The Thing That Irritates Me
I was up at 3am this morning because one of the Stiletto Sisters from upstairs called. 3am phone calls freak me out. If someone is calling at 3am I envision missing limbs (obviously not ones involving fingers needed to dial), bail requests, or a panicked voice saying, “The calls are coming from inside the house!” I don’t expect to hear a slurred voice asking me to buzz her in because she’s locked herself out. To say I was pissed would be flat out wrong. I was PISSED! The Stiletto Sisters still keep up their noisy, nocturnal perambulations but now it often includes their drunken friends mistakenly ringing our buzzer, shouting in the hallway, and barking back at Dingo Girl who is also pissed at being awakened in the middle of the night.
This is not the first time we’ve received a late night plea to let one of them in the building. It happens quite frequently. I slept through their last drunken escapade on New Year’s Eve because two bottles of champagne tend to make me sleep rather soundly. Mr. Dingo however was the one to field the 4am buzzer at the intercom. He calls the Stiletto Sisters Thing #1 and Thing #2 because he can’t tell them apart. With their identical flat-ironed brunette hair, spray on tans, and noses undoubtedly sculpted by the same plastic surgeon for their Sweet Sixteen, they are virtually identical. So he’s not sure whether it’s Thing #1 or Thing #2 who rang the buzzer New Year’s Eve and who, when admitted to the apartment building, proceeded to punch the walls, curse loudly, and slap herself for almost an hour.
At first, Mr. Dingo thought she was being attacked and, ever the hero, prepared to go to her rescue. A quick look through the peephole, however, showed that the only person she was fighting was herself. For almost an hour she slapped and punched herself until Thing #1 (or was it Thing #2?) came home to let her into the apartment. If this were a movie, she’d be cast as Jim Carrey in a wig doing his worst “oh no, I can’t stop hitting myself in the face and falling down!” shtick. I wish I had seen it. That’s probably the one time I would not have had to photoshop a picture; I would’ve posted video, y’all.
But there was no such amusement last night. I answered the phone with my heart racing, “Are you okay? What happened?” She was okay. Just locked out. I was not pleased. I would have been more understanding if she had said that her-head-was-attached-to-her-neck-by-a-tiny-piece-of-sinew-and-I-really-hate-to-bother-you-but-could-you-let-me-in-so-I-can-get-some towels-to-wipe-up-the-bloody-mess-on-the-landing? If that had happened, I would have been very gracious. I would have opened the door as she passed by my apartment and handed her a bottle of OxyClean and a mop.
But no. It wasn’t anything Faux News worthy. She’d just forgotten her keys. Again. I snapped the phone off and buzzed her in. Of course, by then I was wide awake, fuming, and couldn’t get back to sleep until hours later. You know, about the time that Dingo Girl was ready to go for her morning walk. Since Mr. Dingo was feigning sleep, I did what any self-respecting doggy mama would do. I bribed her back to bed with treats and toys and slept for an hour.
Posted on Saturday, January 24, 2009 at 11:41 PM.
Tags: In The Neighborhood, La Vida Loca
no trackbacks
Submit your trackback to http://www.asiwassaying.com/index.php/trackback/122/WCGff9C6/
- Enjoy this post? Share it with others:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Comments & Trackbacks
Oooooh Dingo, my friend, I believe you might be getting dumber by the day. You DO realize Dingo Girl didn’t really want to go for a walk, right? What she REALLY wanted to do was to get you downstairs, at which point she would have stopped under the buzzer...whining in a “Timmy’s in the well” kind of way...until you FINALLY clued into the fact that she wanted you to punch the StilletoSister’s buzzer.
Repeatedly.
Until they woke up from their alcohol-induced stupor and stumbled to the phone...tripping over the stilettos they had left lying about the floor. At which point, you were to move out of the way so that DingoGirl could produce her sharpest “What-The-Hell-Is-Wrong-With-You-Waking-Me-Up-And-Then-Barking-At-Me-Through-My-Door” bark. Which would make her hooch-a-riffic ears BLEED!!!
Hey. It’s not my fault that DingoGirl’s been talking to Freddy...and has now adopted the maxim: “Karma. It’s a dog’s mama.”
You are much nicer than me or they’ve trained you well. I would have buzzed them in the first time because it might be an anomaly and I understand that everyone makes mistakes. But the second time they called me at some ungodly hour I would have sworn at them like a pissed off sailor, hung up, and taken the phone off the hook. Send Dingo Girl over there to chew up their shoes and stop being so damn nice!
