Why Won’t She Call Me?
Hello, Innernetz! I’m back! I would like to say that I’ve spent the last two weeks touring the White House with the First Family-Elect and trying to help them find a suitable, non-allergenic pooch from a local rescue group but that isn’t the case. Although I’ve eagerly offered my services via emails and phone calls, I’ve yet to receive a response. What’s up with that, First Family-Elect? Call me!
So, while I’ve been waiting, I’ve been writing my thesis. I know, I know! Raise your hand if you are tired of hearing about my fucking thesis? Hey! I said raise your hands, not start the freakin’ wave. Long story short, my thesis advisor has been MIA all semester. Emails unanswered, calls unreturned, notes left in her mailbox mysteriously never received – I think the people who run her office may be the same ones running interference between me and the First Family-Elect. *psst! Michelle, call me!*
So there I am tooling merrily along on my paper thinking that I had until the middle of December to turn it in to my elusive advisor when I discovered that my completed draft was actually due at the end of last week. Last. Week. Lastweek. Last-week. lastweeklastweek. A cry went up all throughout the land and there was a wailing and gnashing of teeth. Actually, the crying went on for quite a while. At one point, I was worried that I was going to short out my keyboard.
You know, when you put your entire life on hold to take care of something you expect others will as well, right? I mean, you’d think because Dingo was not blogging that esprit de corps would mean that YOU weren’t blogging either. You’d think that you’d be home wondering why your emails were unanswered, your calls unreturned, and your cute little notes in my mailbox unacknowledged. But no, not at all. You were all blogging. There are over 1000 unread posts in my reader. You are all asshats. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Really. When Michelle finally invites me to a White House dinner, I will make sure to mention you all fondly as I let the crunchy caramelized crust of the crème brule we’re having for dessert melt on my tongue.
What kept me sane this past week, beside the concerned emails I got from some of you – it meant a lot to me to know that I was missed – were Mr. Dingo and Dingo Girl. Not a Dingo was of little help. Have you tried typing a paper with your cat lying on your keyboard or batting your hand as you type? I think the worst Not a Dingo moments were at 3am when she’d actually yawn her Breath Of A Thousand Putrid Corpses in my face and then fall asleep in front of the monitor and snore. Loudly.
Mr. Dingo was a big help bringing me Monster Energy Drinks by the gallon and keeping me supplied in tissues until he decided that his life couldn’t be put on hold either and he had to prepare for a hearing. A hearing? Don’t get me wrong, Innernetz. I understand that millions of dollars were at stake and that he’s a big shot NYC lawyer, but I had a paper due at the end of the week! In the grand scheme of things, I think that I trump some corporate bigwigs, don’t you? Where is the love, Innernetz? Where is the love?!
As usual, Dingo Girl was my most trusted and loyal companion. She always found a way to make me laugh and she didn’t seem to mind that the snot from my crying jags dried into crusty yuckiness on the back of her neck. But her love and comic relief sometimes comes at the price of my pride. I took a study break to take her to the park on one of the nicest fall days we’ve had this year. There was a slight chill in the air — the kind of chill that perks you up but also has you looking forward to a cup of hot tea once you get home. Red and gold leaves were swirling on invisible currents and there was the delicious scent of roasting chestnuts in the air. In other words, it was a perfect day to have wedding photos in the park.
I understand that Central Park is gorgeous. What I don’t understand is how in the world people expect to have wedding photos taken in Central Park without some asshat and her dog in the background. The afternoon that Dingo Girl and I went to the park, we passed by one of the most popular places for wedding photos — the steps by Bethesda Fountain. When you stand at the bottom of the steps, it seems as if they lead right up into the sky. The symmetry and the optical illusion appeal to photographers, wedding parties, and dogs who like to mind everyone else’s business.
As Dingo Girl and I approached the steps, we saw a bride and groom posing for pictures. I really want to see their proofs because this was some fucked up shit. In one photo, the bride is lying on the steps, head in her arms, face obscured. The man is standing but he’s straddling her as if he’s stepping over her like a piece of litter. The photographer is yelling, “Good, good! That’s great!” Dingo Girl and I follow all the other pedestrians to the left side of the steps to avoid being in the photos. The line was single-file and I went ahead of Dingo Girl knowing that she would follow me. Only she didn’t. She decided that it was more interesting to check out the couple who were now facing the camera gripping each other as if they were trying to withstand gale force winds. They didn’t notice that four steps above them, a 40-pound yellow dog was scooting her butt across the steps like an Atari Space Invader.
