Who You Callin’ Chicken?!
For all my bitching and moaning about money and financial woes, I finally found a bank I can trust. To lose my money. And by losing, I mean making. Stoogepie has opened a bank (NSFW) and I’m going to scrape all my pennies together to give to this lost cause. In a few weeks I’ll be a millionaire! Thank you, Stoogepie! I already have plans for all the money I’ll make. First, forget paying my credit cards and student loans. That’s not how real bankers spend money that’s not theirs. I’m spending my ill-gotten gains on a vacation.
In the almost five years that Mr. Dingo and I have been together we’ve only taken one vacation. A few years ago Mr. Dingo and I went to Niagara Falls for my birthday. I wish I was blogging then. The trip was truly snarktastic. While I had a good time, it was mostly because Mr. Dingo is my best friend and hanging out with him after I’ve imposed a Blackberry ban is a rare treat. I was impressed by the sheer power and beauty of the falls but my god, people! I don’t even know how to describe the casinos, Ripley’s Believe-it-or-Not museums, and souvenir stands where you can buy a silk screened t-shirt to commemorate your visit, but I’m sure it outranks the horrid Jelly Shoes on the Tack-O-Meter.
The best part of the trip, however, was the haunted house. There are several haunted houses in Niagara Falls but I’m talking about the Nightmares Fear Factory. I know I’ve said it before, but I am a big chicken. That talks smack. I’m a big, smack talkin’, chicken. Mr. Dingo and I passed by a few haunted houses that had children and families coming out of them. I’m sorry, but if a kid emerges from a haunted house with a smile on her face, it’s not for me. Side note: My college sorority hosted a haunted house every Halloween for a charity. We participated by dressing up, taking tickets, drinking in the parking lot, and acting as tour guides. It was a family friendly haunted house. Really, what the fuck is that? You either want to be scared or you want to go to Disneyland. Anyway, we were instructed that if a child came through and yelled “Friendly Ghost!” we were to cease our wails and moans and hand out candy. Um, right.
I am a purist. A zombie is not going to hand out candy. A zombie is going to eat your hand. Like candy. Sometimes I we didn’t exactly adhere to the rules and frightened the shit out of the little shits that came through. Those little brats had their revenge though. We had to spend the rest of the Halloween season working in a urine soaked haunted house.
Whew! That was quite the digression, wasn’t it?
Anyway, Mr. Dingo and I found a haunted house in Niagara Falls that made you sign waivers and HIGHLY advised pregnant women and people with heart conditions to forgo the entertainment. There was even a “Chicken List” of all the people who chickened out, yelled “Chicken!” and had to be escorted from the haunted house. Yes, it was the adult version of “Friendly Ghost.” Oh, puh-leeze! I couldn’t throw my entry fee at them fast enough. Mr. Dingo asked me if I was sure. Sure?! Hell Yes, I was Sure! Cluck-cluck-I-ain’t-‘fraid-of-no-ghost!-cluck-cluck!
Less than five minutes after we entered the haunted house Mr. Dingo was trying to coach me out of a corner where I had curled up into a little ball, hands over my eyes, refusing to move. I am proud to say that I didn’t yell “Chicken.” I am less proud that the zombies, ghosts, and ghouls that inhabited that house may or may not have had to work the rest of the evening in urine soaked darkness.
Needless to say, I had lots of fun. It was so much fun, in fact, that visiting a haunted house is our yearly tradition for my birthday.
Oh wait, what was I talking about? Vacation! The fact that I need one is evidenced by my inability to stay focused and offer a post that is both relevant and timely. Make sure you come back in a few days when I discuss memories of Fourth of July and Memorial Day.
Posted on Thursday, February 26, 2009 at 02:08 AM.
Tags: La Vida Loca, Oh the Horror!
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Comments & Trackbacks
Waking up this morning and seeing a post about chickens, no wait… vacations, um… zombies? Ah.... I love you! And haunted houses.... and that you were curled up in a ball in some corner in some urine soaked (or not) shorts in Niagara Falls (when I went as a kid we just went to some dinosaur museum and on that boat ride down INTO the falls...which I LOVED - but my hotel DID have a pool on the roof - coolest thing EVER!!!!!!!)
Tourist traps = instant tackiness. The only motivation being, “Hey, good to see you, buy some overpriced crap to take home with you to remind you of how much money you blew while you were here!”
Our minds seem to work very similarly.
Vacation? Yes, we should travel together. We could have five different conversations at once and feel completely normal.
you’re too much 
i probably wouldn’t even have gone in there unless i wanted instantaneous gray hair.
i went on a cross-country trip about ten years ago where we took a detour at the falls at like 3:00AM. couldn’t see much be we were entertained by a racoon locked inside a candy store. he was having a grand ol’ time with those candybars.
