; I was wondering if you’d seen the movie ‘Fido’? Seriously, it’s the best zombie movie I have ever seen. F’sho.
Lol… you may find some ideas here: http://www.helpothers.org/
Veronica — I haven’t seen Fido yet. Is it about a zombie dog? I can’t handle anything bad happening to dogs. People, yes. Dogs, no.
Reagan — I looked at that web site and...those are the Abercrombie hippies who gave me my card!! Oh, no! Have you been touched by their madness? Unless, of course, you are one of them and then it’s a wonderful idea. Good for you. But you take care of animals. You don’t need their stupid card. Unless, of course, you hand them out then it’s a great thing. Good for you.
Once again another brilliant post. Seriously, the description of the old lady with the bird legs? Spot on! and the oreo part where you’re scraping your teeth across all that incredibly tasty trans fat? I laughed out loud. See you next month in NYC. Lunch is on you. Didn’t you know that funnier person always has to pay?
The idea is right, but the execution is wrong. The idea of paying something forward isn’t that it’s something you should be told or instructed to do, it’s something you should be inspired to do. I say burn the card and do whatever your spirit tells you.
Oh, and “kind twatwaffles”? Where do you come up with such hilarious imagery?
As usual, my city seems SO boring. But at least no dumbasses are asking me to be randomly kind. I like to feel I’m randomly kind on my own damn terms.
I’m thinking you can use that card with students, though. Seriously, the next time you read a paper that sounds JUST LIKE another paper you’ve already read, you can threaten them within an inch of failing and then hand them the card and feel totally confident in your kindness.
Or, you can save it for me on my next visit because I’d like to pretend I’m some freak hippie wannabe and walk around giving away Oreos with the middle licked out. Because that’s the only part I like.
Oh, DEAR! That IS an existential crisis. The whole point of “paying it forward” is that one does it out of the kindness of one’s heart, not because one’s been tagged. A kind act done out of obligation is not a true kindness.
I say, consider your debt paid. In spades. Toss the card (or, if you MUST relieve yourself of the card “honestly,” put another quarter in a meter and leave the card under the windshield wiper). Seriously; don’t waste any more energy worrying about this…
Just toss the card. It’s possibly the kindest thing you could do for the world at large.
I think you should give it to the first person who can successfully stuff a ballgag in Sarah Palin’s pie hole.
That was too funny. Handing out Oreos does not merit a pay it forward card. The card takes all the energy out of the act anyway.
I wish I could go to NYC this summer.
My gawd, girl! You sure tagged the shit out of the boomers and their spawn. Wow. I worked as a volunteer at a distress center for 13 long fucking months and ended up just hating the world even more for allowing bad things to happen to the helpless and the innocent. I got no fucking Oreos.
And after you punch her in the face?
Make sure you hand her the card.
Cuz you will have done humankind a big fat favor.
Now if she had handed you a martini, that might merit a returned favor. But an Oreo? I mean if it has to be a cookie, couldn’t it at least be of the Pepperidge Farm variety?
Jessica — If they don’t mind me paying with funny money, we’ll go to the most expensive place in the city. Seafood, right? I’m looking forward to meeting you!
GeekHiker — These images just float around in my head. My brain is a very scary place.
justrun — It would be hilarious to hand out Oreos missing their center. It’s a plan. Girl, you come up with the best ideas.
Mrs. Chili — I completely understand wanting to spread compassion and kindness but making it an obligation defeats the purpose. Especially if they want you to brag about it by handing out a card!
Mr. POSSLQ — Agreed.
thecoconutdiaries — Now that’s the best idea I’ve heard so far! I don’t think I could possibly have enough cards for all the volunteers.
Pseudo — I wish you could come here, too! Although living in Hawaii and wishing you were in NYC seems rather counterintuitive to me.
G — I’m impressed that you worked at a distress center. I would have been even more impressed if they’d given you Oreos.
Ms. H — That’s funny! And I would make sure she knew what hit her.
HereInFranklin — If she’d handed me a martini we’d be best friends my now.
Here is how I would handle it…
“I am not going to put my fist down your throat...consider that my act of kindness...here’s your card.”
Damn hippies and their Oreos. If they were pot brownies maybe you would owe somebody something but one lousy cookie...forgetaboutit.
Oh my god I would feel like such a doofus handing someone that card. I’m all for paying forward kindness - but to attach a card to it?! Is Hallmark going to start a new line of Pay It Forward cards? I think you should just do something nice for Mr. Dingo and pawn it off on him.
