What’s Black and White and Green All Over?
The end of the semester is always a mad dash of papers, exams, grading and that end of semester rite of passage, the sob story. Before I start breaking harsh on my students, let me say that for all my snarky and profanity-laced rantings about their ethics (or lack thereof), poor grammar, and naïve world views, I am a soft-serve with sprinkles in real life. I’ve been known to be firm (but fair!) during office hours and then to break into tears as soon as the student is out the door.
I hate giving students who have worked hard all semester poor grades that don’t reflect what they have actually contributed to the class because of one misstep, or an attack of the lazies — especially after I have just spent two weeks sitting on their ungraded finals on the couch eating M&Ms and catching up on Grey’s Anatomy — or some other trauma that has caused their fragile watercolor portraits of the world to run black and blue. I can relate. Hey, if there is one person reading this who didn’t use a sick day when you found out that Jericho had been cancelled or who hasn’t feigned deathly illness when the outfit you were planning to wear didn’t fit around your stealthily expanding waistline, you get a Twinkie. Actually, you get a crate of Twinkies, and then when your work-wear doesn’t fit the following week, you’ll know just the trauma I am talking about.
So, if my students can provide excuses and have shown me all semester that they are engaged in the class, I will work with them on their grades — extra credit, extending a paper deadline, and bribery demeaning manual labor indentured servitude paper revisions are some methods I’ve used to help them along the path to enlightenment. Of course, I make them beg first. Always make them beg first. Because what is the point of having power if it doesn’t make you tingle every now and then?
But sobbing always comes on the heels of my lording. While I speak to them, I don my “serious professor face” and admonish them. “I will have to think about bestowing my mercy upon you,” I tell them. “Say three Hail Dingos and pray, PRAY!, for My Blessed Grace! Now begone!” But, once they leave the office, I reach for the Kleenex and wonder whether professors who don’t give Second Chances also push old people into oncoming traffic and juggle kittens and laugh during Zales commercials. What usually follows these meetings is a restless night worrying about my student. Is she going to be okay? Will she come up with the money to avoid losing the farm? Will she find a kidney donor? Did the governor grant the pardon in time?
The next day, I am a hero. I am Super Professor. I give the extra credit assignment or extend the paper deadline and we both smile like we take Enzyte. My class isn’t just about learning how to read and understand literature. I’d like to think that it’s also about learning that laziness and procrastination are A-Okay that lying pays dividends from your mistakes. My colleagues say that this benevolence will come back to bite me on the butt. That’s not such a bad thing. Anything that takes some of the junk from my trunk is fine with me. Except mosquitoes.
One thing that I cannot forgive, however, is plagiarism. Zero tolerance. I have too much respect for the students who work hard to improve their writing skills to accept plagiarism as a case of the lazies. It is not laziness. It is theft, and I will hunt you down like the Fugitive to make sure you are punished so severely for it that you wake up every night not only in a puddle of your own urine, but also the urine of the person whom you plagiarized. The Spanish Inquisition will seem like a Katie Couric interview when I’m through with you.
I am surprised that in this Google age — it is now the year 12 GE (Google Era) — students still try to get away with plagiarism. In most cases, I talk with the student about what she did and discuss why she is receiving a failing grade in the class. Although I have the option of referring each case to the Dean, it usually goes no further than me, the student, and the gradebook. Usually.
This semester, I had a case so egregious from a student so ballsy that I’m sure in a few years (if not already) she’s going to be in jail for check kiting, identify theft, or laughing at Zales commercials. So, if you get bizarre comments on your blogs or inappropriate emails from me, rest assured it’s NOT REALLY ME. Particularly if it’s not gut-bustingly hilarious. That’s the dead giveaway.
Anyhoodle, one of my students, Patty Plagiarist, spent the entire semester in a catatonic stupor. She never brought her books to class, never did the reading, and never turned in a single paper. Although she completed in-class writing assignments, it was obvious that she hadn’t even bothered to use Cliff Notes. I’m sorry but, no, Macbeth is not Ronald McDonald’s girlfriend’s name. And The Shining? Yes, that book was written by Stephen King, but it is not about his problems with baldness. Couldn’t you at least have watched the movie?
