Washed Up
There’s a good reason for my unexpected blogging hiatus. But I don’t want to bore you with tales of luxurious warm days flashing my six-pack abs in a HAWT white bikini on the Cote d’Azure or lull you to sleep with anecdotes of decadent nights hobnobbing with the Hollywood elite. No, we’ll just pretend that I spent Spring Break conducting important science experiments about mass and inertia:
How many Peeps can one consume before someone who hasn’t run in two weeks swells up to Violet Beauregard proportions?
I also pondered the great questions of math and logic:
How long does it take to grade 59 papers, 62 Mid-Terms, and 57 writing exercises when Real Housewives and The Millionaire Matchmaker have back to back marathons?
Then, there was the Great Dishwasher Debacle. The email from Marian the Librarian was unexpected. “We’re moving and we no longer need our portable dishwasher. Do you want it?” I know if I were a good friend my first thoughts should have been, where are you moving to? When? Do you need help? But no, my first thought was DISHWASHER! Mr. Dingo was startled at the tears that sprang to my eyes. He asked if I was okay and between sobs I informed him that we were getting a dishwasher. I may have even jumped up and down and mimed spiking a football before propelling myself across the apartment in a Charlies Angel’s roll in celebration.
I love, love, love a clean house. Many a night when I can’t sleep I drool over the interior decorating porn on Apartment Therapy and Desire to Inspire. The airy, bright living rooms, spotless tubs, the mystery of “where in the hell did they store all their clothes?” and the crisp, pet-hair free couches make me swoon. I just don’t have the time to make the apartment look like those photos. Sure, sometimes cleaning can be therapeutic. Like when I finally move the couch to vacuum and find a wayward Oxycontin tablet. Those turn out to be lovely afternoons. Just me, the tingly feelings, and pretty colors.
Anyway, the dishwasher was like winning the lotto. It was beautiful. I named her Bianca. I also let the dishes pile up for days. I would use one spoon to scoop the sugar into my tea and a different one to stir it. When I was feeling wild and reckless I took plates from the cupboards and licked them thoroughly before placing them on the counter next to the sink — because I HAD A DISHWASHER! The day finally came to let Bianca do what she was born to do. I loaded the dishwasher, hit Start, and the gentle swishing of water fell upon my ears like the dulcet tones of angels. And then it all went black. Pitch black. I called to Dingo Girl hoping she would act as a seeing eye dog and lead me to my bed where I could cry myself to sleep, but she cleared out when the first cries of “Shitfuckgoddamnmutherfucker!” bounced off the walls.
Apparently, our apartment is a holdover from the Middle Ages and the fuses can’t cope with the demands made by a dishwasher. Bianca requires more power than the gear and pulley system attached to the hamster wheel in the fuse box is able to muster. So, this weekend, we listed Bianca on freecycle.com and placed her on the curb for some lucky person to pick up. I taped a sign to her door: WILL WORK FOR FUSE.
Posted on Monday, April 20, 2009 at 06:40 AM.
Tags: Dingo Girl, Blogging, Undomestic Diva
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Comments & Trackbacks
I <3 Peeps. Especially after they’ve gotten just a little bit stale—cuz I don’t have to get slowed down by them sticking to my teeth. 
My heart broke wide open when I heard about Bianca’s untimely demise. Thankfully, I’ve got 2 1/2 boxes of Kleenex WITH lotion handy to take care of the flood of tears....and a full day in front of me to deal with my grief.
Oh, NO! That is a CRUSHING disappointment. What a way to start our week, Dingo; I’m going to be depressed all day now!
JEALOUS! I need one of those! Going to craig’s list immediately…
Yeah, that’s why I didn’t buy Peeps this year. I gorged last year. This year, I grabbed mini Cadbury eggs. They shouldn’t be that fattening right. They’re mini. I mean… I did eat over 100 in one setting, but I’m sure it’s fine.