Probably highly illegal, but you should film them. And then put it up for us to laugh at.
Skanks.
Oh, Lordy! Just another reason I’m SO glad I don’t live in apartments anymore.
Have you thought about suggesting that they hide a key somewhere?
Ms. H — I think both you and Dingo Girl have the right idea. If Freddy has any more tips, send them my way.
Jules — When they first moved in I felt sorry for them because they were so clueless. I’ve since lost that lovin’ feeling. Well, since 3am this morning. The next time it happens, I’m not even going to answer the phone or the intercom.
LaLa — That would be hilarious! Really, if I posted a video of them, there would be no need for me to add any sort of commentary — it would speak for itself.
Mrs. Chili — I truly believe that they would hide it someplace they need a key to get into. And then they’d ring me up because they don’t have the key to get to their spare key.
Seriously… way too nice. I think a little retaliation is past due. Maybe a night out in the cold is more than appropriate.
Oh yea. You need to buzz them a few times really early in the morning.
Brilliant PhotoShop picture.
Hmmmm… if I come to NYC, you’ll have to introduce me to them. I’ve been rejected by every one else, so maybe I stand a chance with these two plastic bronzed drunks…
I agree with all of the vengeful replies: no buzzing in. Let them suffer for their horrible deeds without the kindness of a stranger. Seriously, what is the world coming to thinking that you can bother others just because you are callous, insensitive and inebriated.
Tara R — Definitely more than appropriate. They’re going to have to put on their big girl panties and just grow up.
Ree — I think that would be hilarious! Maybe, since we always hear when they come in, I can wait until they’ve just fallen asleep and thing RIIIIIIINGGGG!
GeekHiker — They have a revolving door. I think you’d have to wait in line.
Laura — The sad thing is that I don’t think they see anything wrong with their actions.
Sorry I have been MIA!
Let me tell you- I hate being woken up in the middle of the night. I would have lost my shit on those girls. I can’t even imagine having kids for this reason. I would be so angry and resentful for being woken up at all hours repeatedly. You need to give those girls a piece of your mind!
The joys of city living. This is something I *don’t* miss. Sorry Thing 1 and Thing 2 inhabit your reality.
Oh. My. God. I would be beating some ass. (I’m not that neighborly.)
Your weirdo neighbors remind me why I could never live in NYC. 
My housemates would do that all the time and my room was closest to the buzzer. I would put in ear plugs though and continue sleeping.
MsCatalysta — I think my judgment was clouded by sleep. If this happens again, however, she’s gonna be out in the cold.
Jen — At first I thought Thing 1 and Thing 2 would be a source of amusement. Now, they are just a source of irritation.
justrun — Would it be unneighborly of me to douse them with water as they are standing outside under my window?
NPW — I truly don’t remember weirdos like this when I lived in Boston. It’s just the flava of NYC, I guess.
Marjolein — I think I need to invest in a good set of earplugs. I could sleep through construction and annoying neighbors. Did your roommates ever get mad at you?
Dingo, I think this is my favorite picture of yours yet. Also the image of Thing 1 (or 2) beating the shit out of herself in the hallway is too funny. I mean, if you can’t beat her up, at least she’s doing it to herself where you can watch.
Um. This seems like an obvious question but WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LET HER IN???
Ignore the phone. You’ve got to have voicemail right?
My neighbors are swingers. I’ll tell you that story later though.
wait - are they calling you through the intercom or by phone?. if intercom, then get an electrician to cross the wires so that they are buzzing their own apartment all night. if by phone, why the hell do they have your phone number?
also, LOVE the photo
saratogajean — At least she considerate enough that if she’s going to be rude, she’s at least entertaining.
Crissy — I let her in because I’m a softy. And I can’t wait to hear about your swinger neighbors. Have they ever invited you and Mr. Crissy to play?
blakspring — Sometimes it’s the phone and sometimes it’s the intercom. I gave her my phone number because when they first moved in they were clueless about everything and I felt sorry for them. Once they thought the building was on fire because they saw smoke. It was just the steam vent from the restaurant behind our apartment. The also always think that someone is breaking in. If I knew then what I know now, I’d just give them some number to a phone sex operator.
I think a reprogramming of Things 1 & 2 is in order. I completely agree with the waiting until they seem to have passed out and then ringing their apartment.