Hey, our fine city has haunted locations (I know it’s not your birthday, but it hasn’t been THAT long ago--we can fake it)
and remember...tonight is MARGARITA NIGHT. So come to my town for a mini vay cay.........
The last haunted house I was in, I got so scared that I backed into my Mom, slamming her up against a wall and causing her to fall down. That was memorable. I didn’t even know what had happened because i hightailed it out of there. She had to recount the adventure to me....someone might have stepped on her, too.
Anyway, I need a vacation, too.
Okay, did you go to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls? Because the cheesiness factor of Ontario was totally surprising to me! Isn’t Canada supposed to be, like, trees and stuff? They had a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum! And a wax museum! And GAMBLING. Canadians are heathens.
I love haunted houses! But only watching them on TV. I won’t go into one becuase I never voluntarily sign up and PAY MONEY to pee myself.
It’s just a policy I have.
Also, what about our cross country skiing/chocolate coma trip next year? Do you think Stoogie’s bank will be able to pay for that one too? I hope so.
I don’t do haunted houses, hayrides, etc.. I don’t even smack talk about them, because I know I’m fraidy cat. I kicked a guy in the face on a haunted hayride once. He had a chainsaw and a mask, and he did not honor my personal space boundaries.
I need a vacation too. I miss the Caribbean.
Ha, this post is perfect for a shitty Thursday morning!
My mother used to make me wear jelly shoes every single freakin’ day. And for some reason, the shoes tripped me up all the time. The rubber toe would get stuck in cement and I had scraped knees for years because of those damn shoes.
I love haunted houses. Love, love, love them. I went to one in podunk Iowa once where the floor just dropped from the third floor down to the second floor while you were standing on it. It was...TERRIFYING. Plus, it was in this old, old school that was surrounded by a grave yard. Insane!
So, is your birthday nearing?
Haunted houses are not my kinda thing either. I usually end up clinging to my boyfriend, which he finds… cute. Oh well, at least my suffering is appreciated.
I honeymooned at the falls. (I know, how trite). Course, this was ten years ago and there were no casinos. But Ripley’s and the haunted houses were there on the Canadian side. I was too busy contemplating throwing myself over Bridal Falls bc I was at Niagra Falls instead of Scotland on my honeymoon to go to any of them.
Jules — My nieces and nephew went to Disney World a few years ago. Epcot, Animal Kingdom, the whole nine yards. To this day, they talk about the pool at the hotel.
Mr. POSSLQ — I don’t know why I am surprised about the tackiness that springs up around these natural wonders. I had the same experience right outside Catskills, Appalachia, Wisconsin Dells. The only saving grace at these places is the funnel cake.
justrun — We should definitely travel together! How do you feel about haunted houses?
blakspring — I bet when the owners showed up the next morning, the raccoon was fat and happy. To fat to get out of whatever hole he used to climb in.
Shelly — If my plan to invest in Stoogepie Bank works out, the margaritas are on me!
jane — If you someone was wearing jellies when they stepped on your poor mom, I bet it didn’t hurt.
NPW — We went to the Canadian side because we heard it wasn’t as tacky as the U.S. side. Sad, to say, they were right. The flashing lights and glitz of the U.S. side was enough to cause an epileptic fit.
Crissy — Of course Stoogepie Bank will pay for it! We’ll have him write it off as a PR junket.
Summer — At least the mask protected his face from your ferocious reverse roundhouse!
Lauren — My birthday was in October. You can still send presents.
Marjolein — If I had clung to Mr. Dingo any tighter, our bodies would have merged into a weird SciFi creature. Fortunately, if that had happened, we were right down the street from Ripley’s.
Shania — If you had just gone a little further east, you would’ve ended up in Nova Scotia. Many Nova Scotians can trace their ancestry to Scotland. I hope you at least had some haggis.
I think a zombie would eat your hand more like a caramel apple and not a piece of candy...kind of gnaw on it for a while before getting to the yummy apple on the inside.
Vacation? Pray tell what is this thing that you speak of? Vacation?
Coaxing you out of a corner? That’s me in the elevator. I don’t need zombies to make me pee my pants.
ha, this picture is amazing! and as for my jellies, i ONLY wear them with tights (hence the slippery sweaty feat issue).
I’m a total chicken. But isn’t there some bravery involved in signing up for the chicken list? ‘Cuz that would’ve been me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
We go to the casino on my birthday. It’s the only thing that’s open the day after Christmas (yep, that’s my birth-day). Haunted houses are cool, except the ones with the creepy zombie that smells like “teen spirit” (AKA BO) runs you into a dead end then won’t let you leave. Wait...was that you?!