You can imagine my surprise when Patty Plagiarist turned in the final paper of the semester and not only did it exceed the mandatory page length but it was freakin’ amazing!!! A student who could barely muster a coherent sentence all semester was now writing about pandemics and trans-morphing and crap I had never even heard of. A call to Mr. Google was in order. Mr. Google made quick work of the paper and revealed that not one, not two, but seven — SEVEN! — web sites were plagiarized. I emailed Patty and asked to meet with her about her paper. Seven!
When she finally strolled in late to our meeting I cut to the chase and showed her the print outs I had of the web sites she’d stolen from. I also presented her with a copy of her paper with plagiarized sections highlighted in green. The paper looked like it had been written by Lawn Doctor. Patty had the nerve to look surprised.
Patty: That’s not my paper.
Me: What? Yes, it is. It’s the one that was attached to the email you sent to me.
Patty: Well, that’s my paper but it’s not the one I meant to send.
Me: Not the —?
Patty: Yes, I plagiarized that paper but I called my brother and he said you wouldn’t fall for it so I wrote another one.
Yes, folks, her brother supposedly told her that the paper was so good that I wouldn’t believe it was hers. Patty then said that she wrote ANOTHER paper that she meant to send to me. There was a sob story about how she had stayed up all night to write it, blah, blah, blah, it was eight pages long, blah, blah, blah. This would be a good time to mention that this other paper was supposedly a comparison between a book we read in class and a book she read on her own initiative. Does Patty sound like a person with that sort of initiative? No. I called her bluff. I told her that I didn’t believe her story and that I wanted to see this “other” paper within the next two hours. She was definitely going to fail the course but I was still deciding whether to refer it to the Disciplinary Committee.
Here is where you need to picture the passage of time like in the old movies with the hands of the clock spiraling out of control until it grinds to a halt Seven. Long. Hours. Later. Seven! I received an email from Patty with this other paper attached. Would you be shocked to learn that it was a two-page piece of crap? Moreover, it was a two-page, crap, superficial comparison of two works we read waaaay at the beginning of the semester.
I emailed Patty Plagiarist again telling her that I was going to forward her case to the Dean and recommend her expulsion. Her response? She apologized. Not for plagiarizing but for accidentally sending me the wrong paper. Again. She somehow thought I wanted for her to send me the second paper of the semester — which had been due over a month earlier. A paper that she had never handed in. This girl should never apply to be a contestant on The Moment of Truth. She also informed me that expulsion was too harsh and that she wanted another chance to send me the correct paper. Um, no.
My litigator instincts kicked in and, since I happened to have exhibit tabs left over from my days of practicing law — doesn’t everyone? — I wrote a lengthy brief (lawyer oxymorons still get me hot) and attached thirteen unlucky exhibits as evidence of her plagiarism and deceit. Believe me, you have the condensed version of this madness. Oh yeah, Judge Judy would be proud.
This case is still making its way through the red tape and the black hole of the disciplinary process, but this student will not attend another class at my Institution of Higher Learning. I have no doubt that, given the opportunity, Patty Plagiarist would do this again, maybe taking a hostage this time.
I try to make sure that my students learn more than just an appreciation of literature and writing in my class. Unfortunately, I don’t think Patty Plagiarist learned anything in my class and certainly nothing about unethical conduct. But she certainly learned this: Don’t fuck with Dingo! Dingo has enough stolen exhibit tabs to deal with your kind for years to come!
Posted on Wednesday, June 18, 2008 at 02:09 AM.
Tags: Little Red Schoolhouse
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Comments & Trackbacks
Oooh. Sounds exciting, I would like to be a teacher. I like telling people what to do.
How do you catch them out, do you run the paper through a reader or something?
LaLa
PS Funnily enough the password below says “Law22” - that’s you!
Dingo, if I ask very nicely, may I have a few of those tabs?
As I read this, I’m nodding. Our lives are not all that dissimilar..
I love the end of the semester, but I hate it, too. Observe, an excerpt of Exhibit A, which arrived last night as a response to the delivery to the students of their final class grades:
Hi.. I was unaware I did that terrible on my everything this term. Is there any way I can maybe bump my grade up to a C- or anything? I know I wasn’t the best student in your class but I still tried.