That’s a bunch of bullshit about the fuse overload. I didn’t know people still washed dishes by hand. That’s very pioneerish of you! Kidding.
Ms. H — Mmmm...stale peeps.... I’m at the denial stage of Grief. It sounds something like, “Who’s going to wash all these freakin’ dishes!”
Mrs. Chili — It is a disappointment. And, even worse, I’m out of Peeps.
NPW — See! If you lived nearby you could’ve had my dishwasher. Another reason for you to move to NYC.
Summer — I thought if I had a dishwasher, it would free more time for churning butter but alas, it’s not to be.
Hahahahahahaha!!!
Mass and inertia!!
I too, have been conducting experiments with peeps and I’ve even branched out into cadbury mini eggs.
We should totally get together and compare notes.
PS: I’m way, way rounder than Violet Beauregard.
I didn’t even know there were such things as portable dishwashers. I got excited thinking we could take it with us camping, but alas, no. I am so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you could upgrade and get more hamsters. Or a guinea pig.
I’ll have it..mine died recently of old age.
I am too neurotic for it to be of much use because I have to rinse off everything before it goes in, so it was more of an expensive dish drying rack…
Peeps were on sale for 75% off yesterday at Target, it took all my will power not to walk out with all of them. I could not resist the orange cadbury cream eggs 3-pack for fifty cents, however.
I didn’t have a dishwasher of my own until I was in my mid 30’s. I swear, i would give up...well, nothing b/c at this point I have nothing left to give up in exchange for my dishwasher but you get the point
Those Real Housewives/Millionaire Matchmaker marathons are killing me slowly.
I can’t stop watching!
That is the saddest story I’ve heard in a long time. It’s like finding out your boyfriend is married or hearing that Hugh Jackman is gay. I dream of the day I can have a dishwasher and my heart breaks for you that your day was so short-lived. Maybe you and Mr. can get a dish-washing wooly mammoth like the Flintstones had.
That is one of the most singularly disappointing tidbits I have heard in a long time. I was much like oyu when I got my new used portable dishwasher; in fact, I still love, after almost a year and thousands of loads later, plugging it in and hitting the start button. Sigh, it is very nearly as wonderful as post-orgasm bliss.
Oh the HORROR! I would unplug everything else in the entire building and run it. If the rest of the tenants don’t like it, they can kiss your cadbury.
As one of the few resident guys hereabouts, can I just register my disappointment at the lack of the bikini/abs pic?
I didn’t even know they made such a thing as a portable dishwasher. I must research this…
You might need to be taken down for some “squeezing"…
Crissy — We definitely have to compare notes about our experiments. And screw having a control group what screwed up person wants to be in a control group when Peeps and Cadbury mini-eggs are involved. Crazy people, I tell you!
Prosy — A dishwashwer on a camping trip? I thought campers were supposed to use leaves and sand to clean their dishes — it being better for the environment n’ all.
rosie — We have a pre-rinse cycle. We let Dingo Girl lick the plates.
Sarah B. — That wasn’t willpower, woman! That was momentary madness! Get back there and get those Peeps! I’ll send you my address. Next day delivery is fine.
Jessica — At least I’m not using lye soap and a washboard but I was so close to being in the 21st Century that it’s heartbreaking.
Shaba — It’s a train wreck, I know. I try to pretend it’s just on for background noise but I’m not fooling anyone.
Mel Heth — A woolly mammoth would be awesome! So much better than a dishwasher. That’ll show Bianca.
Kori — Yes, I did feel a stirring in my loins when it started, however briefly. Passion denied.
Shania — Believe me, I tried everything. We were stepping over wires and cords and were soo close to knocking off Thing One and Thing Two and stealing their electricity.
GeekHiker — You will get a bikini/abs picture when I get bikini abs. You will be waiting a long, long time. There are many varieties of portable dishwashers. Us city folk with our tiny living areas must have everything in miniature.
morethananelectrician — Hahahahah! I wonder if I could bribe the Oompa Loompas into doing my dishes.