Although neither the photographer nor the bride and groom noticed my butt-scratching dog in the background of their pictures, everyone else did and started laughing hysterically. I called to her, telling her to get her yellow ass over to my side of the steps but she ignored me, choosing that moment to sit perfectly still facing the camera. I hissed, whispered, and used sign language that was unmistakable to get her attention. When she finally deigned to look my way, Dingo Girl smiled — yes smiled! — and began to scoot her butt the remainder of the way across the steps. It would have been more dignified had I just apologized, walked over, and grabbed her by the collar. But no, I was still trying to play it cool and there’s nothing cooler than crawling on your hands and knees across cold marble steps hissing and sputtering to your dog who is paying you no mind whatsoever.
I managed to get Dingo Girl, not because she obeyed the commands I spent months and hundreds of dollars with a trainer trying to teach her, but because once she got to the right hand side of the staircase, she walked up three steps and butt-scooted her way back to my side of the stairs. I promptly snapped her leash on and headed for home. She trotted and smiled the entire way. I tell you, cold marble and an ill-mannered dog will get your blood flowing. I think the adrenaline from our outing kept me writing and typing for at least an hour.
So, my thesis draft is done. I’m just waiting for comments and suggestions but who knows when those will come in because I think my thesis advisor has entered witness protection or something. My final deadline is in two weeks and in that time I have to make the revisions, give it to my second reader, incorporate those comments, blah, blah, blah. And to make it all worse, still nothing from Michelle. Call me Michelle! I have a non-allergenic dog that I just KNOW you and the First Family-Elect will love!
Posted on Monday, November 17, 2008 at 04:50 AM.
Tags: It's All Relative, Dingo Girl, La Vida Loca, Little Red Schoolhouse, Not a Dingo
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Comments & Trackbacks
welcome back to the unreal world Dingo..it is the world of letters which is the real one!
THERE you are!! I was wondering where you’ve been!!! I kept thinking I’d email you, but “see, what had happened was...” I figured the white house had blocked your emails while you were there consulting. I mean, really?...who am I to think that I should intrude upon your time of service to your country?? Why, that would be absolutely un-American!!
(btw, anytime my kids start out with “see what had happened was”...I know that there’s a load of bull-puckey fixin’ to come my way!) *giggle*
Congrats on getting the draft done. I’m so sorry about your advisor. I guess I should have told you that your advisor is serving as the ghost-writer for my kiddos’ research papers. And since I have the “unreasonable” deadlines, she’s had to place them first in the priority-list. *wink*
PLEASE explain to me why there are NO pictures of Dingo’s performance?? Granted, I snarfed orange juice outta my nose just IMAGINING the scene...but still? What’s up with depriving your public??!
Welcome back to Blog-land...you have most definitely been missed! You’re one of the few people who can make me laugh hysterically at 5:30 in the morning!! Go you!
Don’t be a stranger, k?
Listen. I can have Michelle call you this afternoon. I have a meeting with the big guy this morning.
Also, I think Dingo girl was just trying to let the photographer know what she thought of his poses.
I think it was rather helpful of her actually.
Supervisors can be such a pain in the… wrists sometimes. I hope she shows up soon and your thesis can move on. I’m still trying to work on mine but my health keeps getting in the way. Maybe some more walks in the park would do the trick! Can I borrow Dingo Girl by any chance?
dingo, you’re alive. yay! congrats on handing in the thesis. maybe you can stalk your advisor since she seems to be MIA so much. maybe the secret service will help you find her once Michelle gives them a heads up.
i wish i had been there to see the Dingo & Dingo Girl Show in central park. i was laughing out loud reading about it so i probably would have went into convulsions had i actually seen it. perhaps the two of you could re-enact it for me one of these days.
Congrats on finishing the thesis (draft)! That must be a load off.
rosie — I think I’d rather take a holiday in that girt you posted a while ago.