Honestly....
I am going to print this post and read it to all kids I catch cutting and pasting from Google. See kids? This is what happens when you get to college. Dingo kicks the shit out of your lying ass.
You know, I used to copy from the encylopedia (am old) when I was a kid doing papers.
And I even went to college in the late 90s and NEVER thought of using the internet.
I wouldn’t care even if she did write another paper. The fact is, her first attempt was that she TRIED to copy someone else’s work and pass it off as hers. Even if it didn’t sound like her.
Kids are lazy these days.
LaLa — I wish it were some magic power that helped me find the plagiarists but it’s simply their own stupidity. When they have been writing drivel all year but bust out a paper worthy of a book deal, I get suspcious. I cut and paste the particularly noteworthy phrases into Google and, voilà!, their deceit is there on my 17” flat screen monitor.
Mrs. Chili — So, did you bump their grade to a C- or anything? Hee. I will send some exhibit tabs right over.
NPW — Yes, they should fear me. But honestly, what is sad is that these kids not only fail see that it’s wrong, but they also completely lack any concern about the consequences.
Kristabella — Oh, she was going to FAIL anyway but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get someone expelled these days. The request for the non-existent paper was just to get a little more rope....
dingo, you rock - serving up the law and chasing the bad guys out of town. i can’t believe the nerve of this person. then again, maybe stupidity is the bigger culprit here. maybe she thought that you never heard of the world wide web. i’ve heard some plagiarism stories from a few of the teachers here - and this is a high school. where will it end? will youngsters start copying their annual “what i did on vacation” papers too?
you should’ve armbarred her till she fessed up.
Absolutely amazing. Good for you Dingo dear.
Do you find that the students just keep getting lazier and lazier every semester?
I think there’s just this attitude amongst teens and 20 somethings that everything is bullshit and they shouldn’t have to try at things and whatever.
I nearly snorted the yogurt I was eating out my nose when I read “lawyer oxymorons still get me hot.” Hysterical!
My favorite is when it’s really obvious that the paper’s been plagiarized, but the student has been smart enough to either pay someone else to write their paper or use sections from books that haven’t been scanned into Google Books yet. It’s almost impossible to find the proof, apart from the fact that the paper shifts from comprehensible prose with a couple odd words here and there to complete gibberish. I spend daaaaaaays looking for that crap. Milkbones to you for fighting the good fight and getting her lazy ass kicked out of school.
Anyhoodle!!!! I love it! I’m totally stealing that.
Don’t fuck with Dingo, indeed!
blakspring — You will have to show me the armbar. I’m sure I’ll have use for it in the future.
Ree — Thanks, Ree!
Crissy — Most of my students are fantastic. They don’t have to get A’s to be good students but I do ask that they work hard. It just seems that the duds are REAL duds. But I feel bad that I can’t motivate them.
Marian — When they have someone else write it for them it’s a bit harder to catch but I’ve done it!
sunny — Are you plagiarizing my “anyhoodle”?
Dingo, you are one tough mofo. You need a cape. Or maybe some nunchucks.
My favorite part of this post (the part that made me pee a little) was (ironically) the part about pee: “make sure you are punished so severely for it that you wake up every night not only in a puddle of your own urine, but also the urine of the person whom you plagiarized.”
That, is sheer brilliance.
You are my hero! Wanna bet me money that her parents show up at the hearing with a note from her “doctor” about a previously undiagnosed learning disability?
Mel Heth — I want a cape AND nunchucks. And for your peeing problem, try some Kegel exercises.
Jenn — Hi Jenn! Since when is pathological lying a learning disability? But, since some of my students seem to have issues with accepting responsibility for their actions, I fear you may be right. Maybe using nunchucks on the parents wouldn’t be too out of line.
So, when do I get my Twinkies? And what’s wrong with juggling kittens, as long as you don’t drop them. Only trouble I’ve had is if they have motion sickness…
I have to say that I laughed, because your ballsy student will not end up check kiting, doing identity theft, or laughing at Zales commercials. No, that student’s future is clear: she will be a politician. Possibly even President if enough people think that she’d be cool to have a beer with.