Wow, that really sucks. Big time. I’m so sorry you lost your dishwasher.
Don’t eat Peeps to console yourself. :D
Oh, I feel for you really. I don’t know what we would do without a dishwasher. Maybe you could turn everything off and then use her? You know, minimize the load on the fuse? You poor thing, to have such luxury flaunted in your face and so cruelly taken away.
You need a new apartment for your dishwasher! They make life so much better.
I feel very immense sorrow for you now...what with all licked on plates now. I like to refer to Hubby as Dishwasher. Somehow he doesn’t find it as amusing as I do.....
Have you run out of Peeps yet? I have 2 unopened yellow packages sitting in my cabinet waiting for someone to love (eat) them.
p.s. the word thingy (sorry my brain has officially decided to stop working) spells: term62 Hee hee!
Yes, I agree with Marjolein - time for a new apartment. I feel you though - I lived without a dishwasher for years and I was convinced it was the reason I wasn’t getting enough sleep. Funnily enough, I was skinnier then too...something about not wanting to get dishes dirty.
I, and my dishpan hands, do sympathize. Of course, here in the Little House On The Hill, we split up the dishwashing chores—I do them in every month that has at least three or more letters in it’s name.
I’m so sorry your dishwasher magic only lasted a minute. Awful! But I am picturing you spiking a football right now.
Okay - there’s unfair and then there’s THAT. You did remember to take the dishes out before you left Bianca on the curb, right?
My deepest and most sincere sympathies for the shortness of Bianca’s stay at your house. I miss my portable dishwasher because, in spite of a certain person’s inference otherwise, I find myself doing dishes and it’s not a chore I like. Plus, I just feel they get so much cleaner in a dishwasher.
If I were closer, I’d help you with all that grading (and margin snarkiness).
A moment of silence for dear Bianca.
Oh MAN! That sucks about power hungry Bianca - I’m sorry for your loss. I have a dishwasher but he has refused to work for many months so I understand your pain. Hopefully you’ll find another Oxy pill to help you through this difficult time.
FreedomFirst — I’m out of Peeps or I’d be mainlining them.
Toe — Believe me, I tried everything. We were stepping over cords and wires. At one point, Bianca was in the living room. Nothing worked. *sigh*
Marjolein — Oooh! A new apartment! Well, as long as I’m asking for a new apartment for my dishwasher, I’ll throw in a request for more closet space as well.
Jules — You taunt me with your Peeps. Evil, evil woman.
Megkathleen — The things is, I’m not skinnier because of it. Peeps, M&Ms;, Oreos — all finger foods.
Mr. POSSLQ — Hey! You and I are on the same schedule! Let’s compare notes about detergent brands.
justrun — Keep that thought in your mind as you run your marathon. It will get you through the last six miles.
Ree — I thought about leaving the dishes in there. I really didn’t want to wash them.
MsDarkstar — We’d have fun grading papers together! It would also take my mind off of Bianca’s absence. Why do you have to live so far away?!
Jules — I like to see females in control but I think Bianca would have turned out to be a tyrant. But I could have lived with it.
Just say the word and those yellow peeps will be in a box to your house........ (ok, the word verification is where39. If THAT isn’t a sign....)
Oh, RIP Bianca! I am so sorry for your loss.
If someone had offered me their portable clothes washer and dryer, that would’ve been my reaction as well.
The same thing used to happen to us if we used the air conditioner (one of those boxes in the wall) and the microwave at the same time.
At least you’re enjoying the memories of the days with Bianca.
I’m sure all The Countess can get all the little brown girls she “inspired” to come over and help out. Especially that fat one that wants to be a model. Some dishwashing exercise will improve her posture!
Oh, The Discountess....
BTW- The New Jersey Housewives are gonna be badass!!
Jules — Word!
Lara — We’ll have to drink in her memory the next time we get together.