Ms. H — Oh, don’t you love the tales students tell about why something is late? No pics of Dingo Girl’s performance because it’s hard to crawl across steps with a camera in your hand.
Crissy — Hook me up with Michelle and we can both have crème brule with her!
Marjolein — I’m sorry you are still not feeling well. You should know, you were quite the inspiration. I kept thinking, “Marjolein wrote 4,000 words in one weekend. It’s possible. It’s possible!”
blakspring — It was (I hope) a one time performance, although Dingo Girl has a knack for appearing in people’s pictures. She’ll run up to groups posing in the park and mug for the camera but acts the fool if I try to get a pic of her. Sheesh!
nancypearlwannabe — It is a relief. The hardest part is over. It’s just a race to the finish now!
Good to have you back… and in wonderful rare form. Lost my mind on your description of the wedding photos and the small part Dingo Girl played in the imagery. Priceless!
I think you need to start planning a big party or a vacation or a monumental bender for when your thesis is all done. The stress and snot needs to be rewarded somehow.
I would love it if someday when I get married, Dingo Girl would sneak into the background of my pictures! But I would like her to wear a flower girl dress. She can still scoot, she just needs to look nice while she’s doing it.
Glad to see you back and your sanity is still somewhat intact. 
Anyone who poses for wedding pictures in busy public places runs the risk of getting something or someone strange in their pictures. Hopefully they have a sense of humor. Maybe the photographer thought it was artsy so he didn’t say anything. Sorry your advisor is acting like a dickweed. It amazes me that people can be so flippant when it comes to other people’s work deadlines. Boo on her.
p.s. when Michelle calls patch her through to me when you’re done, yeah?
Hey! Tole you you’d do it! I knew it was an advisor meeting. That’s weird though that your advisor isn’t replying. Thank jeebus my mom didn’t have that problem. I would have died if she had a freak out session over that. I agree with Mel though. Reward yourself somehow. It’s well-deserved. We went to Hawaii the summer after. We both graduated that year so it was great! Maybe Dingo girl can find your advisor. She’s good at finding awkward situations and you know it would be awkward to walk up to her and explain you used your dog to find her and present your work, right? Sounds like a good idea to me. Good luck!
Butt scooting is just hilarious you know. Although it is not so great when it is done on your carpet in the living room.
I am sure the bride and groom will love the contribution to their special day when they see the photos. Shoot those are my kind of photos, the ones that capture real life in progress.
Now why didn’t you have a camera to photograph this madness for us? I would have peed my pants laughing at the sight of all that.
Ooof - writing a thesis is the only thing (well, besides the thousands of dollars) that’s keeping me from snagging myself a PhD. Congrats.
Oh, and sorry about all the posts; I’m one of the asshats who contributed to your 1000s of unread posts. I’m sorry; I’m obsessed - not a day goes by without at least ONE blog post from Mrs. Chili. I need an intervention…
Sounds like Not a Dingo and Hemo need to get together and have a bitch-off.
Glad to see you’re back! There has been a Dingo-shaped hole in the blogosphere. I only got through it by re-reading old posts and tossing back shots of tequila.
All I can say about Dingo Girl is...high five for not taking a dump on the steps. That is a classic Bad Mutha Fudrucker move. ‘Oh hai! Are you having a picnic? I can haz chicken leg? No? Ok, I’ll just poop behind this tree. Upwind from you. Kthxbai.’
Tara R — Dingo Girl is a ham. She likes to be the center of attention. I don’t know where she gets that from.
Mel Heth — I am off the entire month of January. I plan to be drunk every single day.
Rachel — I’ll make sure Michelle gives you a call. I’ll tell her about all the work you did on her behalf in Alaska.
Kazuki — You were right. I didn’t believe you, but you were right. I think using Dingo Girl to track down my advisor would be hilarious!
Talina — I agree with you about the real life photos. Don’t worry, Dingo Girl presents all kinds of opportunities for humiliation photography.