When I first moved to where I am now and was living in an apartment in the “bad” part of town (because no one TOLD me there was a “bad” part of town) I would have neighbors knocking on my door at 1AM because they “ran outta medication and I jus’ needs a few dolla’ to go an get my ‘scription”. Ummmm...yeahhhh...I don’t recall ever seeing Crystal Meth on a formulary. (A couple months after I moved out, 30 units in that building were busted for meth production)
Eventually, I just put on my headphones or put in my earplugs and ignored the knocking. (Which got me the reputation of “that uppity white girl"). So invest in those earplugs and ignore away!
next time you seem them, and they seem sober, tell them that they get 5 buzz ins per year… and no more.
they’ve already gone through 1, and it’s not even the end of january.
if they reach 5 and buzz you you’re calling the cops.
I can’t believe the self control you have. If I were you, the Things would be getting slapped more than they’d like. By me. And the metal hand I’d purchase for just such an occasion. That’s right, I’d go all “Bugs Bunny in a duel” on their asses.
So when you take Dingo Girl out for that walk and she makes a poo why not pick it up and save it for the stiletto girls door step? LOL, you can even photograph it for the blog…
It is sooo payback time. You definitely need to start torturing them somehow. Remember in Amelie when she breaks into the shop owner’s house and changes his speed dial and puts smaller shoes in place of his and replaces his toothpaste with foot cream? Yeah, I think it’s time for a little of that…
They need to be punished. You know that right? They can not continue thinking that that is ok.
ken — I would love to—if I could just avoid them afterward.. For all my talk, I am so non-confrontational. I’m more passive-aggressive. I won’t answer their next call/intercom and then pretend that I didn’t hear them. That’s more my style.
stealthnerd — I’m just a wuss. No self-control involved.
DirtyLaundryDiva — Oohhhh, you are mean! And so, so smart.
Mel Heth — I loved the movie! That’s hilarious. One of them is terrified of Dingo Girl. I could let her out into the hall whenever I hear one of the Things coming up the stairs.
Megkathleen — I wish I had my Innernetz posse here! We would show ‘em! Of course now I’m eagerly waiting for them to do it again so I can put into play all of your good ideas.
What we have here is a classic case of negative conditioning. Is there any way that every time they press the buzzer, a bucket of cold water/worms/slime/Dingo Girl nuggets can be dropped on their heads?
Please film them and post it on the internet. If you’re awake, at least WE’LL get a laugh out of it! And no more answering the drunken calls, chica!
Who designated you guys the official Letter Inners? I think it’s time to unplug the phone…
Haha my captcha word is “thing75!”
See, I’m on the too nice unto passive aggressive side myself, so I would probably end up sending them a letter telling them I thought their behavior was obnoxious and that enough was enough. Time for the thingettes to grow the fuck up and stop treating you like a frat sister. Unless, you know, they ARE bleeding out on the floor…
thecoconutdiaries — Since Dingo Girl doesn’t like them either, I’m sure she’ll be glad to provide a few donations for the cause.
k8 — Posting their ridiculousness would be hilarious. It would also give me something to do when I’m awakened at 3am.
Memarie Lane — Lordy! Can you imagine if there were 75 Things running around?!
O’Mama — If they were bleeding out, I would definitely be helpful by giving them cleaning supplies. I’m not their frat sister but I’m definitely not their den mother either. Hmmmm, maybe I should be collecting dues from them....
Thing 1 and Thing 2. That’s hilarious. What obnoxious bitches?
I always wake up in a complete panic when my phone rings in the middle of the night. It’s actually sort of night-terrorish, and physically disturbing, being ripped out of sleep.
I would be pissed.
Summer — I definitely think the Thing 1 and Thing 2 is appropriate. I made fun of Mr. Dingo for not being able to tell them apart but I just ran into one of them in the hallway and I’m not sure which one it was.
Rachel — That’s exactly how I feel when the phone rings in the middle of the night. It takes my heart a while to calm down afterward.
You are such a nice person. There would be some choice words and maybe the trowing of food items at her in the hallway just for my amusement if anyone dared to wake me at that hour and no one was dying.
Oh my roommates got really pissed off with me not opening the door for them all the time. Thing is, I really didn’t care. We lived in a house with 16 people, and ‘opening doors in the middle of the night’ was not in my job description.
I would have left the chick freeze. Or better yet I would have started hucking stilleto heels out my window at her. Cheap ones of course. Next buy one get one free sale at your local payless shoe source you should buy a few to keep on hand.