Anyways, good luck planning your trip. I hear Cabo is great this time of year.
MTAE — You are so right! I’ll have to add that observation to my zombie survival guide.
Tara R. — I’m not sure what people mean by “vacation.” I think it has something to do with “relaxing.” I’m going to have to look that word up too!
k8 — Elevators? Really? I have to hear that story.
Cupcakes and Cashmere — The sweaty feet is bad. The pressure sores from the holes in the plastic is a close second. I have to say, I love the yellow and raspberry you are rockin’ today!
April — Sorry, April, but no. There’s no bravery in that. Nice try.
Toe — I wish we had a trip planned or even planning to be planned. Alas, it is not so. But hey, if you have a condo in Cabo you want to loan us. And airfare. And a dogsitter. Call me!
You are a better woman than me! I remember being scared shitless of the wax museum at age 10 and that was just John Wayne and Marilyn Monroe...so haunted houses...uh, no ma’am!
I have never been to a haunted house which is odd because I love being scared shitless. I’m also a smacktalker when it comes to that kind of stuff. The boyfriend won’t watch scary movies with me no matter how much I say I want to because he knows I’ll spend the entire time hiding behind a pillow.
Oh mah holy hell. That sounds like me when I try to watch the Chucky movies.
Our last vacation? Shortman was in preschool. He’s graduating High School this year. Tell you anything?
Being unemployed = time off with no potential for fun. God only knows how long it will be until I get a vacation (as in, get to go somewhere other than home and have fun). But maybe if my investment in the Stoogepie Bank works out I’ll be able to take a nice, relaxing trip somewhere warm!
I’d say you are about due for a vacation! (With or without haunted houses and urine soaked corners… your call)
I abhor haunted houses.
Now...the 4th of July is my kind of holiday. My favorite one was when my cousins and I had a bottle rocket fight. Goooooood times!
Were you with us when we went to that Haunted House in Fort Worth? The workers were inmates? We entered through the front of this warehouse and snaked our way through all these rooms to the back door. When it was over and we were finally outside, we were walking back around to the front to our car and this guy jumps out of the bushes with a chain saw and chases us! Thought we were in another Texas Chain Saw Massacre movie. Preea ran like lightning. I was laughing so hard at her, that I was the last person running. I just knew he was going to chain saw me!
Lisa — Hi Lisa! I think wax museums are creepy. All those fake wax eyes watching you. You just know that one of those things is going to follow you down a dark hallway and do you in. You were right to be scared!
Megkathleen — Cluck-cluck! You’re a big, smack talkin’ chicken, too!
Ree — It tells me that you need to dip into his college fund and go have a good time. Send him a postcard from Tahiti around the time his tuition is due. Hahahaha! Won’t that be fun!
MsDarkstar — Isn’t Stoogepie great! He’s made a way for us little people to get in on the corruption and benefit! Maybe I can visit an offshore bank on vacation, huh?
Ms. H — A bottle rocket fight? Gurl! Were you crazy Texans trying to do a reenactment of the Alamo or something?
Pick up the Fork — Yes!! I was with you! I tell that story about the chainsaw wielding maniac that tried to kill us every time Mr. Dingo and I go to a haunted house. It’s the reason why he has to walk behind me. Until I get to a door, then he has to walk in front of me. In haunted houses, Dingo doesn’t go through doors first.
The cruel trick about the chainsaw wielding maniac is that they had candy and treats waiting for us when we were outside. The chainsaw wielding maniac scared me so much I dropped my candy! If you were a true friend you would’ve stopped to pick it up—since you were so far behind me!
I had no idea one could just find a haunted house at any given time. I thought they only existed in the weeks leading up to Halloween. Ah, what a sheltered life I live.
The one time I went to a haunted theme park night in college, I had my head buried in the back of my boyfriend’s shirt almost the entire night. I’m pretty sure I had grown feathers on my ass and turned yellow by the time it was over.
Your bailout stoogebucks will pay for quite a sweet vacation!
“You either want to be scared or you want to go to Disneyland.” No, you can do both. Have you ever been to Disneyland?
I would simply like to add that, your preconceptions about zombies aside, zombies have been known to hand out such goodies as loaves and fishes. Like candy.
Bawk, bawk bawk...next Halloween you’re headed for the creepiest haunted house we can find. It might be in New Jersey, how’s that for scary?
My hometown is Buffalo, NY which is about 20 minutes from Niagara Falls. It’s amazing how tacky that place is. The actual falls is cool but the surrounding area is a disgusting trash bin of a town. Sad really. One of the 7 wonders of the world (or is it 8?) completely killed by the shit hole surrounding it. I always wondered if the pyramids in Egypt are just as tacky? Like wow a pyramid!!- now here’s your souvenir stand where you can buy your very own life sized mummy for your own home!!!!!