Mrs. Chili — You have four blogs. I have no idea how you do it but I love that you do! I’m seriously considering bagging the Ph.D. I think I’ve had enough. Once I get my Master’s Degree, I am going to re-evaluate my situation.
saratogajean — Dingo Girl saves her public dumping for the sidewalks of outdoor bistros. Nothing’s more appetizing than the pungent scent of dog poo as you are trying to eat. As for Hemo, I’ve got to meet this kitty who can hold her own against the Bad Mutha Fudruckers.
Excellent job on handing in your thesis! Will you be resuming running now?
Congrats on slogging through and getting the fucker done (to this stage, at least). Have you tried stalking your advisor? I mean. you go to all this trouble to complete your end of the deal and where is this person? Hmm, maybe SHE or HE is hanging out with Michelle and now the secret service is ALSO protecting your advisor. Seems your work is cut out for you…
Put me in the camp of “wants to find money tree and thesis topic.” I want a Ph.D. before I die - my master’s isn’t enough, but then I didn’t have to write a thesis…
Um, actually, I have SIX blogs - the teacher and personal blogs, the cooking and yoga blogs, and the movie and book club blogs. Seriously; an intervention is what I’m sayin’ here…
Well, for what it’s worth, I didn’t blog all that much in your absence. And I did worry about the unanswered e-mails…
Hilarious story about Dingo Girl. And you’re very lucky to have Mr. Dingo to help you through the dips in the road of life.
Congratulations! At least the hardest part is over right? That couple will definitely be surprised by their added feature in the background. What a topic starter though.
Good thing I hate Creme Brulee. Or I would be jealous of your inevitable meeting with Michelle. As for the thesis draft, congrats; it will work out, I know it will.
Tress — Yes! I will definitely start running again. I miss it so much. And the stress eating from this past week? Oy!
O’Mama — Oh! Why didn’t I think about the money tree? I need to find one of those too! If the secret service is protecting my advisor, I hope they have better luck knowing her whereabouts that I do.
Mrs Chili — Okay, young lady. That is quite enough out of you. Speaking of, I so wanted to do the last book club selection but I was soo sick that night. I re-read the book and everything! One of these days…
Geekhiker — See, at least you were about all the reading I’d have to catch up on. Mwah!
Toe — Yep, the hardest part is done, thank goodness. I sure hope that the photographer has some mad photoshopping skillz.
Kori — You hate creme brulee? Oh, Kori. Wow, um, I don’t know what to say. Thanks for your positive thoughts about the thesis, Kori. You’re awesome.
I’m pretty sure if I get married, we’re going to have some pretty sick pictures. I just can’t do professional. And butt scootching dogs would be the perfect compliment to my hoe down of a wedding. I’m all kinds of classy.
Good luck on the thesis. They’re a bitch.
Missed you!!! Glad the draft is done. I bet you’ll get it back with this comment:
- “Don’t change a thing! It’s perfect”
Especially if you put one of your famous pictures on it.
Funny post. What was funny about it also was that after my fiance proposed to me with a gorgeous diamond engagement ring from http://www.idonowidont.com we decided to have wedding pictures taken in central park.
And even with a professional photographer we still had to deal with stupid people trying to be in the photo and being silly. The photos turned out good in the end but it was annoying you are right!
I’ve only posted three or four times this month, so you really can’t call me an asshat. I mean, I am one, just not for that reason.
Good luck with your advisor. She sounds great.
Oh, I’m so glad you can breathe again. I love the way you write these posts, as if we all can pull a thesis draft together in a fraction of the time we thought we had.
Also, if I got married and one of my wedding photographs had a dog butt scooting in the background, that would be blown up, framed, and over the mantle. No question.
Well no worries here… I did not blog either! You can still like me. 
Everyone else can go to hell!
Hey, if your butt itches and you’re cute, you’re bound to end up in someone’s wedding photos, right? 
Congrats on the thesis completion!
Oh, I’m so glad you’re back. I’m sure revisions will be a piece of cake after you had to write so much of it in one week!
See, THAT is exactly why I have no desire to get another degree. I am qualified enough to get paid to read blogs for 8 hours a day and completely fine with it.
However, I DO applaud your hard work and cannot to end up on your side of the planet for a celebratory drink (or 12).
I’m so glad to hear you survived the draft-writing process! You also are makign me think perhaps going back to school is NOT a road I want to take. Hrm.