April — Oh my, I think my head would explode if I actually had a washing machine and dryer. Then again, my fuse box would explode, too.
thecoconutdiaries — Hahahaha! I couldn’t believe the “well, you have a few years to lose the weight” comment. I turned to Bianca and said, “Did you hear that?!” The New Jersey Housewives are going to be a delightful train wreck.
One of the apartments I lived in couldn’t handle the microwave and the george foreman grill at the same time. Making small adjustments meant we could cook unobtrusively for years.
Oh, MAN. I was so sad when I read about Bianca. I was riding your emotional high all the way till she was kicked to the curb. So, so, sad.
Why don’t you just get one of your students to come over and do the dishes? Easy A!
That was literally the most heart breaking story I’ve read in a while. I’m so sorry!
But seriously, how are you so freakin’ hilarious? Please write a book or something. I need more!!
I’ve been on hiatus as well and only seem to be neglectful. I return and this? I am SO sorry to hear that your dishwasher dreams were so cruelly dashed. This doth sucketh beyond measure. Quick, chocolate infusion, stat!!
Um, time to move?
I return to the blog-o-sphere for this? This tale of heartbreak and woe?!?
I’ll be licking a plate tonight in your honor, Bianca. And then crying softly to myself as I hand wash it (in three days).
I am so sorry about Bianca. I could not live without my dishwasher, and I even have kids, and big dogs as flatware cleaner backups.
Whaa!?!
Dang! That really blows! And the whole time I was reading I was like, please don’t let Bianca not work, please don’t let it be a fail...and then I was sad. I wish I could send you some fuses. Like somehow more fuses would make it work...but its the thought that counts, right??
k8 — I used to have a George Foreman grill. I imagine my kitchen fuses would go into super shock if I tried to use one of those, especially one of the super-duper cook 800 hamburgers at one time versions.
jane — It was indeed a sad day. Sad, sad, sad. I think they’re going to make a Lifetime movie about me.
flurrious — You know, I was trying to think of some extra credit assignments. I think this might be it.
Reagan — A book? Now who’s being hilarious!
O’Mama — The chocolate infusion was a great suggestion. Biting the heads off of chocolate bunnies was rather cathartic.
saratogajean — Well, day-um girl!! Where have you been? I think tears in dishwater acts as an astringent. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
Tara R. — Can you send your kids and dogs over?
Lisa — You must be psychic or something. Can you tell me the winning Powerball numbers?
I cannot stand peeps...although they are fun to pose in random places around the neighborhood. However, I do load up on cadbury creme eggs the day after easter. Sorry to hear about your dishwasher debacle.
maybe i’m the only weirdo here but i actually don’t mind doing dishes. there’s something relaxing about the running water. if you’re ever overwhelmed i can drop by and do yours. all you have to do is entertain me with more funny stories.
It’s rather sad and pointless to be making the 46th comment, but hey...it’s better to have loved a dishwasher and then re-list it for someone else than to never have loved a dishwasher at all. Kind of.
O.G. — You leave Peeps around your neighborhood? Where do you live? I may be coming to visit.
blakspring — If you do my dishes I’ll fix you a big ol’ dinner. Four course meal! But then you’d have to do the dishes.
Tress — No comments are pointless. You know I like to hear from you. In regards Bianca, one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure. Or something like that.
Oh, yikers! So sorry to unload a white elephant on you! I hope your fuses have recovered and that you’ll still speak to me!
Poor Bianca!
Marian — Of course I will still speak to you! How about, “I’ll wash and you dry.” But seriously, you did a kind thing for me, although I think it was more for your benefit than mine. You were probably tired of hearing me bitch about dishes.
Love your blog! Very colorful! Sorry to hear about Bianca.
Hey, you said *I* had dibs on the next Oxycontin tab! No fair!
John — Thank you!
certainslant — If you want to come over and lift my couch so I can vacuum, you are more than welcome to whatever we find.