Have no fear, I shall not fuck with the Dingo. And I assure you, everything on my site is written by me. Hell, nobody else would be dumb enough to post drivel like mine on the World Wide Web but me!
Ha! To quote my own mother: un-fricken-believable!
Dingo = Badass
In a totally good way.
GeekHiker — And when your hiking shorts don’t fit and you can’t get your Twinkie laden ass up the mountain, don’t come cryin’ to me! Yes, I’ve already put your site through to Mr. Google. You are in the clear. But watch your step, Mister!
justrun — I am going to quote your mother at all appropriate moments.
Tress — I want a T-shirt that says Dingo=Badass. It would serve as a warning.
Macbeth. *sigh* You slay me.
I’m sad that Macbeth isn’t Ronald’s girlfriend. He looks like he needs someone, and I bet he’d be great with kids. And wouldn’t Grimace be a great Crazy Uncle? I’d keep Uncle Hamburglar away from the kiddies, though--he looks like a pervert.
saratogajean — You are hilarious! I’m sure Ronald McDonald would be great with kids but I fear they’d all be obese fast food addicts. I also think that Uncle Hamburglar may not have actually earned his prison stripes from mere burglary, if you know what I mean. Definitely keep him away from the kids.
It’s so good to read how you dealt with Patty Plagiarist, particularly as someone who will frequently miss a deadline because she’s a perfectionist in how her paper is written, and will spend loads of time making sure she quotes well. I’ve known quite a few co-students who have either plagiarized or even asked me and some friends to write papers for them (’which part of NO! don’t you understand?’) and it always makes me feel sick because I put in so many hours to write an original text, look up quotes to type them over between quotation marks and exactly as they are and keeping the MLA handbook close by so that I can properly refer to those books and articles. It takes so much time, but stealing ideas - where’s the honour in that?
I was laughing my ass off over the Spanish Inquisition remarks, then read the paragraph to my college kid. She didn’t think it was nearly as funny as I did… go figure. You should join us on the BlogBurst for Education on Friday 6/20 http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2008/05/coming-soon.html
You would be a great addition to the group.
Marjolein — I know!! I have worked my ass off to do my best work—MY best work—the thought of stealing someone else’s thoughts or having them steal mine, well, I’d send them to one of Dante’s rings of Hell but they’d probably claim that they wrote the Inferno and get special privileges like water or something.
Tara R — Ooohh! BlogBurst for Education sounds intriguing. Gonna jump on over to the link right now!
I found your blog via the BlogBurst for education...and I’m SO glad I did!!!
I’m right there with you on giving them a chance to redeem themselves. (And my rationale mirrors yours: I’m not a DailyGrader...so I can’t see my way clear about failing them when I haven’t stayed caught-up.) That being said, I also subscribe to the “Make It Painful” school of thought. (People’s Exhibit A: http://moldingyoungminds.wordpress.com/2006/05/27/pita/)
I’m amazingly impressed/horrified at the cajones on your plagiarist. Congrats on the extensive documentation. That ROCKS!
Ms. H — Thanks Ms. H! I’m going to post something later today for the Blogblast for Education. It demonstrates that we still have so far to go in certain aspects of education.
OMG, you are freakin’ hilarious! And I know the feeling; very little gets me as excited as being able to use my mad legal skills.
I’m so glad you joined the BlogBlast!! Thank you.
Oh, I am SO with you on this. I do give my students leeway. In fact, I have a system each semester called a ‘get out of jail free” card, that they may use once and once only to either get out of an assignment entirely (exceptions: final exam and semester project) or to drop a grade. Most of my students use it well.
I think I had Polly Plagiarism in my class once, though. It sounds like the same student to a tee. Sometimes they really DON’T get it, do they?
April — When people said I would be able to use my legal experience in all kinds of situations, using exhibit tabs and expelling a student never crossed my mind.
Jen — Oh no! There’s more than one of these kids out there? I would use a get out of jail free card but I’m afraid I’d get a call from one of the local precincts late on a Saturday night.