Also, I died laughing at your story of Dingo Girl in Central Park. Hee hee! She is one funny girl, that Dingo Girl. Her mama’s no wet blanket, either.
Kisses and hugs from Philly!
k8 — Dingo Girl does weddings! Just let me know and I’ll send her right on up.
Ree — I got my draft back today. She really liked it BUT the revisions are due on Thursday. WTF?!
Michelle B — Hi, Michelle! I’ve never seen anyone actually trying to be in the photos that are taken in Central Park but I’m sure it much be difficult to get people out of the background.
flurrious — Only three or four times? I suppose you are not doing NaBlahBlahBlah, then?
justrun — I think a dog butt framed over the mantle is going to be the disembodied moose head of the 00’s.
MsCatalysta — Damn straight! What’s with all these overachievers?
Marian — Interesting correlation you got goin’ there. The next time my butt itches I’ll let you know if it lands me on the cover of Brides magazine.
Megkathleen — I hope so, I — mmmm....cake....what were you saying?
thecoconutdiaries — Woohoo! Celebratory drinks! What time is your flight?
Lara — Hey Girl, you would make a GREAT teacher. Do it! Do it! I’ll help you write your paper. Hee, hee. I am totally lying. About the paper, I mean. You really would make a great teacher.
Dingo Girl sounds AWESOME!
She and my weiner dragging dachshund puppy would make quite the pair on a walk!!
Oh, I did miss you by the way, but I did know you were writing a Thesis, and didn’t want to bother you with my stalkerish e-mails wondering where you were.
You were greatly missed, though.
tee hee my word to type to make sure I’m not spamming you is firm17 tee hee.....I’m not firm and I’m NOT 17.....although I was firm at 17!!
Um, can I have Michelle’s number, please?
You know, with your insane photoshop skills and Dingo Girl’s mad modeling skillz, you could make a lot of money photoshopping Dingo Girl out of other people’s pictures. You just set her free, she does her thing, and then you offer to remove her from the pictures for the right price. Just a thought.
Shelly — Dingo Girl is awesome. The problem is that she knows it and milks it for all it’s worth. Didn’t Mr. Perfectly win the photoshop thingy from Stoogepie? Girl! You can be as 17 and as firm as you wanna be in all your pics!
Stoogepie — Wanna go into business together?
I’m glad I managed to be a source of inspiration for you! Oh and it was 5000 words in one weekend. Now only if I could pull that stunt again.
Marjolein — In the end, my draft came to 9,186 words but I had four days to do all that. As you know, it was not fun. I’m working on the revisions now. As you know, that is not fun either. I hope you are feeling better and the words are just piling up on the screen. Won’t it feel good to be done?
Haha! Your dog/wedding photo story is quite unfortunate but also funny! At least they’ll have some amusing wedding photos.
Good luck with your revisions, by the way!
Tova Darling — Thanks for visiting! Most of the interactions Dingo Girl and I have with the outside world are unfortunate for me but funny for her. I would really love to see their wedding photos.
Wedding photographers, they always seem to want to do MORE. And yes, always with the stairs, I think those stairs are being wedding shot more than 50% of the time.
Noelle — There’s a big difference between doing more and doing the ridiculous. This photographer did not know the difference.
That is insane! We have a couple of ass-scratching jack russells, and it’s not a pretty thing to behold. At least Dingo Girl didn’t scratch across the bride’s belly. That would have been worth money to see.
I appreciate your absence, as I’ve been pretty absent in reading blogs, and I’d hate to have gotten too behind.
I think our First Family-elect may finally be figuring out that being a prez of the people means we are SO going to be trying to talk to them. All the time. I myself sent the Pres-elect a very long email which I’m sure he himself read in great detail.
Yo...I know you are busy with non-blog related things (see: real life), but I’ve given you an award to entice you to come back. Or at least take a break.
Stop by my blog to pick it up.
Jenny — If Dingo Girl had scratched across the bride’s belly, I think I would’ve just left her to find her own way home.
April — Oooh! I’m sure he read your email. He’s probably writing a response RIGHT NOW!
saratogajean — Thank you so much for making my day today!
Fucking post something already.
Jesus.