Does vomiting up an oreo count as paying it forward?
You could wrap the card in a buck and give it to a bum. (At least that’s what I would do.) An Oreo is definitely worth a buck.
When you said “You’ve been Tagged!” I tottaly thought you’d had an LSD Tagged Oreo. That would have been better than a card, especially with all the tye dye hopping around.
I agree - I think the giving of the card does in fact take away from the kind act. Maybe you should just start carrying Oreos around...oh and by the way, twatwaffles? Excellent.
This is storytelling at its finest.
I think you should give it to Senator John Ensign. His karma is pretty stinky right now so he has lots of paying it forward to do.
LOL @ the faux bohemian UO dress!!!
MTAE — That’s the kind of conversation that would go on in my head as I smiled and ate another Oreo.
The Accessorista — You make a very good point. I can buy my own damn Oreos!
Mel Heth — I tried pawning it off on Mr. Dingo. He’s too smart for that.
Toe — I imagine being tagged with and LSD Oreo would give me something groovy to blog about.
Harna — Carrying Oreos around would definitely not work. I’d end up eating the middles and handing out the shell like justrun suggested above.
Deborah Bailey — Senator John Ensign is experiencing Pay back right now. If he ever wants to avoid getting caught with his pants down and his foot in his mouth (how’s that for mixing metaphors!) then maybe he should keep his mouth filled with Oreos.
Valleygirl71 — I love how ‘being an individual’ means that they dress just like everyone else.
I think the whole having to give someone a card to prove how kind you’ve just been to them totally defeats the purpose of BEING KIND! It’s like “randomly” sending someone a wad of cash in a card that you signed and then placed in an envelope with your return address on it. Um, that’s not kindness...it’s an exhibition of flamboyant goodwill.
Do yourself the kindness and rip that card up. They were only fake hippies, anyway.
Now I hate this girl too. First of all giving someone a card and a dubious ‘gift’ face to face doesn’t count as anonymous in my book. Plus, a NOT EVEN FULL tray of Oreos seems like a cop out as far as anonymous kindness. Not even handmade
Just Me — I know, right?! If I’m going to be “anonymously” kind to someone, I want them to take the wad of money I donate and put my name on the wing of the hospital built to treat Internet addiction.
Tress — Fake hippies with their damned Oreos! Hippies don’t even eat Oreos! All that high fructose corn syrup is just a tool of The Man to keep us down.
Prosy — We can go to the Imagine Mosaic together and when I point her out to you, you cause a distraction and I’ll take the rest of the Oreos. Or, we could just go to the store and buy our own. Either way, I think we’ll end up with a bottle of wine sitting on the hill making fun of the hippies.
Hahahahahaha! I think the card totally negates the purpose of doing a good deed. I think you should compost it.
that is similar to the plot of drag me to hell. it’s also similar to the plot of night of the demoan (aka curse of the demon) which drag me to hell ripped off.
I love this post. I missed you. I think you should have given the parking meter people the card. I think a quarter is pretty equal to the oreo.
Oh my...I think you have definitely done your acts of kindness. Love your description of the poor little old lady as a wind up Easter chick. I can’t get that out of my head. As for the card, I think you should send it to the company that makes Oreos and tell them you have promoted their product for free by mentioning it on your blog. I can’t tell you how much I want to go buy a freakin’ box of them right now. I am drooling! Now that’s an act of kindness…
Allie — Because composting is being kind to the environment! You’ve covered all the bases.
jacob — Hi, Jacob! I was also thinking that somehow it might be related to Sweeney Todd. Which is a rip-off of, um, nothing?
Crissy — Girl! I’ve missed you, too! I have your “Congrats on popping out a baby” card here on my desk. I’ll send it someday. You might find a Kindness Card inside of it. Just because I figured you would have some spare time on your hands to figure out kind things to do for people.
Whiney Momma — Hello, Whiney Momma! And then maybe they’ll send me a full tray of Double-Stufs as a thank you! Ohhhhh! You are full of good ideas. Stick around.
Frame the fucker. Proof positive of all your (reasonably) good intentions. Then go have some guilt-free oreos and never think of this again.
Great post, by the way, in a this-should-be-a-novel kind of way.
I like the bitch slapping Polly Anna idea! lmao
I think your random act of kindness was not taking ALL of the Double-Stufs. Now if you’d sent a few my way, you’d definately be in the clear. In fact, that might free you up for some random acts of un-kindness, like punching Pollyanna.
Just sayin’.
I like Oreos.
Hilarious! Absolutely Hilarious.