Mel Heth — We can run down the street clucking together!
stoogepie — I have forgotten about the ultimate zombie. So silly of me.
Marian — A New Jersey haunted house? That sounds truly frightening.
MsCatalysta — It’s the same way in Pigeon Forge and Gaitlinburg, TN right outside the Smoky Mountains. It’s so crazy! And tacky. Definitely tacky.
The “Chicken List.” I like that. It’s like a hall of fame, just not as glamorous.
Man, I’ve missed being here… sorry I’m getting here so late! It’s been a crazy time at the a2eatwrite home. Now, let me get this straight… you’re a chicken who teaches horror writing? More kudos to you, Dingo! And I couldn’t agree more about Niagara Falls - bizarre, isn’t it?
Annie — Hi Annie! Since I’m all about the glamor (as I type this in my stinky shoes, torn jeans, and three day old t-shirt) I will avoid the wall of shame and work for a hall of fame mention somewhere.
Jen of a3eatwrite — I’ve missed you, girl!! And yes, I’m a big ol’ chicken who teaches horror literature. What can I say? I’m a conundrum even to myself.
I’m impressed that you even went in! I hate haunted houses. Have never seen the point in going out of my way to purposely get the bejeezus scared out of me. Nowadays I can get that same thrill just by going to work and seeing if they let me stay!
Also, thanks for the tip on Niagara Falls. Was planning to take the girls in April, but I had no idea there was so much cheesiness up there.
I am a BIG chicken and generally avoid haunted houses. Frankly, I found the American side of Niagra Falls scarier! I did love the Maid of the Mists and the unexpected nasal lavage it provided, but the hordes of tourists and the unholy tackiness of that strip made it all frighteningly surreal. I did love crossing into Canada over the foot bridge, though.
As for Molson, euwww; too many beer bashes in Montreal, and the aftermath have the scent of THAT beer too ingrained for any subsequent pleasure, Canadian or not. And, uh, if you’re looking for cool haunted houses, Boston is terrifying, but you’d go in and I’d stand outside soiling my pants.
I know how you feel, I need a vacation too. Seems like I’ve got so much going on, though. But then again, I suppose that’s always how it seems.
Funny thing, I’ve never had a problem with haunted houses. Although I must admit I rather do enjoy the one at DisneyLand. The tune is just so catchy…
I dont’ care if it is a tourist trap, if it says haunted, I know that somehow I’m going to have the shit scared out of me.
Zombies I totally happen, which is why I refuse to enter a space that I can’t get out of without leaving a TCD-shaped hole in the wall.
Hi Innernetz! I don’t know where my responses have gone. Maybe a ghost came along and took them. Anyway, I’ll give it another shot.
Tress — There’s a lot of cheesiness but I’ve heard that there are some great things once you get away from downtown. It was a spur of the moment trip for us so we didn’t look into the area before we went. The Falls are gorgeous. Definitely do the Maid of the Mist and/or Behind the Falls tour.
O’Mama — I couldn’t even lure you in to a haunted house with a promise of Labatt’s? Just think of how much fun it would be and the photoshop image I could create of your adventure!
GeekHiker — I thought you were planning some time away? C’mon, Geekhiker! I have to live vicariously through you. Don’t let me down.
jessica — Yeah, I typically talk smack about all the haunted houses I visit but even the cheesiest ones find me in a corner with Mr. Dingo trying to coax me out.
thecoconutdiaries — I like how you think! You are definitely prepared for a zombie invasion.
“A zombie is not going to hand out candy. A zombie is going to eat your hand. “ Awesome. And true.
I haven’t been to Niagara Falls since I was a kid (although we’re pretty close to it). The hubs went to meet up with his parents last year when I was sick and said it was pretty craptastic.
Allie — Tacktastic and craptastic. Are you close enough so that when people come visit they always want to go? You should feign illness every time and hubby should take one for the team. That’s what hubby’s are for.
I just found your blog today and I went to Nightmares back in the fall. Holy crap was it freaking scary! I think I just saw my card that I got the other day. My friend and I were standing in line looking at the pictures of people inside wondering what the hell could possibly cause people to make those faces in a haunted house, I mean everyone knows it’s fake.
And then it happened to us. We understood.
kim — Hi Kim. Thanks for visiting. Alas, I too mocked the pictures of the people who had gone before me. My picture is hilarious. I look as if I am in mortal terror.
The one time I went to a haunted theme park night in college, I had my head buried in the back of my boyfriend’s shirt almost the entire night.I’m pretty sure I had grown feathers on my ass and turned yellow by the time it was over.